Giant Robot Invasion!

Some time ago I found something interesting on YouTube-a promotional video advertising the features of a little operating system called Windows 95. Now, I grew up with ‘95 running on old 386 and 486 computers, so you can imagine the warm memories I have about it. Plus, it introduced a bunch of great features that carry over to the versions of Windows we see today. That’s why Windows beat out all the other operating systems for dominance. To be fair, though, Mac OS never saw that steel chair coming.

So, naturally, I watched the video, and, um…well. This is a blog post about that video, so you KNOW I don’t have anything good to say. This video is holding the bad report card, and I’m the one who has to sit there and wonder why the video won’t apply itself in math. Also to make sure the video stays out of the cookie jar. I SAID NO COOKIES BEFORE DINNER, VIDEO!

To be fair, only one section of the video was uploaded. There’s actually three of them-the last two cover a list of features and frequently asked questions about the system. But to get there, you’d either have to fast-foward through the tape or sit through the first section…AKA, the “cyber sitcom”.

I’m surprised no kid has ever seen these windows on their computer and tried to play baseball near it.

The “cyber sitcom” doesn’t seem that bad at first glance. After all, it stars Jennifer Aniston and Matthew Perry from the hit series Friends! Surely with a cast like that, the cyber sitcom can’t possibly…yeah, I’m gonna cut this sentence off right here because I know this is gonna suck to high hell. It kinda reminds me of all those crappy sitcoms FOX makes, and how fast they cancel them. You know, shows like Arrested Development.

Anyway, the “sitcom” starts off with Perry and Aniston waltzing into Microsoft. They want to speak to Bill Gates about starring in his crappy Windows 95 video guide, but Bill’s assistant/harpy Bernice says that Bill’s out at the moment. Instead, Bernice takes Perry and Aniston to Bill’s office to show them the features of Windows 95 herself.

That’s when you realize something. I mean, these top-billed stars are from Friends, right? Wouldn’t the “cyber sitcom” be even better if it had a little bit of that popular show’s magic? That’s what the writers believed, so they went out of their way to add those little Friends-esque one-liners and details that everyone loves.

The only problem? THIS FAILS HORRIBLY.

I’m pretty sure there’s a joke that begins with these three people walking into a bar.

For one thing, Perry and Aniston are CONSTANTLY making unfunny quips throughout the entire “sitcom”. It doesn’t matter what they’re doing. When they’re walking to Bill’s office, they make bad jokes. When they’re using Windows, they make bad jokes. No matter what’s going on, they’ll find any excuse to drop another stupid remark.

Perry: “Sorry that you’ve got cancer, Jennifer.”
Aniston: “Don’t worry, you’re a Leo. We’ll get along fine.”
Cymbal: “HA HA HA HA HA! Oh, man, I’ve always wanted to give Jennifer Aniston a rim shot!”

You’d think that at least one of these lines would make me laugh. But they don’t! I didn’t even smile while I was watching this. And you know what makes it worse? EVERY TIME Perry or Aniston makes a bad joke, they actually play that little music beat you hear on Seinfield. I’m not exaggerating. These jokes suck so much that they had to steal a bit from ANOTHER sitcom just to keep them afloat. Look, if you’re gonna do that, why can’t you make Aniston walk upstairs with a basketball and never come back down?

Okay, I guess I can’t really judge the quality of the jokes because I haven’t watched Friends, but I just can’t shake how bad the writing feels. I hope Friends was written better than this, because if this “cyber sitcom” represents that show’s legacy, the forecast is not looking good. Then again, if I really wanted the Friends experience, I’d just get my own group of friends together and trade witty remarks. Unfortunately, the best lines we come up with will go, “When’s the game on?” and “What does this word mean?”

Now, if the whole “sitcom” was just Perry and Aniston shooting the breeze, I wouldn’t hate it so much. But that’s not the whole story, is it? About halfway through, the “sitcom” suddenly changes direction, and they start bringing in these stereotypical characters to show off certain features of Windows 95. Why? Hell if I know. It’s like the writers watched a group of performers and decided to turn the “sitcom” into an ensemble show. Unfortunately, they forgot that the group performed in a big tent and one of the acts was a guy eating fire.

Hey, it’s one of the Brothers Karamazov! You know…Gary.

Oh, sure, it’s not so bad when Boris the window cleaner thunders in to talk about Plug and Play in his thick accent. But when a nerdy mail guy named Chipster slinks in to demonstrate the Microsoft Network, you get a bit concerned. Personally, I just start hating life when a damn Chinese delivery boy named Lee shows up and starts pointing out right-click menus like some mystic Zen dipwad.

But just when you’ve had enough, a new character skateboards into Bill’s office, placing the other stereotypes on edge! Who could this newcomer be?

Chipster answers that question. He takes off his glasses, stares straight ahead, and says…

“It’s Joystick Johnny.”

PFFFFFFT BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Oh my God, are you serious? Joystick Johnny? Are you KIDDING me? I love how everyone is so intimidated by him. Lee says Johnny’s the “most feared video game warrior in the territory”, but just look at that stupid expression on his face-how am I supposed to take that seriously?

And if that wasn’t surreal enough, Johnny says-

“Somebody better step up and volunteer, or we start fittin’ everyone here for ONE-MAN BUNGALOWS!”

What the HELL does that even MEAN? Who the HELL is this kid? And really, WHY is everyone so afraid of him? His name’s JOYSTICK JOHNNY! Do I even have to mention what that SOUNDS like?

So Johnny’s here to show off the wonderful gaming features of Windows 95. He demands that someone play him in “3D Pinball”, and when no one else will take the challenge, Aniston steps up to the plate.

“HUH! A GIRL? DURR HURR HURR HURR HURR!”
(Note: some of this dialog may have been revised for accuracy.)

Son, you have a rearview window hanging off your helmet. You don’t exactly scream “focused in class”.

So Aniston plays Joystick Jackoff in his stupid little game and manages to defeat him. With that, Johnny declares that Aniston is now on his “list”. I wouldn’t worry about it, Jennifer-his list starts with your name and ends with his favorite color of M&Ms.

God, I hurt all over. But there’s one more awful set of characters to go-Tim and his stoner rock band come in with a CD holding their latest music video. Bernice pops it into the computer, and as it plays, everyone begins dancing and rocking out for the rare chance to get personally shot by me.

Aniston and Perry hang back to sum up how great Windows 95 is, and Perry notes:

“And the best thing is that we’ve met some incredibly freakish and frightening people.”

Son, you are preaching to the choir.

Meanwhile, Aniston decides to push a large, red button mounted on Bill’s desk. Somehow, this manages to suck up all the awful dancing characters into Bill’s computer.

Bill Gates stars in Revenge of the Nerds.

Surprised at this sudden turn of events, Perry wonders what they should do.

Aniston: “Leave.”

There is a god.

Windows 95 sold a lot of copies, and hopefully it wasn’t because of this painful, comedy-deprived video. So far this is the only “cyber sitcom” ever made, but if Microsoft ever considers a sequel, I have a few ideas on how it can be improved. Most of them involve hiring writers that don’t groom others for ticks to eat.

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