Giant Robot Invasion! – Home of Comedy Writer Matt Willard

NOTE: Most of the screencaps in this article are VHS quality, since there aren’t any Samurai Pizza Cats DVDs to get truly high-quality images from. Please forgive their appearance!

Samurai Pizza Cats aired at five AM on UPN. I have no flippin’ idea why. Believe you me, I tried hard to catch it on TV with minimal success. I know they had to fill the timeslot, but who the hell sticks a cartoon on at five in the morning? Nobody’s gonna watch it. Why not put stuff there that people don’t want to see anyway, like The Test Pattern Show featuring Alzheimer’s and Teen Mom?

I hope other kids didn’t have to sacrifice their sleep just to watch this show. Samurai Pizza Cats deserved its viewers. While lots of children probably got exposed to them wacky Japanese anime cartoons through Pokemon, Samurai Pizza Cats opened the door a bit early for me. Like I was chosen to witness the anime phenomenon before it swamped America. Yeah, great choice. Give the burden to a miserable kid who only got to play hopscotch in grade school if he agreed to be the course.

Now, Samurai Pizza Cats is the English-dubbed version of a Japanese cartoon called Kyatto Ninden Teyandee. (Yes, it sounds just as ass-backwards as you’d expect.) Even then it was still a comedic show. But when Saban (the guys behind Power Rangers) brought Kyatto Ninden over to America, they sorta forgot the original Japanese scripts. Last time I checked, you need those to dub a show. What happened, guys? Did you just forget those scripts while you where in Japan? Figured they’d just call you when they were done looking around Akihabara?

Akihabara - Yes, We’re THAT Ridiculous

So, without any scripts to translate, what did the writers do? Like true Americans, they made a bunch of crap up, and suddenly Samurai Pizza Cats became a VERY different adaptation. Loaded with pop culture references and wacky dialogue, Samurai Pizza Cats subverted the typical dub job with a tire iron. And that’s why we’re looking at this today. People only give a crap about Kyatto Ninden because Samurai Pizza Cats made the concept a lot more interesting. You know how Hemingway said that the first draft of anything is shit? Sorry, Kyatto Ninden – this monkey wants to fling something, and you’re not helping this jungle’s feng shui.

The show takes place in Little Tokyo, a mishmash of terrifying robot animals and terrifying Japanese culture. One robot animal, The Big Cheese, constantly tries to overthrow the emperor with an array of humongous war machines. It’s up to the Samurai Pizza Cats to stop him from succeeding. The formula stays pretty basic, but an array of quirky characters spice things up. Let’s take a look at the primary players, shall we?

Speedy Cerviche
Saying he’s the leader of the Samurai Pizza Cats is generous, considering he’s probably dumber than The Happening. (Oh, SNAP!) Still, his job is Action Hero McFightyMan, and in most cultures, that equals screen time. When not working with the other Pizza Cats in their neat pizza parlor, he fights off chumps with his katana. To finish off the big enemies, he pulls an extra sword from his scabbard and slashes with them both to fire a huge energy wave. When I was a kid, I used this move to defeat imaginary enemies. when you try it as an adult, though, customer service enemies aren’t too impressed.

Guido Anchovy
Do you have breasts? Then Guido wants to feel them. This cat is constantly looking to spread a cute girl’s eagle. (And in this show, that girl could very well BE an eagle.) While Guido doesn’t limit his creepy playboy vibe to a single woman, he’s probably most in love with a lovely ram named Lucille. Unfortunately, Speedy loves Lucille too, so the two often fight over who exactly gets to ram the ram. His main weapon is the Sunspot Umbrella. Don’t worry, there’s a blade hidden within the handle. They seriously wouldn’t expect someone to fight and win with just an umbrella. He’s fighting trained minions, not trained wives who are hiding in the closet because dinner was too cold for their spouse.

Polly Esther
A popular Japanese trope is to have the men act so stupid that a smart woman has to come in and act like a bitch to take control. Come to think of it, that also happens in America more often than I care for. Either way, Polly Esther fills the role of Angry McScreamFace here. Of course, as the token girl, she’s saddled with pink armor and a love motif in her weapons. It’s so nice to see how progressive cartoons were in the 90s. Then again, this is a decade that brought us Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, with a girl that turned into a tomato whenever she touched salt. Women, right? All they’re good for is making themselves into their own BLT!

The Big Cheese
Okay, his first name is Seymour, but let’s face it – whenever you hear that, you think of a elementary school principal with mommy issues. The Big Cheese is the Obviously Evil Prime Minister who wants to overthrow the Emperor and take control. He does this by coming up with tons of stupid plans that would never work in real life. Come on, man. Having the bad guys play the good guys in a game of baseball? Why don’t you just put the fate of Little Tokyo on four square while you’re at it? “I win the shopping district!” “Nuh uh, it has to go over the line!”

Bad Bird
The leader of the Ninja Crows, or as I like to call them, Easily Mistaken For Punching Bags. Seriously, these guys are WEAK. They’re probably bigger chumps than most minions are. Bad Bird can fight, at least, but even Speedy kicks his butt every time they rumble. Later he decides to become a good guy, dubbing himself “Good Bird”. Not bad – his name lets you know that he’s a good guy without any second guessing. We should name stuff like that in real life so you’d know what to expect. Instead of “motorcycle”, you’d call it “Risky Kill Yourself Machine”. Instead of “Miranda”, you’d call her “Out Of Your League Lass”.

With these and other characters, combined with all the pop culture references, you get a pretty goofy show. You already know you’re in for a ride when the theme song implies the Cats are better than the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Pretty ballsy, especially since TMNT still gets new cartoons and the most the Pizza Cats get is an article on a pretentious comedy blog.

Really, I’d be more concerned with all of the moronic plans The Big Cheese tries out. Giant robots are nice, mind you, but then there’s the genius baseball scheme I mentioned above. My favorite is when he decides to stop the Pizza Cats from ever meeting by going back in time with a Paul McCartney robot.

You think I’m making this up, don’t you?

Okay, I’m pretty sure Paul McCartney never had a beak, but Yellow Submarine was pretty crazy-wack already, so hey, why not?

