Giant Robot Invasion!

I first experienced Mortal Kombat around eight or nine years old. One day Mom came home from the grocery store with a brand-new rental for our Sega Genesis: Mortal Kombat II. Cue a traumatized little boy discovering just how many ways your bones and blood can leave your body and go on vacation. Fortunately, Mom caught her mistake and quickly exchanged the rental for something more friendly. That turned out to be Puggsy, a game about a fat, orange alien throwing fish at enemies. Well, you know what they say. “Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Throw a fish at someone’s face, and if you’re in the right country, he’ll choose pistols at dawn.”

But now that I’m older, I can look past the excessive carnage and realize the truth behind Mortal Kombat: it’s a pretty stupid franchise. That’s fine and dandy in the video games, since they’ve always been about the violence. But what happens when you’re forced to tone it down for a movie or a television adaptation? At that point you have to rely on the actual plot and, well, saying that Mortal Kombat’s plotline can be insulting is like surviving the Titanic disaster only to get reimbursed with a seven-night stay on the S.S. Vulnerable.

Speaking of a Mortal Kombat movie, the first live-action film definitely had the problems I mentioned. Weak plot, excessive filler, bad characterization. Typical video-game movie fare. Still, the film entertained me, and that’s why I can’t entirely hate it. It’s not a great film, but if you were to catch it on TV and you like popcorn flicks, you could do a lot worse.

Of course, after watching today’s abomination, I can’t imagine how anyone would take a risk on the theatrical showing. It’s a 54 minute video designed to hype you up for the film by using an amazing blend of animation, computer graphics, and motion capture to suck you into the realm of Mortal Kombat. It’s also a college course called “Mortal Kombat 101″, a never-ending infodump about Mortal Kombat’s history that will bore the crap out of hair. It’s also a prime example of how to release a cartoon animated by howler monkeys, all of whom are revealed at the end of the episode to be blind and deceased. It’s awful, atrocious stuff that challenges the value of life. Probably why you can now find it in a set of teaching materials called “Hooked On Nihilism”.

And since humans are incapable of pronouncing its true name, we just call it Mortal Kombat: The Journey Begins.

…To Suck Right About Here

This thing is so awful that only a bribe can convince me to watch it. After the first title card, a narrator promises that “hidden clues to Mortal Kombat 3 await you”. Okay, makes sense. Mortal Kombat 3 was released in the same year, so it’s only natural that this video would catch a ride on that game’s popularity. Too bad it’s not worth watching this video all the way through. Don’t worry – you’ll find out what I mean soon enough. See that dot in the distance? That’s one of its eyes.

The scene changes to the silhouette of some dragon creature flying over clouds as a voice explains Mortal Kombat. Basically, it’s a martial arts tournament held between the realm of Earth and another dimension called Outworld. If Outworld wins ten tournaments in a row, then their armies can invade Earthrealm. They’ve won nine so far – this tournament is Earth’s last chance to fend off the Outworld menace. It’s gonna be hard, though. Outworld’s warriors are pretty tough. Nothing shakes them. Hell, they thought Scream was a romance.

The camera pans to a boat occupied by three of Earthrealm’s chosen fighters – a monk named Liu Kang, a Hollywood action star named Johnny Cage, and a Special Forces agent named Sonya Blade. They stand around, and, uh…

Oh boy. That fills you with hope, doesn’t it? Not only does this single screen look like crap, but it throws open your mind, allowing you to instantly realize that the entire video will look just as horrible, with zero chance of redemption. Everything in the realm of this video has become clear, leaving no surprise. In short, this screen is Instant Microwave Enlightenment.

Anyway, Sonya’s trying to get her radio to work. She wants to call her superiors, since she got on the boat to look for a criminal. (While this does play a role in the overall Mortal Kombat universe, it’s never touched on again in this video, so excuse me for not caring.) She storms up to the captain’s room for answers, but the door is blocked by a blue ninja named Sub Zero who freezes up her arm. While mildly amusing, it’s ultimately pointless as the captain comes out anyway. He explains that his name is Shang Tsung and that he’s the tournament master. Apparently he’s also kidnapped the sun, since his room is ridiculously bright for no reason.

