Giant Robot Invasion!

It’s 1994. I’d ask what you were doing that year, but that would just be creepy. Instead, we will find out what Fictional Example Boy was doing that year, when Mega Man X was first released. You see, FEB had previously played all six Mega Man games on his NES, and he enjoyed them immensely. One day, little FEB suddenly noticed this new game at his local game-related store.

“Mega Man X?” FEB wondered. “Wait a minute, the last Mega Man game I played was Mega Man 6. Capcom skipped, like, three whole numbers. And now they’re Greek. I always figured Capcom was one of those Italian symphatizers.”

Later FEB was hit by a truck because this review has no more use for him.

Mega Man X is not Mega Man 10, but actually a spinoff of the popular Mega Man franchise. MMX is vastly different to the original series in a number of ways. First off, it’s set in the FUTURE! Secondly, it was strained through a GRITTY FILTER, which made things more dark and mature! Thirdly, you shoot a bunch of animals instead of Robot Masters! Basically, it’s the same game, but revamped for the 90s to be more hardcore and cool and other marketing buzzwords.

There’s a bit more background to the game this go-round than the preceding series. A hundred years in the future, a guy called Dr. Cain discovers Dr. Light’s old laboratory and finds X, a super-advanced upgrade of Mega Man with the ability to think and reason just like a real boy. Dr. Cain quickly makes a Chinese bootleg of X’s design and labels his copy a Reploid. Soon, these designs are standardized throughout the entire world. However, without parents to enforce a curfew, some of these Reploids decide that they are far superior to humans, and thus can do whatever they want. As more Reploids begin loitering in front of family-owned convienence stores while smoking, the public outcry is so great that Cain helps form the Maverick Hunters, an organization devoted to disabling rogue Reploids who beat up nerds for futuristic lunch money.

Soon, a Reploid called Sigma is created, whose bare head is so smooth you could glide hockey pucks over it. He was created to be immune to peer pressure from the popular Reploids. With such a shining bastion of justice on our side, nothing can possibly go wrong!

Um.

Sigma quickly defects as soon as Dr. Cain goes on a business trip (”And remember: absolutely NO parties, got it?”) X is naturally bummed by this since it was his original design that started this black market, so he volunteers to help Dr. Cain and another powerful robot named Zero fight the evil Reploids. From there, the formula is the same-pick the boss you want to murder first and go from there.

You can still charge your buster, but all of this grim future has also given X the ability to climb walls and dash along the ground in a burst of speed. This will prove vital in defeating the main eight bosses, who now draw inspiration from the animal kingdom as opposed to descriptive nouns. Watch out! Can you deal with the awesome fury of OVERDRIVE OSTRICH?

Special Ability: Grazing For Locusts!

Per usual, each boss bestows a special weapon upon death rattle, and is quite vulnerable to a particular special weapon obtained from one of its fraternity brothers. The trick here is to find which weapon is best against which boss, and then promptly forget to use them ever again. It doesn’t matter anyway, since X is adamant on throwing away all of his hard earned blood weaponry between each game. You see, X is a pacifist, a fact which he will make sure to remind you of with each game. However, he straps on the buster anyway because he believes that he must fight in order to stop Sigma. I’d consider this duality of character very interesting if I didn’t remember that you could smash a guy’s head in with a door in God of War 2. That was so awesome.

Eventually, your efforts are rewarded when you come face-to-head with Sigma himself. Don’t think you’ve got it easy because Sigma’s only got a lightsaber-he’ll kick your ass faster than you can say “BLRRGHFWFFFF” because by then he’ll have cut your head off. Dodge his blows and strike true-once you’ve hit him enough, you win!

PSYCHE he’s got a second form too.

And I’ll form the head!

Once you destroy him for the second time and he’d better not have a third form I swear to God, you find yourself on a cliff, overlooking Sigma’s floating castle as it falls into the sea, killing several whales. Whew, that was pretty rough. Still, I’m glad I beat Sigma. What do I get as a reward?

