Giant Robot Invasion! – Home of Comedy Writer Matt Willard

A lot of children’s shows use gimmicks to try and grab a child’s attention. The guys in charge figure that they have to do that if they want the child to pay attention for any lessons they might want to pass on. So they use the typical stuff. Bright colors, flashy effects, silly humor…things like that. Personally, I don’t see what the problem is. Kids are always coming up to me and paying attention to what I do, just as long as I have something else besides Diet Pepsi.

But several shows in my childhood proved that you didn’t need to be loud to entertain and inform children. Sure, I didn’t learn a damn thing from Bill Nye, but even though most of his show involved talking directly to the audience, it was still a great show to watch. Same goes with Reading Rainbow and Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood-both low key programs that many people remember to this day. If only these memories were loud enough to cover other bad memories. Like Clueless.

The only problem here is that no one is bleeding from multiple wounds yet.

But in any case, Science Court was a lot like those shows. It aired on Disney’s One Saturday Morning, but it didn’t feel like any of the other shows on that block. It used a very reserved style of humor to talk about science…which makes sense, since the creators were also involved in shows like Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist and Home Movies. Science Court also used the “Squigglevision” animation style these shows had in order to make everyone jiggle like Jell-O. Sure, it gave people headaches, but hey, anything to create more jobs for animators with palsy.

Of course, that’s probably why it bombed. It’s too bad. To this day, Science Court is an interesting piece of educational nostalgia, and I think it deserves a bit more praise. In fact, to show you a bit more about Science Court, I’ll do something different and walk you through an entire episode. AKA, the ONLY complete episode I managed to find. I’m currently trying to recreate the other episodes frame-by-frame with a new team of animators, but it’ll take a while. Since they don’t have palsy, the only way I can duplicate Squigglevision is by hiring people to kick the animators’ tables.

“Particles in Motion” starts with the entire town gathered at the house of movie star J.C. Cramwood. Tonight, he will unveil a brass plaque of…himself, which he is dedicating to, um…himself. Revealing the plaque on a stage, Cramwood asks that ALL of the spotlights are turned on so everyone can see the plaque. This manages to blind everyone. However, the frame surrounding the plaque suddenly pops off, and the whole thing falls down on Cramwood. (The crowd thought it was a promo for Cramwood’s next movie-Maximum Overdrive 2: Night of the Heavy Trophies.)

So Cramwood is sitting on stage moping after the ceremony when a lawyer named Doug Savage comes in. Savage figures that Sonya Sondheim, the person who carved the plaque, should’ve used a bigger frame that would’ve kept it in place. This is why he decides to help Cramwood sue her. Meanwhile, defense attorney Alison Krempel meets with Sondheim and agrees to defend her. There are some high stakes involved-if Savage wins the case, then Sondheim has to make a 200-foot tall statue of Cramwood. Now he can finally have the confidence he needs to seduce Jolly Green Giant’s wife! Don’t worry, Statue of Liberty-you’ll get your turn.

But that’s the basic premise. Something bad happens to a person and the person sues someone else over it, so Savage acts as the prosecution in Science Court. That’s the keyword here-this is Science Court, where the culprit-big spoiler here-is always some scientific principle that Savage NEVER knows about. His case gets ripped to SHREDS in every episode by the defense using SCIENCE, and not once does Savage realize, “Hey, maybe the guy I’m suing DIDN’T do it. Maybe it’s the water cycle. Yeah, he’d do something like that. I bet that jerk Photosynthesis put him up to it.”

So they finally get to Science Court, and Savage makes the first opening play by calling Cramwood to the stand. Here is every word of his astounding examination:

Savage: Cramwood, did a brass plaque made by Sonya Sondheim fall on top of you?
Cramwood: Yes!
Savage: Was it supposed to?
Cramwood: No!
Savage: Your witness, Miss Krempel.

Wow. That is talent at work, ladies and gentlemen. Savage would be great on CSI.
“Did you kill this woman?”
“Nope.”
“Fantastic. Gentlemen, you’re looking at your next Officer of the Year.”