Tonight on Fox: World’s Worst Shadow Puppets

Shang Tsung then uses psychic powers to pick up Liu Kang and Johnny for absolutely no reason. The heroes are surprisingly mellow about this, and after Shang Tsung goes back into his room with Sub Zero, they get distracted and wander off like pigeons. Then Shang Tsung comes right back out of his room for…some reason and tells Sub Zero to rough up the Earth fighters so Outworld can win the tournament more easily. Well, if you’re gonna stoop to that level, why even bother with the tournament at all? Just go up and say, “Okay, here’s the roster. Johnny Cage, you’ll be fighting this .45 automatic. Sonya Blade, you’ll square off against the inside of an iron maiden. And Liu Kang, your opponent is the undefeated champion, this F-14 Tomcat.”

So as Sub Zero walks over to attack the Earth fighters, Shang Tsung begins talking to another ninja called Scorpion, who is hiding above Shang Tsung behind some crates. Where’d he come from? Who the hell knows. Shang Tsung tells Scoprion to help Sub Zero deal with the Earth fighters, because if they kill Sub Zero, then Scorpion can’t get his revenge on him. Again, that’s an important tidbit, and for some reason that’s the plot point they bother to explain later on. You’re being really picky about what parts of the storyline to explore here, you know. You have to develop all your scenes – you can’t just develop the ones you like. You don’t see someone writing to a famous director and going, “Hey, you remember that car chase in your last film? I love that scene. Could you release a director’s cut where you repeat that twenty more times and then roll the credits?”

Now I’m desperate for some action, which the fight scene between the ninjas and the Earth fighters naturally fails to deliver. It doesn’t even deserve a GED, it’s that bad. Disjointed movement, lots of unneccessary slowdown, random yelling, inconsistent animation…it’s just completely atrocious. Let me demonstrate this with a simple screenshot.

This screenshot was not taken in mid-transistion between frames. This is literally how it was presented in the video. How did this even make it to the final cut? There’s no way anyone could have considered this scene to be good or finished. I guess no one raised an issue about it due to company rules. Especially the one that keeps the suggestion box hanging around the company tiger’s neck.

Eventually Scorpion launches a bladed rope from his wrist and wraps it around Sonya. However, as he pulls her in, a bolt of lightning destroys the rope, and a new figure teleports down onto the ship. Liu Kang recognizes him as the thunder god Raiden. Sonya claims that this doesn’t make any sense, and Johnny replies, “Who cares if it makes any sense?” Raiden says that Johnny should care, and hits him with a field of energy that makes him jiggle like Jello. Then he shouts “SILENCE!” for absolutely no reason.

Okay, who scripted this? That exchange didn’t follow any logical path at all. Be honest with me, video. Are you giving your script what it needs to grow into a coherent plot? Or were you lying when you told me it was a Flinstones Kid?

Shang Tsung comes out of his AMAZINGLY BRIGHT ROOM and Raiden accuses him of ambushing the Earthrealm fighters, which is against the rules of the tournament. Shang Tsung pretty much goes “nope” and walks back into his room. Well, THAT was a satisfying and worthwhile conclusion to the fight. Good thing they cut out that death-defying backgammon scene – that would’ve been too much.

I am still amazed I found this photo at a site called “extreme-backgammon.net“.

Of course, now that Raiden is here, the video instantly takes a nosedive into the deepest levels of crap. Sure, it sucked to begin with, but at least you could gain a sense of security by figuring, “hey, it could be worse”. Well, Raiden “It Gets Worse” Thunder God is here to challenge that security. His role is to answer any questions the Earthrealm fighters have about the tournament, and since they just fought a guy who can shoot ice out of his hands, it’d make sense that they want to learn they can.

Unfortunately, that’s practically ALL THEY DO for the rest of the video. Backstory exposition isn’t bad, per se, but using too much too often WILL bore people. Mortal Kombat: The Journey Begins does this in spades, a royal flush, and a full house by having Raiden constantly lecture about the tournament’s history. At least you can poke fun at the bad animation and unexplainable fight presentation, but when Raiden starts running his mouth, it’s just DULL. Maybe I would care more about Mortal Kombat’s backstory if Raiden made it more interesting. I need a lecturer that challenges me, you know? That’s why I like to attend seminars given by mimes.

So Johnny asks who Shang Tsung is, and Raiden explains Shang Tsung’s backstory using an awesome CG fight scene as a backdrop. And since there’s no way I’m typing out all of these lectures for you, just remember that Shang Tsung is a sorcerer who takes souls. Even worse – he’s a tightwad who rewraps the souls he doesn’t use and gives them out as Christmas gifts.