Of course, when a series approaches the final episode, most villians just go “screw it” and try a final, risky gambit to win it all. The Big Cheese naturally screws this up by redirecting a giant meteor to fly towards Little Tokyo. By the way, did I mention The Big Cheese was a GIANT TIT? Who the hell thinks dropping a meteor on the place WHERE THEY LIVE smacks of tactical brilliance? What else does it say to do in that chapter of The Art of War, set your men on fire and launch them with catapaults? What do they call that, the “Human Torch Gambit”?

Naturally, it’s up to Speedy and the reformed Bad Bird to take their giant cat robot into space and destroy the meteor. The situation is dramatic enough for Polly to realize that she’s actually loved Speedy all along. Ah, another classic Japanese cartoon trope – the girl only screams at you and beats the crap out of you because she loves you. It’s definitely not because she’s 100% grade A BONKERS, that would just be stupid.

But the supposed strength of this show is the dialogue. And after all this time, does it hold up? My inner comedy-writing prude says “no”. I realize this show was written for a younger audience, but since most of the humor relies on wackiness and references, it doesn’t do a lot for me anymore. I think a much stronger parody could’ve been made if the writers gave everyone more solid personalities and let the jokes arise from that. Then again, without the original scripts for cross-reference, I admit this would’ve been a lot harder. You make do with what you’ve got.

Still, Samurai Pizza Cats is worth watching, at least for educational purposes. Remember, this was a show that turned all the conventions on its ears and created something more memorable than the original product. You anime fans should check it out, and normal cartoon junkies should watch a few episodes to get an idea of how Samurai Pizza Cats established its own kind of niche. Who knows – you might learn something. Preferably, it’s a lesson about dumping meteors onto places that actually deserve it. I’ve always thought PETA headquarters could use a makeover. “Body by The Finger of God.”

Well, I’m glad THIS scene was finally animated, the world was really missing out!

This week we’re taking a look at Family Guy: The Freakin’ Sweet Collection. I received this DVD one year as a birthday present. Yeah, it’s not much, but since my birthday is so close to Christmas, my family usually saves all the big presents for then. I’ve gotten used to it. Except when they bought me a dog for my birthday and decided to hide it with all the other presents in the attic.

These days, though, I’ve stopped watching Family Guy because it’s gotten terrible. It may have been saved from cancellation, but the team behind that rescue mission forgot to throw quality a life preserver. This DVD came out before it came back, though, and it does have a decent episode or two. But now the question is this: do these episodes still hold up from when I originally watched the show? We’ll see if they’re cut from the right cloth, and not just the stuff they used for Lady Gaga’s fire bra.

Open the DVD up and you get the disc (which is hopefully a standard feature of DVDs) and a simple flyer. Static picture of the Family Guys on front, episode descriptions on back. I’m surprised they even sprung for a piece of paper in this thing. I mean, the show had tons of fans after its cancellation. They could’ve thrown anything in there and fans would’ve bought it, even a Post-It that said “IOU 1 More Season”.

I hear you can also do this on the London Underground.

The DVD has an attractive and colorful menu, and offers special features for each of the five episodes, handpicked by Seth MacFarlene as his favorites. One episode, “Road to Rhode Island”, even features Seth in-character as Brian and Stewie doing commentary. It’s a good touch. And for 15 bucks, you could do a lot worse. Here’s a hint: go to Amazon.com and type in “rob schneider”.

But enough about that. Let’s take a look at the episodes themselves.

When You Wish Upon A Weinstein
After Peter realizes that he’s bad with money, he gets a Jewish man named Max Weinstein to help him out. Noticing how successful Weinstein is, Peter decides to make Chris Jewish on the hopes that he’ll become successful, too. This episode was unique at the time because it hadn’t aired on TV due to how it mocked the Jewish faith. The fact that Peter wishes for his own Jew doesn’t help, either. Look, Peter, you’ll have to be creative to get a Jew. This isn’t World War II. There are no more one-stop shops for your Jewish needs.

Road To Rhode Island
Brian flies out to Palm Springs to take Stewie home from a visit to his grandmother. When they lose their luggage and flight tickets, they have to travel across America to get back to Rhode Island. This is a parody of those old “Road” movies with Bing Crosby and Bob Hope, and it’s actually pretty funny and well-written. Not sure who’s supposed to be Crosby and who’s supposed to be Hope, though. Let’s see…does Stewie comes out holding a golf club or does he take it to beat family members with?

“Going My Own Way” by Brian Griffin

To Love And Die In Dixie
Chris IDs an armed robber who breaks out of jail. To make sure he doesn’t get to Chris, the family moves down south as part of the Witness Protection Program. By this time in Family Guy history, the offensive train has rolled in – Southeners are portrayed as hillbillies who put on a play where the Confederacy wins the Civil War. Me, I’m more offended that they’re still using the tired hillbilly gag. Still, I’m willing to forgive them and bury the hatchet…preferably in the organ they use to pee.

I Am Peter, Hear Me Roar
Peter is forced to go to a women’s retreat after making sexual comments at work. Unfortunately, he gets in touch with his feminine side too well and becomes a prancing man wuss. Only a catfight between Lois and another woman gets him to snap back to normal. Again, there’s nothing inventive about making Peter act like a prissy woman, though there’s a disgusting bit or two to throw you off. I just wish the cat fight was more interesting. Personally, I want to see two women fight with mixed martial arts. They’ll still be moaning, but only because it’ll take months for that arm to look normal again in a long-sleeved shirt.

Lethal Weapons
Peter makes Lois feel useless, so she takes up Tae-Jitsu to become stronger. This brings anger into the household, so the family tries anger management to calm down. It fails and the family beats the crap out of each other near the end. This is all very tasteful, I said with dripping sarcasm. “Lethal Weapons” would be the worst episode on this disc if it didn’t have a few great scenes, like Brain and Stewie’s exchange during anger management. So it’s like you’re eating ice cream full of syringes. Mmmmm! Ben and Jerry’s “Tetanus Sea Salt”!