THE FINAL VERDICT:

RATING:

Mmmmm. Roast penguin.

(Sprite of Chill Penguin from Sprites Inc. Gameplay screens from YouTube.)

Reading is an important life skill. It’s just as neccessary as knowing how to plug someone in the head with a carbine. But, once you know how to read, you’ll be able to discover even more ways of killing people. It’s like opening up a new world that’s made of knives.

The Public Broadcasting Service understands the importance of reading. Along with Reading Rainbow, PBS introduced a variety of shows dedicated to increasing awareness of books, because, hey, if TV told kids to go read, maybe they actually would. I always wondered why they spent so much effort on reading. I mean, you never saw PBS focusing so much on all the other things kids needed to learn. What if I needed a show on getting beaten up by older children? Who knows-maybe I’ve been doing it wrong for years.

One of these shows about reading was called Wishbone, starring the Jack Russell terrier in question. Well, technically, it starred four different dogs. In every episode, you could expect Wishbone to be swimming, or doing a strange flip, or even sitting down, and each exciting stunt would require a different dog to perform it. Now that I think about it, it would’ve been a great way to justify a line of action figures.

BOY: Mommy, Mommy! I want a Wishbone toy!
MOM: Okay, just a little one. Let’s see…Frisbee Catching Wishbone, Super Swimming Wishbone…
BOY: I want THAT one!
MOM: …Carpet Ruining Wishbone?
BOY: His vomit’s made of oatmeal!

Wishbone lives in in a town called Oakdale with his owner Joe. Joe’s a middle-school student who gets into family-friendly adventures with his friends Samantha and David. Besides that, he also has a wacky neighbor called Wanda. Now, I gotta commend Wanda’s actress here. As a former wacky neighbor myself, I really appreciate the depths Wanda’s actress went to portray the archetype. I only hope that she escaped the role before she was permanently labelled as a wacky person and never taken seriously again. This is a major detriment when you wake up one morning and discover that you are on fire.

Soon, a problem occurs. Maybe Joe doesn’t know what to do in a situation, or he’s getting bugged by some guy called Damont with one of those close-cut haircuts that identifies him as a jackass from two hundred yards away. The problem reminds Wishbone of a classic work of literature, and from there, they switch back and forth between the main storyline and an abridged retelling of the work in question. It’s actually done pretty well. It may be weird to see Don Quixote interacting with Wishbone as he plays Sancho Panza, but the retellings usually strive to hit the major points and never dance around any unpleasant moments that may occur.

Of course, the problem is that watching these retellings is like picking up the SparkNotes for the book. Now there’s no point in reading it. Sure, some kids may be inspired to pick up a featured novel, and I can’t fault Wishbone for trying to accomplish that, but really, if you wanted kids to read these classic works, then retelling them on television defeats the point, doesn’t it? Most people’ll just watch the Wishbone version and forget about it until it re-emerges in high school as required reading for an essay. Those things require citations from the text, you know. You can’t just watch Mickey’s Christmas Carol and then cite “that one part where that Goofy dude started rattlin’ his chains at Scrooge McDuck”. It doesn’t work like that.

The only way to get kids to read the books themselves is to make them exciting again. By weaving new elements into the original prose, you can satisfy fans of the original while appealing to the new generation. For example, here’s an excerpt from Pride and Prejudice that’s been revised to cultivate interest in the children of today.

 

Elizabeth was engaged one day as she walked, in perusing Jane’s last letter, and dwelling on some passages which proved that Jane had not written in spirits, when, instead of being again surprised by Mr. Darcy, she saw on looking up that Colonel Fitzwilliam was meeting her. Putting away the letter immediately and forcing a smile, she said:

“I did not know before that you ever walked this way.”

“I have been making the tour of the park,” he replied, “as I generally do every year, and intend to close it with a call at the Parsonage. Are you going much farther?”

“No, I should have turned in a moment.”

And accordingly she did turn, and they walked towards the Parsonage together, until suddenly before them appeared a man cloaked entirely in black, his body obscured except his cold, black eyes, to which Elizabeth took an immediate notice.

