Giant Robot Invasion!

Long ago, in a hidden land, there was a race of cartridge people. When a new cartridge was born, the parents of the cartridge would bring him or her to the Elders, and their mystical cartridge ritual would conjure a magic screen that all could behold. Upon this screen, the young cartridge’s destiny would be revealed, and they would learn the name of his destined partner, something the Elders called a “Game”.

None of the cartridge people knew where the Games came from. All they knew is that, when a Game descended fron the heavens, the cartridge destined to join with that Game would be drawn to the sacred altar, where he would unite with the Game in a blaze of light. Once together, the cartridge would journey out into the world and tell the story of his Game, to be rewarded with a high form of praise known as “good reviews”.

This is the story of one of those cartridges.

*****

CHAPTER ONE: THE INCONCEIVABLE DESTINY OF PROPHETIC STARS

Let it be quoted for the records that the day started off well. When Lydia Cartridge and George Cartridge brought in their newborn son, Ace Cartridge, to foretell his chosen Game, the magic screen revealed a Game that had evolved from a previous incarnation.

Indeed, it was considered good fortune for a cartridge to be paired with a Game based on a previous Game. Alron Dynesis Cartridge, combined with the Game called Kirby’s Adventure, had many good reviews spoken about him, and thus was a respected hero of the cartridge people. Having fathered a “sequel” to that previous Game, George Cartridge’s mating prowess would be considered exceptional, a fact that he constantly reminded Lydia about, much to her dismay.

But things took a different turn when the Elders probed further, deeper into the nature of this new Game.

“Nine Games?” the Head Elder exclaimed.

The other Elders repeated the Head Elder’s words for twenty minutes until falling into panicked whispering. A great amount of stress was placed on a cartridge when combined with multiple Games. Why, if one Game was poorly made, then it would tarnish the reputation of the whole catridge. He would seem incomplete, unfinished. If all the games were bad…well, that was much too horrible to even think about.

But the Elders had no choice. A cartridge was destined to combine with a Game, no matter how dreadful the Game could possibly be. “We are sorry,” the Head Elder declared. “There is nothing we can do.”

George Cartridge was stricken with grief. He had seen many cartridges driven mad by the weight of multiple Games on their cartridge soul, but he had never seen so many Games coupled together before. Not since Acton 52, but that cartridge had turned against the cartridge people, raving in the streets about how they would become obsolete when “CDs” were introduced, until he was hanged for his transgressions. And now…his son, young Ace Cartridge, was to inherit nine whole Games to his name.

But George Cartridge was a man of action, never one to stand idly by, and after much thought, George decided the best course of action was to become an alcoholic.

*****

CHAPTER TWO: THE RAMPANT DISCOVERY OF DIAMOND SOULS

A few months later, George was sitting on his porch solving his problems when he was hailed by an unknown visitor. The visitor introduced himself as Antonio Cartridge, and wished to speak to George about Ace. After George noticed the case of Silicon Lite that Antonio was carrying, he smiled and walked Antonio up to the porch, where they got to talking. Antonio revealed that he was a traveller, and that he had learned a unique martial art passed down by old, wise Japanese cartridges. If Ace learned this martial art, it would help him harness his power and prepare himself for his union with Kirby Super Star.

“What’s this martial art called?” George asked.

A stroke of lightning cracked the sky as Antonio spoke. “‘The jiggle’.”

“I do that when no one else is in the house,” George said. “But if you think it’ll help, then go ahead and teach him.”

And so, under Antonio’s care, Ace Cartridge learned the art of “the jiggle”, until he became a very handsome and strappling young cartridge that girl cartridges would fight over in hot cartridge catfights.

But Antonio knew that a Game of Kirby Super Star’s magnitude often had other, less worthy cartridges attempt to combine with them, ruining the Game for everyone so that it would not recieve “good reviews”. They had to be ready for anything-Ace’s union with Kirby Super Star would no doubt attract a challenger.

When the skies were flooded by dark violet clouds, a Game was about to descend, and Ace felt anticipation stirring in his cartridge soul. George and Lydia quickly drove him and Antonio to the sacred altar, where a crowd had already gathered, watching the sky as Kirby Super Star fell.

“Quick, Ace!” Antonio cried when the car stopped. “Climb onto the altar!”

Ace dashed up the stone stairway leading to the altar, but before he could reach the center, another cartridge wearing a black mask leapt onto the altar from the ground below, blocking his path.

“That’s as far as you go, Ace Cartridge!” the other cartridge sneered.

“Who are you?” Ace said.

The cartridge ripped off his mask. “I am Shroud Cartridge, the cartridge that has combined with Action 52!”