When the next day breaks, the boat finally nears the island where the tournament is being held. As it docks, Raiden tells the Earthrealm fighters to watch their backs because Shang Tsung will be watching them. He also reminds them that they must win Mortal Kombat, and so they should be ready for anything. Because Shang Tsung is watching them. Since they have to win Mortal Kombat. So they have to get ready for anything while Shang Tsung is watching them prepare to win Mortal Kombat after getting ready for a long session of being watched by Shang Tsung.

You got that? I hope so, because Raiden WILL NOT STOP REPEATING HIMSELF. It’s like he’s got a stutter that’s new on the job and doesn’t know when to stop.

The Earthrealm fighters go to a large area where a bunch of other badly designed fighters are gathered. They all look pretty stupid, but my personal favorite is this guy:

The sheer inconsistency is awesome. It’s like a movie shot than pans up from someone’s feet to their face. You’re thinking “buff dude, buff dude…guy who works at my comic book store?” I can only wonder why they went with such an unexpected design choice. At least warn us ahead of time before you do something like that. Maybe have a little voice pop up and say, “The head of Ragnar the barbarian will now be played by Robbie, local Pokemon collector.”

Anyway, the nearby double doors open up and Shang Tsung walks out, giving his best Enter The Dragon tournament intro speech before pissing off. Just then the Earth fighters notice Sub Zero walking somewhere while he’s being shadowed by Scorpion – an ineffective idea when you realize that it’s broad daylight and Scorpion is glowing with a “Look At Me, I’m Right Behind You Dumbass” kind of aura. Raiden explains that Sub Zero and Scorpion are rivals, and before you know it, the scene changes to another awful CG fight. I will mention that the motion capture does help make the CG look smoother, but it’s still subpar work combined with weak fight choreography. This isn’t blowing my mind. In fact, this is probably the worst blowing my mind has ever recieved. You’re definitely not getting a tip for this one.

Raiden and the Earthrealm fighters walk around the island. (IE, slide around 3D backgrounds while their walking animation plays.) While Raiden explains even more stuff, Johnny spots a four-armed warrior in the distance, who he also noticed lurking in the shadows during Shang Tsung’s speech. This warrior is called Goro, and after Raiden finishes another lecture about him, be sure to read over Goro’s section for tonight’s homework. At least we learn something relevant – Goro is Tonka tough, and he’s the reason Outworld won the last nine tournaments. (He’s also the reason why Outworld had to replace the last nine septic tanks.)

Soon night falls at the island. Raiden gives his final words of encouragement to the Earthrealm fighters and teleports away. Of course, it’s at that moment that Goro sends out a horde of monstorous dudes to kill the fighters, a rules infraction that Raiden doesn’t bother to stop until ten minutes later. If Raiden’s a god, why didn’t he know that was going to happen again and try to prevent it? Even if he didn’t, why didn’t he stick around to protect the fighters until the tournament began? I tell you, this guy’s horrible at keeping people safe. Eventually the court’s gonna make Raiden take some remedial protection class, with classmates like a shield made out of tinfoil and a tampon with a hole in it.

This fight scene is surprisingly worse than the first one. Almost like it’s sucking in stereo. For some reason, the fight is basically the same five or six scenes repeated over and over in random order. Thrill as Sonya keeps blocking the same three attackers! Be amazed as Johnny shuffles backwards for, like, FOUR seperate times! And even better – “Crappy Fighting Turbo Edition” has even more of the slowdown and blurring that you love! Can you tell what’s happening? If you can, then you haven’t consumed all of your “Jack Daniels’ Vision Enhancement Liquid” for maximum viewing experience.

Now comes in Baby!

So after Raiden FNALLY breaks up this stupid brawl, Shang Tsung walks in. Raiden shouts at him again, but incredibly enough, stern words do not discourage the soul-stealing wizard. Shang Tsung just raises his arms and proclaims, “Let Mortal Kombat BEGIN!” and as Sub Zero comes out and orders the monsters to attack again, Raiden simply remarks, “It has begun.”

And…that’s it. The Mortal Kombat logo slides over the screen and Raiden commands you to prepare for Mortal Kombat…the MOVIE! Is it over? NO. They pad it out some more with a bunch of profiles for the characters you just saw, including short biographies and a list of their moves. You might be excited about the movelists. “Hey, are THOSE the clues to Mortal Kombat 3?” Of course not. They don’t tell you HOW to do the moves, they’re just there to show you that Liu Kang can seriously do a bicycle kick. Honest to God.

