Giant Robot Invasion!

A few years back I quit drinking soda, in a feat of endurance I’ve had trouble duplicating since. Now, once you get used to drinking water, it becomes a lot more delicious than you’d expect. But variety is the spice of me, and every now and then I desire a drink with some seasoning, if you know what I mean. Something that fits my current mood, like Snapple mixed with chili salt for bronchitis.

Enter Vitamin Water, a handy line of flavored water that gives me a burst of flavor without the calories of Comrade Coca-Cola. Well…they used to, at least. A few years back they offered Vitamin Water with only 25 calories per bottle. But the American people wanted more flavor and ran back to support Pepsi, Duke of Getting Fat. Unsurprising. Why do you think McCheese, a guy with a burger for a head, became the mayor of McDonaldLand? There’s a reason his campaign team scheduled the voting around lunch.

Anyway, there are now two styles of Vitamin Water to choose from. You can either go for Vitamin Water Zero – which you can make at home by tossing a pack of Kool-Aid into the Pacific Ocean – or you can stick with the normal variety. Of course, a normal bottle of Vitamin Water is 125 calories while a can of Coca-Cola is 140, so any benefit you might gain from the water is minimal. Sure, it’s got vitamins, but who cares about those? Nobody likes them. The only reason I ate Flintstones vitamins is because I liked to bite off Betty’s head and pretend her lawn mower finally had enough.

Despite that, though, I still indulge in Vitamin Water. Even though I don’t drink the stuff obsessively like I did with Coca-Cola, Vitamin Water is tasty enough to make me demand more, with a bigger sack and knife each time. And if you haven’t tried Vitamin Water yet, now’s the perfect time for a crash course. Here are all the flavors I’ve tried and which ones are superior.

Basically like this.

Focus (kiwi-strawberry): This is a pretty nasty flavor. If Vitamin Water flavors were beloved TV characters, Focus would be a mailbox. Kiwi-strawberry sounds like a fruit combination that should work. Unfortunately, this flavor tastes like they ignored the kiwi fruit in favor of the kiwi bird. They’re endangered, you know. Maybe that’s why I feel bad whenever I drink this.

dwnld (berry-cherry): “dwnld”? What the hell kind of word is that? This isn’t a spelling error, this is the Alphabet Sniper picking off victims one-by-one. I had big hopes for this drink, too. Berry plus cherry sounded like a flavor match made in heaven. Instead, it was a match that lit a middle school on fire.

Revive (fruit punch): I can understand why people might not like this flavor. It’s very plain. I think if you go to Purgatory, this is the drink they serve with Nilla wafers. But I rather like this flavor. If I can’t find anything better, I’ll use this one to quench my thirst. Sorry, Sprite. I don’t drink stuff named after things from A Midsummer Night’s Dream. Why do you think I stopped buying donkey’s blood?

Essential (orange-orange): This flavor is basically Tang, but it has one advantage: it’s not called something asinine like “Tang”. As such, this is a pretty interesting flavor. Nothing cleanses my palate more than a rush of artifically created orange goodness. Just goes to show that two oranges are better than one, unless that metaphor can describe your wife’s rack.

Multi-V (lemonade): This is the flavor that got me hooked on Vitamin Water. The gateway drink, if you will. It’s watered down lemonade, yes, but in the sense of watering down a chocolate cake mix with M&Ms. Unfortunately, I can’t find this flavor anymore where I live – only the Vitamin Water Zero variety. This annoys me, but not nearly as much as Lady Gaga.

Spark (grape-blueberry): I would be depressed over the loss of Multi-V if it wasn’t for this great replacement. Spark isn’t as strong as Multi-V, but the grape/blueberry combo still resonates with my heart. Together they make a company called Delicious Inc., who will hopefully serve my taste needs for many years to come. Here’s hoping they merge with Ben and Jerry’s and change Americone Dream into a sports drink.

Connect (black cherry lime): I’ve recently discovered this lost ark of flavors in the dusty halls of Wal-Mart, and it does not disappoint. With a pleasing lime scent in each sip, it’s a novel of taste I can’t put down, which wouldn’t be true if the drink was by John Grisham. Of course, it has the downside of being assosciated with Facebook. According to Internet complainers, that makes this the only bottled water who wants to look through your W-2s. Time will tell on that one!

They are also probably dressed like this.

Of course, Vitamin Water is no substitute for real water, but it’s a rewarding change of pace. That’s why I always try to keep my Vitamin Water intake limited. You should, too. Drink Vitamin Water sparingly. Treat it like a one-night stand – grab a small taste of her, then keep her in the fridge until a few hours later, or until you forget that she’s still there.

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