*****

CHAPTER THREE: THE PASSIONATE STAMPEDE OF GODS AND DEMONS

Ace gasped. “But you’re supposed to be dead!”

“The dark power of Action 52 revived me,” Shroud said. “But now I want more. Kirby Super Star has been highly anticipated, and I’m far more deserving of that power than any cartridge here-especially YOU, Ace Cartridge!”

“I don’t think so!” Antonio said, as he leapt up to the altar, landing by Ace’s side. “Kirby Super Star was destined to combine with Ace!”

Shroud mockingly bowed. “Why, hello, Antonio. Have you come to stop me too?”

“I should have never taken you on as a student!” Antonio said. “Ever since I met you, I knew that your heart would one day be corrupted by evil!”

“He knows ‘the jiggle’ too?!” Ace said.

“Yes,” Antonio said. “But you have become a powerful user of ‘the jiggle’ in the time I have known you, Ace. If we battle together, I know we can defeat this fiend for good!”

“Come on, then!” Shroud laughed. “Let’s see how powerful you really are!”

All three cartridges fought, and it was an awesome battle to behold, each one flopping across the floor and flinging themselves at their opponent with the skillful throws known only to wielders of “the jiggle”. But the power of Action 52 was too great, and combined with Shroud’s experience, Antonio and Ace found themselves struggling.

“Look!” one of the cartridges in the crowd shouted, and all looked up and saw that Kirby Super Star was about to land on the altar.

Antonio tackled Shroud and pinned him to the ground. “Quick, Ace! You must combine with Kirby Super Star! I’ll hold him off!”

Ace rushed over to the altar and entered the ancient combination position as foretold in the scriptures-flipping upside down and sticking his slot straight into the air.

“Foolish fool!” Shroud said, freeing himself from Antonio’s hold. “Nothing will stop me from combining with Kirby Super Star! Not even YOU, Master Antonio!” Then, reaching inside Antonio’s slot, he did the unthinkable and tore Antonio’s Game free from the old cartridge’s body!

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Ace cried, as Antonio fell to the ground.

“Good luck…Ace…” Antonio gasped, until he passed his final cartridge breath, and stopped moving.

Shroud laughed. “At last, Kirby Super Star is mine!”

“I don’t think so!” Ace shouted, and at last, Kirby Super Star cleanly inserted into Ace’s open slot.

“No!” Shroud cried. “IT CAN’T BE!”

*****

CHAPTER FOUR: THE TITILLATING RELEASE OF SACRED ABUNDANCE

“You will pay for your crime, Shroud Cartridge!” Ace declared, his voice having dropped several octaves. “Your Action 52 is powerless against the strength of Kirby Super Star!”

“No! I won’t give up!” Shroud tossed himself at Ace. “Kirby Super Star IS MINE!”

“Feel the power of all nine Games I hold!” Ace shouted.

Spring Breeze!

Dyna Blade!

Gourmet Race!

The Great Cave Offensive!

Revenge of Meta Knight!

Milky Way Wishes!

Megaton Punch!

Samurai Kirby!

“And lastly…”

THE ARENA!

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Shroud cried out. Action 52 released a primal scream, for its dark power could not stand against the majestic light emitting from Ace’s empowered body, and without Action 52 to support him, Shroud Cartridge was reduced to dust in the wake of Kirby Super Star’s brilliance.

At once the catridges let out a great cheer. Shroud had been defeated and Action 52 was destroyed, and thus, he could not endanger the land of the cartridges again. For now, all of cartridgekind had been saved.

THE FINAL VERDICT:

* Ace Cartridge went on to earn many good reviews for Kirby Super Star, and eventually settled down with a young female cartridge.

* George Cartridge entered a bout of depression after Antonio’s death, becoming an alcoholic. He gave his old alcoholism to Lydia Catridge, who had forgotten to suffer postpartum depression.

* Antonio Cartridge is still dead. He is fond of cheating at poker against Abraham Lincoln.

* The Head Elder still loves to shout dramatically and watch the other Elders repeat the same thing among themselves.

* Harold Cartridge was run over by a truck. Nobody missed him.

RATING:

“An absolutely dreadful story.” – The New Yorker

“Who thought writing about cartridges would be a good idea?” – Time

“(BARF!)” – Newsweek

“Well, I thought it was good.” – The Author’s Mother

(Kirby Super Star copyrighted to Nintendo.)

It always seem like I’m behind the gaming curve. When I finally got my hands on a PS2, for example, people were already playing their XBox 360s. I’m used to this by now. Even when I was a child, I could never hope to keep up with all the stuff my friends had. Hell, I was surprised that they already knew about the wheel.

