Metroid 2: The Return of Boobs
-Written by Justin Bailey
Hey, all! This is Justin Bailey, and today I’m here to cover Metroid 2: Return of Samus, which is the sequel to the original Metroid on NES. It’s an appropriate title for a sequel, because once again, my special guest is none other than Samus Aran herself!
Samus: Hello again, Justin.
Justin: Hold on! Why are you in black and white?
Samus: Metroid 2′s a Game Boy game. What did you expect?
Justin: Your boobs…they’re so PIXELLATED! They must feel like Legos! I’d better touch them to make sure.
Samus: Don’t start with me.
Justin: Er, right. Anyway, what’s the story behind this adventure?
Samus: Well, after the events that took place on planet Zebes, the Galactic Federation decided that the parasitic lifeforms called Metroids had to be destroyed so no one could use them for evil again. They hired me to enter the caverns of planet SR388 to exterminate the thiry-nine Metroids within.
Justin: Thirty-nine? That’s a pretty specific number. Why do you think there’s exactly thirty-nine Metroids?
Samus: Good question. Maybe there’s a fortieth Metroid that’s unaccounted for.
Justin: But that’s definitely not foreshadowing at all.
Samus: Huh?
Justin: Anyway, let’s talk about the game itself. Now, compared with the other games in the Metroid series, Metroid 2 wasn’t as well-recieved.
Samus: It’s not THAT bad.
Justin: See, that’s the thing. I don’t know as much about it as I’d like, so I can’t really form an opinion about it.
Samus: Well, why don’t you join me in the game for a while? Nothing like first-hand experience.
Justin: That’s a great idea! A man and a woman, lost in the dark caverns of SR388, where they face adventure, danger, and an overwhelming urge to begin touching each other!
Samus: I’m NOT-
Justin: ONWARDS, TO SR388!
Justin: All right, we’re here. First off, where are we on the map?
Samus: There is no map.
Justin: WHAT? Then how are we supposed to know where we’re going or where we’ve been?
Samus: This was before automaps became standard. Just map it yourself.
Justin: Screw that! I came here to hunt Metroids, not homework! Let’s just get started, I’m sure it won’t be too bad.
LATER…
LATER…
Justin: Whew. Thank God we got out of there all right. We’d better stick together. Things could get rough. I’d better rub your boobs so I can identify you by touch.
Samus: …look, there’s the Spider Ball powerup! It should let me climb up walls and ceilings.
Justin: That sounds pretty hot.
Samus: Shut up.
Samus: This thing’s so hard to control. Sometimes it won’t even go in the direction I want.
Justin: Look, can you see any kind of exit up there? The music’s getting really repetitive. I know it’s the Game Boy and all, but it’s just so bland and uninspired.
Samus: Then help me look for an exit instead of undressing me in your head.
Justin: How did you know I was doing that.
Justin: Thank God, a save point. These things are way too far apart. It’s a portable system, they should’ve at least included a quick save!
Samus: Quit griping. My Metroid detector’s going off. We must be near one of them now.
Justin: HA! Take that, you parasitic scum!
Samus: Justin, I was the one that fought it off.
Justin: Uh huh.
Samus: While you ran back to the ship to hide.
Justin: I was just giving you room to work!
Samus: Is that why you took my ship into orbit?
Justin: Uh…
JUMP CUT!
Justin: Well, Samus, that was fun, but I don’t think I’m going to stick around long enough to help you with the other thirty-eight Metroids.
Samus: I’m not surprised.
Justin: Anyway. My final thoughts? Well, Metroid 2 has a lot of problems, sure, but at its core it’s still a fun game. If you like exploring a big world and you don’t mind following a map to the letter, then Metroid 2 might be up your alley.
Samus: Plus, the storyline affects other games in the Metroid series, so it’s a good idea to at least watch the ending.
Justin: COUGH COUGH FORESHADOWING COUGH
Samus: What?
Justin: WELL, that’s it for this review. I’m ready for some fun. You know, the fair’s in town. You want to go?
Samus: Sure. I could use a distraction.
Justin: Great! Now I won’t even have to buy any balloons!
Samus: They’re not balloons.
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