Giant Robot Invasion!

-Written by Badass “Chump Destroyer” McKenzie

This is how America got Yu-Gi-Oh: Dark Duel Stories:

One day this Japanese dude was all, “check it, I’m gonna draw somethin’ hardcore,” and when he did that, BOOM! Yu-Gi-Oh came out and did a Godzilla scream that melted everyone’s faces off in a hundred mile radius. Japan tried to shoot it down but it didn’t work, and they were all, “Who’s RADICAL enough to destroy this thing?” SUDDENLY: AMERICA. Twenty four hundred American fighter jets came in out of nowhere and they started shooting Yu-Gi-Oh too.

But then a scientist was all, “It’s not gonna work, it’s only vulnerable to implosions!” so Captain Henry Washington Reagan Ford starts flying toward the monster’s mouth, and his son was all, “No, dad, you haven’t taught me how to lift cars yet!” but the Captain just says, “I’ll teach you when you visit VALHALLA,” and he flies right into Yu-Gi-Oh’s mouth and self-destructs. Yu-Gi-Oh explodes into a million pieces because he can handle any kind of explosion except American explosions, which is like a hundred normal explosions all in one, and when he blew up, the fallout was so intense that everyone grow mohawks.

EPILOGUE: Yu-Gi-Oh was made out of trading cards and video games, so when the Japanese saw that, they were all, “Here, sell these to get gas money for your monster trucks,” and that’s why we’re allowed to play this now.

Today’s Story: BADASS DESTROYS CHUMPS

Here’s the scoop-five duelists per round. Objective: beat some chumps into floor paste. How do you do it? A deck full of monsters ready to take a bite out of butt. Oh, no, here comes a giant dragon! CHOMP! Now you’re just a pair of legs. Where’s the rest of you? DIGESTION STATION. That’s what you get for challenging me. And when the other guy loses, this hot chick comes up to you and gives you free cards. Nothin’ like a smokin’ hot glass of babe after victory. But it ain’t over yet-you also get card parts to make your own monsters with. Splice a warrior and a tank together-BAM! Who wants to mess with Frankenstein’s BADASS? Answer-FOOLISH CHUMPS.

“It doesn’t get any better than this!” INCORRECTAMUNDO. Yu-Gi-Oh: Dark Duel Stories lets you enter the passwords on your trading cards into the game. Result? MORE POWER. Who doesn’t want more power? This ain’t for chumps. You a chump? No? PROVE IT, CHUMP. Get cards, get codes, get game, MURDER OTHER CHUMPS. Trial by EXPLOSION-can you handle it?

CHUMPS! THE WHOLE LOT OF YOU!

But don’t get wise. You can’t just load up a bunch of awesome cards and go to town. Dark Duel Stories has an anti-chump system to stop chumps like you from getting too fresh of yourselves. Ears at the ready-each card you put in your deck costs points, and if you go over your point limit, you don’t get to duel. NOW SERVING: FAILURE. How do you increase the limit? Duel like there’s no tomorrow, because for chumps, THERE WON’T BE A TOMORROW. Dead man walking = YOU, unless you get your ass in gear.

After you chumpify every duelist five times, here comes another stage. Rinse and repeat. BAM! BAM! BAM! Everyone gets the chump treatment. You gotta keep clearing stages and getting cards. It’s like a ritual-beat chumps, get cards, improve deck, UNLEASH THE MURDERSTORM. And at the end, OH HOLY MOTHER OF CRAP. You get to the final stage, with duelists made out of Kryptonite with decks that’ll make your brain leak out your ears and explode like fireworks. Man up, chump. You’ve made it this far, you gonna quit now? You’re gonna let my chainsaw down right through your SPINE if you quit now. Prove your metalcality! Are you metal? Are you VIBRANIUM? Shut up. I’m vibranium. You can be anything else, but I’m Captain America’s shield. NON-CHUMPS ONLY.

Go for the kill, Hideous Duck Monster! Be METAL and EARN YOUR DINNER!

THE FINAL VERDICT:

INCOMING TELEGRAM: ROCK SOLID. Yu-Gi-Oh: Dark Duel Stories will make your Game Boy Color grow chest hair, and so will you, even if you’re a super hot chick. It’s MAN HAIR and you’d better appreciate it. What do we call losers who hate free chest hair? ANSWER: SWEATY, UGLY CHUMPS. Do yourself a favor and accept what works.

RATING:

“I’LL BE WATCHING.”

