Giant Robot Invasion! – Home of Comedy Writer Matt Willard

It always seem like I’m behind the gaming curve. When I finally got my hands on a PS2, for example, people were already playing their XBox 360s. I’m used to this by now. Even when I was a child, I could never hope to keep up with all the stuff my friends had. Hell, I was surprised that they already knew about the wheel.

Yet I stayed informed about the gaming world through magazines. After all, magazines are definitely cheaper than video game consoles. Reading about the latest developments was the only way for me to stay involved, and so I constantly poured through magazines like Electronic Gaming Monthly and InQuest Gamer. (InQuest Gamer covered Pokemon often, and if you read my previous article about it, you’d know that I had problems affording air, much less Pokemon stuff.)

But out of all of the gaming magazines I’ve read over the years, nothing has stood out for me quite like a little monthly called GamePro.

Back then GamePro was like no other magazine I had seen. It was bright and colorful, mixing attractive screenshots with lots of in-house artwork. And I mean lots. Cartoons were littered everywhere, mostly to break up the letters and gaming news sections. Even the number ratings for a game review were illustrated with pictures of zany heads. The reviewers weren’t immune either-instead of normal people, games were reviewed by fantastic personas like “Four-Eyed Dragon” and “Dan Elektro”. You know, I always liked the idea of a man with electric powers reviewing games. It’s good to have a hobby outside of getting your ass kicked by Spider-Man.

One of the big appeals of GamePro was its emphasis on helping players beat games. Remember, I read these in 1999. GameFAQs was only a few years old by this point, and the Internet wasn’t as widespread or as fast as it is today, so a lot of help on games still came from magazines and guides. I liked how GamePro spread full game walkthroughs over several issues. It was annoying when I only managed to get part one and part three of a walkthrough, though. It’s like if someone gave you a treasure map and glued a picture of some fat guy’s sweaty ass over the middle. You’ve got no choice but to do it blind.

Even the game reviews themselves had bits of strategy in the form of the ProTip. Screenshots were captioned with these little hints, so even without a strategy guide, you had a bit of help going in. A lot of people rag on the ProTip for giving obvious gameplay advice, but I can’t help but like them. They’re small and unforgettable. You know, just like things that suck your blood.

Besides strategy guides, the back of the magazine featured a buttload of cheat codes in a section called S.W.A.T. Pro. Apparently lots of people don’t know what S.W.A.T. stands for, since a reply to a letter in one issue declares that, “once and for all”, it stands for Secret Weapons and Tactics. Well, maybe if you picked a name that was easy to remember, you wouldn’t get this kind of flak. Why not something simpler, like “CodePro” or “CheatPro”? Or how about “Porsche”? Kids’ll remember that.

Now, even though I was mostly interested in the strategies, I made sure to read each issue from beginning to end. Well, most of the time. I didn’t give a crap about sports games or the latest gaming technology. Going back now, though, it’s strange to read about old game tech and know how well it did in the future. Remember when the Dreamcast was coming out? The first issue of GamePro I ever got ran a feature of it, and the last words of the article are, “Whether Dreamcast is Sega’s dream come true or its worst nightmare remains to be seen and played out…onscreen.” How prophetic those words turned out to be.

Then again, something tells me that the Dreamcast would’ve done better if Sega didn’t run ads telling players how much they sucked.

Eventually I quit reading GamePro after my local convienence store stopped carrying it. Since then I’ve drifted between Electronic Gaming Monthly and Game Informer, neither of which carried the same punch as my beloved magazine. However, GamePro has apparently made quite a few changes since I stopped reading it-not only are a lot of my favorite sections and features gone, but the ProTips and the editor personas have been dropped in an attempt to “get serious”. Although, let’s be fair-I don’t think anyone will miss a persona named “Bad Hare”.