“Who stands before me?” Colonel Fitzwilliam asked, to which the man in black replied:

“I have travelled here from a faraway land, seeking worthy fighters to test my skill against,” and the man in black pulled a blade from the scabbard strapped to his back, revealing a curved weapon of polished steel, which glistened in the light of the sun.

Colonel Fitzwilliam seemed in a calm humor, and he stepped toward the man, drawing his own saber, which Elizabeth now noticed had previously hung at his side. “Stand back, Elizabeth. This is a battle that I, as a former ninja, must fight alone.”

She understood the danger involved, and retreated back a small distance in order for Colonel Fitzwilliam to have space required to engage in combat, and as she did a thrill rushed within her, as she came to realize how totally cool this would be.

Now, doesn’t THAT sound exciting? Revised classics will keep your children reading to see what intrigue will unfold next. No need to push your high schooler to pick up a copy of A Tale of Two Cities-once he finds out Sydney Carton gets eaten by a T-Rex, he’ll never want to put it down!

But, until these revisions are available, Wishbone is a good alternative. And, hey-there’s nothing stopping you from using your imagination to make it even more exciting. Personally, there’s no better way to enjoy a Wishbone episode than by squinting your eyes and pretending that he’s a really tiny brontosaurus. With a jetpack.

The Pokemon bug first swarmed America when I was in middle school. It was a hit among the students-they played the video games, traded the cards, watched the show, and were pretty much happy to be alive. Back then, my family couldn’t afford cheap plastic crap like everyone else, so to capture some of the excitement for myself, I began keeping a list of Pokemon names in my pocket. Whenever I heard the name of a Pokemon I didn’t know about, I scribbled it on the list. It was my own personal Pokedex-my own way to catch ‘em all.

Then my efforts were ruined when my list ended up in the washing machine, smudging all of the entries. I was pretty depressed for a while. Fortunately, my classmates helped take my mind off of it by making fun of my weight.

Oh, but don’t think this was the end, dear reader. That list ignited a fire within, a desire to embrace Pokemon without actually having to pay money for it. A grand obsession soon overtook me as I seized each and every opportunity to fill my Pokemon larders. I glued pictures of Pokemon merchandise inside a paper binder. I clipped miniature Pokemon cards from boxes of Lunchables. I made someone else eat Burger King so I could snatch one of the toys that came in a plastic Pokeball. (Apparently these Pokeball halves could actually get caught over someone’s face and suffocate them. I tried using one to subdue a brutish attacker once, but it just made him mad. It was okay, though. Pavement and I go way back.)

Eventually, actual Pokemon merchandise entered my life. I received a copy of the Pokemon Red video game, and I also managed to pick up a Pokemon Trading Card Game starter deck as well. (I was disappointed when the instructions said that I required “a friend”.) Later I got Pokemon comic books and Pokemon stuffed animals. Clearly, the universe was aligning with my mission, realizing the nobility of my quest and slowly driving Pokemon merchandise toward me. I definitely deserved it, since I was very smart, and far kinder than thse stupid asshats that made up my peers. I had entered a new age of material goods, and now I was truly happy to be alive.

But it wasn’t enough. It never was enough. Soon I would become bored with my 312-piece Pokemon board game and push it aside, striving for more. I began to keep obsessive notes of where I saw each Pokemon item that I lusted for, as well as different whining strategies I could use to get my parents to buy it for me. Each item became its own hunt-it was the prey, and I was the prey-er. But the hunts soon took their toll-I began blacking out at unexpected times, returning back to conciousness with a Pikachu doll or a Jigglypuff poster in my hands. At first I blew it off. So what if I kept blacking out? I always got what I wanted, and that was good enough for me. Besides, you could still see the Jigglypuff underneath the blood.

Then my middle-school friend Adam told me that Pokemon Red was coming out with a sequel. My eyes widened to the size of dinner plates as Adam opened his magazine, revealing a glorious four-paged feature packed with information about the successors of the Pokemon franchise-Pokemon Gold and Pokemon Silver.