Tell me if you’ve heard this one before: two guys walk into a Lois, and…

And now we return to the question I asked earlier: did these episodes hold up NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Most of these episodes are terrible. “Road to Rhode Island” is the best, and even “Weinstein” manages to pass, but the other three just suck. It’s amazing that, even this early in Family Guy‘s life, it was already sliding downhill into a big pile of I Am Not Trying Anymore. The Simpsons might be running out of steam now with over twenty seasons, but even some of their worst episodes DESTROY the stuff on this disc. And The Simpsons is a franchise where they decided to flash Bart Simpson’s penis, even though his little general had clearly never won a battle.

Now, with the advent of free episodes online, there’s no reason to buy this DVD for a taste of Family Guy. But assuming you saw this in Best Buy and you had no idea what the show was about, is this a good introduction? Well, yes, it is if you think your life is too positive and could use some misery to balance out the equation. Besides that, you’d get the same effect if they ever came out with a DVD made of physical hate.

The Freakin’ Sweet Collection is anything but. If you enjoy wasting money on DVDs, at least buy a used copy of this. Otherwise, save your money to waste on something more important. Like a charity fund that someone loses between the cushions of a couch.

White men can’t jump, but we invented physics and can defy them better than anyone else.

I first experienced Mortal Kombat around eight or nine years old. One day Mom came home from the grocery store with a brand-new rental for our Sega Genesis: Mortal Kombat II. Cue a traumatized little boy discovering just how many ways your bones and blood can leave your body and go on vacation. Fortunately, Mom caught her mistake and quickly exchanged the rental for something more friendly. That turned out to be Puggsy, a game about a fat, orange alien throwing fish at enemies. Well, you know what they say. “Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Throw a fish at someone’s face, and if you’re in the right country, he’ll choose pistols at dawn.”

But now that I’m older, I can look past the excessive carnage and realize the truth behind Mortal Kombat: it’s a pretty stupid franchise. That’s fine and dandy in the video games, since they’ve always been about the violence. But what happens when you’re forced to tone it down for a movie or a television adaptation? At that point you have to rely on the actual plot and, well, saying that Mortal Kombat‘s plotline can be insulting is like surviving the Titanic disaster only to get reimbursed with a seven-night stay on the S.S. Vulnerable.

Speaking of a Mortal Kombat movie, the first live-action film definitely had the problems I mentioned. Weak plot, excessive filler, bad characterization. Typical video-game movie fare. Still, the film entertained me, and that’s why I can’t entirely hate it. It’s not a great film, but if you were to catch it on TV and you like popcorn flicks, you could do a lot worse.

Of course, after watching today’s abomination, I can’t imagine how anyone would take a risk on the theatrical showing. It’s a 54 minute video designed to hype you up for the film by using an amazing blend of animation, computer graphics, and motion capture to suck you into the realm of Mortal Kombat. It’s also a college course called “Mortal Kombat 101″, a never-ending infodump about Mortal Kombat‘s history that will bore the crap out of hair. It’s also a prime example of how to release a cartoon animated by howler monkeys, all of whom are revealed at the end of the episode to be blind and deceased. It’s awful, atrocious stuff that challenges the value of life. Probably why you can now find it in a set of teaching materials called “Hooked On Nihilism”.

And since humans are incapable of pronouncing its true name, we just call it Mortal Kombat: The Journey Begins.

…To Suck Right About Here

This thing is so awful that only a bribe can convince me to watch it. After the first title card, a narrator promises that “hidden clues to Mortal Kombat 3 await you”. Okay, makes sense. Mortal Kombat 3 was released in the same year, so it’s only natural that this video would catch a ride on that game’s popularity. Too bad it’s not worth watching this video all the way through. Don’t worry – you’ll find out what I mean soon enough. See that dot in the distance? That’s one of its eyes.

The scene changes to the silhouette of some dragon creature flying over clouds as a voice explains Mortal Kombat. Basically, it’s a martial arts tournament held between the realm of Earth and another dimension called Outworld. If Outworld wins ten tournaments in a row, then their armies can invade Earthrealm. They’ve won nine so far – this tournament is Earth’s last chance to fend off the Outworld menace. It’s gonna be hard, though. Outworld’s warriors are pretty tough. Nothing shakes them. Hell, they thought Scream was a romance.

The camera pans to a boat occupied by three of Earthrealm’s chosen fighters – a monk named Liu Kang, a Hollywood action star named Johnny Cage, and a Special Forces agent named Sonya Blade. They stand around, and, uh…

Oh boy. That fills you with hope, doesn’t it? Not only does this single screen look like crap, but it throws open your mind, allowing you to instantly realize that the entire video will look just as horrible, with zero chance of redemption. Everything in the realm of this video has become clear, leaving no surprise. In short, this screen is Instant Microwave Enlightenment.

Anyway, Sonya’s trying to get her radio to work. She wants to call her superiors, since she got on the boat to look for a criminal. (While this does play a role in the overall Mortal Kombat universe, it’s never touched on again in this video, so excuse me for not caring.) She storms up to the captain’s room for answers, but the door is blocked by a blue ninja named Sub Zero who freezes up her arm. While mildly amusing, it’s ultimately pointless as the captain comes out anyway. He explains that his name is Shang Tsung and that he’s the tournament master. Apparently he’s also kidnapped the sun, since his room is ridiculously bright for no reason.

Tonight on Fox: World’s Worst Shadow Puppets

Shang Tsung then uses psychic powers to pick up Liu Kang and Johnny for absolutely no reason. The heroes are surprisingly mellow about this, and after Shang Tsung goes back into his room with Sub Zero, they get distracted and wander off like pigeons. Then Shang Tsung comes right back out of his room for…some reason and tells Sub Zero to rough up the Earth fighters so Outworld can win the tournament more easily. Well, if you’re gonna stoop to that level, why even bother with the tournament at all? Just go up and say, “Okay, here’s the roster. Johnny Cage, you’ll be fighting this .45 automatic. Sonya Blade, you’ll square off against the inside of an iron maiden. And Liu Kang, your opponent is the undefeated champion, this F-14 Tomcat.”

