Giant Robot Invasion!

Software piracy is a huge issue. Ever since the first computer application, unscrupulous individuals have copied programs and passed them around for free. It’s way less exciting than the “piracy” label would lead you to believe. There aren’t any ships or cannons involved, and the only way you can capture a wench is if you wag a copy of Windows 7 in front of her.

In any case, with a problem like this, groups dedicated to preventing software piracy tend to pop up. The most well-known group is the Software & Information Industry Assosciation (SIIA), who has an entire department dedicated to anti-piracy efforts. I bet you’d have to be really up-front and direct to confront software pirates. I couldn’t do that. I’d be the guy who sends you a fruit basket with a card that goes, “Can you please stop downloading Diablo II? I’d really appreciate it. Love you <3"

Now, if you don't follow the fascinating world of anti-piracy efforts, you're probably thinking, "Who the hell are the SIIA?" Fair enough-you don't really see them in the public eye. But to my knowledge, the SIIA did run a particular anti-piracy campaign back when they were the Software Publishers Assosciation, and it sucked so much that the SIIA were rightfully shamed back into the shadows. This campaign, apparently, was made up of a single video, and yet it was so idiotic that it failed to affect piracy at all, except maybe to pass this horrible video around.

But you probably know it as "Don't Copy That Floppy".

“Don’t Copy That Floppy” is a (mercifully) short video that opens up with two kids engaged in a heated computer duel. That must be one hell of a contest-they’re fake-pounding the keyboard way more than any other bad actor would. Personally, I like how the girl is so good that she doesn’t even have to touch the keyboard to win. Maybe that’s what happens when you master a game. You just think about playing and the game says, “Screw it, here’s the ending, we’re not going through that again.”

So after the girl (Jenny) wins, she realizes that she has to go to fourth period. The boy (Corey) says that he can copy the game on a spare floppy disk so they can play at home. They pop the disk into the computer, but instead of copying the game, the screen starts freaking out.

Apparently Windows 3.1 did this all the time.

But this is no normal computer crash! As the screen washes over in static, the image of a happenin’ rap artist fades into view-it’s MC Double Def DP, protector of disks and computer programs everywhere! At least that’s what he claims. I don’t know, but the idea of summoning a force through the Internet with a floppy disk is kinda like bringing Satan in your computer. It’s way too risky. I mean, what if you don’t have the latest version of Jesus? I guess you could try Vishnu, but you may not have enough memory for that.

So now that MC Double Def DP is loose in the mortal world to wreak havoc once again, what does he do? He starts rapping. Yeah. That’s basically the structure of the whole video. Double Def shows up and raps about why you shouldn’t copy software. That’s it. It’s just one guy dressed in awful 90s clothes singing the most disjointed, godawful rap song you’ll ever hear, dancing like a complete spaz and making Carlton from Fresh Prince of Bel Air look classically trained.

Seriously, who at SIIA thought that this would be effective? It’s not “cool” or “hip”. It’s several other words I’d like to print. This happens all the time when these groups try to appeal to a youthful audience. They never do their research and just end up looking completely idiotic. Look, if you used your local library more often, maybe you’d find books on how to be cool to children. You know, helpful titles like Hey, Quit Being Old and I Don’t Want To Hear About Vietnam.

Fortunately, there is some relief from the massive amounts of stupid. At one point MC begins name-dropping some games that were popular at the time, and I just imagine some kid sitting there and going “Forget this jerk, show some more Carmen Sandiego!” Even better is when the video cuts to interviews with actual game designers who worked on classic PC games like Neverwinter Nights. Even if you’re not interested in the game design process, that’s still two whole minutes without having to listen to MC Double Dipshit, so you should take what you can get.

Even our wizard’s most powerful seals cannot hold him for long!

Finally, MC Double Def DP finishes his painful anti-piracy message and fades back into the internet, leaving the kids with a copy prompt. A normal kid would wonder what the hell he just saw and promptly ignore what the magical internet man just said. But this is an educational video, after all-the DP’s message seems to have influenced our heroes for the better. Jenny resolves not to copy software and Corey figures that he’ll just buy a copy of the game with his leftover summer job money. I don’t know why he didn’t think of doing that in the first place, but hey, I guess you’re due to lose a few brain cells when you get paid to appear in “Don’t Copy That Floppy”.