(Yu-Gi-Oh created by Kazuki Takahashi. Yu-Gi-Oh: Dark Duel Stories copyrighted by Konami.)

You thought I was done covering the Power Rangers public service announcements? Oh, no. We’re about to dive into the rabbit hole again and look at three more awful PSAs that deserve our scorn. I just hope you learn something from these. God knows I can’t teach you. TV raised me just fine, and now it can raise you. You can tell everyone at school that your grandfather’s name is Magnavox.

#1: DON’T TAKE NO SASS FROM NO PUNK ASS BEATNIK

This one is so strange that now I think it’s some sort of bizarre parody. Normally, when you think of bullying, you think of jocks making fun of people for looking and acting different. You know the victims-nerds, geeks, or people who just look funny. I’m glad that most people outgrow that phase. Otherwise, meeting someone’s grandparents could get awkward. “Ha ha! You got diabetes! I guess I’ll have to eat this chocolate cake all by myself. MMMM, IT’S SO GOOD.”

But, you know, it’s really something else when the usual target of peer abuse is the one doing the insulting.

(Yes, these images are from videos on Blast in the Past TV…which were then downloaded and posted on YouTube by other people.)

I apologize for the blurry picture-it’s the best I could find. Still, it proves my point. For this PSA, they didn’t use your normal bully stereotype to deliver the harshness. Nope. Instead, the “bully” is a waif-like boy wearing kalediscope patterns and thick glasses, topping off his incredibly stupid outfit with the largest beret I have ever seen. Actually, I think I’ve seen someone wearing a ridiculous outfit like this once. He was standing next to a diplomat and the assassin shot him first.

We see this boy saunter around the local juice bar and make fun of people. First he mocks a girl for using her napkin a certain way, and after that, he tells off a boy by saying his laugh sounds like a hyena. Hell, he even makes fun of the barkeeper’s shirt, saying that his dad used to wear a shirt like that “before he got a job”. That’s right. And if his dad takes off his shirt at work, girls stuff $20s down his belt.

Now, let’s be honest here. If a snot-nosed kid like this walked up and made fun of you, would you take him seriously? You’re probably like, “no, but my FIST will”. Exactly. You’d either beat the crap out of him or make fun of his obvious lack of fashion sense. Here’s a ProTip-if you’re gonna insult someone, then make sure you don’t look like a complete twit before doing so, okay?

After unloading this barrage of lame insults, the kid (named NORM, of all things) is confronted by Jason and Kimberly. They ask him why he’s giving everyone shit, which is a really good question considering how stupid he looks, and Norm replies that everyone else is “so uncool”. Look, you don’t have the right to insult someone just because they don’t follow the latest fashion trends. That’s like if I shoot you and make fun of how you bleed.

Kimberly asks Norm if he really wants everyone to look like him, and Norm figures that everyone should be so lucky. Okay, quit laughing for a minute, I need to ask you something. You might have already guessed that the whole point of the PSA is to teach you to respect others for their differences. A noble cause, to be sure. But riddle me this-now that you know what the PSA is about, what is the most logical way to show Norm the error of his ways in about…oh, thirty seconds?

Exactly! You scare the shit out of him.

A voice suddenly announces, “Welcome to Norm’s, where everyone is a Norm.” Norm turns around and finds that everyone in the bar is suddenly dressed like him, and the most galactic mind rape ensues when they begin laughing maniacally, backing Norm into a corner where Jason and Kimberly toss clothes into his face until he screams. However, before Norm can succumb to total madness, the nightmare ends, and he finds himself back in the normal realm. Those few seconds of utter, confusing hell are enough to change Norm’s outlook on life, and he figures, “I guess people kinda…need to be different, huh?”

Okay, what the hell did I just watch? It’s hard to communicate the full effect with just text, but seriously. Mind rape is NOT a good way to teach someone a life lesson. I know you only had thirty seconds to tie up the moral, but was there no other way to get the message across? This isn’t going to teach Norm to respect others, it’s just going to make him afraid of clothing. Now he’ll start running around nude, and strippers will think he’s an excited intern.

#2: TELEVISION BULLIES ALWAYS SUCK AT BEING BULLIES

It’s another day at the local juice bar. (Is it just me, or do all of these PSAs take place here?) A boy named Kevin prowls through the crowd with his friend. Kevin pushes a boy aside, and some unseen narrator confirms what we already figured out-Kevin is a bully, and he’s always looking for trouble. But Kevin is a special kind of bully. He doesn’t just shove extras around, oh, no. He’s such a douchebag that he actually distracts a random stranger long enough so he can swipe her hot dog.