So as Sub Zero walks over to attack the Earth fighters, Shang Tsung begins talking to another ninja called Scorpion, who is hiding above Shang Tsung behind some crates. Where’d he come from? Who the hell knows. Shang Tsung tells Scoprion to help Sub Zero deal with the Earth fighters, because if they kill Sub Zero, then Scorpion can’t get his revenge on him. Again, that’s an important tidbit, and for some reason that’s the plot point they bother to explain later on. You’re being really picky about what parts of the storyline to explore here, you know. You have to develop all your scenes – you can’t just develop the ones you like. You don’t see someone writing to a famous director and going, “Hey, you remember that car chase in your last film? I love that scene. Could you release a director’s cut where you repeat that twenty more times and then roll the credits?”

Now I’m desperate for some action, which the fight scene between the ninjas and the Earth fighters naturally fails to deliver. It doesn’t even deserve a GED, it’s that bad. Disjointed movement, lots of unneccessary slowdown, random yelling, inconsistent animation…it’s just completely atrocious. Let me demonstrate this with a simple screenshot.

This screenshot was not taken in mid-transistion between frames. This is literally how it was presented in the video. How did this even make it to the final cut? There’s no way anyone could have considered this scene to be good or finished. I guess no one raised an issue about it due to company rules. Especially the one that keeps the suggestion box hanging around the company tiger’s neck.

Eventually Scorpion launches a bladed rope from his wrist and wraps it around Sonya. However, as he pulls her in, a bolt of lightning destroys the rope, and a new figure teleports down onto the ship. Liu Kang recognizes him as the thunder god Raiden. Sonya claims that this doesn’t make any sense, and Johnny replies, “Who cares if it makes any sense?” Raiden says that Johnny should care, and hits him with a field of energy that makes him jiggle like Jello. Then he shouts “SILENCE!” for absolutely no reason.

Okay, who scripted this? That exchange didn’t follow any logical path at all. Be honest with me, video. Are you giving your script what it needs to grow into a coherent plot? Or were you lying when you told me it was a Flinstones Kid?

Shang Tsung comes out of his AMAZINGLY BRIGHT ROOM and Raiden accuses him of ambushing the Earthrealm fighters, which is against the rules of the tournament. Shang Tsung pretty much goes “nope” and walks back into his room. Well, THAT was a satisfying and worthwhile conclusion to the fight. Good thing they cut out that death-defying backgammon scene – that would’ve been too much.

I am still amazed I found this photo at a site called “extreme-backgammon.net“.

Of course, now that Raiden is here, the video instantly takes a nosedive into the deepest levels of crap. Sure, it sucked to begin with, but at least you could gain a sense of security by figuring, “hey, it could be worse”. Well, Raiden “It Gets Worse” Thunder God is here to challenge that security. His role is to answer any questions the Earthrealm fighters have about the tournament, and since they just fought a guy who can shoot ice out of his hands, it’d make sense that they want to learn they can.

Unfortunately, that’s practically ALL THEY DO for the rest of the video. Backstory exposition isn’t bad, per se, but using too much too often WILL bore people. Mortal Kombat: The Journey Begins does this in spades, a royal flush, and a full house by having Raiden constantly lecture about the tournament’s history. At least you can poke fun at the bad animation and unexplainable fight presentation, but when Raiden starts running his mouth, it’s just DULL. Maybe I would care more about Mortal Kombat‘s backstory if Raiden made it more interesting. I need a lecturer that challenges me, you know? That’s why I like to attend seminars given by mimes.

So Johnny asks who Shang Tsung is, and Raiden explains Shang Tsung’s backstory using an awesome CG fight scene as a backdrop. And since there’s no way I’m typing out all of these lectures for you, just remember that Shang Tsung is a sorcerer who takes souls. Even worse – he’s a tightwad who rewraps the souls he doesn’t use and gives them out as Christmas gifts.

When the next day breaks, the boat finally nears the island where the tournament is being held. As it docks, Raiden tells the Earthrealm fighters to watch their backs because Shang Tsung will be watching them. He also reminds them that they must win Mortal Kombat, and so they should be ready for anything. Because Shang Tsung is watching them. Since they have to win Mortal Kombat. So they have to get ready for anything while Shang Tsung is watching them prepare to win Mortal Kombat after getting ready for a long session of being watched by Shang Tsung.

You got that? I hope so, because Raiden WILL NOT STOP REPEATING HIMSELF. It’s like he’s got a stutter that’s new on the job and doesn’t know when to stop.

The Earthrealm fighters go to a large area where a bunch of other badly designed fighters are gathered. They all look pretty stupid, but my personal favorite is this guy:

The sheer inconsistency is awesome. It’s like a movie shot than pans up from someone’s feet to their face. You’re thinking “buff dude, buff dude…guy who works at my comic book store?” I can only wonder why they went with such an unexpected design choice. At least warn us ahead of time before you do something like that. Maybe have a little voice pop up and say, “The head of Ragnar the barbarian will now be played by Robbie, local Pokemon collector.”

Anyway, the nearby double doors open up and Shang Tsung walks out, giving his best Enter The Dragon tournament intro speech before pissing off. Just then the Earth fighters notice Sub Zero walking somewhere while he’s being shadowed by Scorpion – an ineffective idea when you realize that it’s broad daylight and Scorpion is glowing with a “Look At Me, I’m Right Behind You Dumbass” kind of aura. Raiden explains that Sub Zero and Scorpion are rivals, and before you know it, the scene changes to another awful CG fight. I will mention that the motion capture does help make the CG look smoother, but it’s still subpar work combined with weak fight choreography. This isn’t blowing my mind. In fact, this is probably the worst blowing my mind has ever recieved. You’re definitely not getting a tip for this one.

Raiden and the Earthrealm fighters walk around the island. (IE, slide around 3D backgrounds while their walking animation plays.) While Raiden explains even more stuff, Johnny spots a four-armed warrior in the distance, who he also noticed lurking in the shadows during Shang Tsung’s speech. This warrior is called Goro, and after Raiden finishes another lecture about him, be sure to read over Goro’s section for tonight’s homework. At least we learn something relevant – Goro is Tonka tough, and he’s the reason Outworld won the last nine tournaments. (He’s also the reason why Outworld had to replace the last nine septic tanks.)

