Giant Robot Invasion!

You were a kid once, right? I sure hope so. Otherwise this might be awkward. In any case, as a kid you were probably introduced to the world of reading through picture books. They’re easy to read and have neat pictures, and when you’re little, that’s fine. But as an adult, have you ever reread a picture book from your childhood and realized just how stupid or bizarre it really was? I mean, let’s face it-Truffula Trees in “The Lorax” sound like the kind of plant you need to smoke if you want to draw like Dr. Seuss.

Anyway, since you know that I’m all about re-examining childhood, I’ve decided to take a new look at three picture books from my youth. The question: which book is the stupidest out of the lot? This is important information. I need to know which books will stimulate my son’s brain. Personally, he can’t get enough of Joseph Campbell’s “Robot Dinosaur with the Thousand Faces”.

BOOK #1: GERMS MAKES ME SICK

This book was featured on Reading Rainbow, and if a book was on that show, I probably looked for it in my library at one point or another. I never did find “Germs Make Me Sick”, but I don’t think I’m too disappointed about that. Going back over it, I remember just how STRANGE it was. Just look at the first page!

What the hell is this? Are those germs, or gremlins? I like how the kid in the bed has only a passing interest in these nightmarish monsters. Meanwhile, the cat shouts a very helpful, “Go away!” Nice one, Fluffy. You know that’s not going to help at all. You might as well help out the gremlins. “Hey, he’s afraid of spiders and the sight of his own blood! Go get ‘im!”

Fluffy isn’t the only talking animal here. In fact, there’s a LOT of them in this book. I know that’s not uncommon in picture books, but in this one it just comes off as surreal. Animals are constantly giving commentary on what’s going on, and it’s treated like the most acceptable thing in the world. Then again, it’d test my patience if Bill O’Reilly started co-hosting with a Doberman named Ralph.

For me it’s too much when a tiger in the zoo notices a kid and goes, “That boy looks sick”. I don’t know about you, but if a tiger starting talking to me, I’d blame the disease as well. Or maybe I’m caught in some whimsical animated family adventure. If I ever get stuck in an animated film, I’m gonna find one of the cartoon animals and get his autograph. Chances are that he’ll be voiced by Bruce Willis, and that’s probably the closest I’ll ever get to him.

Talking animals aren’t the only weird things happening in these pictures. There’s this one part where this random girl criticizes a boy who’s about to eat a cookie, telling him that he should wash his hands before eating it. Who the hell are you, lady? Why should you care if my hands are clean or not? What are you, the Tidy Police? You gonna tase a black guy if he doesn’t use a napkin?

My favorite picture, however, is one that illustrates a way germs can slip into your body. You know how. If your friend sneezes and spreads her germs in the air, you’ll catch those germs if you breathe in. Fair enough. But how does a little girl spread germs to her friend in “Germs Make Me Sick”?

She snot-rockets RIGHT IN HIS FACE.

Well, GEE. I WONDER why you’d get sick from that. Strangely, the book doesn’t mention how you can stop germs from spreading when you sneeze: COVER YOUR MOUTH.

Overall, despite the strange pictures, the book does a good job in bringing icky science down to terms kids can understand. And hey-it was on Reading Rainbow. I can’t condemn it entirely. I just hope that the authors of this book write a follow up that talks about the bigger diseases in a child-friendly way. I mean, come on. Rather than talk to my daughter about HIV, it’d be so much easier if I could just hand her a book called “Do I Have To Use The Same Toilet As Alice?”.

BOOK #2: CLIFFORD – WHERE IS THE BIG RED DOGGIE?

This is one of those books where every page is made out of a thick board. That’s why this thing is only twelve pages and costs six bucks. I tell you, I’d better find an epic journey of love and loss in here. If I don’t get what I want, I’ll be so disappointed. And so will the hostages.

This book tells the tale of Emily Elizabeth, an extremely stupid girl who can’t seem to locate her giant two-story dog named Clifford. She notices everything else, like bunnies, children, and flowers, but she can’t find Clifford. It’s really bad when you notice that Clifford takes up about half of each page and hides behind objects that barely cover his leg. It shouldn’t be that hard to find him. Just find the places he’s marked with his scent. You’ll know when you’ve found one, because grass won’t grow there anymore.

Clifford is always behind Emily, so all she has to do is turn her head in the opposite direction. But it never occurs to her. At one point she just shrugs and walks off, failing to notice the red behemoth lurking behind a nearby truck.

Even the dog on the truck is pointing out Clifford for her!

Company Motto: “That Way, Dipshit”

Finally Clifford reveals himself, looking in on Emily’s window as she is put to bed. But she doesn’t care-she’s not even LOOKING at him.

This book promotes illresponsibility and a complete inability to look to the right. You need to keep better tabs on your dog, Emily. Besides, you need to tell us how you plan to take care of his waste. We can’t keep dumping it in the ocean. We just got off the phone with Namor and he’s pretty pissed off.

BOOK #3: IF YOU GIVE A MOUSE A COOKIE

Ah, the classic tale of indentured servitude. Every time I read this book, I always have to feel for the kid running around and busting his butt for this mouse. And what does he get in return? It’s noticably not a hot chick. In a way, a relationship with a hot chick is like a Swiss army knife. They have multiple functions, but most of the time we use her to screw.

Of course, this is the kid’s fault to begin with. After he gives the mouse a cookie, the mouse keeps asking for more and more things, and the kid can’t bring himself to deny the request. Yes, it sucks to be far too nice for your own good. Some unscrupulous people can take advantage of that. First it’s borrowing money, then it’s asking for advice. Next thing you know, someone’s nailing you to a wooden cross, and you figure, “Well, just this once.”

To be fair, the mouse does pay him back by sweeping and washing the floors, but only because he gets “carried away”. I would love it if people I knew got “carried away”. Maybe then the house would get cleaned more often, and the lions would find somewhere else to hide.

But I’ll say this-that mouse can draw one hell of a picture.

Finally, the kid takes a nap right in the middle of all the stuff he took out of the cabinets to appease the mouse. Including, of course, an open carton of milk. That’ll be tasty after an hour or two, eh? After all, spoiled milk is basically yogurt that jumps the shark.

What gives me pause, though, are the books advertised on the inside cover. Apparently there are sequels to this story, with titles like “If You Take A Mouse to the Movies” and “If You Give A Pig A Pancake”. I’m not so sure about “If You Give A Moose A Muffin”, though. I just assume the moose would smack the muffin around under his lips while staring at you. But you wouldn’t do anything about it. No one likes to talk about the moose in the room.

WINNER: CLIFFORD – WHERE IS THE BIG RED DOGGIE?

Oh, sure, it promotes stupidity, but I like a book that’s only twelve pages long. It’s a good start until we American can invent a machine that reads for us. Since Emily is clearly an American who hates turning her head, the only way she’ll find Clifford is if he hides behind a Jack in the Box.

(Books are copyright their respective authors and publishers.)

Related posts:

1. The Monster at the End of This Book
2. Frank Miller Presents Clifford the Big Red Dog
3. The Berenstain Bear Scouts and the Sinister Smoke Ring, Part One
4. The Berenstain Bear Scouts and the Sinister Smoke Ring, Part Two
5. Carmen Sandiego’s On PBS-It’s Not THAT Hard To Find Her