What kind of bully goes around and steals food from complete strangers? And doesn’t that hot dog have her germs all over it or something? What’s he going to do with it? Has he even thought this far ahead? Then again, it’s not like I’m willing to credit a bully for having actual intelligence. I just always assumed they were like ameobas-they divide and beat up weaker cells, then someone injects them with red dye so eighth-graders can point them out under a microscope.

Well, it turns out Kevin didn’t need to think out his plan, because the hot dog immediately vanishes and the stranger never notices that her lunch has disappeared. Why did you even have Kevin steal the hot dog if nothing happens as a result? I don’t know. In any case, Kevin nods to his companion for a successful act of douchery. As they celebrate, Kevin accidentally bumps into another boy named Danny, spilling the milk he was drinking all over his face.

Danny looks pretty mad as he mops up the mess. Figuring that the big, tough Danny is about to throttle him, Kevin raises his girly fists into a pitiful fighting stance. But the narrator kicks in again, explaining that Danny doesn’t have anything to prove, and he knows that fighting doesn’t solve anything. Danny just apologizes and walks away, leaving Kevin to sit down and heave a sigh of relief. Oh, you sure proved your manliness, Kev. Hell, I’m manlier than you right now, and I lose fights against punching bags.

Over in a corner, Rocky and Adam (replacing the original Red Ranger and Black Ranger, respectively) points out that most things aren’t worth fighting over, especially spilled milk. And they’re right, of course. It’s just milk or it’s just Christianity, so what’s the point?

Besides, we all know that Danny would’ve whooped that white boy’s ass in twenty seconds flat.

#3: YOU TOOK OUR BALL SO PREPARE TO GET IRRITATED YOU CUR

This is a personal favorite of mine, and once again, it takes place in the juice bar. (Apparently it’s located inside the high school the Power Rangers attend. This is how you know the show is fictional-no high school I’ve ever been to has enough money for a seperate juice bar.) Two boys and a girl toss a ball around when one of the boys hits it into the hallway. As the girl goes to fetch it, she spots another boy named Barry walk out of the same hallway, holding “their” ball! The girl tries to get it back, but Barry claims that it’s his ball and walks off.

At this point you’d think that these kids would do something reasonable like complain to an adult, or maybe start calling Barry childish insults like “fag”. But these are PSA children-there’s only one thing they can do!

That’s right. These kids decide that the best course of action is to put on Power Rangers masks and start punching the air around the ball-stealer. This would be a good plan, except for the fact that you need to connect with your fist if you want to hit someone. It’s like they’re in a make-believe kickboxing class. “If you don’t give us our ball, we’ll burn all these calories, I swear to God!”

The Blue Ranger and Pink Ranger soon beam in to stop this nonsense. One of the boys claims that they were just doing what the Power Rangers would do, but the Blue Ranger cuts that noise by explaining that this is real life, not monsters being fought on TV. He’s right, of course-on TV they actually try to hit each other.

The girl still protests that Barry took their ball, but the Pink Ranger walks in with another ball just like the one Barry has. Ah ha, so both kids have the exact same kind of ball! See, this is why schools should mark their balls to prevent this kind of mixup from happening. My school kept track of kickballs by tying them to cinder blocks. Every time you shot a basket, you’d knock out your pointman. You were winning if you could remember how old you were.

As Barry walks off, the girl stops him and apologizes for ganging up on him. Oh, yeah, because I’m sure punching the air really ruined his day. Barry just says that it’s cool, and all the kids run off to play together. Ah, well. At least everything worked out well. You know, it’s times like this that I wish a Power Ranger came along and solved all of my childhood problems. It’d be fine just as long as he didn’t try to solve my adolescent problems, too.
“Have you considered using your words to settle your bully problems?”
“We have been using words. It’s just that his words injure my self-worth.”

>>>>> CLICK HERE TO READ PART ONE! <<<<<

When we last left the Bear Scouts, they had just discovered that local con-man Ralph Ripoff is organizing a rock rally for his employers, Moose Tobacco. This is bad news, because the scouts originally hoped that Ralph would help them organize a health rally that Beartown Hospital was planning. What’s worse is that both rallies are scheduled for the same weekend. At least they’ll both be held up by the third rally taking place that day, the 3rd Annual Mug-A-Thon. (I took my son last year. He was pretty familiar with it-that’s where I first got him.)

