Giant Robot Invasion!

I loved watching the Fox Kids cartoon block while growing up. Their shows just seemed more exciting and memorable than anything the other channels offered. Plus, the block always felt larger than life. You could argue that Fox Kids was more successful than One Saturday Morning or whatever CBS had-after all, Fox did bring us Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers, as well as animated shows from Warner Brothers that would eventually move to their own channel. Fox Kids respectfully used the air time previously occupied by these shows to air a cartoon about cockroaches.

At one point, Fox Kids had a magazine. When I was growing up, I knew that they had one, but I never could get my hands on any issues. Fortunately, a blogger named Vinnie Rattolle has gone out of his way to offer a scan of the August 1995 issue in PDF format. It’s totally awesome-I finally have the opportunity to dig into this undiscovered part of my childhood and check out a magazine I’ve always wanted to own. Your name may sound a bit suspicious, Vinnie, but I really appreciate what you’ve done. As payment, here are my keys, so you don’t have to work so hard when you knife me and jack my car.

I wasn’t kidding about those Warner Brothers cartoons, by the way. I don’t just pull nostalgia out of my ass here.

The big feature of this issue is an interview with Boys II Men, a band I didn’t care about even when they were popular. The magazine uses this opportunity to promote a contest from McDonalds-if you won, you’d get an exclusive Boys II Men concert for your school. Fox Kids was always promoting these wacky contests-later in the issue they talk about winners of previous contests, spotlighting a 10 year old boy who actually won a Camaro. Is that even LEGAL? My favorite, however, is the 7 year old girl who won a crapload of Street Sharks toys along with a trip to an aquarium. It’s pretty obvious that all she wanted was that trip. The Street Sharks toys probably got passed to her brother, who acted out exciting adventures like “Danger in the Submerged Mines” and “Everyone Beats Up Bobby Horton For Making Fun of Me”.

Fortunately, the entire issue isn’t a Boys II Men-stravaganza. There are other embarassing features as well, such as a two-page spread where Spider Man encourages you to make nightmarish pictures with clips from old photos. Then there’s the ridiculously short comic about The Adventures of Batman and Robin which basically unfolds like this:

-Batman and Robin go into an abandoned fun house.
-Robin gets captured by the Joker and tied up in a chair.
-Joker declares that he wants Batman to find him.
-READ NEXT ISSUE TO FIND OUT THE EXCITING CONCLUSION

It’s bad enough when a normal magazine does this, but with a discontinued magazine, it’s even worse. How does Robin escape? Will he free himself and defeat Joker by using the skills Batman has taught him? Or will he be content to sit there and wait for Batman to fall into Joker’s obvious trap? Who knows! I don’t. They want me to check in the next issue to find out. It’s like when you’re watching a show and they break for commercials. I hate it. And now I hate how everyone looks like they’re having fun drinking Pepsi.

Of course, since this is a kid’s magazine, it’s full of games. Most of them are crammed near the back in a section called Fuddlements, but some of them are scattered around the magazine to fill it out. It’s really sad when I look at some of the games and I can’t immediately solve them. I mean, they’re for kids, right? Why do I actually have to think them out? I shouldn’t be wasting my brain power on stuff like this. I should be using it to invent more machines that make our lives easier and do things for us that we hate to do, like exercise.

But there are some puzzles I can solve, like this Carmen Sandiego-themed one. It looks pretty easy. Even better-if I solve it, it’ll tell me where Carmen Sandiego is headed next. That’s a pretty good deal. After all, we all know ACME couldn’t find her even if she showed up on their front doorstep and shot them with an atlas launcher.

Ha! Is this it? A simple substitution cipher? Since O stands for N in this cipher, it’s easy to conclude that each letter in this code stands for the one that precedes it! Really, I was hoping for a more interesting challenge for my genius intellect. You know, a challenge that’s fun to solve, unlike world hunger.

Okay, let’s write in each letter and figure out where Carmen Sandiego is heading next!

Not even the CIPHER can find her! You are so fired.

But no magazine for kids is entirely fun and games. They’re always looking for sneaky ways to educate us as well. Of course, these sneaky educational asides figure that, if a beloved Fox Kids character tells us boring facts, we’ll pay more attention. This may work when the Blue Ranger rambles about how we shouldn’t dick with the environment, but are kids really going to pay attention when they start talking about bloomers? You have to spice it up and draw their interest if you want them to learn something. For example, try reading it during a car crash.

