Giant Robot Invasion! – Home of Comedy Writer Matt Willard

-Written by Justin Bailey

Hey, all! This is Justin Bailey, and today I’m here to cover Metroid 2: Return of Samus, which is the sequel to the original Metroid on NES. It’s an appropriate title for a sequel, because once again, my special guest is none other than Samus Aran herself!

Samus: Hello again, Justin.

Justin: Hold on! Why are you in black and white?

Samus: Metroid 2′s a Game Boy game. What did you expect?

Justin: Your boobs…they’re so PIXELLATED! They must feel like Legos! I’d better touch them to make sure.

Samus: Don’t start with me.

Justin: Er, right. Anyway, what’s the story behind this adventure?

Samus: Well, after the events that took place on planet Zebes, the Galactic Federation decided that the parasitic lifeforms called Metroids had to be destroyed so no one could use them for evil again. They hired me to enter the caverns of planet SR388 to exterminate the thiry-nine Metroids within.

Justin: Thirty-nine? That’s a pretty specific number. Why do you think there’s exactly thirty-nine Metroids?

Samus: Good question. Maybe there’s a fortieth Metroid that’s unaccounted for.

Justin: But that’s definitely not foreshadowing at all.

Samus: Huh?

Justin: Anyway, let’s talk about the game itself. Now, compared with the other games in the Metroid series, Metroid 2 wasn’t as well-recieved.

Samus: It’s not THAT bad.

Justin: See, that’s the thing. I don’t know as much about it as I’d like, so I can’t really form an opinion about it.

Samus: Well, why don’t you join me in the game for a while? Nothing like first-hand experience.

Justin: That’s a great idea! A man and a woman, lost in the dark caverns of SR388, where they face adventure, danger, and an overwhelming urge to begin touching each other!

Samus: I’m NOT-

Justin: ONWARDS, TO SR388!

Justin: All right, we’re here. First off, where are we on the map?

Samus: There is no map.

Justin: WHAT? Then how are we supposed to know where we’re going or where we’ve been?

Samus: This was before automaps became standard. Just map it yourself.

Justin: Screw that! I came here to hunt Metroids, not homework! Let’s just get started, I’m sure it won’t be too bad.

LATER…

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

LATER…

Justin: Whew. Thank God we got out of there all right. We’d better stick together. Things could get rough. I’d better rub your boobs so I can identify you by touch.

Samus: …look, there’s the Spider Ball powerup! It should let me climb up walls and ceilings.

Justin: That sounds pretty hot.

Samus: Shut up.

Samus: This thing’s so hard to control. Sometimes it won’t even go in the direction I want.

Justin: Look, can you see any kind of exit up there? The music’s getting really repetitive. I know it’s the Game Boy and all, but it’s just so bland and uninspired.

Samus: Then help me look for an exit instead of undressing me in your head.

Justin: How did you know I was doing that.

Justin: Thank God, a save point. These things are way too far apart. It’s a portable system, they should’ve at least included a quick save!

Samus: Quit griping. My Metroid detector’s going off. We must be near one of them now.

Justin: HA! Take that, you parasitic scum!

Samus: Justin, I was the one that fought it off.

Justin: Uh huh.

Samus: While you ran back to the ship to hide.

Justin: I was just giving you room to work!

Samus: Is that why you took my ship into orbit?

Justin: Uh…

JUMP CUT!

Justin: Well, Samus, that was fun, but I don’t think I’m going to stick around long enough to help you with the other thirty-eight Metroids.

Samus: I’m not surprised.

Justin: Anyway. My final thoughts? Well, Metroid 2 has a lot of problems, sure, but at its core it’s still a fun game. If you like exploring a big world and you don’t mind following a map to the letter, then Metroid 2 might be up your alley.

Samus: Plus, the storyline affects other games in the Metroid series, so it’s a good idea to at least watch the ending.

Justin: COUGH COUGH FORESHADOWING COUGH

Samus: What?

Justin: WELL, that’s it for this review. I’m ready for some fun. You know, the fair’s in town. You want to go?

Samus: Sure. I could use a distraction.

Justin: Great! Now I won’t even have to buy any balloons!

Samus: They’re not balloons.

THE FINAL VERDICT:

OH GOD NOT THIS AGAIN

RATING:

39…BOOBS

Yeah. Uh…you don’t want to know what happened to number 40.

