Giant Robot Invasion!

In 1984, Hasbro released Transformers, a toyline of action figures based on robots that could be rearranged to form vehicles, such as cars and planes. The figures were divided into two factions-the heroic Autobots, led by Optimus Prime, and the evil Decepticons, led by Megatron. An animated series was created to promote the toyline, which in turn led to a theatrical movie. All in all, it translated into a lot of toy sales, which made Hasbro very happy.

I’ve read opinions criticizing the original Transformers cartoon for really not doing much well besides hocking toys, and that nostalgia’s the only reason we remember it so fondly. Fair enough. I watched a lot of cartoons like that when I was a kid. They were filled with flat characters and generic plotlines, but I’ll be damned if they didn’t make me want to buy toys. Too many cartoons are like that-sure, they’re loud and colorful, but look past that, and it’s got no core.

But every once in a while a show comes along that defies the convention. Sure, its main purpose is to sell toys, and it does that job well, but it’s the kind of show that wants to surpass the cheap and become something even greater. Beast Wars was that show.

Beast Wars details the struggle between the Maximals and the Predacons, descended from the Autobots and the Decepticons, respectively. As the first episode begins, a Predacon warship shoots down a Maximial research ship while flying above an unknown planet. However, while the Maximal ship is going down, it fires a few lucky shots that knock down the warship with it. Both ships land on the planet and discover that it’s full of a powerful fuel source called Energon, but since the Energon’s raw, prolonged exposure will short them out. To protect themselves, both sides take on alternate modes that are shielded from the Energon, based on animals and dinosaurs found around the planet. (No cars or planes here, but when you want to survive, you get creative.) The series involves the Maximals and the Predacons battling for control, but as the planet reveals its hidden mysteries, both sides get drawn into literally world-shaking events that end up changing the course of Transformers history.

Since it’s a toy-based show, I might as well get this angle out of the way first. Don’t get me wrong-despite my earlier words, I like toys, and Beast Wars had a great toyline. While most previous Transformers toys were heavy blocks of metal with limited posability, Beast Wars toys were made of plastic parts coupled together by ball joints, making them cheaper and far more posable. Hasbro soon introduced variations on the basic animals to extend the line-Transmetals were metallized animals with a third bonus mode that gave them aspects of a vehicle like jets or wheels, and Fuzors were Transformers with a beast mode comprised of two animals squished together. Near the end we even got a few Transmetal 2 figures, which look so strange that words can’t really do them justice.

There was no problem selling these toys. The figures were varied and the show made them look cool and interesting. Beast Wars could’ve stopped right there and still be considered a success.

But there was a big trick in Beast Wars’s arsenal, a strategy that the show used to etch itself in the minds of its viewers. What was this trick?

Simple. They made us care.

Let me explain. Beast Wars was produced by Mainframe Entertainment, now called Rainmaker Animation. The whole show was animated with computer graphics, so in order to cut down on costs, the Maximals and Predacons were limited to five members each. This was a change from the original Transformers cartoon, which was populated by a larger group of characters in order to advertise toys. But that’s the problem with the original cartoon-the cast was simply too large. As a result, most of the characters were limited to flat personality traits that made them seem…well, Saturday morning cartoonish. Not Beast Wars. With a smaller cast, the writers were able to spend more time on each character’s personality.

And that’s why Beast Wars was good. The story. The toys were great, sure, but the story is what set the show above the mediocre. Each Maximal or Predacon carried a variety of traits that became clear as episodes centered around them. The Maximal Rattrap wisecracked and bemoaned his fate, but to use a familiar phrase, when the chips were down, he had it where it counts. The Predacon leader Megatron commanded his presence with an overdramatic flair while masterfully manipulating others into accomplishing his schemes. Several Predacons, in particular, go through their own story arcs that eventually lead them to the side of the Maximals. All of this, combined under a tight storyline that peeled away at the intrigue surrounding the planet, created something epic and unforgettable, something that kept us to our seats as characters we cared for changed, grew, fell in love, die, and even become reborn.

Some Transformers fans were initially angry that Beast Wars eschewed the familiar vehicles in place of animals. But, over time, many of its critics were won over by Beast Wars’s willingness to do more than just sell toys. Yeah, sure, in the end you’re dealing with hunks of plastic, but Beast Wars made them feel like something more, and to a kid, that means a lot.