Soon night falls at the island. Raiden gives his final words of encouragement to the Earthrealm fighters and teleports away. Of course, it’s at that moment that Goro sends out a horde of monstorous dudes to kill the fighters, a rules infraction that Raiden doesn’t bother to stop until ten minutes later. If Raiden’s a god, why didn’t he know that was going to happen again and try to prevent it? Even if he didn’t, why didn’t he stick around to protect the fighters until the tournament began? I tell you, this guy’s horrible at keeping people safe. Eventually the court’s gonna make Raiden take some remedial protection class, with classmates like a shield made out of tinfoil and a tampon with a hole in it.

This fight scene is surprisingly worse than the first one. Almost like it’s sucking in stereo. For some reason, the fight is basically the same five or six scenes repeated over and over in random order. Thrill as Sonya keeps blocking the same three attackers! Be amazed as Johnny shuffles backwards for, like, FOUR seperate times! And even better – “Crappy Fighting Turbo Edition” has even more of the slowdown and blurring that you love! Can you tell what’s happening? If you can, then you haven’t consumed all of your “Jack Daniels’ Vision Enhancement Liquid” for maximum viewing experience.

Now comes in Baby!

So after Raiden FNALLY breaks up this stupid brawl, Shang Tsung walks in. Raiden shouts at him again, but incredibly enough, stern words do not discourage the soul-stealing wizard. Shang Tsung just raises his arms and proclaims, “Let Mortal Kombat BEGIN!” and as Sub Zero comes out and orders the monsters to attack again, Raiden simply remarks, “It has begun.”

And…that’s it. The Mortal Kombat logo slides over the screen and Raiden commands you to prepare for Mortal Kombat…the MOVIE! Is it over? NO. They pad it out some more with a bunch of profiles for the characters you just saw, including short biographies and a list of their moves. You might be excited about the movelists. “Hey, are THOSE the clues to Mortal Kombat 3?” Of course not. They don’t tell you HOW to do the moves, they’re just there to show you that Liu Kang can seriously do a bicycle kick. Honest to God.

“Yo, I ain’t lyin’. Liu Kang is dope.” – God

So where ARE these “hidden clues to Mortal Kombat 3“, pray tell? Look for them in the credits, traveller! It’s in the form of a code, which you enter in the game by selecting a certain order of symbols. Fortunately, the symbols to this hidden code aren’t difficult to find – as the credits scroll, each symbol is revealed in FULL-SCREEN with a peal of thunder and lightning. THEN, in case you were too dense to catch this, they show the code again after the credits are finished. Oh, gee, do you think I’ve got the picture now? I could’ve sworn famous celebrities were urging people on Twitter to donate to the “Buy Me A Clue Stick Fund”.

Man, out of all the things screwed up in this video, you had to mess up HIDING? You only learn how to do that when you’re FIVE. What happened, did your complete and total lack of a budget not support that? It’s like if you opened up a Where’s Waldo book and saw him standing in the middle of a blank page above the words, “Damn, that was quick.”

But at least we have all the symbols for the code. Which, by the way, CANNOT BE USED SINCE THE “11″ SYMBOL DOESN’T EXIST IN ANY PORT OF THE GAME.

This code’s brother is the Da Vinci Code.

GREAAAAAAAAT. You made me sit through this pile in hopes for a neat Mortal Kombat 3 code, and it’s not even CORRECT? Didn’t you hire an editor to check this over? And if so, doesn’t your editor normally work in the lounge, keeping drinks inside it so they stay cold?

In conclusion, the horrible animation, ugly CG, and boring storyline combine into one mighty monster of “meh”. Say what you will about the first Mortal Kombat film – at least it was kind of fun at some points. This was no fun. This was, in fact, negative fun. This video owes me a surplus of fun which I will constantly badger it about through a series of phone calls and emails until the debt is paid. I don’t just give fun to every slacker on the street, you know. This was an investment of fun, and I want it back.

Still, I must make a judgment, and considering the strengths and faults of both contestants…I’m gonna have to give the nod to sodomy. Sorry, video. At least sodomy has a clear ending point. It’s called “death”. Give it a try when you’ve got the time.

(Mortal Kombat: The Journey Begins is copyrighted to Midway and Warner Bros.)

Flint the Time Detective was an anime that aired on Fox Kids back in 2000, and…well, I’m not sure if words can do it justice. It’s an odd little show made even stranger by its backstory:

A caveboy named Flint Hammerhead and his father, Rocky, are transformed into fossilized eggs by the evil Petra Fina. They are de-fossilized in the 25th century by Dr. Bernard Goodman, who works for an organization called the Time Police. Well, Flint is de-fossilized – the process doesn’t work entirely for Rocky, and he is left as a talking piece of rock. Dr. Goodman fashions Rocky into a stone axe for Flint and sends him on missions across time with his niece and nephew, Sarah and Tony. Their mission is to pick up Time Shifters, Pokemon-esque creatures with powers that would not do well in the wrong hands of Petra Fina and her goons, who are also collecting the Time Shifters for a man called Dark Lord.

You catch that? You better have. You’re already out of line, bucko. One more screw-up and you’re off the case!

Because Flint the Time Detective is so out there, a normal review won’t swing this time. Instead, we’re doing a play-by-play of an entire episode. Maybe then you’ll understand just what we’re dealing with. And if you’re black, it’ll kill you first after you say, “I’ll be right back”.

“Sir, we got a new case. Police just found 3:00 PM’s body in a ditch near the lake.”
“GET ME FLINT THE TIME DETECTIVE.”

The episode called “Muscles” begins at the school Sarah, Tony, and Flint attend. It’s gym class, and their Nazi teacher Miss Iknow is ordering her students to run a ridiculous number of laps around the track. But there’s a reason for this – Miss Iknow is secretly Petra Fina in disguise, and this “exercise” will tire Sarah and Tony out so they can’t fight her. Yeah, I definitely won’t suspect foulplay from someone who uses an obviously fake name like Miss “Iknow.” Then again, I don’t think Petra Fina’s the sharpest zinger in the stand-up routine. She probably hides her garden because she’s afraid someone will patent the idea first.