Still, that’s a point I’d like to bring up. These days gaming is a major business and appeals to many people, but those people seem to forget about gaming’s roots as a niche purely intended for children. Gaming magazines reflected that. Sure, GamePro back in ’99 was silly and childish, but it matched the times, and that’s why it kicked ass. Some of you may look at these pictures and think, “Wow, that looks so awful”, but this is a different era. It may not be the prettiest one by your standards, but it was an essential part of the developing gaming industry, and so it deserves our respect.

Who knows? In twenty years, you may feel the same about the magazines and games you read now.
“You kids have it made! Our games were brown as hell and we liked it!”
“Hell is brown?”
“Yeah, and God calls it XBOX!”

Eventually I might pick up GamePro again. Maybe I’ll rediscover what made the magazine so awesome for me as a kid. Until then, I’ll remember GamePro for what it was used to be-silly, yet fun. Some gamers may have gotten the power with Nintendo Power, but as for me…I just have to say, “Game On, GamePros!”

(I’m sorry. That was horrible and I apologize. To make up for it, I will now enter a cave full of hungry ProTips.)

Absolute huge mondo thanks to 2xSlick, who graciously sent me some of his old GamePro issues for me to use.

You were a kid once, right? I sure hope so. Otherwise this might be awkward. In any case, as a kid you were probably introduced to the world of reading through picture books. They’re easy to read and have neat pictures, and when you’re little, that’s fine. But as an adult, have you ever reread a picture book from your childhood and realized just how stupid or bizarre it really was? I mean, let’s face it-Truffula Trees in “The Lorax” sound like the kind of plant you need to smoke if you want to draw like Dr. Seuss.

Anyway, since you know that I’m all about re-examining childhood, I’ve decided to take a new look at three picture books from my youth. The question: which book is the stupidest out of the lot? This is important information. I need to know which books will stimulate my son’s brain. Personally, he can’t get enough of Joseph Campbell’s “Robot Dinosaur with the Thousand Faces”.

This book was featured on Reading Rainbow, and if a book was on that show, I probably looked for it in my library at one point or another. I never did find “Germs Make Me Sick”, but I don’t think I’m too disappointed about that. Going back over it, I remember just how STRANGE it was. Just look at the first page!

What the hell is this? Are those germs, or gremlins? I like how the kid in the bed has only a passing interest in these nightmarish monsters. Meanwhile, the cat shouts a very helpful, “Go away!” Nice one, Fluffy. You know that’s not going to help at all. You might as well help out the gremlins. “Hey, he’s afraid of spiders and the sight of his own blood! Go get ‘im!”

Fluffy isn’t the only talking animal here. In fact, there’s a LOT of them in this book. I know that’s not uncommon in picture books, but in this one it just comes off as surreal. Animals are constantly giving commentary on what’s going on, and it’s treated like the most acceptable thing in the world. Then again, it’d test my patience if Bill O’Reilly started co-hosting with a Doberman named Ralph.

For me it’s too much when a tiger in the zoo notices a kid and goes, “That boy looks sick”. I don’t know about you, but if a tiger starting talking to me, I’d blame the disease as well. Or maybe I’m caught in some whimsical animated family adventure. If I ever get stuck in an animated film, I’m gonna find one of the cartoon animals and get his autograph. Chances are that he’ll be voiced by Bruce Willis, and that’s probably the closest I’ll ever get to him.

Talking animals aren’t the only weird things happening in these pictures. There’s this one part where this random girl criticizes a boy who’s about to eat a cookie, telling him that he should wash his hands before eating it. Who the hell are you, lady? Why should you care if my hands are clean or not? What are you, the Tidy Police? You gonna tase a black guy if he doesn’t use a napkin?

My favorite picture, however, is one that illustrates a way germs can slip into your body. You know how. If your friend sneezes and spreads her germs in the air, you’ll catch those germs if you breathe in. Fair enough. But how does a little girl spread germs to her friend in “Germs Make Me Sick”?

She snot-rockets RIGHT IN HIS FACE.

Well, GEE. I WONDER why you’d get sick from that. Strangely, the book doesn’t mention how you can stop germs from spreading when you sneeze: COVER YOUR MOUTH.