Yet I stayed informed about the gaming world through magazines. After all, magazines are definitely cheaper than video game consoles. Reading about the latest developments was the only way for me to stay involved, and so I constantly poured through magazines like Electronic Gaming Monthly and InQuest Gamer. (InQuest Gamer covered Pokemon often, and if you read my previous article about it, you’d know that I had problems affording air, much less Pokemon stuff.)

But out of all of the gaming magazines I’ve read over the years, nothing has stood out for me quite like a little monthly called GamePro.

DIE, Zelda logo! Die in the FACE!

Back then GamePro was like no other magazine I had seen. It was bright and colorful, mixing attractive screenshots with lots of in-house artwork. And I mean lots. Cartoons were littered everywhere, mostly to break up the letters and gaming news sections. Even the number ratings for a game review were illustrated with pictures of zany heads. The reviewers weren’t immune either-instead of normal people, games were reviewed by fantastic personas like “Four-Eyed Dragon” and “Dan Elektro”. You know, I always liked the idea of a man with electric powers reviewing games. It’s good to have a hobby outside of getting your ass kicked by Spider-Man.

One of the big appeals of GamePro was its emphasis on helping players beat games. Remember, I read these in 1999. GameFAQs was only a few years old by this point, and the Internet wasn’t as widespread or as fast as it is today, so a lot of help on games still came from magazines and guides. I liked how GamePro spread full game walkthroughs over several issues. It was annoying when I only managed to get part one and part three of a walkthrough, though. It’s like if someone gave you a treasure map and glued a picture of some fat guy’s sweaty ass over the middle. You’ve got no choice but to do it blind.

Even the game reviews themselves had bits of strategy in the form of the ProTip. Screenshots were captioned with these little hints, so even without a strategy guide, you had a bit of help going in. A lot of people rag on the ProTip for giving obvious gameplay advice, but I can’t help but like them. They’re small and unforgettable. You know, just like things that suck your blood.

I don’t even need to make a quip here because every guy reading this article said the exact same thing when they read “Samus Spank”.

Besides strategy guides, the back of the magazine featured a buttload of cheat codes in a section called S.W.A.T. Pro. Apparently lots of people don’t know what S.W.A.T. stands for, since a reply to a letter in one issue declares that, “once and for all”, it stands for Secret Weapons and Tactics. Well, maybe if you picked a name that was easy to remember, you wouldn’t get this kind of flak. Why not something simpler, like “CodePro” or “CheatPro”? Or how about “Porsche”? Kids’ll remember that.

Now, even though I was mostly interested in the strategies, I made sure to read each issue from beginning to end. Well, most of the time. I didn’t give a crap about sports games or the latest gaming technology. Going back now, though, it’s strange to read about old game tech and know how well it did in the future. Remember when the Dreamcast was coming out? The first issue of GamePro I ever got ran a feature of it, and the last words of the article are, “Whether Dreamcast is Sega’s dream come true or its worst nightmare remains to be seen and played out…onscreen.” How prophetic those words turned out to be.

Then again, something tells me that the Dreamcast would’ve done better if Sega didn’t run ads telling players how much they sucked.

Buy our console! Dickcheese.

Eventually I quit reading GamePro after my local convienence store stopped carrying it. Since then I’ve drifted between Electronic Gaming Monthly and Game Informer, neither of which carried the same punch as my beloved magazine. However, GamePro has apparently made quite a few changes since I stopped reading it-not only are a lot of my favorite sections and features gone, but the ProTips and the editor personas have been dropped in an attempt to “get serious”. Although, let’s be fair-I don’t think anyone will miss a persona named “Bad Hare”.

Still, that’s a point I’d like to bring up. These days gaming is a major business and appeals to many people, but those people seem to forget about gaming’s roots as a niche purely intended for children. Gaming magazines reflected that. Sure, GamePro back in ‘99 was silly and childish, but it matched the times, and that’s why it kicked ass. Some of you may look at these pictures and think, “Wow, that looks so awful”, but this is a different era. It may not be the prettiest one by your standards, but it was an essential part of the developing gaming industry, and so it deserves our respect.

Who knows? In twenty years, you may feel the same about the magazines and games you read now.
“You kids have it made! Our games were brown as hell and we liked it!”
“Hell is brown?”
“Yeah, and God calls it XBOX!”

Eventually I might pick up GamePro again. Maybe I’ll rediscover what made the magazine so awesome for me as a kid. Until then, I’ll remember GamePro for what it was used to be-silly, yet fun. Some gamers may have gotten the power with Nintendo Power, but as for me…I just have to say, “Game On, GamePros!”

(I’m sorry. That was horrible and I apologize. To make up for it, I will now enter a cave full of hungry ProTips.)

No back cover of a magazine can hope to advertise the entirety of Duke Nukem, but God knows they try.