Of course, Flint is an anime child with ADD, so running around for an hour is one of his favorite pastimes. Fortunately, Sarah and Tony are spared when Dr. Goodman’s robotic pterodacytl Pterry flies in. A new Time Shifter has been found, Pterry announces, so our heroes use this opportunity to sneak away. Miss Iknow hears the announcement as well and makes her own escape.

…wait, hold on. Is that…?

It is! Wow, it’s weird to see what got past the censors back then. These days that scene would be cut like french fries. Not like in Japan, where children’s programming is a lot more loose. I knew it was strange when I was watching one of their kid shows and thought, “Look, I know Makoto attacked Jiro because he took her doll, but I’m certain you need a license to use that class of flamethrower.”

After our heroes learn that the Time Shifter Muscles can make anyone strong by touching them, they fly back to Ancient Greece on their Time Cycle. When they land, though, you only have a bare moment to cover your ears before Sarah delivers a brief explaination of the Olympic Games. Look, the last thing I want to do while time travelling is learn, okay? I’m here to screw with history just like everyone else. I want to return to a future where children learn that I won the first Olympics by getting all my competitors hooked on cigarettes.

Up the road, they spot a muscular man jogging their way. Flint immediately runs up to the man and pesters him to race. It soon explodes into a full-blown obstacle course between the two as they run up hills, leap off cliffs, and swim through rivers. Now this is just ridiculous. No one man has enough insanity to keep up with Flint. He’ll have to buy it from Insania, a loony country whose main exports are cabin fever and corn.

Flint and the man eventually fall over in exhaustion after their triathlon. The man reveals his name as Damon, who wants to compete in the Olympics more than anything. But suddenly, Damon recoils in pain, grasping his head as the biggest of ancient migraines hits him while he’s down. Then he stands up, roaring in agony!

…well, Sarah, you looked the most interested in him. Go blow him back up.

Damon calls for Muscles, who speeds over several hills to meet up with the group. Muscles gives Damon a quick massage on his arm and Hulks him back up, but our heroes just end up calling Damon a cheater. Flint and Damon begin fighting over Muscles, but a happy beam of love from resident mascot Get-A-Long knocks them both out, and Damon deflates all over again. You know, super-strength ain’t worth it if it vanishes at a moment’s notice. At this rate, Damon could get a cold and the super-strength would die from complications.

Sarah decides to help Damon train the right away. This leads into a traning montage involving Tony, Damon, and the surprising lack of an 80s montage song. They all start running when they-

D’AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH

Oh, I forgot. This show has a vampire.

A flaming vampire.

A vampire named – I’m not kidding – MERLOCK HOLMES, who wears extremely short pants, dresses in lace, and ALSO travels through time.

You’re welcome.

So Merlock has a huge (perverted) crush on Sarah, which is why he keeps showing up and ruining my day. Flint offers Merlock the chance to train with them, but Merlock claims that he’s SUCH an awesome runner that he would totally own them. Of course, when Sarah says that she wanted Merlock to run with her, the resulting vampiric boner is so astounding that he agrees.

And so he died. Good night.

While Merlock’s companion Bindi drags him over to the shade of a tree, Damon starts whining and asks Muscles for some help. Muscles shoots that down. “You gotta do it yourself!” he says, crossing his arms. This gives Damon the encouragement he needs to run away crying, which the group considers to be a good thing…somehow. I dunno. It’s not like this show is making any sense. Fortunately, some werelogic is terrorizing the village, so let’s hope this show gets bitten in time for the full moon.

Suddenly, Petra Fina and her goons appear in robes while setting up a finish line for Muscles. In the middle of the finish line is Petra’s Petra Stamp, which can turn any Time Shifter evil. Things get serious when Muscles runs into the stamp and falls under Petra’s control. Her first order? “Petra-Pump” that do-gooder Flint!

Of course, Muscles fails these basic instructions by grabbing Sarah on the arm. Sarah bends over in pain and she…um, wait, what are you doing?

NO.

STOP.

THIS IS A SATURDAY MORNING CARTOON SHOW, GUYS.

Fortunately, that angel of mercy Merlock sweeps in with the censorship, enchanting his cape to cover Sarah as she grows into a giant. Even better – Merlock casts a spell to give King-Sized Sarah some new clothing. He snaps his fingers, the cape drops, and-

What the – DAMN IT, MERLOCK!

Did you REALLY have to dress her up in something so DEMEANING? That costume is pushing boundaries of taste we just surpassed a moment ago! And while I don’t believe in excessive censorship, I think that Apache Chief moment back there wasn’t neccessary. Apache Chief knows what I mean. Remember that time he got so drunk that he grew to giant size and tried to make out with the Statue of Liberty Everybody was trying to get their kids to avert their eyes. I didn’t – I just pointed at him and told my girlfriend, “See, that’s exactly how I want you to do that”.

So Evil Muscles is resting on Sarah’s chest – I KNOW, just go with it – and Sarah flings the offending Time Shifter away. She starts crying because…well, look at her. Tony asks Get-A-Long if he can change Sarah back to normal, but…

Yeeeeeaaaaaah. You go ahead and keep covering your breasts, Sarah. After all, once you see them, you’ll understand why she calls them “Sodom and Gomorrah”.

Petra Fina orders Muscles to attack, and so he transforms into Muscles-Con, a massive monster riddled with spikes. Muscles-Con fires what looks like pipe cleaners to tie up Flint, but when the monster attacks Sarah, she promptly beats the crap out of it with her newfound power. Gee, maybe if you didn’t give SUPER-STRENGTH to one of the good guys, this wouldn’t have happened!

Muscles-Con fires his spikes like missiles. Rocky becomes giant-sized (yeah, he can do that) and Sarah uses him to bat the missiles at Petra and her goons. Muscles-Con then rushes Sarah, and the two lock grips in a battle of brawn, each striving to-

QUIT TAKING PICTURES OF HER BUTT YOU FAIRY.