Is Beast Wars a perfect show? No. But it does enough things right. If you’re a cartoon fan who hasn’t seen this show yet, I recommend you give a look, even if you’re not a Transformers fan. You find something that was crafted with care.

If America has discovered one thing, it’s the value of cashing in on other people’s ideas. Take Yu-Gi-Oh, for example. This franchise is centered around a Japanese comic book where teenagers play a collectible card game to decide the fate of the Earth, and with a storyline like that, merchandise wasn’t too far behind. Not only did they make a card game based on the game in the comic, but they also made books, video games, and even a full-fledged animated series. This was good for America, because around this time the Pokemon juggernaut had lost some of its strength, and investors are always on the hunt for fresh juggernauts to harness.

Of course, success breeds imitators. Yu-Gi-Oh was no different. Soon, bright and flashy remixes of other children’s games appeared, like Beyblade with tops and Battle B-Daman with marbles. (I think Bakugan is based on some form of children’s drinking game. I believe this is the case because, every time I watch the cartoon, I’d rather be drinking.) Like Yu-Gi-Oh, these franchises mutated classic games beyond all recognition with exaggerated gameplay and wide-eyed protagonists in a world where culture is defined by how well you twist your toy.

Is this what the classics are doomed to become? Have our children grown so jaded that the simple toys of yesteryear fail to provide any sort of entertainment at all?

Those are good questions. Here’s another: how do I get in on it?

Here are a few of my ideas to renovate classic children’s games for a new generation. With the appropriate cartoon or comic book tie-in, these ideas will make me very rich. But, I’m willing to share, so if any of these ideas appeal to television producers/toy makers/rich and beautiful widows, please meet with me as soon as possible so we can discuss my future.

POGS. In a world where pogs are the most popular game on the planet, a young, spiky-haired boy named Ryo fights to earn the title of Supreme Infinite King of PogBattlers. To succeed, he’ll need to master his pog slamming skills alongside his trademark pog, Oversized Dragon. At his side is his large-breasted kinda-on-and-off girlfriend Mizuki and Chim-Chim, his hilarious monkey sidekick. At his back is Valius, androgynous and long-haired rival who seeks the title of Supreme Infinite King at all costs. Ryo must train hard if he hopes to surpass his rival and achieve his dream.

FOOSBALL. In a world where arguments are resolved in games of foosball, a young, spiky-haired boy named Akira struggles to free his world from the Grand Dark Ballers, a society of evil foosball players who use their lethal foosball skills to rule with an iron fist. To defeat them, he must use the ancient art of Foosballdo, a playing style incorporating eight sacred foosball shots that attack the vital points of any opponent’s defense. Accompanying Akira on his quest is Reiko, a girl with a skirt that gets shorter in every episode, and Pinky, a large blob creature who happens to be dangerously perverted. If Akira is to save the planet, he must defeat the Four Divinist Generals before he is allowed to take on Emperor Baller himself for the fate of the world.

SOLITARE. In a world where monsters are captured within playing cards, a young, spiky-haired boy named Byakko wants to find the Ace of Poles, the only playing card produced for the secret fifth suit of solitare. Sealed inside the Ace of Poles is the legendary Super Fantasma Phoenix-to control this monster is to control the world. Aiding him in his journey is a skilled solitare player named Fuuma, who hides her affection toward Byakko by routinely beating him half to death. However, the evil mage King Joker is also on the hunt for the Ace of Poles, and with an army of mind slaves at his command, it’s going to take a lot of exciting and gruesome monster solitare battles to get to the end. It all leads up to a final confrontation with King Joker, where the Ace of Poles-and Fuuma’s life-hangs in the balance.

(NOTE: This idea applies to the original Japanese version. Before bringing it to America, it would have to be heavily censored and revised in order to market it to children. All instances of death would be erased, scenes of violence would be cut and refered to as “noogie time”, and character dialogue would be rewritten to make it more suitable for young viewers. Therefore, we could expect the English version to hold approximately forty-nine card puns per episode.)

These are but a few of my brilliant ideas. I’m confident that, using this basic structure, even backgammon can become exciting and viable. If you’d like to learn more get-rich-quick ideas, please send me a check in an envelope made out of $50 bills.

Until then, I’m off to watch Super Battle Jacks XE.