Absolute huge mondo thanks to 2xSlick, who graciously sent me some of his old GamePro issues for me to use.

I didn’t go on a lot of field trips during my time in school. Sure, I’ve gone to some neat places, like the National Naval Air Museum. But field trips are expensive-most of the time I went to local attractions. (My eighth grade field trip was to the bowling alley next door. Personally, I think the school should’ve just bought my math teacher an accent I could understand.)

However, I’d rather take the bowling alley over the batshit insane field trips that Ms. Frizzle subjects her students to in the Magic School Bus animated series. Oh, sure, it sounds like a great idea at first. Why read about the water cycle when you can experience it firsthand? After all, it’s much better to learn hands-on than through school work. You’ll never see a brain surgeon who goes, “You’ll be fine, sir. I was absent when we did the cerebellum, but I found out where to cut by looking it up on Wikipedia.”

But that’s the problem-in Ms. Frizzle’s class, firsthand experience really is firsthand. Learning about weather? The bus sails into the clouds and produces dials that let you create a thunderstorm. Learning about the human body? The bus shrinks down and allows you to get eaten. Learning about how eggs are made? I’ll let you create that mental image.

Here we find Cluckers about to undergo a particularly traumatic prostate exam.

Now you might be thinking, “Well, some field trips aren’t as dangerous as others, right?.” Incorrectamundo! Danger doesn’t matter. If you’re not desensitized to the wackiness of a Ms. Frizzle field trip, you run the risk of a mental breakdown. Take the field trip into space, for example. In this episode, a student named Arnold invites his cousin Janet to attend Frizzle’s class for the day. She doesn’t believe that Frizzle’s field trips are as unusual as Arnold says they are, but her tune quickly changes when the bus suddenly transforms into a spaceship and blasts off into space!

Be honest. If you were a third grader and you were suddenly hurtled out of the Earth’s atmosphere by a magic bus, you’d probably freak. That’s great for scientists-they’re always trying to figure out what makes children ruin their good underwear. Not Janet, though. She realizes that she needs evidence to prove to her friends that she’s been in space, so she starts collecting junk from every planet they visit. It gets to be too much when the bus is struck by an asteroid while Janet attempts to grab a space rock for herself. Look, proving that you’ve been into space is hardly worth killing yourself over, especially after the Alien movies came up with so many reasons why we should stay put.

But Janet won’t listen to reason-even as Ms. Frizzle floats out to fix the damage on the bus, Janet forgets about helping out when she spots another asteroid flying by. As she tries to snag it, she accidentally sends another asteroid hurtling right at Frizzle, but her faithful chameleon Liz hits Frizzle’s jetpack and rockets her to safety.

Hope you all remembered to turn in last night’s homewooooooooooork~

The problem is that Frizzle flies out of the asteroid belt, and now the kids have to use Frizzle’s hints to find out where she’s headed. Naturally, everyone’s pissed off at Janet. And why shouldn’t they be? Gollum over here could’ve killed them all. You just had to collect asteroids, didn’t you? Why not something more safe, like pornography?

Eventually, the kids find their way to Pluto using Frizzle’s clues, all the while holding Janet down so she can stop picking up more intergalactic crap. (I’ve always wanted to say “intergalactic crap”.) They land on Pluto and find Frizzle and Liz observing the stars. They share a heartfelt reunion, but unfortunately, Janet spoils the mood by driving up in the bus filled with Pluto rocks. The bus gets so sick of this that it spits her and her crap out into a neat little pile. Well, you know what they say in the Bible-crap begets crap. I don’t know which passage, but it’s always the one that makes children snicker.

Get this-Janet just sits there, arms folded, proclaiming that she’s not going home without all of her evidence. Now we’ve lost her, ladies and gentlemen. The field trip has offically snapped her chain if she wants to jeopardize the whole adventure for her selfish needs. And she doesn’t even need all of her crap. She picked up storm gas from JUPITER, for crying out loud. Is that not enough? Does she think scientists are gonna look at her and go, “This is nice, but we think you can try a bit harder next time”?

But you thought Janet was crazy? That’s nothing compared to cousin Arnold. He doesn’t want her to stay on Pluto and freeze to death. Do you want to know how he gets Janet to reconsider her priorities?

HE TAKES HIS HELMET OFF ON PLUTO.

What the HELL is wrong with you?! What the hell would convince someone to take their helmet off on PLUTO? What was going through your mind at the time? Did you think you could outdo Pluto or something? “The one who holds their breath the longest gets to be the new ninth planet, understand? Lemme go, Jessie Sue, I gotta do this!”