Brother realizes that the health rally won’t survive a head-to-head clash with Moose Tobacco, unless his plan to screw with the enemy worked. He returns to the Too-Tall Gang clubhouse and finds Too-Tall outside shooting free throws.

Judging by the hat, I think Too-Tall is stuck in the 30s. The only way to get someone out of the 30s is to expose him to something from modern times. That’s why I plan to expose Too-Tall to the front end of a Mercedes.

Too-Tall is mad that Brother skipped out of the initiation, but decides to play hoops with him anyway. After the rest of the gang appears, Too-Tall says that they’ll play half-court, but Brother pushes him into a full-court game instead. They play a hard fought match, running up and down until the gang collapses and begins gasping for breath. Personally, I like to save my breath. In about 20 years, I’ll have enough air to stay underwater for a week.

Brother rubs his victory in, telling the gang that they should play something that takes less wind like tic-tac-toe. This royally snaps Too-Tall’s chain-he claims that his gang could beat the Bear Scouts at anything, anytime. Brother remarks that it sounds like a challenge to a duel, and that he’ll think it over. If I ever get challenged to a duel, I’m going to pick Guess Who as my weapon. My opponents usually give up after I ask if their card is Jewish.

After Brother returns to the scouts, they trek back to the hospital where they can spot workers setting up for the rallies. The scouts meet up with Dr. Gert and Scout Leader Jane, as well as a character named Miss Stickler. They already know the scoop-Moose Tobacco’s rock rally is going to be held across the road at the old drive-in theater, and looks like it’s going to draw a lot of attention. Fortunately, I think we can get the newspaper to cover the health rally. We just need fifty fat guys who like walking around without clothes on.

Brother has an idea on how to make their rally more kickass, but before he can spill, Scout Leader Jane notices something outside. Everyone rushes to a window as a massive cover is pulled off the drive-in’s movie screen, revealing the full scope of Project X for the first time!

…a billboard that blows smoke rings? THAT’S it? THAT’S your big Project X? How is a billboard with a moose on it going to get kids to think smoking is cool? You know, I never understood the appeal of a smoking mascot to begin with. It’s obvious that the moose is a parody of Joe Camel, but was Joe Camel even all that successful to begin with? When would kids ever think that a smoking camel is cool? I think it’d be more effective if the velociraptors in Jurassic Park killed people and took their Marlboros.

But here’s my problem. The book makes a HUGE deal about Project X. It’s mentioned a few times earlier on, but otherwise it’s wrapped in secrecy until the big reveal. But I have to ask-why did you go through such lengths to conceal Project X when the damn thing is CLEARLY SHOWN ON THE COVER?

SUBTLETY!

The billboard doesn’t surprise our heroes for long. They immediately launch a plan to transform the health rally into a dynamic force. Dr. Gert decides that they’ll need awesome prizes to counter what the rock rally is giving out, but since the hospital is low on money, she has to hit up people for donations. I like how Moose Tobacco has way more money than a freaking HOSPITAL. Maybe if the hospital sold more health insurance, they wouldn’t have to rely so much on donations. I’m sorry I haven’t purchased any-I don’t usually make it a point to jaywalk during lunch hour.

But Miss Stickler is on her own agenda. Since she can’t count on the air quality control board to stop Project X, she figures she has to take matters into her own hands. How? By trying to hack into the computer that controls the billboard, of course.

In the black hat community, she’s known as GhostfaceHackah700.

Fortunately, the health rally (redubbed “Healthorama!”) starts two hours ahead of its competition. As the rock rally’s scheduled time draws near, the scouts figure that maybe there’s nothing to worry about-no one even bothered to show up. However, their hopes are immediately ANNIHILATED when Ralph makes a grand entrance, complete with a brass band, the Too-Tall gang riding on a float, and-here’s the kicker-a guy on stilts smoking a three-foot-long cigarette.

Ha ha ha, what the hell? I want one of these guys.

Of course, Dr. Gert chucks us back into reality by saying, “It’s the Pied Piper all over again. Only this time he’s leading cubs to the death and disease caused by smoking.” You know, I don’t think you’re hammering the message in hard enough. I swear, kids would get the picture if they just read my new book: If You Smoke, I Am Waiting Inside This Book To Punch You.

This amazing entrance is enough to draw practically every single cub in Beartown over to the rock rally, even the cubs attending Healthorama. It makes sense, really. Most children wouldn’t consider a health rally to be exciting. It’s something their parents would take them to in some hope that their kids would get something out of it.