Krempel opens the defense by calling Dr. Julie Bean to the stand, who is a five-year-old. (And she even sounds like one.) She says that the heat from the spotlights caused the atoms that made up the brass plaque to expand. That’s why it fell out of the frame. To demonstrate, she takes everyone into the judge’s chambers for an experiment. By turning the heat up all the way, a piece of brass she has expands enough to move a pointer, which is what happened to the plaque after Cramwood hit the lights.

Well, that case was easy! The brass expanded under the heat and fell out of the frame. Simple. Guess the jury can just declare Sonya not guilty and we can-

I call materials expert Dr. Henry Fullerghast to the stand!

…no, Doug. No, you don’t. You lose.

Oh what the hell. You’re really gonna try and screw this up some more, aren’t you? Look, it’s okay to admit defeat when you’re beaten. You never saw Alex Murphy from Robocop sit up and go, “Nah, I think I can take a few more clips.”

So Savage calls up another child expert named Dr. Henry Fullerghast, who confirms what Savage is thinking-wood also expands under heat. That’s enough for Savage to rest his case, which is, uh…not working very well for him so far. The defense counters with the awesome Professor Parsons who explains that, while wood does expand under heat, it doesn’t expand as much as brass. (Or Icarus, for that matter.)

Savage’s case has, once again, been completely and utterly shot. What does he do in response? He calls Sondheim up to the stand and accuses her of rigging the plaque to fall on Cramwood because…she’s secretly in love with him and he rejected her advances!

J’ACCUSE!

Okay. Stop. Stop this right now. Um…is this really how you’re gonna go out, Doug? Not with any dignity, but with some wild and random accusation? Hell, if you’re gonna do that, you might as well tell a really huge lie. I dunno…judging by her looks, maybe Sondheim’s really the lost member of Milli Vanilli you don’t hear about because she has talent. Be creative!

I gotta say, though, Savage’s failure of a closing argument is pretty awesome:

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury…I’m STILL winning this case if everything Professor Parsons, and Dr. Bean, and Dr. Fullerghast, and Sonya Sondheim said is wrong.

I’M NOT LISTENING, I’M NOT LISTENING! NAH NAH NAH NAH!

Well, if you’re gonna go out, you might as well go out in style. I wouldn’t know about style. I’m the kind of guy who’d be right at home if Earth adopted a planetwide uniform of jeans and a black shirt. That’s called “setting the trend”, boys and girls.

With that, the judge asks for Krempel’s closing number-er, argument. And that’s no slip up. For some reason, Krempel’s closing argument always turns into a song number, with everyone in the courtroom dressing up and participating. It’s really unneccessary. I mean, you saw how Savage got destroyed. This is probably just to rub it in his face. My only question is why the prosecution doesn’t get a song number. I guess they’re saving up for when Doug actually wins a trial. It’ll have a really awesome band and everything. Of course, by the time Doug wins a case, everyone in Motley Crue will be dead, but hey-a guy can dream, can’t he?

All we need is Tom Lehrer and then we’ll have a party.

And so, Sonya Sondheim is (unsurprisingly) found not guilty of sabotaging the picture frame. The episode ends with everyone posing for a picture painted by the stenographer, who tells everyone to “not move for a long time”. This may be hard, because the evening shift just began, and that means we’ll see a pickup in kicking speed for a while.

So that’s Science Court. Above all, it’s interesting and worth a watch if you can find it. The problem is that the only way to own the Science Court episodes is to purchase educational packages offered by Scholastic, which teachers can use to instruct their class. I’d say how unfair it is, but let’s face it-Science Court wouldn’t sell very well as a normal DVD. Looks like we’ve got no choice but to shake down the educational packages for the goods. Fortunately, I know a guy named Vinnie Rattolle, he’d be perfect for it.

If you get the opportunity to watch Science Court, do it. It might be up your alley. Sure, you may not learn anything in the end, but hey, at least you won’t have to defend your ignorance in a court of law.

If you’d like to see the Science Court educational packages, click here.

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