Okay, you know what? That’s the third indecent moment I’ve seen in this cartoon. Again, I don’t support excessive censorship for children, but this is pushing it. For all the hate against censoring anime brought over to America, at least now I have an idea why it’s done. Even worse, that homoerotic vampire makes peepin’ look easy. If kids watch this, they won’t know how hard they have to work on their peepin’ to get into the good peepin’ schools. What options do they have otherwise? Online peepin’ degrees? Yeah, THAT’LL hold up in an interview.

Sarah throws Muscles-Con onto the ground with a giant swing. Strangely enough, Muscles-Con pulls a Damon of his own by tearing up and running away. And since it’s always wise to challenge giant monsters to races, Damon and Flint pursue. The goal – first one to the Parthenon wins! The winner gets to carve “YOU GUYZ R FAGGOTS” in one of the columns for future generations to discover.

Petra and her goons fly up in their ugly ship and start flinging sports-themed projectiles at the racers. I guess aiming’s not one of the events, though, because they fling a bunch of hammers at Muscles-Con and cause him to revert back to his normal form. Petra readies a final attack, but Sarah grabs the ship and flings it away like her own style of discus toss. Beautiful shot! Too bad women aren’t allowed to compete in the Olympics in this time period. Hey, does anyone have a giant kitchen we can tell her to get back into?

Muscles collapses out of weakness, and Damon picks him up, running all the way up the Parthenon steps to finish the face. As they lie down, Damon vows to train hard and compete in the Olympics in honor of his friendship with Muscles. This line is so cheesy that the Petra Stamp immediately dissolves. It’s easy to see why – the line majored in cheesiness while attending college.

With that, our heroes return to their school. And Sarah’s back to normal, thank God. I feel so dirty now that I think I need to clean myself with a car buffer. They discover that their class is STILL running, led by an angry Miss Iknow who-

D’AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH

So. Flint the Time Detective, ladies and gentlemen. At the end of the day, I’m not sure how it settles. It’s an innocent show for the most part. The dialogue’s kinda cheesy and I’ve seen better slapstick, but it’s okay. You’ll get more mileage out if it through your nostalgia goggles, though – I don’t think today’s kids will exactly eat it up.

As for the censorship issues…it’s a product of the times. Back in the 90s you could get away with a lot more. Hell, in another episode a character blatantly SMOKES in front of the children while discussing a plot point. Me, I don’t have a problem with that so much. Children are more mature than you think. That’s why Batman: The Animated Series and Animaniacs are so great – this censorship looseness allowed the writers to create truly great material.

But since Japan’s got different ideas on what children should be allowed to see, it’s not surprising that it pushes beyond our comfort zone. Maybe that’s why censorship has tightened so recently – with the incredible popularity of importing anime, parents are getting scared with what their children could be seeing. I understand the concern, but we can’t protect our children from everything. The world is far more complex than the happy environment we try to create. Yes, it’s full of pain…but it’s that same pain that allows us to grow and conquer, and to create truly great works of art.

I guess what I’m saying is to keep everything in moderation. And get involved with your kids, too. No matter what they see, it’s up to you to help carve their lives in the right direction.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, my soul feels tainted after seeing all that underage skin. I think I’ll have a cigarette. Take my mind off of it with some delicious cancer.

(Flint the Time Detective is copyrighted to its respective owners. Episode donated by Ryantherebel.)

After Sonic the Hedgehog came out, many other video game companies tried to cash in with their own animals of attitude. Bubsy the Bobcat is probably the king of that crop. Not because he was good, mind you – he failed just as much as the others. It’s just that his fall from grace was far more satisfying. Kinda like that plane crash where all the passengers were villians from Christmas specials.

But Accolade (the guys behind Bubsy) really wanted their mascot to succeed. To that end, they decided that a full-fledged animated series was just the thing Bubsy needed to capture the limelight. If it worked for Mario and Sonic, why not him?

Of course, Accolade failed to account for two major factors:

1. Mario and Sonic landed cartoons because their games were popular, fun, and competent.
2. Except for the Saturday morning Sonic cartoon, the Mario and Sonic shows BLOW CHUNKS.

Bubsy was no different. Only one episode of his crappy cartoon was made, shown on Thanksgiving Day and promptly forgotten. The only way you can see it now is on video sharing sites. But here’s the Challenge of the Superfriends: can you actually sit through it without feeling disgusted afterwards? Don’t worry, everyone! I’ve already watched it for you. And now I know what I’m getting you for Christmas. Here’s a hint: after it knocks down your house, they’ll have room to build a highway.

Fortunately, Bubsy is one of those cartoons that you will instantly hate after watching the intro. Really, how are you going to take him seriously after he tries to brush his teeth with a handheld grinder? It gets worse at warp speed – after Bubsy eats breakfast, he goes down a slide and does…well, this.

That’d better not be a rain dance. Last time Bubsy did that, it started raining men. And since my god makes people by throwing them away, I got a religious holiday.

So the episode is actually called “What Could Possibly Go Wrong?”. It’s also Bubsy’s catchphrase. Would you be surprised if I told you that Bubsy quickly destroys any charm this catchphrase might have by saying it over and over? Then again, it’s not like Bubsy isn’t good at ruining things. Apparently, after he uses the bathroom, the toilet gets a Purple Heart.

Speaking of lack of charm, Bubsy himself is an asshole. Even though his “sidekick” Arnold the Armadillo doesn’t want anything to do with him, Bubsy is insistent on being an obnoxious and completely unlikeable “hero”. Even worse is when Bubsy’s nephew and niece come over to celebrate their birthday. Bubsy promptly tells them that Arnold is hiding under the couch, and the twins start pulling on him and rolling him into bowling pins.

Seriously, I have never felt more sorry for an animal than I do for Arnold the Armadillo. All throughout this cartoon, he is abused and humiliated by Bubsy, who is too much of a dense jackass to realize what he’s doing. Plus you’ve got the twins who treat him like utter crap. Look, Arnold, food and shelter are not worth this abuse. Besides, I know other Batman villians who need childhood abuse more than you do. Don’t be selfish.