I never watched this show growing up.

Seriously. I never caught it when it debuted on ABC, and I definitely never watched it when it appeared on UPN’s morning weekday filler slot. And why would I? It was just a spinoff of Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, a popular sitcom that I never watched either. Even worse, it was produced by DiC Entertainment, who were involved in a lot of crappy shows that I only watched because I had nothing else better to do. Besides, the commercials told me what toys to look for during one of our family vacations to Wal-Mart.

But even though I’ve never seen this show, it’s my duty here at Giant Robot Invasion to review it, since it was (only barely) a part of the era in which I grew up. With that said, let’s take a look at Sabrina: the Animated Series, using information I heard entirely from other people.

What, is Sabrina a cat? I definitely have no answer for that question, or any other question you might ask to try and convince me that I, in fact, know about this show. Which I know nothing about.

This show is about a younger Sabrina who attends middle school and gets into a variety of magical midsadventures. (Or so I’ve been told.) In every episode, she dips into her “Spooky Jar” for a spell that will fix the day’s problem, even though she’s forbidden to abuse magic. However, the spell always manages to backfire, leaving Sabrina with a bigger mess to clean up. I guess that what happens when you keep spells in a jar-eventually they get stale.

After I heard about this concept from a friend (who is a girl and would like this stuff better than guys like me), I have to wonder. Sabrina’s family keeps telling her not to abuse magic, and yet they leave the damn Spooky Jar on top of the fridge or on a shelf. Look, if you want the teenager to stop abusing magic, why can’t you lock the spell-giving jar inside a cabinet with a special padlock or something?
“I bought one of those name-brand locks to make sure no one gets into this jar.”
“Name brand, huh? What’s it called?”
“Smith and Wesson.”

I’ve also been informed that Sabrina is surrounded by younger versions of characters from the original sitcom, like Harvey Kinkle and her aunts, Hilda and Zelda. Now, if you’ve seen Sabrina, the Teenage Witch (which I haven’t), you’d know that Hilda and Zelda were at least 600 years old, and look to be at least 30. It’d make sense that they’d look about 25 or so while Sabrina was in middle school, right? Well, it turns out that Hilda and Zelda were turned into teenagers during these years because they abused magic. How can you tell? I’m not sure, especially when these characters look NOTHING like their adult versions.

I’m not sure who is supposed to be who, but I’m fairly sure no one is supposed to be brown and half-asleep.

And not only have Hilda and Zelda been turned into teenagers, they apparently have to go to high school and learn how to drive while obeying the rules of Sabrina’s guardian, Uncle Quigley. Why? What purpose does this serve? They’re over 600 years old-it’s not like they wouldn’t know how to do this stuff already. I may not be a warlock, but I don’t see how this is an effective punishment for abusing magic. Personally, I think it’d be better if they were turned into trees. The plot twist is that they don’t do anything and we don’t feel insulted when we go home.

My other friend claims that at least they got Nick Bakay to voice Salem in the cartoon like he did in the sitcom. I can’t personally tell you what that’s like, but I hear cartoon Salem saunters around in a smoking jacket a la Hugh Hefner and prods Sabrina into using magic because he’s an asshole. I have to say, if I ever sat down to watch every single episode of this series multiple times in syndication, I’d think Salem was easily the best character out of the whole lot. That’s why when Salem gets on a bus, everyone else has to get up and go to the back.

But even if I wanted to watch this show (which I don’t) I’d be cautious. This is a DiC series we’re talking about here. DiC cartoons are infamous for cheesy plotlines, flat characters, and inconsistent animation. This show is no different. Pouring over the notes that my other friend obsessively took while watching a couple of episodes, I’ve learned that while the animation is passable, this show has several other problems that only enhance how lame it is. (His words, not mine.)

For example, this show has a load of EXCELLENT episode title puns, which every cartoon is required to have by law. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love a good reference, and the show apparently drops in some pop culture references from time to time. However, it’s mostly limited to those awful title puns-they don’t really do anything else with them. One episode is called “Field of Screams”, and involves a group of baseball-playing monsters called the “Impalers” taking over the local joints in Sabrina’s town. Look, if you’ve got a gang of baseball players dominating town, why didn’t you model the episode after The Warriors and have the local kids face down the monsters with a team called “The Baseball Furies”?

