Giant Robot Invasion!

NOTE: Most of the screencaps in this article are VHS quality, since there aren’t any Samurai Pizza Cats DVDs to get truly high-quality images from. Please forgive their appearance!

Samurai Pizza Cats aired at five AM on UPN. I have no flippin’ idea why. Believe you me, I tried hard to catch it on TV with minimal success. I know they had to fill the timeslot, but who the hell sticks a cartoon on at five in the morning? Nobody’s gonna watch it. Why not put stuff there that people don’t want to see anyway, like The Test Pattern Show featuring Alzheimer’s and Teen Mom?

I hope other kids didn’t have to sacrifice their sleep just to watch this show. Samurai Pizza Cats deserved its viewers. While lots of children probably got exposed to them wacky Japanese anime cartoons through Pokemon, Samurai Pizza Cats opened the door a bit early for me. Like I was chosen to witness the anime phenomenon before it swamped America. Yeah, great choice. Give the burden to a miserable kid who only got to play hopscotch in grade school if he agreed to be the course.

Now, Samurai Pizza Cats is the English-dubbed version of a Japanese cartoon called Kyatto Ninden Teyandee. (Yes, it sounds just as ass-backwards as you’d expect.) Even then it was still a comedic show. But when Saban (the guys behind Power Rangers) brought Kyatto Ninden over to America, they sorta forgot the original Japanese scripts. Last time I checked, you need those to dub a show. What happened, guys? Did you just forget those scripts while you where in Japan? Figured they’d just call you when they were done looking around Akihabara?

Akihabara - Yes, We’re THAT Ridiculous

So, without any scripts to translate, what did the writers do? Like true Americans, they made a bunch of crap up, and suddenly Samurai Pizza Cats became a VERY different adaptation. Loaded with pop culture references and wacky dialogue, Samurai Pizza Cats subverted the typical dub job with a tire iron. And that’s why we’re looking at this today. People only give a crap about Kyatto Ninden because Samurai Pizza Cats made the concept a lot more interesting. You know how Hemingway said that the first draft of anything is shit? Sorry, Kyatto Ninden – this monkey wants to fling something, and you’re not helping this jungle’s feng shui.

The show takes place in Little Tokyo, a mishmash of terrifying robot animals and terrifying Japanese culture. One robot animal, The Big Cheese, constantly tries to overthrow the emperor with an array of humongous war machines. It’s up to the Samurai Pizza Cats to stop him from succeeding. The formula stays pretty basic, but an array of quirky characters spice things up. Let’s take a look at the primary players, shall we?

Speedy Cerviche
Saying he’s the leader of the Samurai Pizza Cats is generous, considering he’s probably dumber than The Happening. (Oh, SNAP!) Still, his job is Action Hero McFightyMan, and in most cultures, that equals screen time. When not working with the other Pizza Cats in their neat pizza parlor, he fights off chumps with his katana. To finish off the big enemies, he pulls an extra sword from his scabbard and slashes with them both to fire a huge energy wave. When I was a kid, I used this move to defeat imaginary enemies. when you try it as an adult, though, customer service enemies aren’t too impressed.

Guido Anchovy
Do you have breasts? Then Guido wants to feel them. This cat is constantly looking to spread a cute girl’s eagle. (And in this show, that girl could very well BE an eagle.) While Guido doesn’t limit his creepy playboy vibe to a single woman, he’s probably most in love with a lovely ram named Lucille. Unfortunately, Speedy loves Lucille too, so the two often fight over who exactly gets to ram the ram. His main weapon is the Sunspot Umbrella. Don’t worry, there’s a blade hidden within the handle. They seriously wouldn’t expect someone to fight and win with just an umbrella. He’s fighting trained minions, not trained wives who are hiding in the closet because dinner was too cold for their spouse.

Polly Esther
A popular Japanese trope is to have the men act so stupid that a smart woman has to come in and act like a bitch to take control. Come to think of it, that also happens in America more often than I care for. Either way, Polly Esther fills the role of Angry McScreamFace here. Of course, as the token girl, she’s saddled with pink armor and a love motif in her weapons. It’s so nice to see how progressive cartoons were in the 90s. Then again, this is a decade that brought us Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, with a girl that turned into a tomato whenever she touched salt. Women, right? All they’re good for is making themselves into their own BLT!

