Giant Robot Invasion! – Home of Comedy Writer Matt Willard

Trying to force yourself to learn something is only going to end in failure. If you don’t need to learn it, and if you don’t want to learn it, why should you even try? That’s the problem with public education-it tries way too hard to brute-force information into kids, with minimal results. How do they compensate? Bribery, of course. Too bad it’s ineffective. I mean, I spend my valuable time cramming facts in my brain that I’m never going to use, and for what? Letter grades? Forget that noise! If you’re gonna try and bribe me to learn, you seriously need to up your game. How about rewarding me with a date based on how well I do in school? I think it’d go well with the current grading system-the higher my grade, the more teeth she’ll have.

See, as humans, all we wanna do is have some fun. (And I’ve got a feeling we’re not the only ones.) Previously we had to work for our entertainment, but after the advent of television, we finally had a means to occupy ourselves that didn’t involve anything silly like using our legs. This turned out to be a pretty sweet deal for kids-now they could watch a variety of entertaining programs, escaping the drudgery of school for thirty minutes at a time.

So, naturally, educators decided to bungle it up. “Hey, if TV holds their attention better than a pruning schoolteacher could, then by Jove, we’ll use it to make ‘em learn their fractions for a change!” And so, a rash of educational programming invaded airwaves, trying to combine entertainment with learning. This unholy mix between fun and school devastated children of the 1940s, twisting their world upside down and causing them to whine in depression. It was a dark and confusing time-you never knew how many slaps it took to knock someone out of their funk.

Now, don’t get me wrong. After you get used to the initial horror, there are a lot of educational programs out there that are fun to watch. I know-I watched a load of them growing up. But do they really work? Can I really watch an episode of one of these shows and come out smarter, wiser, and more durable to the taunts of children?

Well, let’s find out. Using myself as a subject, I’m going to watch an episode of Bill Nye the Science Guy, a show dedicated to introducing children to science. After the episode, I will take a prepared exam designed to test me on the information I should have learned while watching. The results will determine whether or not educational programs succeed at teaching children new things. If so, then I propose that we switch our current school curriculum to one entirely based around watching television all day. Don’t worry-younger children will still have recess. They’ll just be watching other children play instead.

VIDEO WATCHING PHASE

1. Bill Nye, the host of the show, demonstrates momentum by riding on a skateboard-the faster you go, the more momentum you have. He also shows off another important formula-the older you are, the less business you have being on a skateboard.

2. The theme song uses a montage of scientific images and modified voices to tell me that, yes, I am watching Bll Nye the Science Guy. I must make sure to remember this for later.

3. An announcer tells me that Bill Nye the Science Guy was brought to me by seatbelts, which are now powerful enough to sponsor television shows. Soon they will overthrow their human masters and establish a new society for all seatbeltkind. That’s why it’s important to begin reducing your dependence on seatbelts. Sure, you may fly through a windshield every now and then, but don’t worry-since I’m in the back seat, I’ll be just fine.

4. Bill enters his lab and begins explaining momentum. He ends up at a device called the Momentum Bowling Ball of Science, which uses bowling balls to explain how momentum transfers between objects. By setting off the device, enough momentum is transfered to swing a bowling ball into Bill’s gut.

CONCLUSION: Momentum will punish my enemies.

5. A kid demonstrates a “Nifty Home Experiment” involving a ruler and two coins, but someone soon gets fed up and changes the channel, probably to something more porn-ish.

6. In a later segment, Bill demonstrates how momentum can launch rockets. Hmmm. I guess momentum must’ve been late for work when the Challenger blew up.

7. Then they show the Challenger blowing up.

8. Then mournful music plays while someone throws pies in Bill’s face.

Um…great tribute?

9. Okay, I’m starting to get a little sick of hearing about momentum and how it applies to everything. Look, Bill. Momentum doesn’t affect bowling pins at all. You’re just mad that I’m a bowling god who makes pins bend to my will. They’re all like, “oooh, he’s SO good at bowling!” and I’m all “naturally!” and they’re all “we want to fall down all over your huge junk!” and then I’m like “plenty of room, pinnies! Plenty of room.”

10. An Asian guy uses the power of momentum to deliver a flying double kick to some balding guy who ruined his perfect pool game.

CONCLUSION: Momentum will DESTROY MY ENEMIES.

11. Once again, Bill demonstrates momentum through croquet, but then someone hits a ball in his face. I gotta admit, it was a nice shot. In fact, I’d really like to start throwing things at Bill too. Stay right there for a moment, I’m gonna go see if there’s any tactical nukes lying around.

12. Now that we’re nearing the end of the episode, the show’s decided to cap off with a full-blown music video. Of course, rather than use an actual song, they parody an existing one and turn the lyrics into something whoring momentum again. Yes, I get it. Momentum is great. Momentum drives our world. Momentum started the Revolution, tore down the Berlin Wall, and fought off alien invaders. I GET THE PICUTRE. QUIT TELLING ME.

You know what? I’m done. I’m sick of hearing about momentum. Just turn off the episode now. Let’s get on with this stupid test already.

TESTING PHASE

WRITTEN ANSWER SECTION

1. What is momentum?
ANSWER: Um…uh…

2. Are you sure you don’t know? You just spent thirty minutes watching a show about it.
ANSWER: Well…

3. They hammered it into your head during that entire episode and you’re telling me you don’t rememeber any of it?
ANSWER: My brain tends to push out information I don’t really need. Like compassion.

4. Well, that’s just great. We spent all this money on special effects and stock footage and funny little experiments for you to try at home, but now it’s all gone to waste. Perfect.
ANSWER: Sorry.

5. Please tell me SOMETHING you remember from this episode.
ANSWER: Um…momentum will destroy my enemies?

MULTIPLE CHOICE SECTION

1. Do you feel you deserve the “F” I’m about to give you?
( ) Yes
( ) Yes
( ) Yes
( ) Yes

2. You didn’t answer the previous question.
( ) I’m sorry. Please shoot me.

CONCLUSION

Well, as you’ve probably guessed, I didn’t learn a damn thing from Bill Nye the Science Guy. However, despite some of the weirder segments, it’s still pretty entertaining for a children’s show, especially where science is involved. Children who are hungry for the subject will definitely get more out of it than I ever could, but for the rest of us, it’s still a good watch.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have this sudden urge to rewatch Enter the Dragon. Remember, kids-the faster Bruce Lee kicks, the more momentum will knock your punk ass down.

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2. Carmen Sandiego’s On PBS-It’s Not THAT Hard To Find Her
3. The Magic School Bus and the Wonderful Freakout
4. Don’t Copy That Floppy Or We’ll Cut An Album, I Swear To God
5. Robot Remembers: Wishbone