“Yo, I ain’t lyin’. Liu Kang is dope.” – God

So where ARE these “hidden clues to Mortal Kombat 3“, pray tell? Look for them in the credits, traveller! It’s in the form of a code, which you enter in the game by selecting a certain order of symbols. Fortunately, the symbols to this hidden code aren’t difficult to find – as the credits scroll, each symbol is revealed in FULL-SCREEN with a peal of thunder and lightning. THEN, in case you were too dense to catch this, they show the code again after the credits are finished. Oh, gee, do you think I’ve got the picture now? I could’ve sworn famous celebrities were urging people on Twitter to donate to the “Buy Me A Clue Stick Fund”.

Man, out of all the things screwed up in this video, you had to mess up HIDING? You only learn how to do that when you’re FIVE. What happened, did your complete and total lack of a budget not support that? It’s like if you opened up a Where’s Waldo book and saw him standing in the middle of a blank page above the words, “Damn, that was quick.”

But at least we have all the symbols for the code. Which, by the way, CANNOT BE USED SINCE THE “11″ SYMBOL DOESN’T EXIST IN ANY PORT OF THE GAME.

This code’s brother is the Da Vinci Code.

GREAAAAAAAAT. You made me sit through this pile in hopes for a neat Mortal Kombat 3 code, and it’s not even CORRECT? Didn’t you hire an editor to check this over? And if so, doesn’t your editor normally work in the lounge, keeping drinks inside it so they stay cold?

In conclusion, the horrible animation, ugly CG, and boring storyline combine into one mighty monster of “meh”. Say what you will about the first Mortal Kombat film – at least it was kind of fun at some points. This was no fun. This was, in fact, negative fun. This video owes me a surplus of fun which I will constantly badger it about through a series of phone calls and emails until the debt is paid. I don’t just give fun to every slacker on the street, you know. This was an investment of fun, and I want it back.

Still, I must make a judgment, and considering the strengths and faults of both contestants…I’m gonna have to give the nod to sodomy. Sorry, video. At least sodomy has a clear ending point. It’s called “death”. Give it a try when you’ve got the time.

(Mortal Kombat: The Journey Begins is copyrighted to Midway and Warner Bros.)

Flint the Time Detective was an anime that aired on Fox Kids back in 2000, and…well, I’m not sure if words can do it justice. It’s an odd little show made even stranger by its backstory:

A caveboy named Flint Hammerhead and his father, Rocky, are transformed into fossilized eggs by the evil Petra Fina. They are de-fossilized in the 25th century by Dr. Bernard Goodman, who works for an organization called the Time Police. Well, Flint is de-fossilized – the process doesn’t work entirely for Rocky, and he is left as a talking piece of rock. Dr. Goodman fashions Rocky into a stone axe for Flint and sends him on missions across time with his niece and nephew, Sarah and Tony. Their mission is to pick up Time Shifters, Pokemon-esque creatures with powers that would not do well in the wrong hands of Petra Fina and her goons, who are also collecting the Time Shifters for a man called Dark Lord.

You catch that? You better have. You’re already out of line, bucko. One more screw-up and you’re off the case!

Because Flint the Time Detective is so out there, a normal review won’t swing this time. Instead, we’re doing a play-by-play of an entire episode. Maybe then you’ll understand just what we’re dealing with. And if you’re black, it’ll kill you first after you say, “I’ll be right back”.

“Sir, we got a new case. Police just found 3:00 PM’s body in a ditch near the lake.”
“GET ME FLINT THE TIME DETECTIVE.”

The episode called “Muscles” begins at the school Sarah, Tony, and Flint attend. It’s gym class, and their Nazi teacher Miss Iknow is ordering her students to run a ridiculous number of laps around the track. But there’s a reason for this – Miss Iknow is secretly Petra Fina in disguise, and this “exercise” will tire Sarah and Tony out so they can’t fight her. Yeah, I definitely won’t suspect foulplay from someone who uses an obviously fake name like Miss “Iknow.” Then again, I don’t think Petra Fina’s the sharpest zinger in the stand-up routine. She probably hides her garden because she’s afraid someone will patent the idea first.

Of course, Flint is an anime child with ADD, so running around for an hour is one of his favorite pastimes. Fortunately, Sarah and Tony are spared when Dr. Goodman’s robotic pterodacytl Pterry flies in. A new Time Shifter has been found, Pterry announces, so our heroes use this opportunity to sneak away. Miss Iknow hears the announcement as well and makes her own escape.