Overall, despite the strange pictures, the book does a good job in bringing icky science down to terms kids can understand. And hey-it was on Reading Rainbow. I can’t condemn it entirely. I just hope that the authors of this book write a follow up that talks about the bigger diseases in a child-friendly way. I mean, come on. Rather than talk to my daughter about HIV, it’d be so much easier if I could just hand her a book called “Do I Have To Use The Same Toilet As Alice?”.

This is one of those books where every page is made out of a thick board. That’s why this thing is only twelve pages and costs six bucks. I tell you, I’d better find an epic journey of love and loss in here. If I don’t get what I want, I’ll be so disappointed. And so will the hostages.

This book tells the tale of Emily Elizabeth, an extremely stupid girl who can’t seem to locate her giant two-story dog named Clifford. She notices everything else, like bunnies, children, and flowers, but she can’t find Clifford. It’s really bad when you notice that Clifford takes up about half of each page and hides behind objects that barely cover his leg. It shouldn’t be that hard to find him. Just find the places he’s marked with his scent. You’ll know when you’ve found one, because grass won’t grow there anymore.

Clifford is always behind Emily, so all she has to do is turn her head in the opposite direction. But it never occurs to her. At one point she just shrugs and walks off, failing to notice the red behemoth lurking behind a nearby truck.

Even the dog on the truck is pointing out Clifford for her!

Finally Clifford reveals himself, looking in on Emily’s window as she is put to bed. But she doesn’t care-she’s not even LOOKING at him.

This book promotes illresponsibility and a complete inability to look to the right. You need to keep better tabs on your dog, Emily. Besides, you need to tell us how you plan to take care of his waste. We can’t keep dumping it in the ocean. We just got off the phone with Namor and he’s pretty pissed off.

Ah, the classic tale of indentured servitude. Every time I read this book, I always have to feel for the kid running around and busting his butt for this mouse. And what does he get in return? It’s noticably not a hot chick. In a way, a relationship with a hot chick is like a Swiss army knife. They have multiple functions, but most of the time we use her to screw.

Of course, this is the kid’s fault to begin with. After he gives the mouse a cookie, the mouse keeps asking for more and more things, and the kid can’t bring himself to deny the request. Yes, it sucks to be far too nice for your own good. Some unscrupulous people can take advantage of that. First it’s borrowing money, then it’s asking for advice. Next thing you know, someone’s nailing you to a wooden cross, and you figure, “Well, just this once.”

To be fair, the mouse does pay him back by sweeping and washing the floors, but only because he gets “carried away”. I would love it if people I knew got “carried away”. Maybe then the house would get cleaned more often, and the lions would find somewhere else to hide.

But I’ll say this-that mouse can draw one hell of a picture.

Finally, the kid takes a nap right in the middle of all the stuff he took out of the cabinets to appease the mouse. Including, of course, an open carton of milk. That’ll be tasty after an hour or two, eh? After all, spoiled milk is basically yogurt that jumps the shark.

What gives me pause, though, are the books advertised on the inside cover. Apparently there are sequels to this story, with titles like “If You Take A Mouse to the Movies” and “If You Give A Pig A Pancake”. I’m not so sure about “If You Give A Moose A Muffin”, though. I just assume the moose would smack the muffin around under his lips while staring at you. But you wouldn’t do anything about it. No one likes to talk about the moose in the room.

Oh, sure, it promotes stupidity, but I like a book that’s only twelve pages long. It’s a good start until we American can invent a machine that reads for us. Since Emily is clearly an American who hates turning her head, the only way she’ll find Clifford is if he hides behind a Jack in the Box.

(Books are copyright their respective authors and publishers.)

>>>>> CLICK HERE TO READ PART ONE! <<<<<

When we last left the Bear Scouts, they had just discovered that local con-man Ralph Ripoff is organizing a rock rally for his employers, Moose Tobacco. This is bad news, because the scouts originally hoped that Ralph would help them organize a health rally that Beartown Hospital was planning. What’s worse is that both rallies are scheduled for the same weekend. At least they’ll both be held up by the third rally taking place that day, the 3rd Annual Mug-A-Thon. (I took my son last year. He was pretty familiar with it-that’s where I first got him.)