We can only assume the inherent stress of a field trip in space was enough to drive Arnold over the edge. But fortunately, it’s enough to jolt Janet back to reality. She freaks and drags Arnold back on the bus, demanding they return back to Earth immediately. As for Arnold? Well, somehow he SURVIVES taking his helmet off on Pluto and only ends up with a COLD. You know, Arnold may be a weird name for a planet, but I think he deserves the title anyway.

But exposing yourself to Pluto’s freezing tempratures is a normal day for these kids. They see things up close that we can never hope to experience, like the inside of someone’s bloodstream or the middle of a birthday cake as it’s being baked. At one point they even travel inside a bad science fiction movie and help the army capture a giant praying mantis. (Shouldn’t Mike and the robots be making fun of this or something?)

But the main reason these field trips are so messed up is due to Ms. Frizzle’s fascination with transforming her students into different creatures. Sure, turning into a lizard offers an insight on how reptiles regulate their body heat, but it’s a pretty demented way to learn. It’s not just animals, either. In one episode, a girl named Phoebe needs to grow a vine for her school’s production of Jack in the Beanstalk. How does Ms. Frizzle solve this problem? Easy! She just uses the bus to turn Phoebe into a vine.

Doesn’t this just smack of “Ironic Twilight Zone Ending”?

But Phoebe needs to be really tall to work as a credible beanstalk. To do that, the class travels INSIDE her roots to learn about photosynthesis and how plants grow. And I swear to God, once they find out plants make sugar water for food, a student decides that the best way to verify this is to TASTE it.

“I guess not everyone can taste like carpet, huh?”

But easily the most screwed up of field trips occurs when the bus turns into a salmon and migrates upstream. As we all know, salmon migrate upstream to reproduce. And HOW does Ms. Frizzle’s class learn about this first-hand?

The bus LAYS THE CHILDREN AS EGGS.

A male SHOOTS HIS LOAD ON THEM.

The bus BURIES THEM UNDER RUBBLE.

And then the kids HATCH.

EEEEEEEEEEEWWWWW. What in the BLUE PERFECT HELL is wrong with you, Ms. Frizzle? I know I advocate hands-on experience over textbook learning, but this is just SICK! Although in Japan, I’m pretty sure some of their computer games call this a bonus stage.

What’s really messed up is that the kids are strangely enthusiastic about this. In fact, as they go through the process, they start to lose any doubts they may have, reveling in their new lives as salmon.

WHY DO YOU LOOK SO CHIPPER. YOU’VE BEING TURNED INTO BABY SALMON. I’M PRETTY SURE “THE OUTER LIMITS” IS LOOKING TO FILM YOU.

Okay, I’ll be fair. None of the episodes are as weird as the salmon one. Most of them are actually pretty tame. The Magic School Bus is a kid’s show, after all, and even now it’s still an enjoyable series. I’m just being cautious here. If my children ever get the offer to go on a whimsical field trip with a wacky red-haired teacher, I’ll have no choice but to ask about her education. I’m sure it’ll be fine…just as long she doesn’t use a man named “Dr. Insano” as a teacher reference.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to sit down and regret all the times I ate food from Captain D’s Seafood Kitchen.

Dear Diary,

Today was my first day playing the Pokemon Trading Card Game! I was a bit nervous at first, but I’m okay now. Mom told me that I was practically born with an Abra card in my hand. Dad says it was a Geodude, and that he’s correct because he had a better view than she did at the time.

Mom sent me up to Dr. Mason’s laboratory. Dr. Mason does a lot of research on card games. Once he made a Psychic/Grass deck with Venusaur after everyone else told him it couldn’t be done but it worked so well that it got him a Golden Electabuzz Award for Excellent Use of a Type Combination. When I got there Dr. Mason gave me a free starter deck. He offered to teach me how to play but I said I already knew how because all the books in my room are rulebooks and strategy guides, and for my birthday Dad gave me a quiz about energy cards.

When we were done playing, Dr. Mason told me that there were eight Card Clubs on the island and that I was supposed to win a card game against the leader of each Club. I wanted to go right away but he said that I had enough excitement for one day and that I should go home and rest. He told me to come back tomorrow where he would help me get ready for my journey. It sounds really exciting. When I got home Mom cooked spaghetti and Dad played catch with me in the backyard. He says I’m getting better at throwing cards, I just need to flick my wrist a bit more.

A picture of me getting ready to play card games

* * * * *

Dear Diary,

Today I met someone I really like a lot! Her name’s Jessica. She’s a member of the Fighting Club. I was looking for members of the Fighting Club around the island because the Club Leader Mitch said I had to beat his students in card games before I could play one againt him. When I went into the lounge at the Fire Club I saw Jessica sitting at a table. I asked her if she was one of Mitch’s students. She said yes and I said I knew it because she was wearing a karate outfit like Mitch was.

