Even MORE Messages From The Power Rangers
You thought I was done covering the Power Rangers public service announcements? Oh, no. We’re about to dive into the rabbit hole again and look at three more awful PSAs that deserve our scorn. I just hope you learn something from these. God knows I can’t teach you. TV raised me just fine, and now it can raise you. You can tell everyone at school that your grandfather’s name is Magnavox.
This one is so strange that now I think it’s some sort of bizarre parody. Normally, when you think of bullying, you think of jocks making fun of people for looking and acting different. You know the victims-nerds, geeks, or people who just look funny. I’m glad that most people outgrow that phase. Otherwise, meeting someone’s grandparents could get awkward. “Ha ha! You got diabetes! I guess I’ll have to eat this chocolate cake all by myself. MMMM, IT’S SO GOOD.”
But, you know, it’s really something else when the usual target of peer abuse is the one doing the insulting.
I apologize for the blurry picture-it’s the best I could find. Still, it proves my point. For this PSA, they didn’t use your normal bully stereotype to deliver the harshness. Nope. Instead, the “bully” is a waif-like boy wearing kalediscope patterns and thick glasses, topping off his incredibly stupid outfit with the largest beret I have ever seen. Actually, I think I’ve seen someone wearing a ridiculous outfit like this once. He was standing next to a diplomat and the assassin shot him first.
We see this boy saunter around the local juice bar and make fun of people. First he mocks a girl for using her napkin a certain way, and after that, he tells off a boy by saying his laugh sounds like a hyena. Hell, he even makes fun of the barkeeper’s shirt, saying that his dad used to wear a shirt like that “before he got a job”. That’s right. And if his dad takes off his shirt at work, girls stuff $20s down his belt.
Now, let’s be honest here. If a snot-nosed kid like this walked up and made fun of you, would you take him seriously? You’re probably like, “no, but my FIST will”. Exactly. You’d either beat the crap out of him or make fun of his obvious lack of fashion sense. Here’s a ProTip-if you’re gonna insult someone, then make sure you don’t look like a complete twit before doing so, okay?
After unloading this barrage of lame insults, the kid (named NORM, of all things) is confronted by Jason and Kimberly. They ask him why he’s giving everyone shit, which is a really good question considering how stupid he looks, and Norm replies that everyone else is “so uncool”. Look, you don’t have the right to insult someone just because they don’t follow the latest fashion trends. That’s like if I shoot you and make fun of how you bleed.
Kimberly asks Norm if he really wants everyone to look like him, and Norm figures that everyone should be so lucky. Okay, quit laughing for a minute, I need to ask you something. You might have already guessed that the whole point of the PSA is to teach you to respect others for their differences. A noble cause, to be sure. But riddle me this-now that you know what the PSA is about, what is the most logical way to show Norm the error of his ways in about…oh, thirty seconds?
Exactly! You scare the shit out of him.
A voice suddenly announces, “Welcome to Norm’s, where everyone is a Norm.” Norm turns around and finds that everyone in the bar is suddenly dressed like him, and the most galactic mind rape ensues when they begin laughing maniacally, backing Norm into a corner where Jason and Kimberly toss clothes into his face until he screams. However, before Norm can succumb to total madness, the nightmare ends, and he finds himself back in the normal realm. Those few seconds of utter, confusing hell are enough to change Norm’s outlook on life, and he figures, “I guess people kinda…need to be different, huh?”
Okay, what the hell did I just watch? It’s hard to communicate the full effect with just text, but seriously. Mind rape is NOT a good way to teach someone a life lesson. I know you only had thirty seconds to tie up the moral, but was there no other way to get the message across? This isn’t going to teach Norm to respect others, it’s just going to make him afraid of clothing. Now he’ll start running around nude, and strippers will think he’s an excited intern.
It’s another day at the local juice bar. (Is it just me, or do all of these PSAs take place here?) A boy named Kevin prowls through the crowd with his friend. Kevin pushes a boy aside, and some unseen narrator confirms what we already figured out-Kevin is a bully, and he’s always looking for trouble. But Kevin is a special kind of bully. He doesn’t just shove extras around, oh, no. He’s such a douchebag that he actually distracts a random stranger long enough so he can swipe her hot dog.