Brother realizes that the health rally won’t survive a head-to-head clash with Moose Tobacco, unless his plan to screw with the enemy worked. He returns to the Too-Tall Gang clubhouse and finds Too-Tall outside shooting free throws.

Too-Tall is mad that Brother skipped out of the initiation, but decides to play hoops with him anyway. After the rest of the gang appears, Too-Tall says that they’ll play half-court, but Brother pushes him into a full-court game instead. They play a hard fought match, running up and down until the gang collapses and begins gasping for breath. Personally, I like to save my breath. In about 20 years, I’ll have enough air to stay underwater for a week.

Brother rubs his victory in, telling the gang that they should play something that takes less wind like tic-tac-toe. This royally snaps Too-Tall’s chain-he claims that his gang could beat the Bear Scouts at anything, anytime. Brother remarks that it sounds like a challenge to a duel, and that he’ll think it over. If I ever get challenged to a duel, I’m going to pick Guess Who as my weapon. My opponents usually give up after I ask if their card is Jewish.

After Brother returns to the scouts, they trek back to the hospital where they can spot workers setting up for the rallies. The scouts meet up with Dr. Gert and Scout Leader Jane, as well as a character named Miss Stickler. They already know the scoop-Moose Tobacco’s rock rally is going to be held across the road at the old drive-in theater, and looks like it’s going to draw a lot of attention. Fortunately, I think we can get the newspaper to cover the health rally. We just need fifty fat guys who like walking around without clothes on.

Brother has an idea on how to make their rally more kickass, but before he can spill, Scout Leader Jane notices something outside. Everyone rushes to a window as a massive cover is pulled off the drive-in’s movie screen, revealing the full scope of Project X for the first time!

…a billboard that blows smoke rings? THAT’S it? THAT’S your big Project X? How is a billboard with a moose on it going to get kids to think smoking is cool? You know, I never understood the appeal of a smoking mascot to begin with. It’s obvious that the moose is a parody of Joe Camel, but was Joe Camel even all that successful to begin with? When would kids ever think that a smoking camel is cool? I think it’d be more effective if the velociraptors in Jurassic Park killed people and took their Marlboros.

But here’s my problem. The book makes a HUGE deal about Project X. It’s mentioned a few times earlier on, but otherwise it’s wrapped in secrecy until the big reveal. But I have to ask-why did you go through such lengths to conceal Project X when the damn thing is CLEARLY SHOWN ON THE COVER?

The billboard doesn’t surprise our heroes for long. They immediately launch a plan to transform the health rally into a dynamic force. Dr. Gert decides that they’ll need awesome prizes to counter what the rock rally is giving out, but since the hospital is low on money, she has to hit up people for donations. I like how Moose Tobacco has way more money than a freaking HOSPITAL. Maybe if the hospital sold more health insurance, they wouldn’t have to rely so much on donations. I’m sorry I haven’t purchased any-I don’t usually make it a point to jaywalk during lunch hour.

But Miss Stickler is on her own agenda. Since she can’t count on the air quality control board to stop Project X, she figures she has to take matters into her own hands. How? By trying to hack into the computer that controls the billboard, of course.

Fortunately, the health rally (redubbed “Healthorama!”) starts two hours ahead of its competition. As the rock rally’s scheduled time draws near, the scouts figure that maybe there’s nothing to worry about-no one even bothered to show up. However, their hopes are immediately ANNIHILATED when Ralph makes a grand entrance, complete with a brass band, the Too-Tall gang riding on a float, and-here’s the kicker-a guy on stilts smoking a three-foot-long cigarette.

Of course, Dr. Gert chucks us back into reality by saying, “It’s the Pied Piper all over again. Only this time he’s leading cubs to the death and disease caused by smoking.” You know, I don’t think you’re hammering the message in hard enough. I swear, kids would get the picture if they just read my new book: If You Smoke, I Am Waiting Inside This Book To Punch You.