The most obvious bait-and-switch comes from an article about crop circles. It mentions that some people theorize that crop circles are created by aliens, and what better way to lead into an article about alien activity than to slip in a shoutout to Fox Kids’s latest show, Masked Rider?

Educational bits gleefully removed for your convienence.

Yes…Masked Rider, the show that ignored everything good about its Japanese counterpart Kamen Rider to become an asinine sitcom involving aliens and adopted families and a fuzzy duck creature called Ferbus. It pissed off the creator of Kamen Rider so much that no adaptations of his work were allowed until 2009’s Kamen Rider: Dragon Knight, and to get THAT greenlit, the producers had to ace a quiz about Kamen Rider’s legacy. This was reasonable, of course. I can tell you with full honesty that Masked Rider was a painfully stupid show, and I used to watch a show called Big Bad Beetleborgs.

Finally, I have to talk about the advertisements. Most of the ads in this magazine are pretty standard, but there are two in particular I have to address. One of them is for dolls that I never even knew existed until I saw the ad. You can imagine my surprise when I discovered…Power Rangers dolls for girls.

I mean, seriously. Who sat down and thought, “hey, let’s make a doll playset based on Power Rangers!” Did this kind of stunt even work? If you saw a girl playing with dolls, you know it’s probably gonna be a doll that you would actually see a girl playing with. Yet they try to sell this thing with words that might work if I wasn’t staring at dolls wearing spandex jumpsuits. It says you can have fun brushing their hair, putting on different outfits, and doing gymnastics on the balance beam. Look, the only gymnastics we want to do with our Power Rangers toys is to have them perform flying missile dropkicks on their enemies. Then they need to team up with Triple H to fight Godzilla, otherwise the entire free world as we know it is toast.

The other ad is an ad for Cap’n Crunch, with entries from the captain’s diary about a kid named Tim. It seems normal at first, but then you take a closer look at the entries:

MONDAY: Took Tim his favorite cereal, Cap’n Crunch.
TUESDAY: Helped Tim with speech…We had a bowl of my delicious cereal.
WEDNESDAY: Tim’s speech is getting better…Brought Tim 2 more boxes of Crunch.
THURSDAY: …cleaned my room. Have to stop eating my cereal in bed.

Look, I know the Cap’n supposed to like this stuff, but I didn’t know he loves THAT much. He’s practically shoving the crap in Tim’s mouth. Who the hell brings kids excessive amounts of cereal and even admits to eating it in bed? I don’t know, but he’s 32 and still sleeps in the basement.

So that’s the Fox Kids magazine. Sure, it’s painfully obvious that it was made in the 90s, but since it’s a relic of the awesome Fox Kids cartoon block, I’m willing to forgive. Hell, I would’ve loved to have this magazine growing up. I’m glad I had the opportunity to take a look at it, and I hope more issues emerge in the future.

Once again, big props to Vinnie Rattolle for scanning this issue. If you need any favors, just say the word. Maybe you need help moving your couch, or setting up a new computer. Hell, maybe Kino’s squealed on you for the last time. Anything at all-I’m your man.

-Written by Justin Bailey

Fans have certain expectations when a new Metroid game hits the scene. They expect a huge, interconnected world to explore, populated by a variety of alien creatures. They expect to power up with classic weapons such as the Super Missile and the Ice Beam. Most importantly, they expect that they should be able to bypass certain parts of the game with skillful maneuvers, allowing them to collect items in a different order, or even skip items and bosses altogether. Yeeeeep. It was always just the player’s character all alone in a dangerous, fascinating world, and that’s how the fans liked it.

Metroid Fusion was…different.

PLAYER: Man, I’ve got to sit here and listen to this stupid computer tell me what to do, and I can’t even bypass this guy to go pick up some bombs! What kind of Metroid game is this?!

NINTENDO: We decided to try something different this time-we’ve included an actual plot! Your interactions with the computer deepen the game as you explore the true nature of the X, as well as what frightening consequences would occur if they were to be unleashed on the entire galaxy!

PLAYER: Look, Nintendo, I’m not even going to bother to read that novel you just spouted, so just answer me this: can I skip any weapons in this game?

NINTENDO: Um…no.

PLAYER: Any bosses?

NINTENDO: Not really.

PLAYER: Can I skip ANYTHING?

NINTENDO: You can skip through the text! Just hold down the B Button and-

PLAYER: That’s what I thought. EYE LASERS GO!

NINTENDO: BLAAAAARGH! (melts)

Metroid Fusion is usually considered the black sheep of the Metroid family because of the inability to skip parts of the game. Also, no one likes being forced to talk with a computer that runs on Windows Tightass. Still, if you can ignore the departures from Metroid standards, Metroid Fusion is one nice-looking sheep.

Metroid Fusion begins with the bounty hunter Samus Aran escorting two other armored dopes into a planet called SR388. There, they encounter a glob of Flubber that attacks Samus due to his hatred of any movie Robin Williams stars in. Known as the X, the little bugger infects Samus and causes him to lose consciousness while flying his ship. As a result, the ship spirals into an asteroid belt and crashes.

Huh. That was fast, especially for a game that cost 30 bucks. Oh, well, I guess that just means I get to leave early today. Thanks for reading!

THE FINAL VERDICT:

???: Hold it! This review isn’t over yet!

It’s a pair of breasts! My boss must’ve finally gotten around to paying me!

*SMACK!*

???: Up here.

Whoops! Sorry. Who are you?

???: I’m Samus Aran.

Justin: Get out of here! Samus is totally a guy’s name and you are very clearly not a guy.

Samus: Well, I guess just you’re going to have to deal with it, aren’t you?

Justin: Okay, you drive a hard bargain. Just let me touch them and you can stay.

Samus: Look, I came to tell you that there’s more to the game than just me crashing my ship into an asteroid belt.

Justin: Don’t tell me there’s an actual GAME in this cartridge!

Samus: Mmmhmm. See, even though my ship crashed, it managed to eject me before the collision. I was rescued by the Galactic Federation, and they discovered that the X had already infected my body. My suit protected me from a lot of the damage, but they still had to surgically remove it from me. The results were…not so good.

Justin: Stop, stop! I can’t bear to look at it anymore! It’s blinding me with science!

Samus: And rather than letting me rest after my near-death experience, the Federation sent me over to the Biologic Space Labs spacestation to investigate a problem. Turns out the whole station’s crawling with X.

Justin: So I assume you set the whole station to self-destruct upon discovering this.

Samus: No! Though it’s a pretty good idea, when you think about it…

Justin: I also understand that to aid you in your mission, they gave you a virtual babysitter that told you where to go and to make sure to look both ways before crossing the street, right?

Look at this thing. It’s so formal that running Linux on it would give it a heart attack. You can’t tell me what to do, computer! You hear? I may only use ten percent of my brain but at least I can eat cheesecake! What do you have to say to THAT?

Samus: The main problem is that the space station is designed to recreate various enviroments in different sectors. There’s a tropic sector, a cave sector…there’s even a sector with lava.

Justin: Wouldn’t that burn through the space station or something?

Samus: I guess they figured out a way to prevent that.

Justin: Must’ve used a lot of asbestos.

Samus: Anyway, each of these sections have creatures possessed by the X. Since I was cured using a vaccine created with a cellular sample of a Metroid, I can now absorb the X and use them to replenish my health and weapons.

Justin: Quick! Get the red ones! They cure cancer!

Shoot! It got away. Great job, Samus.

Samus: I don’t think those can cure cancer.

Justin: And now we’ll never know because YOU refused to take action. Tsk tsk. For shame.

*SMACK!*

Samus: Anyway, besides the small X, there are bigger X that possess even larger creatures. Absorbing their X grants me some of the powers I used to have.

Justin: Like COMPASSION for your FELLOW MAN? Please don’t hit me.

Samus: I’m warning you…

Justin: R-Right! Anything else you’d like to tell us about the game, Samus?

Samus: Well, it’s definitely more plot-driven this time around, but it’s not really so bad. Sure, you lose the ability to skip parts of the game, and that can be bad if you’re really into that part of Metroid, but still, you get to learn a bit more about me, about my past, and that there’s something even more dangerous than the X on board. Something that could spell doom for the entire galaxy. As for what that is…well, you’re going to have to play the game for yourself.

Justin: I’m sure it’s a fine ride. Anyway, thanks for taking time our of your busty schedule to speak with us, Samus. And readers, be sure to give Metroid Fusion a try!

Samus: …did you say “busty schedule”?

Justin: What? Oh ho ho! No! No no no no no, I said…I said, um…uh…

Are you sure I can’t touch your boobs?

*SMACK!*

RATING:

Hey! Can I touch YOUR boobs?

*ZAP!*

(Metroid Fusion copyrighted to Nintendo.)

Short post this time, guys, but don’t worry-there’s a good reason. It’s just that my typical in-depth isn’t going to cut it for today’s subject. What am I reviewing, exactly? The title’s up there. Can’t you read it? It’s part of the arrangement, you know. I sit here and jam about classic nostalgic things, and in return you sit there and read the title so you know what I’m talking about. You’re lucky I’m spending my valuable time complaining about things to you in the first place. Now let’s get this over with, I have SO many backs to talk behind today.

TMATEOFTB stars Grover from Sesame Street. (No, I refuse to write the whole title out more than once.) The story details his mighty struggle to prevent the reader from reaching the end of the book. Why? Because apparently there is a monster waiting in there. Because, as we all know, keeping horrible monsters in the back of a children’s book is the best way to keep them reading. That’s why this book is so popular with children-they don’t live long enough to complain.

The resulting romp is delightful, as Grover does everything in his power to stop the incredible page-turning power of the reader. He shouts, he whines, and he even tries to bolster the pages down with wood or brick. Of course, one of my favorite feelings to have is godlike superiority, so you can imagine my pleasure as I tore through the story, watching Grover squirm with each page. Yes, squirm! Squirm under your master! And lo, you will go forth and bring me disciples, and they will pay lots of cash to keep me tame, for if they do not appease me, I will release a plague upon them and their children, and henceforth, that plague shall be known as “HOLY CRAP, RUN AWAY FROM THE F***ING MONSTER”. Amen.

But as you would expect from a children’s book, no great creature emerges to devour Grover whole once you reach the end. Instead, we discover that Grover was actually the prophetic monster at the end of the book all along. Ha ha! Let us share a good laugh at the silliness of it all. Grover, in a festive mood, claims that he told me there was nothing to be afraid of, because I was apparently so scared! Ah ha ha ha ha! Nice one, Grover!

Of course, with the looming threat of the killer robot apocalypse, there’s a perfectly good reason to be scared, isn’t there? It’s not my fault I’m scared. I just think people would like me more if my face stayed on my body.

Oh, look, here comes the Robot at the End of This Post! Why don’t you entertain him while I go over here. To Antarctica.

Have fun~!

Released in 1991, Street Fighter 2 revolutionized the gaming world and helped popularize the fighting game genre. Sure, there were games in the past that featured head to head combat with multiple playable characters, but Street Fighter 2 took it to the next level by introducing a big Russian man into the roster. It was an incredible hit, spawning a rash of imitators. Coincidentally, most of them were just remakes of Street Fighter 2 itself.

In the single-player mode, a great tournament is held to determine the strongest fighter in the world. Each of the eight selectable fighters have their own unique backstory and reasons for entering the tournament. Since these details are found in the instruction manual, let me just sum them up for you here.

RYU: “I’ve dedicated my life to the art of karate.”

E. HONDA: “I’ve dedicated my life to the art of sumo.”

DHALSIM: “I’ve dedicated my life to achieving peace and enlightenment. Now sit still so I can painfully burn you with my fire breath.”

GUILE: “I want revenge.”

CHUN-LI: “I want revenge.”

ZANGIEF: “I want revenge.

“Revenge for old mohawk.

“Once Zangief used to have mohawk. We had such fun-how we laughed and cried together! But then American bastards…they had problems with Russian mohawks. Said we ‘cramped style’, whatever that means. I was asleep with mohawk after hard day of piledriving bears, but then someone rings doorbell. I go open the door and I find American frat boy outside pointing gun at me.

“‘This is for taking American fashion trend, man!’ he shout, and before I could stop him, he shot hole through mohawk, who let out bloodcurdling scream. I tried to grab American bastard but he ran off before I could catch him, drove off with other American frat boys to get drunk on crappy American beer. I take mohawk into bathroom and try to wash out wound.

“‘I’m not going to make it, Zangief,’ mohawk say.

“‘Don’t speak like that!’ I say. ‘Mohawk get wound cleaned and then mohawk still look good even with giant hole in him!’

“‘Don’t be stupid,’ mohawk say. ‘I can’t go around with a giant hole through me. It looks unnatural.’

“‘No, mohawk!’ I shout. ‘Don’t give up! Zangief need you!’

“Mohawk give me sad look and watch tears stream down my face. He say, ‘I’ve taught you everything I know about wrestling, Zangief. It was great being your mohawk…but now it’s time for me to move on.’

“‘No, mohawk!’ I shout. ‘Stay with Zangief! STAY WITH ZANGIEF!’

“But I was too late. Mohawk was already gone.

“That is why I fight. I enter this tournament and fight for honor of old mohawk who taught me all I know about hurting people. In name of mohawk, I will win tournament, and bring glory to his name! ALL WILL KNOW NAME OF ZANGIEF’S OLD MOHAWK! MOTHER RUSSIA IS WITNESS! RESPECT ZANGIEF’S MOHAWK! RESPECT ZANGIEF’S MOHAAAAAAAAAWK!“

KEN: “Uh…”

BLANKA: “I’m Blanka!”

You’ll take your selected character across the world and beat up fighters from other countries. When you think about it, this could be a great way to settle disputes between nations. Rather than spend millions of dollars on a pointless war that would only result in the loss of innocent lives, both countries can just have their most powerful warriors enter a ring and duke it out. It would work great, unless Japan decides to spend the entire round throwing fireballs, which China would consider “totally cheap”.

After you trounce your fellow warriors, you’ll have to do battle with the four Grand Masters, a legendary band of superjerks who will stop at nothing to end your quest for total awesomeness. They include:

SAGAT: A master of Muay Thai, an apprentice of the comb over.

VEGA: A Spanish ninja who equates beauty with power. Under this belief system, he is weaker than Marilyn Manson.

BALROG: Hates Gandalf.

M. BISON: By wielding the evil energy called Psycho Power, he gained superhuman strength and powerful flying body attacks. All I can say is that if Hitler got his hands on that stuff, World War II would’ve been a lot cooler.

But even if you beat the game with each character, the main feature that keeps bringing players back is the two-player mode. Many a gamer spent hours of fun chucking fireballs at their friends in front of a flickering TV. This irritated parents to no end. I mean, if they were going to throw things at each other all day, they might as well do it outside with rocks.

Be warned! Street Fighter 2 is definitely not for casual gamers. Expert players make it seem easy, but with all of the special moves and tactics avaliable, an aspiring street fighter must work hard to perfect his craft. Only through rigorous training and experience can you shape your thumbs into champions of victory.

Buuuuuuut, if you’d just rather win, there’s a few tricks you can use to ensure maximum success.

THE FIREBALL STRATEGY: To limit your entire strategy to one move illustrates devotion to a single path. Many men choose a variety of moves as part of their combative style, but you strive for simplicity. There is nothing more enlightening than the repeated use of a single tired move. Do not hate the opponents that merely jump over your fireball and pummel you until you fall down. They are burdened by technique. Their lives are hard enough.

THE ELECTRIC HUNDRED KICK STRATEGY: E.Honda, Blanka, and Chun Li all possess a move that works by repeatedly hammering on a certain button. Pick a button. It is imperative that you don’t stop pressing that button. That button determines your victory. Press it! Keep pressing it! I don’t care if your finger hurts! You want to win, don’t you?! Press it! PRESS IT! Unleash the fury of your single move! PRESS IT TO THE LIMIT! YES! YES! YESSSSSSSS!

THE HIT AND RUN STRATEGY: A coward once said, “He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day”. I only hope he trademarked that quote, because otherwise he’s missing out on a bunch of royalties. In any case, this non-aggressive combat strategy involves hitting the opponent a few times while avoiding or blocking attacks. The goal is to have more life than your opponent when the timer reaches zero, and is also favored by proponents of the Fireball Strategy. This style was perfected by a mosquito named Monty, who chanced death against newspapers and survived for twenty whole days. Ironically, he died of old age before we had a chance to interview him.

With these techniques in your arsenal, no one except most players will be able to stand up to you! Go forth, young warrior, and do your country proud! Because if you don’t, you will be arrested for treason.

THE FINAL VERDICT:

Hey! Glad you enjoyed Street Fighter 2. Be sure to try out Street Fighter 2: Champion Edition. And while you’re at it, be sure to play Street Fighter 2: Hyper Fighting, Super Street Fighter 2, and Super Street Fighter 2: “Gigantic Knockers” Edition. Remember-Capcom loves you, and only wants to give you the best video game experience possible. That’s why our motto is: “If It Ain’t Broke, Put It Up For Sale Again!” ™

RATING:

PARTY AT GORBACHEV’S PLACE!

(Street Fighter copyrighted to Capcom.)