Robot Remembers: Wishbone
Reading is an important life skill. It’s just as neccessary as knowing how to plug someone in the head with a carbine. But, once you know how to read, you’ll be able to discover even more ways of killing people. It’s like opening up a new world that’s made of knives.
The Public Broadcasting Service understands the importance of reading. Along with Reading Rainbow, PBS introduced a variety of shows dedicated to increasing awareness of books, because, hey, if TV told kids to go read, maybe they actually would. I always wondered why they spent so much effort on reading. I mean, you never saw PBS focusing so much on all the other things kids needed to learn. What if I needed a show on getting beaten up by older children? Who knows-maybe I’ve been doing it wrong for years.
One of these shows about reading was called Wishbone, starring the Jack Russell terrier in question. Well, technically, it starred four different dogs. In every episode, you could expect Wishbone to be swimming, or doing a strange flip, or even sitting down, and each exciting stunt would require a different dog to perform it. Now that I think about it, it would’ve been a great way to justify a line of action figures.
BOY: Mommy, Mommy! I want a Wishbone toy!
MOM: Okay, just a little one. Let’s see…Frisbee Catching Wishbone, Super Swimming Wishbone…
BOY: I want THAT one!
MOM: …Carpet Ruining Wishbone?
BOY: His vomit’s made of oatmeal!
Wishbone lives in in a town called Oakdale with his owner Joe. Joe’s a middle-school student who gets into family-friendly adventures with his friends Samantha and David. Besides that, he also has a wacky neighbor called Wanda. Now, I gotta commend Wanda’s actress here. As a former wacky neighbor myself, I really appreciate the depths Wanda’s actress went to portray the archetype. I only hope that she escaped the role before she was permanently labelled as a wacky person and never taken seriously again. This is a major detriment when you wake up one morning and discover that you are on fire.
Soon, a problem occurs. Maybe Joe doesn’t know what to do in a situation, or he’s getting bugged by some guy called Damont with one of those close-cut haircuts that identifies him as a jackass from two hundred yards away. The problem reminds Wishbone of a classic work of literature, and from there, they switch back and forth between the main storyline and an abridged retelling of the work in question. It’s actually done pretty well. It may be weird to see Don Quixote interacting with Wishbone as he plays Sancho Panza, but the retellings usually strive to hit the major points and never dance around any unpleasant moments that may occur.
Of course, the problem is that watching these retellings is like picking up the SparkNotes for the book. Now there’s no point in reading it. Sure, some kids may be inspired to pick up a featured novel, and I can’t fault Wishbone for trying to accomplish that, but really, if you wanted kids to read these classic works, then retelling them on television defeats the point, doesn’t it? Most people’ll just watch the Wishbone version and forget about it until it re-emerges in high school as required reading for an essay. Those things require citations from the text, you know. You can’t just watch Mickey’s Christmas Carol and then cite “that one part where that Goofy dude started rattlin’ his chains at Scrooge McDuck”. It doesn’t work like that.
The only way to get kids to read the books themselves is to make them exciting again. By weaving new elements into the original prose, you can satisfy fans of the original while appealing to the new generation. For example, here’s an excerpt from Pride and Prejudice that’s been revised to cultivate interest in the children of today.
Elizabeth was engaged one day as she walked, in perusing Jane’s last letter, and dwelling on some passages which proved that Jane had not written in spirits, when, instead of being again surprised by Mr. Darcy, she saw on looking up that Colonel Fitzwilliam was meeting her. Putting away the letter immediately and forcing a smile, she said:
“I did not know before that you ever walked this way.”
“I have been making the tour of the park,” he replied, “as I generally do every year, and intend to close it with a call at the Parsonage. Are you going much farther?”
“No, I should have turned in a moment.”
And accordingly she did turn, and they walked towards the Parsonage together, until suddenly before them appeared a man cloaked entirely in black, his body obscured except his cold, black eyes, to which Elizabeth took an immediate notice.
“Who stands before me?” Colonel Fitzwilliam asked, to which the man in black replied:
“I have travelled here from a faraway land, seeking worthy fighters to test my skill against,” and the man in black pulled a blade from the scabbard strapped to his back, revealing a curved weapon of polished steel, which glistened in the light of the sun.
Colonel Fitzwilliam seemed in a calm humor, and he stepped toward the man, drawing his own saber, which Elizabeth now noticed had previously hung at his side. “Stand back, Elizabeth. This is a battle that I, as a former ninja, must fight alone.”
She understood the danger involved, and retreated back a small distance in order for Colonel Fitzwilliam to have space required to engage in combat, and as she did a thrill rushed within her, as she came to realize how totally cool this would be.
Now, doesn’t THAT sound exciting? Revised classics will keep your children reading to see what intrigue will unfold next. No need to push your high schooler to pick up a copy of A Tale of Two Cities-once he finds out Sydney Carton gets eaten by a T-Rex, he’ll never want to put it down!
But, until these revisions are available, Wishbone is a good alternative. And, hey-there’s nothing stopping you from using your imagination to make it even more exciting. Personally, there’s no better way to enjoy a Wishbone episode than by squinting your eyes and pretending that he’s a really tiny brontosaurus. With a jetpack.
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