So Bubsy is watching a TV news report about a helmet that makes the wearer’s thoughts come true. Naturally, this is the best thing to put in the hands of an idiotic bobcat, so he decides to go the inventor’s lab and test it. Meanwhile, the report gets the attention of some fat cat lady across town, who wants to use the helmet for her own selfish needs. I guess hard work is too much of a hassle, huh? Sounds like the kind of person who hires a guy in India to buy Baltic Avenue for her.

Bubsy, Arnold, and the twins swing over to the lab where they meet up with inventor of the helmet, a Vergil Reality. (OH GEE THAT IS QUITE CLEVER.) Vergil tells Bubsy to make sure his wish is specific, but paying attention and counting are things Bubsy has difficulty with.

“I wanna fly!”

“I’M SORRY, MY TEXT PARSER DOESN’T UNDERSTAND THAT PHRASE. DID YOU MEAN ‘PLANE THAT VANISHES MID-FLIGHT’?”

Eventually Bubsy wishes everyone back into the lab after some hijinks. The twins announce how bored they are and ask to play with the helmet, but Vergil cuts that noise short. Unfortunately, while Bubsy is blindly placing the helmet on a chair, Male Twin switches the chair with Girl Twin’s head, and they sneak out with the helmet in their possession. Man, is Bubsy’s ENTIRE family a bunch of unlikeable douchebags? I can just imagine Halloween. “Trick or treat! The one you choose will determine if you find your dog before he runs out of oxygen.”

Outside the lab, Fat Cat Lady’s minions fly overhead – a vulture carrying a shrew. (They have names, but I would have to actually care if I was to learn them.) They see the twins fighting over the helmet, so they divebomb right at them. Apparently divebombing is really slow, because while they’re doing it:

1. The twins wish for ponies, speedboats, and giant birthday cakes. (It’s their birthday, by the way.)
2. The shrew is hit by lightning and a passing plane.
3. The vulture READS A COOKBOOK to find the best recipe for cooking bobcat twins.

Come on, guys! I know it’s a cartoon, but that doesn’t mean you can skimp on logic. These guys are right above the lab, not a thousand feet in the air. It shouldn’t take that long to swoop down. We wouldn’t tolerate that with planes. Ever been on a plane that took five hours to land? I’m just saying – if you didn’t fly female planes next to the males, then the males wouldn’t keep losing focus.

So when they land, Vulture walks up to the twins and demands the helmet. Male Twin responds by wishing for a roller coaster and taking them all on a crazy ride. Meanwhile, Bubsy and the others go outside to find that all of reality has been changed into a massive theme park. When the twins shoot by, Bubsy grabs on the end of their car along with Arnold. They ride for a while until Bubsy tells them to “stop it this instant”.

Bubsy and Arnold are hurtled all the way back to their house. (Somehow.) After landing, Bubsy then walks into Male Twin’s giant toe, because now the twins are suddenly Godzilla-sized. They accidentally step on Bubsy and Arnold, and shrink back down to normal size because they figure they’re in trouble. And you’re damn right they are! Look at all the trouble you caused, you little snots! What do you have to say for yourselves?

“But it’s our BIRTHDAY!”

“AND NOW IT’LL BE YOUR FUNERAL”

Unfortunately, before I can kill these little assholes, Vulture drops Shrew on the twins. Shrew grabs the helmet and burrows through the dirt Bugs Bunny style, but Bubsy stops him with a shovel. Fortunately, Shrew is even dumber than Bubsy, so he agrees to trade the helmet for a stick of dynamite disguised as a corn dog.

Okay, mission accomplished. We got the helmet back. Now, where were we?

Ah, yes.

DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE

But once again, my triumph is spoiled when Vulture flies past and grabs the twins, along with the helmet! Get back here, you crazy bird! Look, you can have their flesh – all I want is their bones!

So Vulture and Shrew give Fat Cat Lady the helmet, and she starts wishing for expensive stuff while the two minions go off to cook the twins. Meanwhile, Bubsy goes back to Vergil’s lab and starts moping about how much he screwed up. He picks up Arnold and beats himself in the head, then lets him fall into some random electrical field, which somehow helps Bubsy cheer himself up. Boy, that was fast. God knows I can’t cheer people up that easily. The best I’ve done is telling someone, “The good news is that your house is on fire.”

Okay! Now that Bubsy is back in the game, he needs a cunning plan to figure out the address to Vulture and Shrew’s hideout! And what is this great plan?

“I’ll just look ‘em up in the phone book!”

He just CALLS Shrew and basically asks him where his address is. Shrew, being a total dingbat, doesn’t think twice of it. Still, there’s no reason for Bubsy to do this. Why? Well, last time I checked, ADDRESSES WERE ALSO PRINTED IN THE PHONE BOOK.

SO ANYWAY, after the twins escape Vulture and Shrew, Bubsy and the gang bop over to Fat Cat Lady’s place to get the helmet back. What ensues is a dragged-out scene where everyone fights over the helmet, and the thing jumps around on everyone’s heads like a horny flea. Eventually it lands on Bubsy, and at this point, the thing is shorting out, so Bubsy makes one last wish to stop the bad guys.

Hooray! These extremely lame and incompetent villians were easily defeated by what amounted to magic. What better way for this episode to end than for the helmet to explode and ELECTROCUTE EVERYONE TO DEATH.

…okay, that didn’t happen. But it might as well have! It’s easy to see why this show wasn’t picked up. The animation was terrible, the characters annoying, the physical comedy weak, the source material doomed to failure, the sentence overbearing, the patience running thin, the reader gasping for air, the commas happy for work.

Just remember – for all of the awful things you see on TV these days, it could’ve been a lot worse. I just know that if this show was picked up, I would’ve dropped it like a bad habit. You know, like aiming before you shoot a squirrel.

Dancin’ Bubsy GIF procured from Femmegasm, which has just wrapped up a storyline involving the ghost of Bubsy. It pleases me, because I like to think Bubsy did himself in with a Hemingway special.