Jessica got really cross at me and said that you don’t have to be a member of the Fighting Club to wear a karate outfit and that maybe she was really good at martial arts. I don’t know what that has to do with card games but I told her I wanted to play against Mitch and to do that I had to beat her first. She said okay and we played against each other. It was really easy. I think Jessica was distracted by the people playing a card game at the table next to us. I couldn’t tell who won, they were too busy arguing and throwing their drinks at each other.

After that we talked for a while about the Pokemon Trading Card Game. I asked her where she was going and she said she was heading back to the Fighting Club. I said I had to find the other members of the Fighting Club but that when I went back to play a card game with Mitch, I’d would go see her again. She smiled at me and said “thank you”, then left. I really liked that. I think she’s really nice.

I’m going to look for the other Club members tomorrow so right now I’m back at my house. Mom cooked spaghetti and Dad drilled me on deck construction but I’ve been doing those since I was five so it was easy.

Me playing a card game with Jessica

* * * * *

Dear Diary,

I’m really worried about Jessica. Today she said she didn’t want to play card games anymore. I’m not sure what to think.

This is what happened. After I beat the leader of the Science Club, Jessica and I went into the lounge to take a break. Jessica wanted some lunch so I said okay but she would have to pay for it because I don’t think they take booster packs. After a while a waitress came to our table and gave us the hamburgers we ordered. Mine had extra Hitmonchans on it. I asked Jessica if she wanted one of them but she said no because she wasn’t really hungry.

Then she started asking me if I wanted to do anything else with my life besides playing the Pokemon Trading Card Game. I told her that nothing was better than playing card games, but she said that she had a different dream than I did and would rather do that instead. It was confusing because I thought every other kid wanted to get the Legendary Pokemon cards too. I asked Jessica if something was wrong with her but that got her really cross at me. She said I didn’t understand and that I wasn’t listening. I told her I was listening and that even I don’t play card games all the time because I have to eat but she looked really angry so I didn’t say anything else.

When we finished eating I said I would walk Jessica back to the Fighting Club but she told me she had to go home and do something important. She sounded really serious when she said that, so I began to feel really nervous, but I said goodbye anyway and went home.

Now I feel like something bad’s going to happen to Jessica. I hope not. I hope she feels better tomorrow so we can play some card games together again. We haven’t done that in a while.

Me playing a card game with this old guy because Jessica’s not interested

* * * * *

Dear Diary,

Today Mom told me that Jessica’s parents told her that Jessica ran away. They have no idea where she went. All they found was a note that Jessica wrote that said that she was sick of card games and that she was going to go learn martial arts on another island. Mom told me about it while I was playing a card game with my goldfish Gupper and I felt so sad that I couldn’t even finish.

Why did she run away? Why does she hate the Pokemon Trading Card Game? She always played it with me and she was always happy when I won, so why does she hate it? Dad thinks that maybe if Jessica’s parents played card games with their daughter more often, they wouldn’t have this problem, but I don’t know what the reason could be.

I didn’t play enough card games today, but I don’t really want to right now. I don’t even know how well I’ll do on the obstacle course Dad set up.

Me trying to edit my deck to get Jessica off of my mind

* * * * *

Dear Diary,

Last night Jessica climbed into my room through the window. I was so excited that it was her. I told her that Dad wasn’t asleep yet because he was talking to Mr. Jack Daniels so we’d have to keep it down.

I asked her where she’s been and she told me that she’s been trying to get off the island. I asked her if she was really sick of card games and she said she was and that she had to leave. She said it was time to move on and choose her own life, because she wanted to be a martial arts champion and nobody would stop her from reaching that goal.

I didn’t want to cry, but I did, and I couldn’t find a card to wipe my eyes with because it was really dark. I said I didn’t want her to go and that ever since she left, I haven’t been in the mood to play any card games at all. Jessica hugged me and said that she was glad I cared so much for her and that she would miss me. She gave me her deck and told me to take care of it, and not to tell anyone that she came in my room. She hugged me one more time, and before I could stop her, she climbed out my window and back down the tree in the backyard. I looked around for her outside, but I couldn’t find her at all. She was gone.

I still don’t feel like playing any card games.

(By the way, if you ever read this Dad, I’m sorry I didn’t hit her with my baseball bat and I promise I’ll use it the next time someone breaks in.)

Cubone is a sad Pokemon so today I am a Cubone

* * * * *

Dear Diary,

Ronald came up to me today and asked me what was wrong. Ever since we both heard about the Legendary Pokemon cards, he’s been really mean and trying to beat all the Club Leaders before I do and making fun of my hat. Today he sounded a lot nicer. I told him I was trying to play the Pokemon Trading Card Game to get my mind away from Jessica, but it was really hard because I missed her a lot.