Impalers, come out to play-ay~

And it says here that some of these references don’t make sense. In the episode “Boy Meets Bike”, Sabrina offers to take Harvey to a double feature showing the two Armour of God movies. But wait a minute-Armour of God 2 was released first in the US as Operation Condor, and after that Armour of God 1 was released direct-to-video as Operation Condor 2: Armour of the Gods. Are they going to see the original Hong Kong flicks, or are they going to see the American versions, which they probably wouldn’t know are really titled Armour of God unless they Googled it like I did?

Eh. Maybe they know a film buff who spends his weekend watching movies like Bruce Lee VS. Bad Guys From Stephen King Novels. (Apparently what “It” fears the most is a roundhouse.)

Then there are times where the references are just plain wrong. In another episode where Sabrina, Harvey, and Salem are sucked into Harvey’s indie comic book, they find that a green blob called the Dreaded Dysphylia is erasing the entire comic book world. Harvey gets pretty bummed about it-he’s come to believe that his comic book skills suck, and so he doesn’t want to come up with a plan. I’d call the Ghostbusters for help, but since we’re stuck in a comic book, the only thing we can do now is try to stall with the Filibusters.

But another character called “Perfecto, Pooch of Power” is amused, and says that you don’t really hear the world “Dysphylia” in a comic book that often.

“Dysphylia is defined as the inability to like oneself.”

…hold on.

No it’s not! Dysphylia is a GENUS, which has nothing to do with liking yourself! The closest word that relates to liking yourself is “dysphoria”, which basically means ‘feeling bad’! Did these guys even do any research? If this blob is supposed to represent Harvey’s self-loathing, why didn’t they make sure its name was actually related to depression? Who knows. Maybe one of the senior interns was supposed to look it up, if his ventriloquist hadn’t called in sick that day.

But these notes explain that the biggest problem of this show is the total lack of character development. Now, it’s true that a lot of episodic cartoons don’t really have character development. It’s not exactly a bad thing. But consider this for a moment-the entire premise of Sabrina: The Animated Series involves Sabrina abusing magic to solve a problem, only to learn a valuable life lesson after the spell backfires and she’s forced to settle things herself. Sounds reasonable enough.

So, with this new experience under her belt, what does Sabrina do in the next episode? SHE ABUSES MAGIC.

I didn’t expect this at all!

Really, why do you show that Sabrina “learns a lesson” when it’s clear she doesn’t learn a damn thing at all? People change because of events in their life. You’d think that after lots of wacky hijinks, Sabrina would realize that using a spell isn’t going to work, especially when those spells come in a box that says “As Seen On TV”.

And, according to my notes, there’s one incident that’s probably the worst case of “retaining the status quo” I have ever seen. See, Sabrina has a rival named Gem Stone who often abuses her wealth to show up Sabrina and try to win Harvey’s favor. Okay, no problem. But in one episode, Gem’s family actually loses all of their money, and Gem is forced to live with Sabrina for a while. Gem eventually develops a healthy and profound respect for Sabrina, and though she gets her money back at the end of the episode, you know that she’ll never be the same again.

Does this affect any future episode? NO. Come on, guys. If you’re not going to take advantage of character development, then don’t develop your characters in the first place. I’d rather have cardboard people that characters who develop right into a brick wall. Actually, forget cardboard people-I’d rather have some action figures. Like Optimus Prime. Then Skeletor can steal Barbie so Optimus has to team up with Snake Eyes to stop him. Oh yeah, that would be awesome.

GIVE ME YOUR FACE

Overall, I can only guess that Sabrina: The Animated Series was pretty forgettable, though it sounds harmless. And hey-the show was apparently produced by Savage Steve Holland, who created the awesome Eek! the Cat. That’s pretty cool. Still, if you’re gonna watch something by DiC, you might as well watch Inspector Gadget. At least his theme song is way more awesome.

Oh! My other Sabrina-liking friend has just shown up and told me that this show got a follow-up called Sabrina’s Secret Life, involving practically no one from the original voice cast. Judging by how much Sabrina: The Animated Series isn’t worth it, I’m glad I also never paid attention to Sabrina’s Secret Life.

(I’m being serious. I don’t remember that damn show at all.)

Software piracy is a huge issue. Ever since the first computer application, unscrupulous individuals have copied programs and passed them around for free. It’s way less exciting than the “piracy” label would lead you to believe. There aren’t any ships or cannons involved, and the only way you can capture a wench is if you wag a copy of Windows 7 in front of her.

