Yu-Gi-Oh: Manly Duel Stories
-Written by Badass “Chump Destroyer” McKenzie
This is how America got Yu-Gi-Oh: Dark Duel Stories:
One day this Japanese dude was all, “check it, I’m gonna draw somethin’ hardcore,” and when he did that, BOOM! Yu-Gi-Oh came out and did a Godzilla scream that melted everyone’s faces off in a hundred mile radius. Japan tried to shoot it down but it didn’t work, and they were all, “Who’s RADICAL enough to destroy this thing?” SUDDENLY: AMERICA. Twenty four hundred American fighter jets came in out of nowhere and they started shooting Yu-Gi-Oh too.
But then a scientist was all, “It’s not gonna work, it’s only vulnerable to implosions!” so Captain Henry Washington Reagan Ford starts flying toward the monster’s mouth, and his son was all, “No, dad, you haven’t taught me how to lift cars yet!” but the Captain just says, “I’ll teach you when you visit VALHALLA,” and he flies right into Yu-Gi-Oh’s mouth and self-destructs. Yu-Gi-Oh explodes into a million pieces because he can handle any kind of explosion except American explosions, which is like a hundred normal explosions all in one, and when he blew up, the fallout was so intense that everyone grow mohawks.
EPILOGUE: Yu-Gi-Oh was made out of trading cards and video games, so when the Japanese saw that, they were all, “Here, sell these to get gas money for your monster trucks,” and that’s why we’re allowed to play this now.
Here’s the scoop-five duelists per round. Objective: beat some chumps into floor paste. How do you do it? A deck full of monsters ready to take a bite out of butt. Oh, no, here comes a giant dragon! CHOMP! Now you’re just a pair of legs. Where’s the rest of you? DIGESTION STATION. That’s what you get for challenging me. And when the other guy loses, this hot chick comes up to you and gives you free cards. Nothin’ like a smokin’ hot glass of babe after victory. But it ain’t over yet-you also get card parts to make your own monsters with. Splice a warrior and a tank together-BAM! Who wants to mess with Frankenstein’s BADASS? Answer-FOOLISH CHUMPS.
“It doesn’t get any better than this!” INCORRECTAMUNDO. Yu-Gi-Oh: Dark Duel Stories lets you enter the passwords on your trading cards into the game. Result? MORE POWER. Who doesn’t want more power? This ain’t for chumps. You a chump? No? PROVE IT, CHUMP. Get cards, get codes, get game, MURDER OTHER CHUMPS. Trial by EXPLOSION-can you handle it?
But don’t get wise. You can’t just load up a bunch of awesome cards and go to town. Dark Duel Stories has an anti-chump system to stop chumps like you from getting too fresh of yourselves. Ears at the ready-each card you put in your deck costs points, and if you go over your point limit, you don’t get to duel. NOW SERVING: FAILURE. How do you increase the limit? Duel like there’s no tomorrow, because for chumps, THERE WON’T BE A TOMORROW. Dead man walking = YOU, unless you get your ass in gear.
After you chumpify every duelist five times, here comes another stage. Rinse and repeat. BAM! BAM! BAM! Everyone gets the chump treatment. You gotta keep clearing stages and getting cards. It’s like a ritual-beat chumps, get cards, improve deck, UNLEASH THE MURDERSTORM. And at the end, OH HOLY MOTHER OF CRAP. You get to the final stage, with duelists made out of Kryptonite with decks that’ll make your brain leak out your ears and explode like fireworks. Man up, chump. You’ve made it this far, you gonna quit now? You’re gonna let my chainsaw down right through your SPINE if you quit now. Prove your metalcality! Are you metal? Are you VIBRANIUM? Shut up. I’m vibranium. You can be anything else, but I’m Captain America’s shield. NON-CHUMPS ONLY.
INCOMING TELEGRAM: ROCK SOLID. Yu-Gi-Oh: Dark Duel Stories will make your Game Boy Color grow chest hair, and so will you, even if you’re a super hot chick. It’s MAN HAIR and you’d better appreciate it. What do we call losers who hate free chest hair? ANSWER: SWEATY, UGLY CHUMPS. Do yourself a favor and accept what works.
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I remember buying this game only for the cards, but it was still a great game especially with hot anime chick giving me more cards. The only thing that made me throw this game across the room with, you guessed it, RAGE!!! was that cheap mother f*&ker god creature thing, hell I don’t even remember it’s name. I have to play this again in order to kick his ass. Well at least it isn’t as hard as Yu-gi-oh Reshef of destruction… OR IS IT!!
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Matt Willard Reply:
June 26th, 2009 at 1:25 PM
He is indeed the equivalent of ten thousand jerks.
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these cards are so popular w the young kids. My son loves to trade these w his friends.
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Matt Willard Reply:
June 27th, 2009 at 5:55 PM
As long as he’s playing nice, it’s no big deal. Just be glad it’s not that thing called Bakugan.
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For some reason I started to read the entire article with the voice of the TF2 Scout in my head xD
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Matt Willard Reply:
June 27th, 2009 at 5:55 PM
FRICKIN’ unbelivable!
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ED Reply:
July 4th, 2009 at 9:31 AM
@Matt Willard, MY FEESTS! THEY ARR MAID OF STEEL!
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If you could see my expression, it would look something like this: O.o
Ah….too much randomness! My brain’s gonna explode!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!!! XD
Seriously, though. That story was weird, yet soooo awesome. Great stuff, Helldragon. Got plenty of lols outta that. ^_^
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Matt Willard Reply:
July 20th, 2009 at 11:12 AM
Badass McKenzie tells it like it is.
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Very nice post. I used to have so many Yu-Gi-Oh cards in my collection. Now that I am thinking about it I am gonna see if I can find them.
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Matt Willard Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 7:49 AM
Hell, I remember when Waboku was a REALLY good card :V
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