The Berenstain Bear Scouts and the Sinister Smoke Ring, Part Two
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When we last left the Bear Scouts, they had just discovered that local con-man Ralph Ripoff is organizing a rock rally for his employers, Moose Tobacco. This is bad news, because the scouts originally hoped that Ralph would help them organize a health rally that Beartown Hospital was planning. What’s worse is that both rallies are scheduled for the same weekend. At least they’ll both be held up by the third rally taking place that day, the 3rd Annual Mug-A-Thon. (I took my son last year. He was pretty familiar with it-that’s where I first got him.)
Brother realizes that the health rally won’t survive a head-to-head clash with Moose Tobacco, unless his plan to screw with the enemy worked. He returns to the Too-Tall Gang clubhouse and finds Too-Tall outside shooting free throws.
Too-Tall is mad that Brother skipped out of the initiation, but decides to play hoops with him anyway. After the rest of the gang appears, Too-Tall says that they’ll play half-court, but Brother pushes him into a full-court game instead. They play a hard fought match, running up and down until the gang collapses and begins gasping for breath. Personally, I like to save my breath. In about 20 years, I’ll have enough air to stay underwater for a week.
Brother rubs his victory in, telling the gang that they should play something that takes less wind like tic-tac-toe. This royally snaps Too-Tall’s chain-he claims that his gang could beat the Bear Scouts at anything, anytime. Brother remarks that it sounds like a challenge to a duel, and that he’ll think it over. If I ever get challenged to a duel, I’m going to pick Guess Who as my weapon. My opponents usually give up after I ask if their card is Jewish.
After Brother returns to the scouts, they trek back to the hospital where they can spot workers setting up for the rallies. The scouts meet up with Dr. Gert and Scout Leader Jane, as well as a character named Miss Stickler. They already know the scoop-Moose Tobacco’s rock rally is going to be held across the road at the old drive-in theater, and looks like it’s going to draw a lot of attention. Fortunately, I think we can get the newspaper to cover the health rally. We just need fifty fat guys who like walking around without clothes on.
Brother has an idea on how to make their rally more kickass, but before he can spill, Scout Leader Jane notices something outside. Everyone rushes to a window as a massive cover is pulled off the drive-in’s movie screen, revealing the full scope of Project X for the first time!
…a billboard that blows smoke rings? THAT’S it? THAT’S your big Project X? How is a billboard with a moose on it going to get kids to think smoking is cool? You know, I never understood the appeal of a smoking mascot to begin with. It’s obvious that the moose is a parody of Joe Camel, but was Joe Camel even all that successful to begin with? When would kids ever think that a smoking camel is cool? I think it’d be more effective if the velociraptors in Jurassic Park killed people and took their Marlboros.
But here’s my problem. The book makes a HUGE deal about Project X. It’s mentioned a few times earlier on, but otherwise it’s wrapped in secrecy until the big reveal. But I have to ask-why did you go through such lengths to conceal Project X when the damn thing is CLEARLY SHOWN ON THE COVER?
The billboard doesn’t surprise our heroes for long. They immediately launch a plan to transform the health rally into a dynamic force. Dr. Gert decides that they’ll need awesome prizes to counter what the rock rally is giving out, but since the hospital is low on money, she has to hit up people for donations. I like how Moose Tobacco has way more money than a freaking HOSPITAL. Maybe if the hospital sold more health insurance, they wouldn’t have to rely so much on donations. I’m sorry I haven’t purchased any-I don’t usually make it a point to jaywalk during lunch hour.
But Miss Stickler is on her own agenda. Since she can’t count on the air quality control board to stop Project X, she figures she has to take matters into her own hands. How? By trying to hack into the computer that controls the billboard, of course.
Fortunately, the health rally (redubbed “Healthorama!”) starts two hours ahead of its competition. As the rock rally’s scheduled time draws near, the scouts figure that maybe there’s nothing to worry about-no one even bothered to show up. However, their hopes are immediately ANNIHILATED when Ralph makes a grand entrance, complete with a brass band, the Too-Tall gang riding on a float, and-here’s the kicker-a guy on stilts smoking a three-foot-long cigarette.
Of course, Dr. Gert chucks us back into reality by saying, “It’s the Pied Piper all over again. Only this time he’s leading cubs to the death and disease caused by smoking.” You know, I don’t think you’re hammering the message in hard enough. I swear, kids would get the picture if they just read my new book: If You Smoke, I Am Waiting Inside This Book To Punch You.