In any case, with a problem like this, groups dedicated to preventing software piracy tend to pop up. The most well-known group is the Software & Information Industry Assosciation (SIIA), who has an entire department dedicated to anti-piracy efforts. I bet you’d have to be really up-front and direct to confront software pirates. I couldn’t do that. I’d be the guy who sends you a fruit basket with a card that goes, “Can you please stop downloading Diablo II? I’d really appreciate it. Love you <3"

Now, if you don't follow the fascinating world of anti-piracy efforts, you're probably thinking, "Who the hell are the SIIA?" Fair enough-you don't really see them in the public eye. But to my knowledge, the SIIA did run a particular anti-piracy campaign back when they were the Software Publishers Assosciation, and it sucked so much that the SIIA were rightfully shamed back into the shadows. This campaign, apparently, was made up of a single video, and yet it was so idiotic that it failed to affect piracy at all, except maybe to pass this horrible video around.

But you probably know it as "Don't Copy That Floppy".

“Don’t Copy That Floppy” is a (mercifully) short video that opens up with two kids engaged in a heated computer duel. That must be one hell of a contest-they’re fake-pounding the keyboard way more than any other bad actor would. Personally, I like how the girl is so good that she doesn’t even have to touch the keyboard to win. Maybe that’s what happens when you master a game. You just think about playing and the game says, “Screw it, here’s the ending, we’re not going through that again.”

So after the girl (Jenny) wins, she realizes that she has to go to fourth period. The boy (Corey) says that he can copy the game on a spare floppy disk so they can play at home. They pop the disk into the computer, but instead of copying the game, the screen starts freaking out.

Apparently Windows 3.1 did this all the time.

But this is no normal computer crash! As the screen washes over in static, the image of a happenin’ rap artist fades into view-it’s MC Double Def DP, protector of disks and computer programs everywhere! At least that’s what he claims. I don’t know, but the idea of summoning a force through the Internet with a floppy disk is kinda like bringing Satan in your computer. It’s way too risky. I mean, what if you don’t have the latest version of Jesus? I guess you could try Vishnu, but you may not have enough memory for that.

So now that MC Double Def DP is loose in the mortal world to wreak havoc once again, what does he do? He starts rapping. Yeah. That’s basically the structure of the whole video. Double Def shows up and raps about why you shouldn’t copy software. That’s it. It’s just one guy dressed in awful 90s clothes singing the most disjointed, godawful rap song you’ll ever hear, dancing like a complete spaz and making Carlton from Fresh Prince of Bel Air look classically trained.

Seriously, who at SIIA thought that this would be effective? It’s not “cool” or “hip”. It’s several other words I’d like to print. This happens all the time when these groups try to appeal to a youthful audience. They never do their research and just end up looking completely idiotic. Look, if you used your local library more often, maybe you’d find books on how to be cool to children. You know, helpful titles like Hey, Quit Being Old and I Don’t Want To Hear About Vietnam.

Fortunately, there is some relief from the massive amounts of stupid. At one point MC begins name-dropping some games that were popular at the time, and I just imagine some kid sitting there and going “Forget this jerk, show some more Carmen Sandiego!” Even better is when the video cuts to interviews with actual game designers who worked on classic PC games like Neverwinter Nights. Even if you’re not interested in the game design process, that’s still two whole minutes without having to listen to MC Double Dipshit, so you should take what you can get.

Even our wizard’s most powerful seals cannot hold him for long!

Finally, MC Double Def DP finishes his painful anti-piracy message and fades back into the internet, leaving the kids with a copy prompt. A normal kid would wonder what the hell he just saw and promptly ignore what the magical internet man just said. But this is an educational video, after all-the DP’s message seems to have influenced our heroes for the better. Jenny resolves not to copy software and Corey figures that he’ll just buy a copy of the game with his leftover summer job money. I don’t know why he didn’t think of doing that in the first place, but hey, I guess you’re due to lose a few brain cells when you get paid to appear in “Don’t Copy That Floppy”.

The video ends with Corey challenging Jenny to another quick game before class, and the two resume beating the hell out of the keyboard, ensuring no one else will be able to copy the game…or even play it, for that matter. Never mind the fact that Jenny just said that she had to go to fourth period, and MC Double Def’s interruption ate up the first ten minutes of her class time. And what about Corey? He’ll be late to PE, and you know how Biff hates it when there aren’t any dweebs for his dodgeballs to serenade.