The Big Cheese
Okay, his first name is Seymour, but let’s face it – whenever you hear that, you think of a elementary school principal with mommy issues. The Big Cheese is the Obviously Evil Prime Minister who wants to overthrow the Emperor and take control. He does this by coming up with tons of stupid plans that would never work in real life. Come on, man. Having the bad guys play the good guys in a game of baseball? Why don’t you just put the fate of Little Tokyo on four square while you’re at it? “I win the shopping district!” “Nuh uh, it has to go over the line!”

Bad Bird
The leader of the Ninja Crows, or as I like to call them, Easily Mistaken For Punching Bags. Seriously, these guys are WEAK. They’re probably bigger chumps than most minions are. Bad Bird can fight, at least, but even Speedy kicks his butt every time they rumble. Later he decides to become a good guy, dubbing himself “Good Bird”. Not bad – his name lets you know that he’s a good guy without any second guessing. We should name stuff like that in real life so you’d know what to expect. Instead of “motorcycle”, you’d call it “Risky Kill Yourself Machine”. Instead of “Miranda”, you’d call her “Out Of Your League Lass”.

With these and other characters, combined with all the pop culture references, you get a pretty goofy show. You already know you’re in for a ride when the theme song implies the Cats are better than the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Pretty ballsy, especially since TMNT still gets new cartoons and the most the Pizza Cats get is an article on a pretentious comedy blog.

Really, I’d be more concerned with all of the moronic plans The Big Cheese tries out. Giant robots are nice, mind you, but then there’s the genius baseball scheme I mentioned above. My favorite is when he decides to stop the Pizza Cats from ever meeting by going back in time with a Paul McCartney robot.

You think I’m making this up, don’t you?

Okay, I’m pretty sure Paul McCartney never had a beak, but Yellow Submarine was pretty crazy-wack already, so hey, why not?

Of course, when a series approaches the final episode, most villians just go “screw it” and try a final, risky gambit to win it all. The Big Cheese naturally screws this up by redirecting a giant meteor to fly towards Little Tokyo. By the way, did I mention The Big Cheese was a GIANT TIT? Who the hell thinks dropping a meteor on the place WHERE THEY LIVE smacks of tactical brilliance? What else does it say to do in that chapter of The Art of War, set your men on fire and launch them with catapaults? What do they call that, the “Human Torch Gambit”?

Naturally, it’s up to Speedy and the reformed Bad Bird to take their giant cat robot into space and destroy the meteor. The situation is dramatic enough for Polly to realize that she’s actually loved Speedy all along. Ah, another classic Japanese cartoon trope – the girl only screams at you and beats the crap out of you because she loves you. It’s definitely not because she’s 100% grade A BONKERS, that would just be stupid.

But the supposed strength of this show is the dialogue. And after all this time, does it hold up? My inner comedy-writing prude says “no”. I realize this show was written for a younger audience, but since most of the humor relies on wackiness and references, it doesn’t do a lot for me anymore. I think a much stronger parody could’ve been made if the writers gave everyone more solid personalities and let the jokes arise from that. Then again, without the original scripts for cross-reference, I admit this would’ve been a lot harder. You make do with what you’ve got.

Still, Samurai Pizza Cats is worth watching, at least for educational purposes. Remember, this was a show that turned all the conventions on its ears and created something more memorable than the original product. You anime fans should check it out, and normal cartoon junkies should watch a few episodes to get an idea of how Samurai Pizza Cats established its own kind of niche. Who knows – you might learn something. Preferably, it’s a lesson about dumping meteors onto places that actually deserve it. I’ve always thought PETA headquarters could use a makeover. “Body by The Finger of God.”

Well, I’m glad THIS scene was finally animated, the world was really missing out!

This week we’re taking a look at Family Guy: The Freakin’ Sweet Collection. I received this DVD one year as a birthday present. Yeah, it’s not much, but since my birthday is so close to Christmas, my family usually saves all the big presents for then. I’ve gotten used to it. Except when they bought me a dog for my birthday and decided to hide it with all the other presents in the attic.