But you know kids never like these things. If adults took more time to communicate with their children, some of these mistakes could be easily avoided. “Hold on, you haven’t eaten in a week? Oh, man, I didn’t know. I was wondering why you kept stealing my BLTs.”

But Brother has one last effort to turn the day in his favor. He gets on a platform and uses the loudspeaker system to call out the Too-Tall Gang. Since the gang challenged the scouts to a duel, Brother says that they accept. Their weapon of choice? A relay race, pitting the four “Breath-Of-Life Bear Scouts” against the “smoking, choking Too-Tall Gang”. OH, SNAP! This juvenile taunt winds Too-Tall into a righteous fury. He accepts the challenge, and his crew charges over to Healthorama for what will no doubt be the most epic of

-and it’s already over, isn’t it.

ProTip: You kinda have to be in good shape to win a relay race, and since Too-Tall and his gang inhale cigarette smoke like popcorn, their lungs clearly aren’t up to task. This victory is so astounding that all of the cubs toss away their Moose Tobacco prizes in exchange for Healtorama’s swag. But the fun isn’t over yet-to Ralph Ripoff’s horror, his beloved Project X stops blowing smoke rings and instead blows out letters, slowly spelling out “SMOKING KILLS”. Ralph climbs up behind the machinery to stop it, but only gets a gust of black smoke in his face for the trouble.

When asked about the sudden change, Miss Stickler simply expands on what she said earlier: “Any computer that can be programmed can be deprogrammed. And reprogrammed.” You know, for someone who’s so anal about air quality, the fact that Miss Stickler actually hacked into a billboard earns her my respect. I think she should pass this knowledge onto underprivileged inner-city kids. It’ll be like that movie Stand and Deliver, except near the end, they empty the bank accounts of retired veterans.

In any case, this dose of no-smoking power is enough to cancel the rock rally and keep Healthorama running for the entire weekend, supported by the outright sabotage that our heroes have committed. The scouts get a merit badge for public health, and to celebrate their victory, they get an unofficial badge as well.

Um…the Bitchin’ Tattoo Merit Badge?

So did I learn anything about smoking? You betcha. I learned that no one ever shuts up about it. Throughout this whole book, the moral gets crammed down our throats, carried along by characters who either harp on smoking or act like mustache-twirling assholes. Do you really think kids want to get nagged like this? Of course not. They’re people too and they don’t deserve to be patronized. If you treat them with respect, they’ll be more open to what experienced adults have to say. After all, when a teenager starts drinking, he might as well learn how from someone who’s been doing it all his life.

The Berenstain Bears and I have a small history together. I’ve only read a few of their books, but there’s one particular Berenstain Bears book that stands out to me the most. I think I first got this book in fifth grade. It’s definitely not geared to a fifth grade reading level-it’s one of those easy novels you give kids when they want to move past picture books and aren’t clever enough to hide the books with sex scenes from you yet.

From what I can tell, this was part of some national effort to raise awareness about smoking. The idea that these books exist across the United States is bad enough, but you can imagine my surprise when I discovered that my young cousin had this book in her room. Are they still giving this out to students? I swear, it’ll be making the rounds even when we’re living in space and getting high on marijuana in a tube.

But enough talk. It’s time to raise the nostalgia shields and take a fresh look at The Berenstain Bear Scouts and the Sinister Smoke Ring.

It’s too bad this book isn’t called The Berenstain Bear Scouts and the Mondo Onion Ring That Could Feed Four.

The story begins with three Bear Scouts out of four-Lizzy, Fred, and Sister. Yes, one of the bears is named Sister. What’s the name of her brother? You guessed it-Brother. It’s bad enough that everyone’s last name is something like “Bear” or “Bruin”, but come on. Brother and Sister? It makes no sense. Why are these two particular bears called Brother and Sister? I think that would just be confusing. Do they have to use nametags whenever Sister enters a convent?

In any case, Sister is worried about her brother. Recently he’s developed a mean streak that reminds Sister of someone she knows. Before she can figure out who, the scouts hear a commotion and decide to investigate, finding a group of protestors swarming around a patch of tobacco handled by a local farmer.

Of course, the book never explains why the protestors decided to attack this single, tiny patch of tobacco, but does it really matter? Any good cause is worth fighting for. You DARE forget my sauce, Taco Bell? Until I get an apology for this error, I will never eat anything from your restaurant again. From now on, I’m choking my arteries at Wendy’s.

