Giant Robot Invasion! – Home of Comedy Writer Matt Willard

Everyone hate Jonas NOW.

HAAAAAAAAAAAATE.

Why should you hate this creature? It’s only because he’s the ultimate source of malcontent in a house belonging to a thing called Wimzie. And trust me, I’m surprised the house itself hasn’t been set on fire yet. It’s a place populated by trolls, goblins, birds and dragons. What doesn’t belong in this picture? Answer: God. Because there’s no way God would let this house of evil stand for so long unless he was being distracted by something. The story of that distraction is told in Paradise Lost, or in a version for thirteen year olds called Lucifer VS. Master Chief.

But every other creature in Wimzie’s House is baked potatoes compared to Jonas, who I’m confident causes every problem they encounter. I mean, he is a goblin, after all. You invite one into your house and you’re bound to have trouble. What’s worse is that most goblins can’t ruin lives all day. Not Jonas. While the normal goblins are packing up their goblin tools and getting ready for bed, Jonas is ruining lives 24/7. He’s even got an value menu where you can still get spit in the face after 10 PM.

“Well, whiskers and gravy!” you say. (And don’t think I’m making this up. This is exactly how you talk.) “Jonas is just five years old. He wears a beanie and he wants to be a scientific detective when he grows up. How can he possibly be the cause of all trouble at Wimzie’s House?” But little do you realize that goblins learn how to be a pain in the ass from an early age.

Take the manners episode, for example. In this one, the little monsters are told to use their manners when they go to another creature’s birthday party later that day. So what does Jonas do? Like some kind of misbehaving catalyst, he lets loose a major burp!

Then Wimzie adopts this awful behavior with a burp of her own!

Before I can pick up my monocle, Wimzie’s baby brother burps, too!

And when you think the whole affair is said and done, Barney unloads the biggest burp of all!

Now do you see how skilled Jonas is at spreading his little jerk germs? Soon he’ll know how to lose friends and influence people into trying to kill him. It’s unforgivable.

And you may be saying, “Well, boggles and dash! Surely he didn’t intend to act that way!” You’d be wrong, of course. Jonas actively doesn’t give a whit about other people’s feelings. He goes to amazing lengths just to make sure that he’s right or that he wins. And he loves to mock you, too. Consider another episode where they’re about to play hide and seek. Wimzie is bummed that Jonas always finds where she’s hiding, and Jonas rubs it in with his snarky attitude. Poor Wimzie doesn’t even realize that Jonas pays off the hiding places to tell him where she is!

And it’s not like Wimzie doesn’t try to fight back against this. When she and her friend finds a hiding place that even Jonas hasn’t considered, she tries to stay put until he says ‘uncle’. But saying ‘uncle’ would mean that Jonas would lose, and he doesn’t want that. Goblins hate to lose. No matter what game they’re playing, winning is the highest priority. Goblins will try to out-blow a hurricane if they thought they had a chance.

So Jonas never says “uncle”, and Wimzie hides for so long that her parents start to worry. Everyone scours the house multiple times looking for her. Does Jonas try to stop this at any time? Nope! In fact, it only ends when Wimzie willingly brings herself out of hiding to calm her parents down. And to top it off, Jonas then walks over and tags Wimzie to put her out of the game, since it never really ended because he never said “uncle”! Now Wimzie and her friend are in massive trouble, reduced to tears, and Jonas gets off scotch free!

“Well, peaches and shazbot!” you say. “Surely Jonas has SOME redeeming qualities, right?” WRONG. His redeeming qualities are just bad qualities that pale in comparison to his AWFUL ones. This is readily apparent in another episode where Jonas bores everyone with his logic while Wimzie makes everyone happy with her natural comedic talent. “Well, I’ll show them that I can be fun, too!” he promises, becoming jealous of Wimzie. “Even more fun than Wimzie! More fun than they ever dreamed possible!”

And how does he decide to accomplish this? Goblin stand-up comedy.

“Well, knockers and fizzle!” you say. “Goblin stand-up comedy sounds great!”

Goblin stand-up comedy is HORRIBLE. The performance is lacking, the jokes are badly written, and there aren’t actually any jokes. It’s just running around and making random noises. Goblins think this is hilarious, but since goblin stand-up offends entire nations, it’s not something to break out around your friends. And you’ll get in trouble for it. You know how it works. One day you try some goblin improv, the next you aren’t allowed to tell jokes within fifty yards of a playground…things like that.

Man, even the CLOTHES Jonas wears can ruin your good time. This diagram illustrates how each article of clothing works together to ride your ass ALL DAY LONG.

So that’s why you must loathe Jonas. Rub your hands menacingly, and hate him from afar. If we all work together, we may get through to Jonas and make him realize green goblins aren’t welcome around these parts.

Wait a second. Jonas is a green goblin…that means…!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Wimzie’s House is copyrighted to Cookie Jar Group.

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