What’s even worse is that, at the end of the video, they show a paragraph of text that “gives you permission to copy this video for the non-profit purpose of promoting the ethical and legal use of software.” Really, non-profit? Who the hell would sell this back then? What would the sales pitch have been like? “Hey, I got this video of a lost segment from World’s Whitest Black Guys, it’ll cost ya 20.”

Now you’d think that would be the end of the tale. For nearly seventeen years, it was. In fact, the only reason people know about Don’t Copy That Floppy today was because it was passed around on the internet and ridiculed. That’s why we were floored when the SIIA recently came out with a trailer for a SEQUEL to Don’t Copy That Floppy, defying the popular rule known only as “Nobody Wanted Another BloodRayne Film”.

And if you were concerned that this trailer wouldn’t be as awful as Don’t Copy That Floppy, worry not! It’s still stupid, but a new, 21st century kind of stupid. You’ll know this right away because the trailer makes sweeping use of large titles CHOKED with lens flare.

What the hell is this, Heroes?

And it gets worse. The trailer flashes scenes of teenagers using torrents and downloading music off the Internet, and we all know how evil that is. The only logical course of action is to send a full-fledged SWAT team into a teenage pirate’s house.

“All right, team, if you see anyone burning a copy of Thriller, shoot them until they dance like in the video!”

And remember-if you ever land in jail as a result of piracy, you’d better know how to copy anime tattoos, otherwise a guy named Chico will END your ass!

Finish that anime girl quick, punk! It’s been a month since I stabbed anything with curves.

You know, I’m actually really disappointed so far. Sure, Don’t Copy That Floppy ate the big one, but at least it was lighthearted. The sequel just looks like it’s going for dark and pretentious scare tactics. I hate it when ad campaigns do that. It just means the people affected by them make decisions out of fear rather than logic.
“No, I refuse to ride a horse. They said God would punish me, like He punished Christopher Reeves.”
“Look, lady, if you don’t like riding on the beach nude and your name isn’t ‘Cameron Diaz’, I really don’t care.”

But that’s not what I’m looking for. That’s not what you’re looking for. There’s only one thing we want to know…did they bring back MC Double Def?

Good question! Here’s another one-will you crash if you try to drive a train with your buttcheeks?

Oh hell yeah. Double Def is biz-zack in the hiz-zouse, or some crap like that. He’s been reinvented for a new age, dressing up like the member of Run DMC that no one likes to talk about. But don’t be dissuaded by his new look-his rapping and lyrics are still just as awful. I mean, here’s the great chorus to his new song: “Don’t Copy That! What? Why? Don’t Copy That! What What Why?” Yeesh. It sounds like he’s trying to get Helen Keller to put down the CD before anyone gets hurt.

So…yeah. Even the trailer sucks hard. But this is Don’t Copy That Floppy we’re talking about here-there’s gotta be one last kick in the balls. This trailer is ridiculous enough, but I don’t think it’s completely insulted our intelligence yet. How can we make this concept even more asinine?

Simple. Use Klingons.

KLINGONS. Talking about how copying data is DISHONORABLE. Besides, you know, appearing in the sequel to Don’t Copy That Floppy. Do Klingons have a form of ritual suicide? This is pretty dishonorable, after all, so you’ll have to do it about five times. We’ll just keep stabbing your corpse until the pain goes away.

Overall the trailer is just so bizarre that many people think it’s fake. And why not? Don’t Copy That Floppy was barely even a blip on the radar when it debuted in 1992, and these days it’s just a punchline. Why would the SIIA even consider making a sequel? Maybe they figured the hate for MC Double Def is at an all-time low, so now’s the perfect opportunity to bring the asswipe back and give everyone a reason to hate him again.

The ultimate question is: are we ready for a second dose of Don’t Copy That Floppy? I don’t know. Let’s see what the Prime Directive has to say about that.

If you’d like to see the original Don’t Copy That Floppy video, go here.
If you’d like to see the trailer to the sequel, Don’t Copy That 2, go here.
If you’d like to buy a knife to stab your eyes with, Amazon has some cheap, rusty ones you can use.
If you’d like to listen to some nostalgic and actually talented rappers, check out The Adventures of Duane and Brando.