This amazing entrance is enough to draw practically every single cub in Beartown over to the rock rally, even the cubs attending Healthorama. It makes sense, really. Most children wouldn’t consider a health rally to be exciting. It’s something their parents would take them to in some hope that their kids would get something out of it.

But you know kids never like these things. If adults took more time to communicate with their children, some of these mistakes could be easily avoided. “Hold on, you haven’t eaten in a week? Oh, man, I didn’t know. I was wondering why you kept stealing my BLTs.”

But Brother has one last effort to turn the day in his favor. He gets on a platform and uses the loudspeaker system to call out the Too-Tall Gang. Since the gang challenged the scouts to a duel, Brother says that they accept. Their weapon of choice? A relay race, pitting the four “Breath-Of-Life Bear Scouts” against the “smoking, choking Too-Tall Gang”. OH, SNAP! This juvenile taunt winds Too-Tall into a righteous fury. He accepts the challenge, and his crew charges over to Healthorama for what will no doubt be the most epic of

ProTip: You kinda have to be in good shape to win a relay race, and since Too-Tall and his gang inhale cigarette smoke like popcorn, their lungs clearly aren’t up to task. This victory is so astounding that all of the cubs toss away their Moose Tobacco prizes in exchange for Healtorama’s swag. But the fun isn’t over yet-to Ralph Ripoff’s horror, his beloved Project X stops blowing smoke rings and instead blows out letters, slowly spelling out “SMOKING KILLS”. Ralph climbs up behind the machinery to stop it, but only gets a gust of black smoke in his face for the trouble.

When asked about the sudden change, Miss Stickler simply expands on what she said earlier: “Any computer that can be programmed can be deprogrammed. And reprogrammed.” You know, for someone who’s so anal about air quality, the fact that Miss Stickler actually hacked into a billboard earns her my respect. I think she should pass this knowledge onto underprivileged inner-city kids. It’ll be like that movie Stand and Deliver, except near the end, they empty the bank accounts of retired veterans.

In any case, this dose of no-smoking power is enough to cancel the rock rally and keep Healthorama running for the entire weekend, supported by the outright sabotage that our heroes have committed. The scouts get a merit badge for public health, and to celebrate their victory, they get an unofficial badge as well.

So did I learn anything about smoking? You betcha. I learned that no one ever shuts up about it. Throughout this whole book, the moral gets crammed down our throats, carried along by characters who either harp on smoking or act like mustache-twirling assholes. Do you really think kids want to get nagged like this? Of course not. They’re people too and they don’t deserve to be patronized. If you treat them with respect, they’ll be more open to what experienced adults have to say. After all, when a teenager starts drinking, he might as well learn how from someone who’s been doing it all his life.

The Berenstain Bears and I have a small history together. I’ve only read a few of their books, but there’s one particular Berenstain Bears book that stands out to me the most. I think I first got this book in fifth grade. It’s definitely not geared to a fifth grade reading level-it’s one of those easy novels you give kids when they want to move past picture books and aren’t clever enough to hide the books with sex scenes from you yet.

From what I can tell, this was part of some national effort to raise awareness about smoking. The idea that these books exist across the United States is bad enough, but you can imagine my surprise when I discovered that my young cousin had this book in her room. Are they still giving this out to students? I swear, it’ll be making the rounds even when we’re living in space and getting high on marijuana in a tube.

But enough talk. It’s time to raise the nostalgia shields and take a fresh look at The Berenstain Bear Scouts and the Sinister Smoke Ring.

The story begins with three Bear Scouts out of four-Lizzy, Fred, and Sister. Yes, one of the bears is named Sister. What’s the name of her brother? You guessed it-Brother. It’s bad enough that everyone’s last name is something like “Bear” or “Bruin”, but come on. Brother and Sister? It makes no sense. Why are these two particular bears called Brother and Sister? I think that would just be confusing. Do they have to use nametags whenever Sister enters a convent?

