Giant Robot Invasion!

Flint the Time Detective was an anime that aired on Fox Kids back in 2000, and…well, I’m not sure if words can do it justice. It’s an odd little show made even stranger by its backstory:

A caveboy named Flint Hammerhead and his father, Rocky, are transformed into fossilized eggs by the evil Petra Fina. They are de-fossilized in the 25th century by Dr. Bernard Goodman, who works for an organization called the Time Police. Well, Flint is de-fossilized – the process doesn’t work entirely for Rocky, and he is left as a talking piece of rock. Dr. Goodman fashions Rocky into a stone axe for Flint and sends him on missions across time with his niece and nephew, Sarah and Tony. Their mission is to pick up Time Shifters, Pokemon-esque creatures with powers that would not do well in the wrong hands of Petra Fina and her goons, who are also collecting the Time Shifters for a man called Dark Lord.

You catch that? You better have. You’re already out of line, bucko. One more screw-up and you’re off the case!

Because Flint the Time Detective is so out there, a normal review won’t swing this time. Instead, we’re doing a play-by-play of an entire episode. Maybe then you’ll understand just what we’re dealing with. And if you’re black, it’ll kill you first after you say, “I’ll be right back”.

“Sir, we got a new case. Police just found 3:00 PM’s body in a ditch near the lake.”
“GET ME FLINT THE TIME DETECTIVE.”

The episode called “Muscles” begins at the school Sarah, Tony, and Flint attend. It’s gym class, and their Nazi teacher Miss Iknow is ordering her students to run a ridiculous number of laps around the track. But there’s a reason for this – Miss Iknow is secretly Petra Fina in disguise, and this “exercise” will tire Sarah and Tony out so they can’t fight her. Yeah, I definitely won’t suspect foulplay from someone who uses an obviously fake name like Miss “Iknow.” Then again, I don’t think Petra Fina’s the sharpest zinger in the stand-up routine. She probably hides her garden because she’s afraid someone will patent the idea first.

Of course, Flint is an anime child with ADD, so running around for an hour is one of his favorite pastimes. Fortunately, Sarah and Tony are spared when Dr. Goodman’s robotic pterodacytl Pterry flies in. A new Time Shifter has been found, Pterry announces, so our heroes use this opportunity to sneak away. Miss Iknow hears the announcement as well and makes her own escape.

…wait, hold on. Is that…?

It is! Wow, it’s weird to see what got past the censors back then. These days that scene would be cut like french fries. Not like in Japan, where children’s programming is a lot more loose. I knew it was strange when I was watching one of their kid shows and thought, “Look, I know Makoto attacked Jiro because he took her doll, but I’m certain you need a license to use that class of flamethrower.”

After our heroes learn that the Time Shifter Muscles can make anyone strong by touching them, they fly back to Ancient Greece on their Time Cycle. When they land, though, you only have a bare moment to cover your ears before Sarah delivers a brief explaination of the Olympic Games. Look, the last thing I want to do while time travelling is learn, okay? I’m here to screw with history just like everyone else. I want to return to a future where children learn that I won the first Olympics by getting all my competitors hooked on cigarettes.

Up the road, they spot a muscular man jogging their way. Flint immediately runs up to the man and pesters him to race. It soon explodes into a full-blown obstacle course between the two as they run up hills, leap off cliffs, and swim through rivers. Now this is just ridiculous. No one man has enough insanity to keep up with Flint. He’ll have to buy it from Insania, a loony country whose main exports are cabin fever and corn.

Flint and the man eventually fall over in exhaustion after their triathlon. The man reveals his name as Damon, who wants to compete in the Olympics more than anything. But suddenly, Damon recoils in pain, grasping his head as the biggest of ancient migraines hits him while he’s down. Then he stands up, roaring in agony!

…well, Sarah, you looked the most interested in him. Go blow him back up.

Damon calls for Muscles, who speeds over several hills to meet up with the group. Muscles gives Damon a quick massage on his arm and Hulks him back up, but our heroes just end up calling Damon a cheater. Flint and Damon begin fighting over Muscles, but a happy beam of love from resident mascot Get-A-Long knocks them both out, and Damon deflates all over again. You know, super-strength ain’t worth it if it vanishes at a moment’s notice. At this rate, Damon could get a cold and the super-strength would die from complications.

Sarah decides to help Damon train the right away. This leads into a traning montage involving Tony, Damon, and the surprising lack of an 80s montage song. They all start running when they-

D’AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH

Oh, I forgot. This show has a vampire.

A flaming vampire.

A vampire named – I’m not kidding – MERLOCK HOLMES, who wears extremely short pants, dresses in lace, and ALSO travels through time.

You’re welcome.

So Merlock has a huge (perverted) crush on Sarah, which is why he keeps showing up and ruining my day. Flint offers Merlock the chance to train with them, but Merlock claims that he’s SUCH an awesome runner that he would totally own them. Of course, when Sarah says that she wanted Merlock to run with her, the resulting vampiric boner is so astounding that he agrees.

And so he died. Good night.

While Merlock’s companion Bindi drags him over to the shade of a tree, Damon starts whining and asks Muscles for some help. Muscles shoots that down. “You gotta do it yourself!” he says, crossing his arms. This gives Damon the encouragement he needs to run away crying, which the group considers to be a good thing…somehow. I dunno. It’s not like this show is making any sense. Fortunately, some werelogic is terrorizing the village, so let’s hope this show gets bitten in time for the full moon.

Suddenly, Petra Fina and her goons appear in robes while setting up a finish line for Muscles. In the middle of the finish line is Petra’s Petra Stamp, which can turn any Time Shifter evil. Things get serious when Muscles runs into the stamp and falls under Petra’s control. Her first order? “Petra-Pump” that do-gooder Flint!