The fire inside my soul exploded. It had grown with each game or toy I had acquired, and up to this point, I was able to contain it. But now, confronted with the promise of new Pokemon games, and new Pokemon to boot, the inferno unleashed its full potential, overcoming my body, driving my actions. It was now in control, and it wanted MORE.

“Ow!” I cried, clenching my chest.

“What’s wrong?” Adam asked.

“My chest really hurts!” I said. “I…I think I’m having a heart attack!”

“Oh my God!”

“OF RAGE!“

“Huh?”

But I was beyond simple “huh”s. I leapt upon the feature article, tearing it out with the ferocity of a wild animal.

“What’s happening to him?” a girl shouted.

“He’s…he’s turning into a monster!” a boy cried out.

“He’s a werewolf!” Adam said. “Pokemon is his power source!“

Apparently it was true! The Poke-rays eminating from the feature article had triggered an astounding transformation! Now, whenever I was exposed to Poke-rays for too long, the world would have to deal with the astonishing might of…

“POKE-WOLF”

Today’s Adventure: “70 Degrees, With a 50% Chance of DIE!”

I don’t remember much after that. Somehow I was thankfully defeated, reverted back to normal after someone discovered that, without any silver bullets to use, the only thing that could hurt me now was rejection. I later awoke from my experience in a hospital, and after I learned all that transpired, I implored that all of the Pokemon merchandise be removed from my presence, lest I fall prey to the curse of Poke-Wolf once again!

“I’m afraid I can’t do that,” my doctor said. “You’ve developed an addiction to Poke-rays. If you don’t continually absorb the Poke-rays coming off of your merchandise, you will die.”

“So I have to carry the curse of Poke-Wolf forever?” I asked.

“Well, the curse of Poke-Wolf isn’t entirely without benefits,” the doctor said. “As Poke-Wolf, you become stronger, faster, and gain a healthy tolerance toward other freaks of nature.”

“I already feel sorry for those assholes!” I claimed.

The doctor demonstrated an impressive chart. “Plus, we’ve discovered that, since Poke-Wolf was created through excessive Pokemon merchandise, you now have the ability to shoot money from your fingers. This could be a great help towards keeping our economy afloat and reducing the national debt. You would be doing your country a great service.”

“Wow…”

The doctor now removed his glasses, focusing on me with a stern, but warm eye. “Now, you have to promise me to use your powers for good, and not for personal gain. You’ve been given an incredible gift, my friend. You have to use it for the good of everyone, no matter how much they may hate you, or reject you. Because, as we all know, with great power comes great responsibility.”

“Don’t worry,” I said. “I will exercise responsibility with my powers.”

“Good!” the doctor said.

“To start, I will responsibly use them to buy a convertible.”

“Get out.”

So that’s my sordid tale. I hope it serves as an example to any of you youngsters out there who want to start collecting Pokemon. It is fun, granted, but if taken too far…it can ruin your life forever. Me? I couldn’t remain at home. I couldn’t endanger the lives of my family and friends, and risk the Poke-Wolf accidentally shooting money at them. It would be too much to bear. And so, I sentenced myself to wandering this world, running into a different adventure each and every month that can be resolved in 24 pages.

Don’t repeat my mistake. Don’t force into an adventurous lifestyle filled with money and superpowers like I did. Please, limit your daily exposure to Poke-rays. It will keep you healthy, and, more importantly, it will keep you bland. God knows if I could go back in time, I’d make myself do the same.

(Poke-Wolf later used his only chance of going back in time to make out with Cleopatra. It wasn’t as good as everyone says it was.)

by Sparkster the Rocket Knight

So today, I’m supposed to review Rocket Knight Adventures for the Sega Genesis. It’s really a wonderful game. Nobody knows that, though. Not enough people played it.