In any case, Sister is worried about her brother. Recently he’s developed a mean streak that reminds Sister of someone she knows. Before she can figure out who, the scouts hear a commotion and decide to investigate, finding a group of protestors swarming around a patch of tobacco handled by a local farmer.

Of course, the book never explains why the protestors decided to attack this single, tiny patch of tobacco, but does it really matter? Any good cause is worth fighting for. You DARE forget my sauce, Taco Bell? Until I get an apology for this error, I will never eat anything from your restaurant again. From now on, I’m choking my arteries at Wendy’s.

Police bears soon arrive to handle the situation. After the protestors leave, Sister confides in the other two scouts. Brother’s recent attitude, this mention of tobacco…there’s no doubt about it. Brother’s been hanging out with the notorious Too-Tall Gang!

This is clearly a job for old people, so the scouts rush to find Gramps Bear and tell him all about their problem. Gramps thinks up a quick plan and figures that he’d better get a move on if he’s to “accidentally” run into Brother. That’s the cool thing about grandfathers in books and movies-they always know how to solve any problem their grandchildren may have.
“Billy, what’s the matter?”
“Aliens are invading Earth, Grandpa.”
“Come on, let’s get some ice cream. We’ll talk about it on the way.”

Meanwhile, Brother leaves the Too-Tall Gang’s clubhouse. It’s only temporary, though-he has to return later to start his initiation. It’s the kind of initiation you’d expect for a gang of jerks-steal car parts, set off stink bombs, and (unsurprisingly) smoke ten cigarettes in less than an hour. Aren’t these guys in fifth grade or something? Where the hell did they get cigarettes from?

What’s sad is that Too-Tall wouldn’t even be smoking now if his father gave him the love and support he needed. But Too-Tall never even sees his father. They always need him over at the tobacco company.

So Brother “accidentally” runs into Gramps, and Gramps drives Brother home while unloading a story about how awesome his old gang was. He asks if Brother wants to visit some of his old gang-member friends. Brother agrees, but the joke’s on him-Gramps actually takes him to a cemetery.

Brother finds out that Gramps’ old friends actually died from lung cancer, and Gramps figures that half of the graveyard were filled by cigarettes. Look, a lecture isn’t going to change his mind, Gramps. If you want to point someone’s life in a certain direction, you need an emotional frame of reference. Do it like Batman did-shoot his parents, then tell him that cigarettes pulled the trigger.

Since Brother needs to meet up with the other scouts for their scout meeting, Gramps drops him off at Beartown Hospital. They all go inside and meet up with Scout Leader Jane and her friend, Dr. Gert. (Is a Gert another form of bear? It sounds like a monster Mario would step on.)

Dr. Gert takes the scouts through her “Horrors of Smoking” exhibit. She plans to show it at the health rally she’s organizing in order to dissuade young bears from smoking. Of course, Dr. Gert’s ideas for the rally are extremely frumpy and boring, so they need to figure out how to kick things up if they want their message to stand out. The scouts decide that only one bear could make a health rally seem exciting-Ralph Ripoff.

Okay. Stop right here. You know that this is a world where everyone’s name reflects their main trait. Too-Tall is tall, Brother and Sister are related, so on and so forth. Do you really think that doing business with someone named Ralph Ripoff won’t backfire at all?

I mean, would have anyone done business with Hitler if they knew his name was going to be synonymous with ultimate evil? “Mr. Hitler, I’m sorry, but it’s corporate policy to shoot you if you ever apply for insurance.”

The scouts go up to Ralph’s houseboat, and since he’s not there, it’s the perfect opportunity to poke through his stuff. They flip through a presentation book in the corner and discover a shocking truth-it turns out Ralph is actually working for the biggest producer of cigarettes in town, Moose Tobacco! His plan? To revise Moose Tobacco’s image and make young cubs think that smoking is hip and cool! Although the scouts could’ve figured that out by the new slogan-”Lung Cancer: It’s The New Black!”