Police bears soon arrive to handle the situation. After the protestors leave, Sister confides in the other two scouts. Brother’s recent attitude, this mention of tobacco…there’s no doubt about it. Brother’s been hanging out with the notorious Too-Tall Gang!

To Yogi Bear, “nothin’ but basket” is a prayer.

This is clearly a job for old people, so the scouts rush to find Gramps Bear and tell him all about their problem. Gramps thinks up a quick plan and figures that he’d better get a move on if he’s to “accidentally” run into Brother. That’s the cool thing about grandfathers in books and movies-they always know how to solve any problem their grandchildren may have.
“Billy, what’s the matter?”
“Aliens are invading Earth, Grandpa.”
“Come on, let’s get some ice cream. We’ll talk about it on the way.”

Meanwhile, Brother leaves the Too-Tall Gang’s clubhouse. It’s only temporary, though-he has to return later to start his initiation. It’s the kind of initiation you’d expect for a gang of jerks-steal car parts, set off stink bombs, and (unsurprisingly) smoke ten cigarettes in less than an hour. Aren’t these guys in fifth grade or something? Where the hell did they get cigarettes from?

What’s sad is that Too-Tall wouldn’t even be smoking now if his father gave him the love and support he needed. But Too-Tall never even sees his father. They always need him over at the tobacco company.

So Brother “accidentally” runs into Gramps, and Gramps drives Brother home while unloading a story about how awesome his old gang was. He asks if Brother wants to visit some of his old gang-member friends. Brother agrees, but the joke’s on him-Gramps actually takes him to a cemetery.

Here lies James Brown Bear. He doesn’t feel good any more.

Brother finds out that Gramps’ old friends actually died from lung cancer, and Gramps figures that half of the graveyard were filled by cigarettes. Look, a lecture isn’t going to change his mind, Gramps. If you want to point someone’s life in a certain direction, you need an emotional frame of reference. Do it like Batman did-shoot his parents, then tell him that cigarettes pulled the trigger.

Since Brother needs to meet up with the other scouts for their scout meeting, Gramps drops him off at Beartown Hospital. They all go inside and meet up with Scout Leader Jane and her friend, Dr. Gert. (Is a Gert another form of bear? It sounds like a monster Mario would step on.)

Dr. Gert takes the scouts through her “Horrors of Smoking” exhibit. She plans to show it at the health rally she’s organizing in order to dissuade young bears from smoking. Of course, Dr. Gert’s ideas for the rally are extremely frumpy and boring, so they need to figure out how to kick things up if they want their message to stand out. The scouts decide that only one bear could make a health rally seem exciting-Ralph Ripoff.

Okay. Stop right here. You know that this is a world where everyone’s name reflects their main trait. Too-Tall is tall, Brother and Sister are related, so on and so forth. Do you really think that doing business with someone named Ralph Ripoff won’t backfire at all?

I mean, would have anyone done business with Hitler if they knew his name was going to be synonymous with ultimate evil? “Mr. Hitler, I’m sorry, but it’s corporate policy to shoot you if you ever apply for insurance.”

The scouts go up to Ralph’s houseboat, and since he’s not there, it’s the perfect opportunity to poke through his stuff. They flip through a presentation book in the corner and discover a shocking truth-it turns out Ralph is actually working for the biggest producer of cigarettes in town, Moose Tobacco! His plan? To revise Moose Tobacco’s image and make young cubs think that smoking is hip and cool! Although the scouts could’ve figured that out by the new slogan-”Lung Cancer: It’s The New Black!”

Bears like eating moose, right? What better way to sell cigarettes than to show a weaker animal’s dependence on them?

Before the scouts can figure out what to do, Ralph comes back to the houseboat and offers them four free tickets to the Moose Tobacco rock rally he’s planning. To make things worse, the rock rally’s being held on the same day of the health rally! Ralph also mentions a certain “Project X”, an attraction so righteous that he dubs it The Eighth Wonder of the World. You know, it’s pretty arrogant to assume your creation’s the Eighth Wonder of the World. I mean, we got cocky when we made the atomic bomb, but you know how guys like to top each other.

Now the scouts are in trouble. Can they jazz up the health rally in time to meet Moose Tobacco’s rally head-on? What is the mysterious Project X, and will it end up creating little girls with superpowers? Whatever happens, it’s so epic that it can’t be contained in one post! Make sure to tune in next week for the exciting conclusion!

Until then…smoke if you got ‘em.

>>>>> CLICK HERE TO READ PART TWO! <<<<<