What kind of bully goes around and steals food from complete strangers? And doesn’t that hot dog have her germs all over it or something? What’s he going to do with it? Has he even thought this far ahead? Then again, it’s not like I’m willing to credit a bully for having actual intelligence. I just always assumed they were like ameobas-they divide and beat up weaker cells, then someone injects them with red dye so eighth-graders can point them out under a microscope.
Well, it turns out Kevin didn’t need to think out his plan, because the hot dog immediately vanishes and the stranger never notices that her lunch has disappeared. Why did you even have Kevin steal the hot dog if nothing happens as a result? I don’t know. In any case, Kevin nods to his companion for a successful act of douchery. As they celebrate, Kevin accidentally bumps into another boy named Danny, spilling the milk he was drinking all over his face.
Danny looks pretty mad as he mops up the mess. Figuring that the big, tough Danny is about to throttle him, Kevin raises his girly fists into a pitiful fighting stance. But the narrator kicks in again, explaining that Danny doesn’t have anything to prove, and he knows that fighting doesn’t solve anything. Danny just apologizes and walks away, leaving Kevin to sit down and heave a sigh of relief. Oh, you sure proved your manliness, Kev. Hell, I’m manlier than you right now, and I lose fights against punching bags.
Over in a corner, Rocky and Adam (replacing the original Red Ranger and Black Ranger, respectively) points out that most things aren’t worth fighting over, especially spilled milk. And they’re right, of course. It’s just milk or it’s just Christianity, so what’s the point?
Besides, we all know that Danny would’ve whooped that white boy’s ass in twenty seconds flat.
This is a personal favorite of mine, and once again, it takes place in the juice bar. (Apparently it’s located inside the high school the Power Rangers attend. This is how you know the show is fictional-no high school I’ve ever been to has enough money for a seperate juice bar.) Two boys and a girl toss a ball around when one of the boys hits it into the hallway. As the girl goes to fetch it, she spots another boy named Barry walk out of the same hallway, holding “their” ball! The girl tries to get it back, but Barry claims that it’s his ball and walks off.
At this point you’d think that these kids would do something reasonable like complain to an adult, or maybe start calling Barry childish insults like “fag”. But these are PSA children-there’s only one thing they can do!
That’s right. These kids decide that the best course of action is to put on Power Rangers masks and start punching the air around the ball-stealer. This would be a good plan, except for the fact that you need to connect with your fist if you want to hit someone. It’s like they’re in a make-believe kickboxing class. “If you don’t give us our ball, we’ll burn all these calories, I swear to God!”
The Blue Ranger and Pink Ranger soon beam in to stop this nonsense. One of the boys claims that they were just doing what the Power Rangers would do, but the Blue Ranger cuts that noise by explaining that this is real life, not monsters being fought on TV. He’s right, of course-on TV they actually try to hit each other.
The girl still protests that Barry took their ball, but the Pink Ranger walks in with another ball just like the one Barry has. Ah ha, so both kids have the exact same kind of ball! See, this is why schools should mark their balls to prevent this kind of mixup from happening. My school kept track of kickballs by tying them to cinder blocks. Every time you shot a basket, you’d knock out your pointman. You were winning if you could remember how old you were.
As Barry walks off, the girl stops him and apologizes for ganging up on him. Oh, yeah, because I’m sure punching the air really ruined his day. Barry just says that it’s cool, and all the kids run off to play together. Ah, well. At least everything worked out well. You know, it’s times like this that I wish a Power Ranger came along and solved all of my childhood problems. It’d be fine just as long as he didn’t try to solve my adolescent problems, too.
“Have you considered using your words to settle your bully problems?”
“We have been using words. It’s just that his words injure my self-worth.”
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Pretty good post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say
that I have really enjoyed reading your blog posts. In any case
I’ll be subscribing to your feed and I hope you write again soon!
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Matt Willard Reply:
June 24th, 2009 at 12:09 PM
Will do!
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