…wait, hold on. Is that…?

It is! Wow, it’s weird to see what got past the censors back then. These days that scene would be cut like french fries. Not like in Japan, where children’s programming is a lot more loose. I knew it was strange when I was watching one of their kid shows and thought, “Look, I know Makoto attacked Jiro because he took her doll, but I’m certain you need a license to use that class of flamethrower.”

After our heroes learn that the Time Shifter Muscles can make anyone strong by touching them, they fly back to Ancient Greece on their Time Cycle. When they land, though, you only have a bare moment to cover your ears before Sarah delivers a brief explaination of the Olympic Games. Look, the last thing I want to do while time travelling is learn, okay? I’m here to screw with history just like everyone else. I want to return to a future where children learn that I won the first Olympics by getting all my competitors hooked on cigarettes.

Up the road, they spot a muscular man jogging their way. Flint immediately runs up to the man and pesters him to race. It soon explodes into a full-blown obstacle course between the two as they run up hills, leap off cliffs, and swim through rivers. Now this is just ridiculous. No one man has enough insanity to keep up with Flint. He’ll have to buy it from Insania, a loony country whose main exports are cabin fever and corn.

Flint and the man eventually fall over in exhaustion after their triathlon. The man reveals his name as Damon, who wants to compete in the Olympics more than anything. But suddenly, Damon recoils in pain, grasping his head as the biggest of ancient migraines hits him while he’s down. Then he stands up, roaring in agony!

…well, Sarah, you looked the most interested in him. Go blow him back up.

Damon calls for Muscles, who speeds over several hills to meet up with the group. Muscles gives Damon a quick massage on his arm and Hulks him back up, but our heroes just end up calling Damon a cheater. Flint and Damon begin fighting over Muscles, but a happy beam of love from resident mascot Get-A-Long knocks them both out, and Damon deflates all over again. You know, super-strength ain’t worth it if it vanishes at a moment’s notice. At this rate, Damon could get a cold and the super-strength would die from complications.

Sarah decides to help Damon train the right away. This leads into a traning montage involving Tony, Damon, and the surprising lack of an 80s montage song. They all start running when they-

D’AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH

Oh, I forgot. This show has a vampire.

A flaming vampire.

A vampire named – I’m not kidding – MERLOCK HOLMES, who wears extremely short pants, dresses in lace, and ALSO travels through time.

You’re welcome.

So Merlock has a huge (perverted) crush on Sarah, which is why he keeps showing up and ruining my day. Flint offers Merlock the chance to train with them, but Merlock claims that he’s SUCH an awesome runner that he would totally own them. Of course, when Sarah says that she wanted Merlock to run with her, the resulting vampiric boner is so astounding that he agrees.

And so he died. Good night.

While Merlock’s companion Bindi drags him over to the shade of a tree, Damon starts whining and asks Muscles for some help. Muscles shoots that down. “You gotta do it yourself!” he says, crossing his arms. This gives Damon the encouragement he needs to run away crying, which the group considers to be a good thing…somehow. I dunno. It’s not like this show is making any sense. Fortunately, some werelogic is terrorizing the village, so let’s hope this show gets bitten in time for the full moon.

Suddenly, Petra Fina and her goons appear in robes while setting up a finish line for Muscles. In the middle of the finish line is Petra’s Petra Stamp, which can turn any Time Shifter evil. Things get serious when Muscles runs into the stamp and falls under Petra’s control. Her first order? “Petra-Pump” that do-gooder Flint!

Of course, Muscles fails these basic instructions by grabbing Sarah on the arm. Sarah bends over in pain and she…um, wait, what are you doing?

NO.

STOP.

THIS IS A SATURDAY MORNING CARTOON SHOW, GUYS.

Fortunately, that angel of mercy Merlock sweeps in with the censorship, enchanting his cape to cover Sarah as she grows into a giant. Even better – Merlock casts a spell to give King-Sized Sarah some new clothing. He snaps his fingers, the cape drops, and-

What the – DAMN IT, MERLOCK!