The video ends with Corey challenging Jenny to another quick game before class, and the two resume beating the hell out of the keyboard, ensuring no one else will be able to copy the game…or even play it, for that matter. Never mind the fact that Jenny just said that she had to go to fourth period, and MC Double Def’s interruption ate up the first ten minutes of her class time. And what about Corey? He’ll be late to PE, and you know how Biff hates it when there aren’t any dweebs for his dodgeballs to serenade.

What’s even worse is that, at the end of the video, they show a paragraph of text that “gives you permission to copy this video for the non-profit purpose of promoting the ethical and legal use of software.” Really, non-profit? Who the hell would sell this back then? What would the sales pitch have been like? “Hey, I got this video of a lost segment from World’s Whitest Black Guys, it’ll cost ya 20.”

Now you’d think that would be the end of the tale. For nearly seventeen years, it was. In fact, the only reason people know about Don’t Copy That Floppy today was because it was passed around on the internet and ridiculed. That’s why we were floored when the SIIA recently came out with a trailer for a SEQUEL to Don’t Copy That Floppy, defying the popular rule known only as “Nobody Wanted Another BloodRayne Film”.

And if you were concerned that this trailer wouldn’t be as awful as Don’t Copy That Floppy, worry not! It’s still stupid, but a new, 21st century kind of stupid. You’ll know this right away because the trailer makes sweeping use of large titles CHOKED with lens flare.

What the hell is this, Heroes?

And it gets worse. The trailer flashes scenes of teenagers using torrents and downloading music off the Internet, and we all know how evil that is. The only logical course of action is to send a full-fledged SWAT team into a teenage pirate’s house.

“All right, team, if you see anyone burning a copy of Thriller, shoot them until they dance like in the video!”

And remember-if you ever land in jail as a result of piracy, you’d better know how to copy anime tattoos, otherwise a guy named Chico will END your ass!

Finish that anime girl quick, punk! It’s been a month since I stabbed anything with curves.

You know, I’m actually really disappointed so far. Sure, Don’t Copy That Floppy ate the big one, but at least it was lighthearted. The sequel just looks like it’s going for dark and pretentious scare tactics. I hate it when ad campaigns do that. It just means the people affected by them make decisions out of fear rather than logic.
“No, I refuse to ride a horse. They said God would punish me, like He punished Christopher Reeves.”
“Look, lady, if you don’t like riding on the beach nude and your name isn’t ‘Cameron Diaz’, I really don’t care.”

But that’s not what I’m looking for. That’s not what you’re looking for. There’s only one thing we want to know…did they bring back MC Double Def?

Good question! Here’s another one-will you crash if you try to drive a train with your buttcheeks?

Oh hell yeah. Double Def is biz-zack in the hiz-zouse, or some crap like that. He’s been reinvented for a new age, dressing up like the member of Run DMC that no one likes to talk about. But don’t be dissuaded by his new look-his rapping and lyrics are still just as awful. I mean, here’s the great chorus to his new song: “Don’t Copy That! What? Why? Don’t Copy That! What What Why?” Yeesh. It sounds like he’s trying to get Helen Keller to put down the CD before anyone gets hurt.

So…yeah. Even the trailer sucks hard. But this is Don’t Copy That Floppy we’re talking about here-there’s gotta be one last kick in the balls. This trailer is ridiculous enough, but I don’t think it’s completely insulted our intelligence yet. How can we make this concept even more asinine?

Simple. Use Klingons.

KLINGONS. Talking about how copying data is DISHONORABLE. Besides, you know, appearing in the sequel to Don’t Copy That Floppy. Do Klingons have a form of ritual suicide? This is pretty dishonorable, after all, so you’ll have to do it about five times. We’ll just keep stabbing your corpse until the pain goes away.

Overall the trailer is just so bizarre that many people think it’s fake. And why not? Don’t Copy That Floppy was barely even a blip on the radar when it debuted in 1992, and these days it’s just a punchline. Why would the SIIA even consider making a sequel? Maybe they figured the hate for MC Double Def is at an all-time low, so now’s the perfect opportunity to bring the asswipe back and give everyone a reason to hate him again.

The ultimate question is: are we ready for a second dose of Don’t Copy That Floppy? I don’t know. Let’s see what the Prime Directive has to say about that.

If you’d like to see the original Don’t Copy That Floppy video, go here.
If you’d like to see the trailer to the sequel, Don’t Copy That 2, go here.
If you’d like to buy a knife to stab your eyes with, Amazon has some cheap, rusty ones you can use.
If you’d like to listen to some nostalgic and actually talented rappers, check out The Adventures of Duane and Brando.

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4. Carmen Sandiego’s On PBS-It’s Not THAT Hard To Find Her