These days, though, I’ve stopped watching Family Guy because it’s gotten terrible. It may have been saved from cancellation, but the team behind that rescue mission forgot to throw quality a life preserver. This DVD came out before it came back, though, and it does have a decent episode or two. But now the question is this: do these episodes still hold up from when I originally watched the show? We’ll see if they’re cut from the right cloth, and not just the stuff they used for Lady Gaga’s fire bra.

Open the DVD up and you get the disc (which is hopefully a standard feature of DVDs) and a simple flyer. Static picture of the Family Guys on front, episode descriptions on back. I’m surprised they even sprung for a piece of paper in this thing. I mean, the show had tons of fans after its cancellation. They could’ve thrown anything in there and fans would’ve bought it, even a Post-It that said “IOU 1 More Season”.

I hear you can also do this on the London Underground.

The DVD has an attractive and colorful menu, and offers special features for each of the five episodes, handpicked by Seth MacFarlene as his favorites. One episode, “Road to Rhode Island”, even features Seth in-character as Brian and Stewie doing commentary. It’s a good touch. And for 15 bucks, you could do a lot worse. Here’s a hint: go to Amazon.com and type in “rob schneider”.

But enough about that. Let’s take a look at the episodes themselves.

When You Wish Upon A Weinstein
After Peter realizes that he’s bad with money, he gets a Jewish man named Max Weinstein to help him out. Noticing how successful Weinstein is, Peter decides to make Chris Jewish on the hopes that he’ll become successful, too. This episode was unique at the time because it hadn’t aired on TV due to how it mocked the Jewish faith. The fact that Peter wishes for his own Jew doesn’t help, either. Look, Peter, you’ll have to be creative to get a Jew. This isn’t World War II. There are no more one-stop shops for your Jewish needs.

Road To Rhode Island
Brian flies out to Palm Springs to take Stewie home from a visit to his grandmother. When they lose their luggage and flight tickets, they have to travel across America to get back to Rhode Island. This is a parody of those old “Road” movies with Bing Crosby and Bob Hope, and it’s actually pretty funny and well-written. Not sure who’s supposed to be Crosby and who’s supposed to be Hope, though. Let’s see…does Stewie comes out holding a golf club or does he take it to beat family members with?

“Going My Own Way” by Brian Griffin

To Love And Die In Dixie
Chris IDs an armed robber who breaks out of jail. To make sure he doesn’t get to Chris, the family moves down south as part of the Witness Protection Program. By this time in Family Guy history, the offensive train has rolled in – Southeners are portrayed as hillbillies who put on a play where the Confederacy wins the Civil War. Me, I’m more offended that they’re still using the tired hillbilly gag. Still, I’m willing to forgive them and bury the hatchet…preferably in the organ they use to pee.

I Am Peter, Hear Me Roar
Peter is forced to go to a women’s retreat after making sexual comments at work. Unfortunately, he gets in touch with his feminine side too well and becomes a prancing man wuss. Only a catfight between Lois and another woman gets him to snap back to normal. Again, there’s nothing inventive about making Peter act like a prissy woman, though there’s a disgusting bit or two to throw you off. I just wish the cat fight was more interesting. Personally, I want to see two women fight with mixed martial arts. They’ll still be moaning, but only because it’ll take months for that arm to look normal again in a long-sleeved shirt.

Lethal Weapons
Peter makes Lois feel useless, so she takes up Tae-Jitsu to become stronger. This brings anger into the household, so the family tries anger management to calm down. It fails and the family beats the crap out of each other near the end. This is all very tasteful, I said with dripping sarcasm. “Lethal Weapons” would be the worst episode on this disc if it didn’t have a few great scenes, like Brain and Stewie’s exchange during anger management. So it’s like you’re eating ice cream full of syringes. Mmmmm! Ben and Jerry’s “Tetanus Sea Salt”!

Tell me if you’ve heard this one before: two guys walk into a Lois, and…

And now we return to the question I asked earlier: did these episodes hold up NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Most of these episodes are terrible. “Road to Rhode Island” is the best, and even “Weinstein” manages to pass, but the other three just suck. It’s amazing that, even this early in Family Guy‘s life, it was already sliding downhill into a big pile of I Am Not Trying Anymore. The Simpsons might be running out of steam now with over twenty seasons, but even some of their worst episodes DESTROY the stuff on this disc. And The Simpsons is a franchise where they decided to flash Bart Simpson’s penis, even though his little general had clearly never won a battle.

