Robot Reviews: Rocket Knight Adventures
by Sparkster the Rocket Knight
So today, I’m supposed to review Rocket Knight Adventures for the Sega Genesis. It’s really a wonderful game. Nobody knows that, though. Not enough people played it.
I mean, you don’t know what you’re missing. If you had a copy, I could show you why it’s so good. Go ahead and find one. I’ll wait. It should be easy to find a copy. It’s not even that expensive. I bet it costs as much as a backrub. You want a backrub? It’s only five dollars. I’ll get all the tension out or your money back. Not that you have to take your money back or anything. I mean, I tried, right? Isn’t that what counts? I try hard every day, you know. At the end of every day I just want to go home and sleep, I’ve been playing the lottery so much.
All right, now we’ve got a copy of Rocket Knight Adventures, now on sale for only a backrub. Better blow out the cartridge. See, I know what to do. I’ve owned a Sega Genesis for years. Been a while since I’ve used mine, though. I’ve been giving so many backrubs that I can’t even pick up the groceries, much less a controller. See these arms? You don’t get this fit from playing Sega Genesis all day. Nope. All you need is a wall and a picture of your girlfriend you can punch and you’re set.
Anyway, let’s turn this little thing on.
Sparkster poses for the camera, like it matters.
Oh, that takes me back. I remember when I first signed up for the Rocket Knights. Mom saw me off to the bus stop. There I was-clean armor, sharp sword, charged jetpack. I felt wonderful. I’ll never forget what Mom said to me that day. “Now, Sparkster, I want you to do your best and never give up. If you ever want to come home, I’ll be right here waiting for you, and I’ll patch up all of your stab wounds.” Ha ha! And then I said, “We’re going to be stabbing each other?” I sure miss those old times. You know, I’ve still got the Mario posters I used to keep in my room. I was a short kid, so I always looked up to him. He’s the reason I wanted to become a video game mascot. Someday I’ll meet him, and I’ll tell him how inspired I was by his work, and then he’ll offer me a part in his next game, and Princess Daisy will finally notice me because of it. I can’t wait.
Anyway, the game. Just start playing it, you’ll see why it’s so good. The graphics are still gorgeous. They’re colorful, lots of things happening in the foreground and background…great stuff. I worked on them, you know. I had to get everything together-the robots, the scenery, the backgrounds…all of it. And it wasn’t easy. It took a lot of begging to get people to agree to do them for me. But it was worth it to get this great game out to everyone. I know I said it costs a backrub, but I’d say it’s worth at least four, when you adjust for inflation. Well, maybe three, but the fourth one doesn’t cost anything if you bring a friend. It’s a great gift, a backrub. Perfect for someone who doesn’t have time to buy any gifts because they’re too busy making money off of my mortgages.
Always fly headfirst into giant robots.
The music is fantastic, too. It’s so moving and triumphant. Those guys at Konami really have some amazing composers. We only argued once, and I know being drunk isn’t an excuse, and I’m really sorry for flying into your sound booth, Mr. Sound Editor. But really, I was only drunk because I got laid off from my job. It’s a problem of mine-whenever I get fired for something, I always have a little drink to calm down, and the next thing you know, I get topsy-turvy. You have to understand, though-I really liked working at the blood mobile, but I only get four cookies before they told me I had to go home, so I was a little stressed out from that.
Hold on, I still gotta tell you about the gameplay. I mean, it’s a game, right? What’s a game without gameplay? It’s really incredible-you can slash your sword and fire energy waves, and if you hold down the attack button, you can charge up your jetpack so you can fly. But don’t use it while you’re drunk! You’ll just fly into sound booths and get fired. You’re not drunk, are you? You want to try out my jetpack? It’s $100 for every minute. I’d like to lower the price, but fuel is really expensive, because I can’t make it run off self-esteem like I used to.
This game is practically full of giant snake metaphors.
How do you like it so far? Is it good? I’m glad you like it. You know, it’s really good to have someone like you around to talk with. I don’t nearly feel that sad anymore, but if I start to cry, I can borrow your shoulder, right? That’s good to know. I’m glad we’re friends. Did you know being my friend qualifies you for a discount on your next backrub? You don’t have to get up. Here, let me take off my gloves.
THE FINAL VERDICT:
Tired of handling lonely and pitiful oppossums in your home? Well, now you can get rid of them with NEW 12-Gauge Shotgun! 12-Gauge Shotgun is SO EASY TO USE. Simply load 12-Gauge Shotgun with our patented cleansing shells, aim, and pull the cleansing-release trigger! In SECONDS, you’ll take care of any jobless oppossum that’s lounging around your home! And, when you order 12-Gauge Shotgun, you’ll recieve 60 cleansing shells and a sample of our NEW product, Aluminum Bat! Aluminum Bat is great for taking care of oppossums in hard-to-reach places, and is the PERFECT COMPANION to 12-Gauge Shotgun! This product is NOT available in stores, so YOU MUST CALL NOW!
RATING:
“Well, he certainly worked out all the kinks. I’d recommend him.”- Satisfied Customer
Related posts: