Metroid Boobs: The Booby Awakening of the Ancient Boobs
-Written by Justin Bailey
Fans have certain expectations when a new Metroid game hits the scene. They expect a huge, interconnected world to explore, populated by a variety of alien creatures. They expect to power up with classic weapons such as the Super Missile and the Ice Beam. Most importantly, they expect that they should be able to bypass certain parts of the game with skillful maneuvers, allowing them to collect items in a different order, or even skip items and bosses altogether. Yeeeeep. It was always just the player’s character all alone in a dangerous, fascinating world, and that’s how the fans liked it.
Metroid Fusion was…different.
PLAYER: Man, I’ve got to sit here and listen to this stupid computer tell me what to do, and I can’t even bypass this guy to go pick up some bombs! What kind of Metroid game is this?!
NINTENDO: We decided to try something different this time-we’ve included an actual plot! Your interactions with the computer deepen the game as you explore the true nature of the X, as well as what frightening consequences would occur if they were to be unleashed on the entire galaxy!
PLAYER: Look, Nintendo, I’m not even going to bother to read that novel you just spouted, so just answer me this: can I skip any weapons in this game?
NINTENDO: Um…no.
PLAYER: Any bosses?
NINTENDO: Not really.
PLAYER: Can I skip ANYTHING?
NINTENDO: You can skip through the text! Just hold down the B Button and-
PLAYER: That’s what I thought. EYE LASERS GO!
NINTENDO: BLAAAAARGH! (melts)
Metroid Fusion is usually considered the black sheep of the Metroid family because of the inability to skip parts of the game. Also, no one likes being forced to talk with a computer that runs on Windows Tightass. Still, if you can ignore the departures from Metroid standards, Metroid Fusion is one nice-looking sheep.
Metroid Fusion begins with the bounty hunter Samus Aran escorting two other armored dopes into a planet called SR388. There, they encounter a glob of Flubber that attacks Samus due to his hatred of any movie Robin Williams stars in. Known as the X, the little bugger infects Samus and causes him to lose consciousness while flying his ship. As a result, the ship spirals into an asteroid belt and crashes.
Huh. That was fast, especially for a game that cost 30 bucks. Oh, well, I guess that just means I get to leave early today. Thanks for reading!
???: Hold it! This review isn’t over yet!
It’s a pair of breasts! My boss must’ve finally gotten around to paying me!
*SMACK!*
Whoops! Sorry. Who are you?
???: I’m Samus Aran.
Justin: Get out of here! Samus is totally a guy’s name and you are very clearly not a guy.
Samus: Well, I guess just you’re going to have to deal with it, aren’t you?
Justin: Okay, you drive a hard bargain. Just let me touch them and you can stay.
Samus: Look, I came to tell you that there’s more to the game than just me crashing my ship into an asteroid belt.
Justin: Don’t tell me there’s an actual GAME in this cartridge!
Samus: Mmmhmm. See, even though my ship crashed, it managed to eject me before the collision. I was rescued by the Galactic Federation, and they discovered that the X had already infected my body. My suit protected me from a lot of the damage, but they still had to surgically remove it from me. The results were…not so good.
Justin: Stop, stop! I can’t bear to look at it anymore! It’s blinding me with science!
Samus: And rather than letting me rest after my near-death experience, the Federation sent me over to the Biologic Space Labs spacestation to investigate a problem. Turns out the whole station’s crawling with X.
Justin: So I assume you set the whole station to self-destruct upon discovering this.
Samus: No! Though it’s a pretty good idea, when you think about it…
Justin: I also understand that to aid you in your mission, they gave you a virtual babysitter that told you where to go and to make sure to look both ways before crossing the street, right?
Look at this thing. It’s so formal that running Linux on it would give it a heart attack. You can’t tell me what to do, computer! You hear? I may only use ten percent of my brain but at least I can eat cheesecake! What do you have to say to THAT?
Samus: The main problem is that the space station is designed to recreate various enviroments in different sectors. There’s a tropic sector, a cave sector…there’s even a sector with lava.
Justin: Wouldn’t that burn through the space station or something?
Samus: I guess they figured out a way to prevent that.
Justin: Must’ve used a lot of asbestos.
Samus: Anyway, each of these sections have creatures possessed by the X. Since I was cured using a vaccine created with a cellular sample of a Metroid, I can now absorb the X and use them to replenish my health and weapons.
Justin: Quick! Get the red ones! They cure cancer!
Shoot! It got away. Great job, Samus.
Samus: I don’t think those can cure cancer.
Justin: And now we’ll never know because YOU refused to take action. Tsk tsk. For shame.
*SMACK!*
Samus: Anyway, besides the small X, there are bigger X that possess even larger creatures. Absorbing their X grants me some of the powers I used to have.
Justin: Like COMPASSION for your FELLOW MAN? Please don’t hit me.
Samus: I’m warning you…
Justin: R-Right! Anything else you’d like to tell us about the game, Samus?
Samus: Well, it’s definitely more plot-driven this time around, but it’s not really so bad. Sure, you lose the ability to skip parts of the game, and that can be bad if you’re really into that part of Metroid, but still, you get to learn a bit more about me, about my past, and that there’s something even more dangerous than the X on board. Something that could spell doom for the entire galaxy. As for what that is…well, you’re going to have to play the game for yourself.
Justin: I’m sure it’s a fine ride. Anyway, thanks for taking time our of your busty schedule to speak with us, Samus. And readers, be sure to give Metroid Fusion a try!
Samus: …did you say “busty schedule”?
Justin: What? Oh ho ho! No! No no no no no, I said…I said, um…uh…
Are you sure I can’t touch your boobs?
*SMACK!*
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Hehe, funny
I remember getting Metroid fusion just to unlock the extra stuff in metroid prime and I ended up loving the game. Then it broke, and I was sad
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Matt Willard Reply:
May 26th, 2009 at 5:51 AM
Just buy a new version. It’s like replacing your dog, if the old one died right in front of your children.
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lol
Awesome!
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