Giant Robot Invasion! – Home of Comedy Writer Matt Willard

The Power Rangers phenomenon deserves its own coverage, but I wanted to start off by talking about a part of Power Rangers lore that not many people seem to remember. As we all know, public service announcements are required by law to be totally lame, and the Power Rangers PSAs are no exception. They never aired them frequently as PSAs from other shows, but don’t worry-you’ll still want to go play in a hurricane.

The PSAs always focused on the nice things kids should do instead of beating me up all the time. Typical stuff-don’t be a douche, stay in school, and for the love of God, don’t try this at home. It’s a bit discouraging, because for a lot of kids, being a Power Ranger is their only viable work option. School never really holds their attention-the only kind of work they can fall back on involves doing what they love. Personally, I’m a firm believer of doing what you love for a paycheck, so I’m optimistic that there’s a market for children flailing against invisible monsters. I mean, little kids are cute. Maybe they could entertain people at McDonalds or something.

KID: I’m a Power Ranger! Hyaa! HI-YA! YAAAAA!
MAN: Aw, that’s so cute…hey, they forgot my bucket of cheese!

Each PSA is equally horrible and cheesy in its own way, but I’m only going to focus on a few in particular that strike my fancy. You ready to dive in? Then here we go!

<---BEGIN DOING SOMETHING ELSE HERE--->

#1: DON’T SCREW WITH WIRES YOU TWAT

Billy (secretly the Blue Ranger) is demonstrating an experimental device that will transform a rubber chicken into a “power eagle”. That’s good, because I feel that the bald eagle has desperately needed an upgrade for a while now. Nothing says “God Bless America” like an eagle with bitchin’ hot rod flames.

Q: What’s wrong with this eagle?
A: EVERYTHING!

Photo by Savannah Grandfather.

Another kid named Timmy scurries into the room, afraid that he’ll miss the astonishing miracle that God has seen fit to call POWER EAGLE. As he readjusts his backpack, he accidentally knocks out a wire plugged into the back of the device. Timmy plugs the wire back into another slot, but you can already see the immense guilt washing over his face. Actually, my dog sure seems to make that face a lot. You didn’t bring me a “present”, did you, Timmy?

Billy activates the machine and is somehow teleported into a dark void. He tries to call Zordon, leader of the Power Rangers, but to no avail. Yet somehow, Zordon still realizes that Billy is in trouble, and sends the Pink Ranger in to fix the machine.

Oh, boy, the heat is on now for our wire-tampering friend here! As the Pink Ranger messes with the machine, the full weight of Timmy’s unforgivable actions crash down on his shoulders, and he grows more and more concerned. It’s like that time when I bashed my sister’s friend across the leg with a heavy piece of hardware. But, for me, it wasn’t so much as “concern” as it was “Oh my God, Dad’s gonna KILL ME!”

(P.S.: I am still alive.)

Finally, the Pink Ranger plugs the wires back in their correct slots, and Billy returns to our plane of existence. At this point the guilt is simply too much for Timmy to bear! He steps foward before his respiratory system can collapse.

“I-I-I want you to know,” he says. “I’m the one who crossed the wires. I’m really sorry.”

“Hey, we all make mistakes,” Billy replies. “It takes real courage to be honest. I really admire your strength, Timmy.”

They shake hands. Timmy is so touched that he softly guffaws. Meanwhile, the other kids in the room celebrate by standing in the background and pretending that they still care.

(Hint: They don’t.)

#2: JASON WON’T FIGHT YOU BECAUSE YOU DON’T DESERVE TO BE STERILE

Trini (the Yellow Ranger) flows through a kata with another boy. This soft movement is contrasted by shots of Jason (the Red Ranger) pummelling a punching bag with various moves. These striking differences establish the dominant mood of the pice-grace and power.

But, a deep guitar riff signals the arrival of Curtis. He is angry with Jason. This means that he is angry with himself. And why not? Jason has huge muscles. This troubles Curtis. He wants huge muscles, too. But how does he get them? Weight lifting? Reading about muscles? Curtis hates reading. Books are gay.

For Curtis, there is only one solution. Curtis must steal Jason’s muscles.

Curtis shouts a challenge-”JASON!” This echoes his need for confrontation and directness. Curtis doesn’t play around. He lets you know immediately that he wants your muscles. He asks the only way he knows how-he swings at Jason, asking with punches and kicks. It is all Curtis knows how to do. But Jason keeps countering his attacks-he knows better.

