The Berenstain Bear Scouts and the Sinister Smoke Ring, Part One
The Berenstain Bears and I have a small history together. I’ve only read a few of their books, but there’s one particular Berenstain Bears book that stands out to me the most. I think I first got this book in fifth grade. It’s definitely not geared to a fifth grade reading level-it’s one of those easy novels you give kids when they want to move past picture books and aren’t clever enough to hide the books with sex scenes from you yet.
From what I can tell, this was part of some national effort to raise awareness about smoking. The idea that these books exist across the United States is bad enough, but you can imagine my surprise when I discovered that my young cousin had this book in her room. Are they still giving this out to students? I swear, it’ll be making the rounds even when we’re living in space and getting high on marijuana in a tube.
But enough talk. It’s time to raise the nostalgia shields and take a fresh look at The Berenstain Bear Scouts and the Sinister Smoke Ring.
The story begins with three Bear Scouts out of four-Lizzy, Fred, and Sister. Yes, one of the bears is named Sister. What’s the name of her brother? You guessed it-Brother. It’s bad enough that everyone’s last name is something like “Bear” or “Bruin”, but come on. Brother and Sister? It makes no sense. Why are these two particular bears called Brother and Sister? I think that would just be confusing. Do they have to use nametags whenever Sister enters a convent?
In any case, Sister is worried about her brother. Recently he’s developed a mean streak that reminds Sister of someone she knows. Before she can figure out who, the scouts hear a commotion and decide to investigate, finding a group of protestors swarming around a patch of tobacco handled by a local farmer.
Of course, the book never explains why the protestors decided to attack this single, tiny patch of tobacco, but does it really matter? Any good cause is worth fighting for. You DARE forget my sauce, Taco Bell? Until I get an apology for this error, I will never eat anything from your restaurant again. From now on, I’m choking my arteries at Wendy’s.
Police bears soon arrive to handle the situation. After the protestors leave, Sister confides in the other two scouts. Brother’s recent attitude, this mention of tobacco…there’s no doubt about it. Brother’s been hanging out with the notorious Too-Tall Gang!
This is clearly a job for old people, so the scouts rush to find Gramps Bear and tell him all about their problem. Gramps thinks up a quick plan and figures that he’d better get a move on if he’s to “accidentally” run into Brother. That’s the cool thing about grandfathers in books and movies-they always know how to solve any problem their grandchildren may have.
“Billy, what’s the matter?”
“Aliens are invading Earth, Grandpa.”
“Come on, let’s get some ice cream. We’ll talk about it on the way.”
Meanwhile, Brother leaves the Too-Tall Gang’s clubhouse. It’s only temporary, though-he has to return later to start his initiation. It’s the kind of initiation you’d expect for a gang of jerks-steal car parts, set off stink bombs, and (unsurprisingly) smoke ten cigarettes in less than an hour. Aren’t these guys in fifth grade or something? Where the hell did they get cigarettes from?
What’s sad is that Too-Tall wouldn’t even be smoking now if his father gave him the love and support he needed. But Too-Tall never even sees his father. They always need him over at the tobacco company.
So Brother “accidentally” runs into Gramps, and Gramps drives Brother home while unloading a story about how awesome his old gang was. He asks if Brother wants to visit some of his old gang-member friends. Brother agrees, but the joke’s on him-Gramps actually takes him to a cemetery.
Brother finds out that Gramps’ old friends actually died from lung cancer, and Gramps figures that half of the graveyard were filled by cigarettes. Look, a lecture isn’t going to change his mind, Gramps. If you want to point someone’s life in a certain direction, you need an emotional frame of reference. Do it like Batman did-shoot his parents, then tell him that cigarettes pulled the trigger.
Since Brother needs to meet up with the other scouts for their scout meeting, Gramps drops him off at Beartown Hospital. They all go inside and meet up with Scout Leader Jane and her friend, Dr. Gert. (Is a Gert another form of bear? It sounds like a monster Mario would step on.)
Dr. Gert takes the scouts through her “Horrors of Smoking” exhibit. She plans to show it at the health rally she’s organizing in order to dissuade young bears from smoking. Of course, Dr. Gert’s ideas for the rally are extremely frumpy and boring, so they need to figure out how to kick things up if they want their message to stand out. The scouts decide that only one bear could make a health rally seem exciting-Ralph Ripoff.
Okay. Stop right here. You know that this is a world where everyone’s name reflects their main trait. Too-Tall is tall, Brother and Sister are related, so on and so forth. Do you really think that doing business with someone named Ralph Ripoff won’t backfire at all?
I mean, would have anyone done business with Hitler if they knew his name was going to be synonymous with ultimate evil? “Mr. Hitler, I’m sorry, but it’s corporate policy to shoot you if you ever apply for insurance.”
The scouts go up to Ralph’s houseboat, and since he’s not there, it’s the perfect opportunity to poke through his stuff. They flip through a presentation book in the corner and discover a shocking truth-it turns out Ralph is actually working for the biggest producer of cigarettes in town, Moose Tobacco! His plan? To revise Moose Tobacco’s image and make young cubs think that smoking is hip and cool! Although the scouts could’ve figured that out by the new slogan-”Lung Cancer: It’s The New Black!”
Before the scouts can figure out what to do, Ralph comes back to the houseboat and offers them four free tickets to the Moose Tobacco rock rally he’s planning. To make things worse, the rock rally’s being held on the same day of the health rally! Ralph also mentions a certain “Project X”, an attraction so righteous that he dubs it The Eighth Wonder of the World. You know, it’s pretty arrogant to assume your creation’s the Eighth Wonder of the World. I mean, we got cocky when we made the atomic bomb, but you know how guys like to top each other.
Now the scouts are in trouble. Can they jazz up the health rally in time to meet Moose Tobacco’s rally head-on? What is the mysterious Project X, and will it end up creating little girls with superpowers? Whatever happens, it’s so epic that it can’t be contained in one post! Make sure to tune in next week for the exciting conclusion!
Until then…smoke if you got ‘em.
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