I mean, you don’t know what you’re missing. If you had a copy, I could show you why it’s so good. Go ahead and find one. I’ll wait. It should be easy to find a copy. It’s not even that expensive. I bet it costs as much as a backrub. You want a backrub? It’s only five dollars. I’ll get all the tension out or your money back. Not that you have to take your money back or anything. I mean, I tried, right? Isn’t that what counts? I try hard every day, you know. At the end of every day I just want to go home and sleep, I’ve been playing the lottery so much.

All right, now we’ve got a copy of Rocket Knight Adventures, now on sale for only a backrub. Better blow out the cartridge. See, I know what to do. I’ve owned a Sega Genesis for years. Been a while since I’ve used mine, though. I’ve been giving so many backrubs that I can’t even pick up the groceries, much less a controller. See these arms? You don’t get this fit from playing Sega Genesis all day. Nope. All you need is a wall and a picture of your girlfriend you can punch and you’re set.

Anyway, let’s turn this little thing on.

Sparkster poses for the camera, like it matters.

Oh, that takes me back. I remember when I first signed up for the Rocket Knights. Mom saw me off to the bus stop. There I was-clean armor, sharp sword, charged jetpack. I felt wonderful. I’ll never forget what Mom said to me that day. “Now, Sparkster, I want you to do your best and never give up. If you ever want to come home, I’ll be right here waiting for you, and I’ll patch up all of your stab wounds.” Ha ha! And then I said, “We’re going to be stabbing each other?” I sure miss those old times. You know, I’ve still got the Mario posters I used to keep in my room. I was a short kid, so I always looked up to him. He’s the reason I wanted to become a video game mascot. Someday I’ll meet him, and I’ll tell him how inspired I was by his work, and then he’ll offer me a part in his next game, and Princess Daisy will finally notice me because of it. I can’t wait.

Anyway, the game. Just start playing it, you’ll see why it’s so good. The graphics are still gorgeous. They’re colorful, lots of things happening in the foreground and background…great stuff. I worked on them, you know. I had to get everything together-the robots, the scenery, the backgrounds…all of it. And it wasn’t easy. It took a lot of begging to get people to agree to do them for me. But it was worth it to get this great game out to everyone. I know I said it costs a backrub, but I’d say it’s worth at least four, when you adjust for inflation. Well, maybe three, but the fourth one doesn’t cost anything if you bring a friend. It’s a great gift, a backrub. Perfect for someone who doesn’t have time to buy any gifts because they’re too busy making money off of my mortgages.

Always fly headfirst into giant robots.

The music is fantastic, too. It’s so moving and triumphant. Those guys at Konami really have some amazing composers. We only argued once, and I know being drunk isn’t an excuse, and I’m really sorry for flying into your sound booth, Mr. Sound Editor. But really, I was only drunk because I got laid off from my job. It’s a problem of mine-whenever I get fired for something, I always have a little drink to calm down, and the next thing you know, I get topsy-turvy. You have to understand, though-I really liked working at the blood mobile, but I only get four cookies before they told me I had to go home, so I was a little stressed out from that.

Hold on, I still gotta tell you about the gameplay. I mean, it’s a game, right? What’s a game without gameplay? It’s really incredible-you can slash your sword and fire energy waves, and if you hold down the attack button, you can charge up your jetpack so you can fly. But don’t use it while you’re drunk! You’ll just fly into sound booths and get fired. You’re not drunk, are you? You want to try out my jetpack? It’s $100 for every minute. I’d like to lower the price, but fuel is really expensive, because I can’t make it run off self-esteem like I used to.

This game is practically full of giant snake metaphors.

How do you like it so far? Is it good? I’m glad you like it. You know, it’s really good to have someone like you around to talk with. I don’t nearly feel that sad anymore, but if I start to cry, I can borrow your shoulder, right? That’s good to know. I’m glad we’re friends. Did you know being my friend qualifies you for a discount on your next backrub? You don’t have to get up. Here, let me take off my gloves.

THE FINAL VERDICT:

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RATING:

“Well, he certainly worked out all the kinks. I’d recommend him.”- Satisfied Customer