Ronald sat down and looked right at me. He told me I was a great card game player and that I couldn’t let one girl stop me from being the best. He asked me what was more important-friendship or card games?

I thought about it for a bit. I thought and I thought and I thought. And then, I knew that Ronald was right. I couldn’t let this stop my dream of becoming the best card game player ever. I worked hard to get where I am today. Ever since I started, I’ve played card games day and night. I’ve played card games while my friends went to school and when they went to the beach. I’ve even played card games on Christmas morning with the booster packs Santa brought me. I’ve played so many card games, trying to make my dream come true, and now I was letting my friendship with Jessica threaten that dream. That was something I knew I couldn’t do.

I stood up and thanked Ronald for helping me figure everything out. He said that it was okay and that he just wanted to see me playing card games again because I was a strong rival for him even if I was just a booger head with a stupid hat. I said his grandma could play card games better than he could and he said that was the spirit.

I told Dad about what Ronald told me and he said he had a better way of putting it. He said that “relationships are fleeting, but card games are eternal”. I thought it was a really good way of saying it.

I feel a lot better now, Diary. I lost sight of my dream for a while, but now I know I have to keep going no matter what, and that no one will stop me from reaching my goal. Not Jessica, and not anybody else. Tomorrow, I’m going up to the Lightning Club and I’m going to play card games until I puke!

Anyway, I’ll talk to you later. Mom cooked spaghetti tonight and Dad’s going to teach me how to catch cards with my teeth.

THE FINAL VERDICT:

Dear Diary,

Today I met a really strange man. He was dressed in a black suit with black ears. He told me he was the super musical star Imakuni and then he started dancing. I didn’t know what to do at first, but then I remembered that Dad always told me that whenever you meet a stranger, you should always ask him if they want to play a card game. When I asked Mr. Imakuni if he wanted to play a card game he said that if he won, I would have to dance for him. I told him I didn’t know any dances but he said he knew one that he would show me. It was a special kind of dance that you did with another person, but it had to be in a small space like a janitor’s closet. Normally people had to pay to dance with him but he said he would show it to me for free. I didn’t get to see it, though, because I won. Maybe next time I see him I’ll get to learn it.

Me and Mr. Imakuni

RATING:

GIANT CARD GAME PLAYER SPOTTED

TERRORIZING CARD GAME ISLAND

(Pokemon and Pokemon Trading Card Game copyrighted to Nintendo.)

You were a kid once, right? I sure hope so. Otherwise this might be awkward. In any case, as a kid you were probably introduced to the world of reading through picture books. They’re easy to read and have neat pictures, and when you’re little, that’s fine. But as an adult, have you ever reread a picture book from your childhood and realized just how stupid or bizarre it really was? I mean, let’s face it-Truffula Trees in “The Lorax” sound like the kind of plant you need to smoke if you want to draw like Dr. Seuss.

Anyway, since you know that I’m all about re-examining childhood, I’ve decided to take a new look at three picture books from my youth. The question: which book is the stupidest out of the lot? This is important information. I need to know which books will stimulate my son’s brain. Personally, he can’t get enough of Joseph Campbell’s “Robot Dinosaur with the Thousand Faces”.

BOOK #1: GERMS MAKES ME SICK

This book was featured on Reading Rainbow, and if a book was on that show, I probably looked for it in my library at one point or another. I never did find “Germs Make Me Sick”, but I don’t think I’m too disappointed about that. Going back over it, I remember just how STRANGE it was. Just look at the first page!

What the hell is this? Are those germs, or gremlins? I like how the kid in the bed has only a passing interest in these nightmarish monsters. Meanwhile, the cat shouts a very helpful, “Go away!” Nice one, Fluffy. You know that’s not going to help at all. You might as well help out the gremlins. “Hey, he’s afraid of spiders and the sight of his own blood! Go get ‘im!”

Fluffy isn’t the only talking animal here. In fact, there’s a LOT of them in this book. I know that’s not uncommon in picture books, but in this one it just comes off as surreal. Animals are constantly giving commentary on what’s going on, and it’s treated like the most acceptable thing in the world. Then again, it’d test my patience if Bill O’Reilly started co-hosting with a Doberman named Ralph.

For me it’s too much when a tiger in the zoo notices a kid and goes, “That boy looks sick”. I don’t know about you, but if a tiger starting talking to me, I’d blame the disease as well. Or maybe I’m caught in some whimsical animated family adventure. If I ever get stuck in an animated film, I’m gonna find one of the cartoon animals and get his autograph. Chances are that he’ll be voiced by Bruce Willis, and that’s probably the closest I’ll ever get to him.

Talking animals aren’t the only weird things happening in these pictures. There’s this one part where this random girl criticizes a boy who’s about to eat a cookie, telling him that he should wash his hands before eating it. Who the hell are you, lady? Why should you care if my hands are clean or not? What are you, the Tidy Police? You gonna tase a black guy if he doesn’t use a napkin?

My favorite picture, however, is one that illustrates a way germs can slip into your body. You know how. If your friend sneezes and spreads her germs in the air, you’ll catch those germs if you breathe in. Fair enough. But how does a little girl spread germs to her friend in “Germs Make Me Sick”?

She snot-rockets RIGHT IN HIS FACE.

Well, GEE. I WONDER why you’d get sick from that. Strangely, the book doesn’t mention how you can stop germs from spreading when you sneeze: COVER YOUR MOUTH.

Overall, despite the strange pictures, the book does a good job in bringing icky science down to terms kids can understand. And hey-it was on Reading Rainbow. I can’t condemn it entirely. I just hope that the authors of this book write a follow up that talks about the bigger diseases in a child-friendly way. I mean, come on. Rather than talk to my daughter about HIV, it’d be so much easier if I could just hand her a book called “Do I Have To Use The Same Toilet As Alice?”.

BOOK #2: CLIFFORD – WHERE IS THE BIG RED DOGGIE?

This is one of those books where every page is made out of a thick board. That’s why this thing is only twelve pages and costs six bucks. I tell you, I’d better find an epic journey of love and loss in here. If I don’t get what I want, I’ll be so disappointed. And so will the hostages.

This book tells the tale of Emily Elizabeth, an extremely stupid girl who can’t seem to locate her giant two-story dog named Clifford. She notices everything else, like bunnies, children, and flowers, but she can’t find Clifford. It’s really bad when you notice that Clifford takes up about half of each page and hides behind objects that barely cover his leg. It shouldn’t be that hard to find him. Just find the places he’s marked with his scent. You’ll know when you’ve found one, because grass won’t grow there anymore.

Clifford is always behind Emily, so all she has to do is turn her head in the opposite direction. But it never occurs to her. At one point she just shrugs and walks off, failing to notice the red behemoth lurking behind a nearby truck.

Even the dog on the truck is pointing out Clifford for her!

Company Motto: “That Way, Dipshit”

Finally Clifford reveals himself, looking in on Emily’s window as she is put to bed. But she doesn’t care-she’s not even LOOKING at him.

This book promotes illresponsibility and a complete inability to look to the right. You need to keep better tabs on your dog, Emily. Besides, you need to tell us how you plan to take care of his waste. We can’t keep dumping it in the ocean. We just got off the phone with Namor and he’s pretty pissed off.

BOOK #3: IF YOU GIVE A MOUSE A COOKIE

Ah, the classic tale of indentured servitude. Every time I read this book, I always have to feel for the kid running around and busting his butt for this mouse. And what does he get in return? It’s noticably not a hot chick. In a way, a relationship with a hot chick is like a Swiss army knife. They have multiple functions, but most of the time we use her to screw.

Of course, this is the kid’s fault to begin with. After he gives the mouse a cookie, the mouse keeps asking for more and more things, and the kid can’t bring himself to deny the request. Yes, it sucks to be far too nice for your own good. Some unscrupulous people can take advantage of that. First it’s borrowing money, then it’s asking for advice. Next thing you know, someone’s nailing you to a wooden cross, and you figure, “Well, just this once.”

To be fair, the mouse does pay him back by sweeping and washing the floors, but only because he gets “carried away”. I would love it if people I knew got “carried away”. Maybe then the house would get cleaned more often, and the lions would find somewhere else to hide.

But I’ll say this-that mouse can draw one hell of a picture.

Finally, the kid takes a nap right in the middle of all the stuff he took out of the cabinets to appease the mouse. Including, of course, an open carton of milk. That’ll be tasty after an hour or two, eh? After all, spoiled milk is basically yogurt that jumps the shark.

What gives me pause, though, are the books advertised on the inside cover. Apparently there are sequels to this story, with titles like “If You Take A Mouse to the Movies” and “If You Give A Pig A Pancake”. I’m not so sure about “If You Give A Moose A Muffin”, though. I just assume the moose would smack the muffin around under his lips while staring at you. But you wouldn’t do anything about it. No one likes to talk about the moose in the room.

WINNER: CLIFFORD – WHERE IS THE BIG RED DOGGIE?

Oh, sure, it promotes stupidity, but I like a book that’s only twelve pages long. It’s a good start until we American can invent a machine that reads for us. Since Emily is clearly an American who hates turning her head, the only way she’ll find Clifford is if he hides behind a Jack in the Box.

(Books are copyright their respective authors and publishers.)