This amazing entrance is enough to draw practically every single cub in Beartown over to the rock rally, even the cubs attending Healthorama. It makes sense, really. Most children wouldn’t consider a health rally to be exciting. It’s something their parents would take them to in some hope that their kids would get something out of it.
But you know kids never like these things. If adults took more time to communicate with their children, some of these mistakes could be easily avoided. “Hold on, you haven’t eaten in a week? Oh, man, I didn’t know. I was wondering why you kept stealing my BLTs.”
But Brother has one last effort to turn the day in his favor. He gets on a platform and uses the loudspeaker system to call out the Too-Tall Gang. Since the gang challenged the scouts to a duel, Brother says that they accept. Their weapon of choice? A relay race, pitting the four “Breath-Of-Life Bear Scouts” against the “smoking, choking Too-Tall Gang”. OH, SNAP! This juvenile taunt winds Too-Tall into a righteous fury. He accepts the challenge, and his crew charges over to Healthorama for what will no doubt be the most epic of
ProTip: You kinda have to be in good shape to win a relay race, and since Too-Tall and his gang inhale cigarette smoke like popcorn, their lungs clearly aren’t up to task. This victory is so astounding that all of the cubs toss away their Moose Tobacco prizes in exchange for Healtorama’s swag. But the fun isn’t over yet-to Ralph Ripoff’s horror, his beloved Project X stops blowing smoke rings and instead blows out letters, slowly spelling out “SMOKING KILLS”. Ralph climbs up behind the machinery to stop it, but only gets a gust of black smoke in his face for the trouble.
When asked about the sudden change, Miss Stickler simply expands on what she said earlier: “Any computer that can be programmed can be deprogrammed. And reprogrammed.” You know, for someone who’s so anal about air quality, the fact that Miss Stickler actually hacked into a billboard earns her my respect. I think she should pass this knowledge onto underprivileged inner-city kids. It’ll be like that movie Stand and Deliver, except near the end, they empty the bank accounts of retired veterans.
In any case, this dose of no-smoking power is enough to cancel the rock rally and keep Healthorama running for the entire weekend, supported by the outright sabotage that our heroes have committed. The scouts get a merit badge for public health, and to celebrate their victory, they get an unofficial badge as well.
So did I learn anything about smoking? You betcha. I learned that no one ever shuts up about it. Throughout this whole book, the moral gets crammed down our throats, carried along by characters who either harp on smoking or act like mustache-twirling assholes. Do you really think kids want to get nagged like this? Of course not. They’re people too and they don’t deserve to be patronized. If you treat them with respect, they’ll be more open to what experienced adults have to say. After all, when a teenager starts drinking, he might as well learn how from someone who’s been doing it all his life.
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Just a note to the people who made this book: COMPUTERS DON’T WORK THAT WAY! First off, you can’t just reprogram the billboard to make different shapes, unless whoever made the thing made the machinery overly complicated. They’d probably make it only able to create ‘o’s. Second, the thing probably shouldn’t have a computer anyway. At most it’d have a simple control panel to adjust settings; the majority would be purely mechanical in nature. The entire concept of a billboard that blows smoke rings is stupid anyway. The cost would be enormous, and it wouldn’t be all that impressive anyway.
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Matt Willard Reply:
June 12th, 2009 at 1:01 PM
Thirdly, I saw a distinct lack of Minesweeper.
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I think people should have the right to smoke. I choose not to (among other reasons, I’m INCREDIBLY allergic to tobacco) but I don’t bitch at other people to not do so. I also think that all of this anti-smoking propaganda is bullshit. Yes, smoking kills. You know what else kills? Artificial sweeteners, aspirin, chocolate, peanuts, AIR, etc…
People are constantly saying that tobacco should be outlawed. Remember when they outlawed alcohol? Remember how horribly that turned out?
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Matt Willard Reply:
June 14th, 2009 at 5:04 PM
Reminds me of Police Quest when everything was basically a cliched cop show and a cop’s daughter ODs on drugs. The game was all “It’s time to punish these EVIL DRUG DEALERS” because, you know, they shoved the cocaine down the girl’s nose.
By the way, expect me to cover Police Quest eventually.
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