Of course, Muscles fails these basic instructions by grabbing Sarah on the arm. Sarah bends over in pain and she…um, wait, what are you doing?

NO.

STOP.

THIS IS A SATURDAY MORNING CARTOON SHOW, GUYS.

Fortunately, that angel of mercy Merlock sweeps in with the censorship, enchanting his cape to cover Sarah as she grows into a giant. Even better – Merlock casts a spell to give King-Sized Sarah some new clothing. He snaps his fingers, the cape drops, and-

What the – DAMN IT, MERLOCK!

Did you REALLY have to dress her up in something so DEMEANING? That costume is pushing boundaries of taste we just surpassed a moment ago! And while I don’t believe in excessive censorship, I think that Apache Chief moment back there wasn’t neccessary. Apache Chief knows what I mean. Remember that time he got so drunk that he grew to giant size and tried to make out with the Statue of Liberty Everybody was trying to get their kids to avert their eyes. I didn’t – I just pointed at him and told my girlfriend, “See, that’s exactly how I want you to do that”.

So Evil Muscles is resting on Sarah’s chest – I KNOW, just go with it – and Sarah flings the offending Time Shifter away. She starts crying because…well, look at her. Tony asks Get-A-Long if he can change Sarah back to normal, but…

Yeeeeeaaaaaah. You go ahead and keep covering your breasts, Sarah. After all, once you see them, you’ll understand why she calls them “Sodom and Gomorrah”.

Petra Fina orders Muscles to attack, and so he transforms into Muscles-Con, a massive monster riddled with spikes. Muscles-Con fires what looks like pipe cleaners to tie up Flint, but when the monster attacks Sarah, she promptly beats the crap out of it with her newfound power. Gee, maybe if you didn’t give SUPER-STRENGTH to one of the good guys, this wouldn’t have happened!

Muscles-Con fires his spikes like missiles. Rocky becomes giant-sized (yeah, he can do that) and Sarah uses him to bat the missiles at Petra and her goons. Muscles-Con then rushes Sarah, and the two lock grips in a battle of brawn, each striving to-

QUIT TAKING PICTURES OF HER BUTT YOU FAIRY.

Okay, you know what? That’s the third indecent moment I’ve seen in this cartoon. Again, I don’t support excessive censorship for children, but this is pushing it. For all the hate against censoring anime brought over to America, at least now I have an idea why it’s done. Even worse, that homoerotic vampire makes peepin’ look easy. If kids watch this, they won’t know how hard they have to work on their peepin’ to get into the good peepin’ schools. What options do they have otherwise? Online peepin’ degrees? Yeah, THAT’LL hold up in an interview.

Sarah throws Muscles-Con onto the ground with a giant swing. Strangely enough, Muscles-Con pulls a Damon of his own by tearing up and running away. And since it’s always wise to challenge giant monsters to races, Damon and Flint pursue. The goal – first one to the Parthenon wins! The winner gets to carve “YOU GUYZ R FAGGOTS” in one of the columns for future generations to discover.

Petra and her goons fly up in their ugly ship and start flinging sports-themed projectiles at the racers. I guess aiming’s not one of the events, though, because they fling a bunch of hammers at Muscles-Con and cause him to revert back to his normal form. Petra readies a final attack, but Sarah grabs the ship and flings it away like her own style of discus toss. Beautiful shot! Too bad women aren’t allowed to compete in the Olympics in this time period. Hey, does anyone have a giant kitchen we can tell her to get back into?

Muscles collapses out of weakness, and Damon picks him up, running all the way up the Parthenon steps to finish the face. As they lie down, Damon vows to train hard and compete in the Olympics in honor of his friendship with Muscles. This line is so cheesy that the Petra Stamp immediately dissolves. It’s easy to see why – the line majored in cheesiness while attending college.

With that, our heroes return to their school. And Sarah’s back to normal, thank God. I feel so dirty now that I think I need to clean myself with a car buffer. They discover that their class is STILL running, led by an angry Miss Iknow who-

D’AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH

So. Flint the Time Detective, ladies and gentlemen. At the end of the day, I’m not sure how it settles. It’s an innocent show for the most part. The dialogue’s kinda cheesy and I’ve seen better slapstick, but it’s okay. You’ll get more mileage out if it through your nostalgia goggles, though – I don’t think today’s kids will exactly eat it up.

As for the censorship issues…it’s a product of the times. Back in the 90s you could get away with a lot more. Hell, in another episode a character blatantly SMOKES in front of the children while discussing a plot point. Me, I don’t have a problem with that so much. Children are more mature than you think. That’s why Batman: The Animated Series and Animaniacs are so great – this censorship looseness allowed the writers to create truly great material.

But since Japan’s got different ideas on what children should be allowed to see, it’s not surprising that it pushes beyond our comfort zone. Maybe that’s why censorship has tightened so recently – with the incredible popularity of importing anime, parents are getting scared with what their children could be seeing. I understand the concern, but we can’t protect our children from everything. The world is far more complex than the happy environment we try to create. Yes, it’s full of pain…but it’s that same pain that allows us to grow and conquer, and to create truly great works of art.

I guess what I’m saying is to keep everything in moderation. And get involved with your kids, too. No matter what they see, it’s up to you to help carve their lives in the right direction.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, my soul feels tainted after seeing all that underage skin. I think I’ll have a cigarette. Take my mind off of it with some delicious cancer.

(Flint the Time Detective is copyrighted to its respective owners. Episode donated by Ryantherebel.)

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