Before the scouts can figure out what to do, Ralph comes back to the houseboat and offers them four free tickets to the Moose Tobacco rock rally he’s planning. To make things worse, the rock rally’s being held on the same day of the health rally! Ralph also mentions a certain “Project X”, an attraction so righteous that he dubs it The Eighth Wonder of the World. You know, it’s pretty arrogant to assume your creation’s the Eighth Wonder of the World. I mean, we got cocky when we made the atomic bomb, but you know how guys like to top each other.

Now the scouts are in trouble. Can they jazz up the health rally in time to meet Moose Tobacco’s rally head-on? What is the mysterious Project X, and will it end up creating little girls with superpowers? Whatever happens, it’s so epic that it can’t be contained in one post! Make sure to tune in next week for the exciting conclusion!

Until then…smoke if you got ‘em.

>>>>> CLICK HERE TO READ PART TWO! <<<<<

I loved watching the Fox Kids cartoon block while growing up. Their shows just seemed more exciting and memorable than anything the other channels offered. Plus, the block always felt larger than life. You could argue that Fox Kids was more successful than One Saturday Morning or whatever CBS had-after all, Fox did bring us Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers, as well as animated shows from Warner Brothers that would eventually move to their own channel. Fox Kids respectfully used the air time previously occupied by these shows to air a cartoon about cockroaches.

At one point, Fox Kids had a magazine. When I was growing up, I knew that they had one, but I never could get my hands on any issues. Fortunately, a blogger named Vinnie Rattolle has gone out of his way to offer a scan of the August 1995 issue in PDF format. It’s totally awesome-I finally have the opportunity to dig into this undiscovered part of my childhood and check out a magazine I’ve always wanted to own. Your name may sound a bit suspicious, Vinnie, but I really appreciate what you’ve done. As payment, here are my keys, so you don’t have to work so hard when you knife me and jack my car.

The big feature of this issue is an interview with Boys II Men, a band I didn’t care about even when they were popular. The magazine uses this opportunity to promote a contest from McDonalds-if you won, you’d get an exclusive Boys II Men concert for your school. Fox Kids was always promoting these wacky contests-later in the issue they talk about winners of previous contests, spotlighting a 10 year old boy who actually won a Camaro. Is that even LEGAL? My favorite, however, is the 7 year old girl who won a crapload of Street Sharks toys along with a trip to an aquarium. It’s pretty obvious that all she wanted was that trip. The Street Sharks toys probably got passed to her brother, who acted out exciting adventures like “Danger in the Submerged Mines” and “Everyone Beats Up Bobby Horton For Making Fun of Me”.

Fortunately, the entire issue isn’t a Boys II Men-stravaganza. There are other embarassing features as well, such as a two-page spread where Spider Man encourages you to make nightmarish pictures with clips from old photos. Then there’s the ridiculously short comic about The Adventures of Batman and Robin which basically unfolds like this:

-Batman and Robin go into an abandoned fun house.
-Robin gets captured by the Joker and tied up in a chair.
-Joker declares that he wants Batman to find him.
-READ NEXT ISSUE TO FIND OUT THE EXCITING CONCLUSION

It’s bad enough when a normal magazine does this, but with a discontinued magazine, it’s even worse. How does Robin escape? Will he free himself and defeat Joker by using the skills Batman has taught him? Or will he be content to sit there and wait for Batman to fall into Joker’s obvious trap? Who knows! I don’t. They want me to check in the next issue to find out. It’s like when you’re watching a show and they break for commercials. I hate it. And now I hate how everyone looks like they’re having fun drinking Pepsi.

Of course, since this is a kid’s magazine, it’s full of games. Most of them are crammed near the back in a section called Fuddlements, but some of them are scattered around the magazine to fill it out. It’s really sad when I look at some of the games and I can’t immediately solve them. I mean, they’re for kids, right? Why do I actually have to think them out? I shouldn’t be wasting my brain power on stuff like this. I should be using it to invent more machines that make our lives easier and do things for us that we hate to do, like exercise.

But there are some puzzles I can solve, like this Carmen Sandiego-themed one. It looks pretty easy. Even better-if I solve it, it’ll tell me where Carmen Sandiego is headed next. That’s a pretty good deal. After all, we all know ACME couldn’t find her even if she showed up on their front doorstep and shot them with an atlas launcher.

