Giant Robot Invasion! – Home of Comedy Writer Matt Willard

How hard is it to lose track of a woman dressed in a bright red trenchcoat and fedora? You would think that the agents of ACME would be able to keep an eye on her. Nope! Somehow Carmen Sandiego always manages to elude them. It’s embarrassing. Here we are, tossing government money down the drain trying to capture this woman, and she keeps making fools out of us. GRRRRR! It just makes me so mad, you know?

Sigh. I’m sorry. I need to calm down. Looks like I’ll have to make out with one of my girlfriends.

By the way, her eyes are quite large. Are all women supposed to have eyes like that?

In any case (har har!) ACME is always looking for that special agent who can bring Carmen in. I mean, why else do we have the Carmen Sandiego computer games? Obviously ACME uses them to test potential candidates-only agents with the finest geography skills can hope to match wits with the master thief. It’s kinda like The Last Starfighter, except you’d probably suck at it if you never paid attention in class. If only they made a game about doodling robots in your notebook.

In 1991, ACME expanded their talent search by creating Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego, a game show for children that ran on PBS until 1996. Contestants played the part of novice gumshoes brought in to handle ACME’s latest case. Directed by their host, the gumshoes would work together to snag the crook, and hopefully Carmen Sandiego as well.

Did this work? About as often as you like getting shot in the face.

After the contestants were introduced, the Chief briefed them on a famous landmark or artifact that one of Carmen’s minions stole. These guys ran the gamut. Sometimes the crook was Double Trouble, a pair of twins that sound like Jack Nicholson if he was tossed into a cheese grater. Sometimes it was a cyborg named Robocrook. Sometimes it was even Patty Larceny, a ditzy blonde that I strangely cannot imagine having sex with. It’s okay, though-she’s not even a real woman. Her eyes aren’t nearly big enough.

The gumshoes spent the bulk of each episode tracking the crook across the world. Each gumshoe started with fifty Crimebucks, and by correctly answering questions, they earned more. This is probably the worst way to make a paycheck. Imagine for a moment if you were paid based on how much geography you remembered from school. Doesn’t sound that good, does it? Well, don’t worry. I’m pretty sure you can feed a family of four on a dollar twenty nine. You’ll just have to make a few sacrifices. Like expiration dates.

Before each question, the gumshoes received a clue to the correct answer. Of course, since this was a children’s show, this meant the clues had to be presented through a bunch of silly sketches. Maybe Greg would have a dream hinting at the correct answer, or maybe he would banter with a neighbor in drag. Hell, sometimes he just asked God what to do next. (I know the feeling.)

But God would never just tell the gumshoes where the crook was headed. Oh, no. We had to figure it out for ourselves. Look, God, I know You gave us these highly advanced brains and all, but that doesn’t mean we actually want to USE them. Why do You think we keep inventing machines to do stuff for us? Besides, it’s not like it’s a bad thing. You can be happy that we’re using the intelligence You bestowed upon us, and we can be happy that we made a toilet that flushes itself.

Tired of reaching a few inches over to the right to push down on a handle?
SO WERE WE!

Even after the clue, the answer was still multiple choice. Seriously, guys. You’re an organization devoted to capturing criminals. The results of your surveillance should not be, “This is kinda where we think the bad guy is”. You would think that this racket would have government funding to enhance these operations. Does that mean that ACME is an independent agency, the sole defenders against the threat of Carmen Sandiego and her worldly knowledge? Look at it this way-when your agency is funded by Toyota, you’ve got a problem.

And yet, ACME always had enough cash to award prizes. I mean, check out the prize pack they gave to the gumshoe who got eliminated first. “Good job making it this far, sleuth! You win, uh…a shirt! Yeah! And this nifty watch! And how about a subscription to National Geographic World that you’ll probably never read? GONZO! What an amazing going-away present from your employers at ACME!” Yeah, yeah, it’s gonzo, all right. It’s okay. I know where I’m not wanted. Just don’t come crying to me when Carmen bops over to South America and you struggling to figure out the capital of Brazil.

(By the way, anyone know what the capital of Brazil is? I wrote it down in my notebook, but now I can’t read it because I doodled robots all over it.)

After another gumshoe was sent packing, the last contestant chased down Carmen Sandiego. This meant running all over a giant map while placing markers on cities as Greg called them out. If the gumshoe correctly marked a certain number of cities, then he would win. Of course, since the grand prize was a trip to anywhere in North America, the run had to be nearly perfect. After all, ACME was far too busy ordering subscriptions to National Geographic World to pay for a lot of silly trips or anything!

Really, ACME squandered so much of their money on stupid prizes that when it came time to put together the music, all they could afford was four guys making noises with their mouths. I never got how body noises in harmony could be considered music. With that logic, we’re basically making music whenever we talk. (Thankfully, this has allowed me to create such rock and roll classics as “Who’s Gonna Take Out The F***ing Trash?!” and “I’m Not Picking THAT Up!”)

But the show was still fun to watch despite all the bad choices ACME made on it. It wrapped a fun concept around a subject that not many kids found enjoyable, creating something entertaining and memorable. Unfortunately, after five seasons it was replaced by Where in Time is Carmen Sandiego, successfully pushing aside everything that made the original show so popular. But hey-if television producers didn’t try to mess up a good thing…well, it just wouldn’t be television, would it?

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to mess with the time stream and prevent some traumatic childhood events from ever occurring. Push ME in a puddle, will you? Let’s see you try to do that in the middle of a VOLCANO! MUWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Related posts:

1. Don’t Copy That Floppy Or We’ll Cut An Album, I Swear To God
2. How GamePro TV Unfortunately Kept The 90s From Dying
3. Bill Nye the Science Guy: Learning How To Hurt People With Science
4. Fox Kids Club’s “Totally Kids” Magazine
5. Friends Don’t Let Friends Watch The Windows 95 Video Guide