Now, with the advent of free episodes online, there’s no reason to buy this DVD for a taste of Family Guy. But assuming you saw this in Best Buy and you had no idea what the show was about, is this a good introduction? Well, yes, it is if you think your life is too positive and could use some misery to balance out the equation. Besides that, you’d get the same effect if they ever came out with a DVD made of physical hate.

The Freakin’ Sweet Collection is anything but. If you enjoy wasting money on DVDs, at least buy a used copy of this. Otherwise, save your money to waste on something more important. Like a charity fund that someone loses between the cushions of a couch.

White men can’t jump, but we invented physics and can defy them better than anyone else.

There used to be a grocery store called Delchamps where I used to live. Before it suffered that midlife crisis called bankruptcy, it offered rentals of Sega Genesis and Super Nintendo games. I rented games often – since I couldn’t build a permanent game library, renting different titles gave me enough variety to keep my Sega Genesis interesting. That’s good, because I got bored easily back then. The kids on my street only wanted to play games like baseball and tag. Never anything I wanted to play, like Escape From Auschwitz.

Renting games was risky business, though. A poison-tipped adventure. This was before the widespread use of the Internet. These days you’d pop on Google and look for game reviews before you plunked down cash. But in the 90s? All you had was game magazines and word of mouth, so I never knew what to expect. Would this game be awesome? Would it be terrible? Or it would be MORE terrible, like the Cold War if making nukes earned extra lives?

Guess which category The Gadget Twins falls into!

The answer is AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Published by GameTek and developed by a group of barnacles, The Gadget Twins stars two cartoon planes named Bop and Bump. You’ll know these planes well because the extremely creepy title screen will never let you forget. The plot is that the planes have to chase down a guy named Thump who stole an artifact called “The Magic Gem”. What a boring idea for a plot device. Maybe I’d care more if the artifact was something interesting. How about “The Magic Gem That Turns Into A Spaceship With Free Taco Bell Inside?”

The Gadget Twins uses a weird attack system. You have a gadget equipped to each of the four cardinal directions. Boxing gloves, claws, what have you. By pressing B, you switch clockwise to the next gadget. With some quick switching, you’ll be able to attack in different directions and fight enemies from all sides. Unfortunately, several things will make this more difficult, one of them being that you are currently playing The Gadget Twins.

Another is how you take damage from enemies. Unlike better Sega Genesis games, you don’t have any invincibility time between hits. This means that an enemy can run into you and drain your health bar in seconds as long as you touch. Since enemies are constantly flying at you, this will happen 300% of the time. It’s so bad, you might as well replace your health bar with a sign that says “OUT OF ORDER”.

And even if you actually kill the normal enemies, bosses are a different story. Below is a diagram of every potential weak point you can hit on the first boss in the game. Where do you think you’re supposed to hit this boss in order to do damage?

Answers we will not accept include “his daddy bags” or “his self-esteem”.

The true answer is that you can hit this guy in several places, but it seems like he absorbs tons of damage before losing health. Either that or you have to hit the boss in a certain pixel for it to work. This quickly becomes an equation of crumminess, considering you’ve got a dinky claw and the boss is jumping around with a claw attack long enough to strike children that haven’t even been conceived yet.

And if THAT wasn’t bad enough, the peppy music endlessly rages in the background, only changing SLIGHTLY for a boss. You’ll get caught on walls, coins spiral away like Scrubbing Bubbles if you don’t pick them up, and sometimes you’ll glitch and drop to HALF of your movement speed. “Did anyone TEST this game?” I questioned rhetorically, knowing full well the answer was a resounding “NO”. Nothing works here. The game is playable, but it’s like playing with a GI Joe after Cobra threw his arms in a prison camp near the driveway.

Fortunately, The Gadget Twins is an obscure game. I actually take a bizarre pride in discussing it on this blog. Like an ugly child that will make you millions on the sideshow circuit, without being bundled by crutches such as “compassion”. This doesn’t mean you should play it, though. The Gadget Twins sucks the big one as well as its children. Do something better with your time. Preferably away from the creepy child-sucking video game. I think John Walsh wants to talk to this guy.

WOW THIS IS A SPIFFY CARPET