The kid training with Trini wonders why Jason doesn’t take Curtis down. Trini answers with classic martial arts advice: a master of martial arts meets an opponent with discipline and self control. The kid just claims that Curtis doesn’t want self control, but Trini replies that any conflict must be met with the least amount of force. That is the great irony laid out before you. People almost never sign up for martial arts in order to deal with their problems nonviolently. Yes, some of us try to follow these rules, but only to make a mistake, accidentally delivering a roundhouse kick that knocks our partner into the wall. We can’t help it. We never chose to be gods.

And that is the main conflict presented here. Curtis is not a god. He’s not even a man. He is a kid, trying to steal Jason’s muscles. He perceives Jason as a god, and wants a piece of that godhood for himself. Jason could destroy Curtis very easily, but he chooses not to abuse his godly powers. Instead, he wants to help Curtis get past his fears and problems, understand him…care for him. He helps Curtis up and they walk away together, towards a new beginning. Trini closes the piece by telling her friend that he has just witnessed the highest form of martial arts: the ability to make a friend of an enemy. Indeed, this is true not only in martial arts, but in real life.

Overall, this PSA details the struggles of one kid trying to overcome his need for muscles. He fights against the heavens, falls, but rises up again, realizing that muscles don’t make the man-money does. He goes on to buy an expensive car, and the kid prospers, because with money, he reaches a level of divinity all his own.

Well, that’s one kind of muscle…

Photo by Doctor Keats.

#3: YOU ASSHOLE, YOU KILLED MY CHILDHOOD, YOU CHILDHOOD KILLING ASSHOLE, YOU

This PSA is unique because, rather than taking place within the context of the show, it occurs in a strange alternate dimension. In this realm, the world around you changes itself like clay, forming words and shapes based on what you’re thinking about at the moment, proudly displayed for everyone to see. (This is probably why they’ll never let me go back.)

Billy appears and says that for the next 60 seconds the Power Rangers, in assosciation with Fox Broadcasting, will be conducting a test of the Emergency Reality Check System. (Trademark.) Then Kimberly (the Pink Ranger) suddenly pops her head out from the corner and starts asking whether we know our reality from our fantasy. Don’t worry-I know the differences between these two very well. Reality is the thing I’m supposed to dread, right?

Billy and Kimberly start reading off a list of “fantasties” from the show, each one followed with its own “reality”. For example, Kimberly talks about the “fantasy” that the Power Rangers never get hurt during the on-screen violence. Then, Billy mentions the “reality”: hitting people, amazingly, does hurt them. Fantasy: the Power Rangers get involved in battles against horrible monsters. Reality: all of the fights are actually choreographed, making it seem more like a dance than an actual battle.

At this point, children hate you. Most kids probably figured out that this was fake to begin with, but they didn’t want to acknowledge it openly. For them, a back-of-the-mind kind of understanding was good enough, which kept them grounded in reality while being able to fully enjoy the show. Any sort of direct confirmation would just ruin it for them.

Speaking of ruining things, here comes the final blow. After Kimberly extolls the wonders of space-age weaponry, Billy tells us that real guns can hurt people, and that no one deserves to be shot by one. How does he support his point? Simple. He displays a tray of firearms.

Not THOSE.

Photo by Yuichirock.

Billy and Kimberly conclude by returning to the clay dimension. Kimberly tells us that, had this been an actual emergency, we would have been told to “get real”.

Oh, we got real, all right. In fact, I don’t think you could have dragged us back to reality faster than if you strapped us to a fighter jet. I mean, I realize that such a PSA was important to prevent lawsuits protect children, but at what cost? Reminding kids that people in spandex fighting rubber monsters isn’t real at all? Humph! Considering the alternatives, I think I’d prefer to dream.

Strangely, they never addressed my fantasy of having romantic encounters with Kimberly or Trini. I think it would go something like this.

FANTASY: Kimberly and Trini think you’re totally hot, and also secretly share your passion for Transformers.

REALITY: The actress who played Trini died in a car accident.

…you know what? I’m not even gonna touch that.

Related posts:

1. Even MORE Messages From The Power Rangers
2. Giant Robot Invasion’s Best Posts of 2009!
3. Fox Kids Club’s “Totally Kids” Magazine
4. Don’t Copy That Floppy Or We’ll Cut An Album, I Swear To God
5. The Callous Case of Commander Keen