Ha! Is this it? A simple substitution cipher? Since O stands for N in this cipher, it’s easy to conclude that each letter in this code stands for the one that precedes it! Really, I was hoping for a more interesting challenge for my genius intellect. You know, a challenge that’s fun to solve, unlike world hunger.

Okay, let’s write in each letter and figure out where Carmen Sandiego is heading next!

Not even the CIPHER can find her! You are so fired.

But no magazine for kids is entirely fun and games. They’re always looking for sneaky ways to educate us as well. Of course, these sneaky educational asides figure that, if a beloved Fox Kids character tells us boring facts, we’ll pay more attention. This may work when the Blue Ranger rambles about how we shouldn’t dick with the environment, but are kids really going to pay attention when they start talking about bloomers? You have to spice it up and draw their interest if you want them to learn something. For example, try reading it during a car crash.

The most obvious bait-and-switch comes from an article about crop circles. It mentions that some people theorize that crop circles are created by aliens, and what better way to lead into an article about alien activity than to slip in a shoutout to Fox Kids’s latest show, Masked Rider?

Yes…Masked Rider, the show that ignored everything good about its Japanese counterpart Kamen Rider to become an asinine sitcom involving aliens and adopted families and a fuzzy duck creature called Ferbus. It pissed off the creator of Kamen Rider so much that no adaptations of his work were allowed until 2009′s Kamen Rider: Dragon Knight, and to get THAT greenlit, the producers had to ace a quiz about Kamen Rider’s legacy. This was reasonable, of course. I can tell you with full honesty that Masked Rider was a painfully stupid show, and I used to watch a show called Big Bad Beetleborgs.

Finally, I have to talk about the advertisements. Most of the ads in this magazine are pretty standard, but there are two in particular I have to address. One of them is for dolls that I never even knew existed until I saw the ad. You can imagine my surprise when I discovered…Power Rangers dolls for girls.

I mean, seriously. Who sat down and thought, “hey, let’s make a doll playset based on Power Rangers!” Did this kind of stunt even work? If you saw a girl playing with dolls, you know it’s probably gonna be a doll that you would actually see a girl playing with. Yet they try to sell this thing with words that might work if I wasn’t staring at dolls wearing spandex jumpsuits. It says you can have fun brushing their hair, putting on different outfits, and doing gymnastics on the balance beam. Look, the only gymnastics we want to do with our Power Rangers toys is to have them perform flying missile dropkicks on their enemies. Then they need to team up with Triple H to fight Godzilla, otherwise the entire free world as we know it is toast.

The other ad is an ad for Cap’n Crunch, with entries from the captain’s diary about a kid named Tim. It seems normal at first, but then you take a closer look at the entries:

MONDAY: Took Tim his favorite cereal, Cap’n Crunch.
TUESDAY: Helped Tim with speech…We had a bowl of my delicious cereal.
WEDNESDAY: Tim’s speech is getting better…Brought Tim 2 more boxes of Crunch.
THURSDAY: …cleaned my room. Have to stop eating my cereal in bed.

Look, I know the Cap’n supposed to like this stuff, but I didn’t know he loves THAT much. He’s practically shoving the crap in Tim’s mouth. Who the hell brings kids excessive amounts of cereal and even admits to eating it in bed? I don’t know, but he’s 32 and still sleeps in the basement.

So that’s the Fox Kids magazine. Sure, it’s painfully obvious that it was made in the 90s, but since it’s a relic of the awesome Fox Kids cartoon block, I’m willing to forgive. Hell, I would’ve loved to have this magazine growing up. I’m glad I had the opportunity to take a look at it, and I hope more issues emerge in the future.

Once again, big props to Vinnie Rattolle for scanning this issue. If you need any favors, just say the word. Maybe you need help moving your couch, or setting up a new computer. Hell, maybe Kino’s squealed on you for the last time. Anything at all-I’m your man.