Did you REALLY have to dress her up in something so DEMEANING? That costume is pushing boundaries of taste we just surpassed a moment ago! And while I don’t believe in excessive censorship, I think that Apache Chief moment back there wasn’t neccessary. Apache Chief knows what I mean. Remember that time he got so drunk that he grew to giant size and tried to make out with the Statue of Liberty Everybody was trying to get their kids to avert their eyes. I didn’t – I just pointed at him and told my girlfriend, “See, that’s exactly how I want you to do that”.

So Evil Muscles is resting on Sarah’s chest – I KNOW, just go with it – and Sarah flings the offending Time Shifter away. She starts crying because…well, look at her. Tony asks Get-A-Long if he can change Sarah back to normal, but…

Yeeeeeaaaaaah. You go ahead and keep covering your breasts, Sarah. After all, once you see them, you’ll understand why she calls them “Sodom and Gomorrah”.

Petra Fina orders Muscles to attack, and so he transforms into Muscles-Con, a massive monster riddled with spikes. Muscles-Con fires what looks like pipe cleaners to tie up Flint, but when the monster attacks Sarah, she promptly beats the crap out of it with her newfound power. Gee, maybe if you didn’t give SUPER-STRENGTH to one of the good guys, this wouldn’t have happened!

Muscles-Con fires his spikes like missiles. Rocky becomes giant-sized (yeah, he can do that) and Sarah uses him to bat the missiles at Petra and her goons. Muscles-Con then rushes Sarah, and the two lock grips in a battle of brawn, each striving to-

QUIT TAKING PICTURES OF HER BUTT YOU FAIRY.

Okay, you know what? That’s the third indecent moment I’ve seen in this cartoon. Again, I don’t support excessive censorship for children, but this is pushing it. For all the hate against censoring anime brought over to America, at least now I have an idea why it’s done. Even worse, that homoerotic vampire makes peepin’ look easy. If kids watch this, they won’t know how hard they have to work on their peepin’ to get into the good peepin’ schools. What options do they have otherwise? Online peepin’ degrees? Yeah, THAT’LL hold up in an interview.

Sarah throws Muscles-Con onto the ground with a giant swing. Strangely enough, Muscles-Con pulls a Damon of his own by tearing up and running away. And since it’s always wise to challenge giant monsters to races, Damon and Flint pursue. The goal – first one to the Parthenon wins! The winner gets to carve “YOU GUYZ R FAGGOTS” in one of the columns for future generations to discover.

Petra and her goons fly up in their ugly ship and start flinging sports-themed projectiles at the racers. I guess aiming’s not one of the events, though, because they fling a bunch of hammers at Muscles-Con and cause him to revert back to his normal form. Petra readies a final attack, but Sarah grabs the ship and flings it away like her own style of discus toss. Beautiful shot! Too bad women aren’t allowed to compete in the Olympics in this time period. Hey, does anyone have a giant kitchen we can tell her to get back into?

Muscles collapses out of weakness, and Damon picks him up, running all the way up the Parthenon steps to finish the face. As they lie down, Damon vows to train hard and compete in the Olympics in honor of his friendship with Muscles. This line is so cheesy that the Petra Stamp immediately dissolves. It’s easy to see why – the line majored in cheesiness while attending college.

With that, our heroes return to their school. And Sarah’s back to normal, thank God. I feel so dirty now that I think I need to clean myself with a car buffer. They discover that their class is STILL running, led by an angry Miss Iknow who-

D’AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH

So. Flint the Time Detective, ladies and gentlemen. At the end of the day, I’m not sure how it settles. It’s an innocent show for the most part. The dialogue’s kinda cheesy and I’ve seen better slapstick, but it’s okay. You’ll get more mileage out if it through your nostalgia goggles, though – I don’t think today’s kids will exactly eat it up.

As for the censorship issues…it’s a product of the times. Back in the 90s you could get away with a lot more. Hell, in another episode a character blatantly SMOKES in front of the children while discussing a plot point. Me, I don’t have a problem with that so much. Children are more mature than you think. That’s why Batman: The Animated Series and Animaniacs are so great – this censorship looseness allowed the writers to create truly great material.

But since Japan’s got different ideas on what children should be allowed to see, it’s not surprising that it pushes beyond our comfort zone. Maybe that’s why censorship has tightened so recently – with the incredible popularity of importing anime, parents are getting scared with what their children could be seeing. I understand the concern, but we can’t protect our children from everything. The world is far more complex than the happy environment we try to create. Yes, it’s full of pain…but it’s that same pain that allows us to grow and conquer, and to create truly great works of art.

I guess what I’m saying is to keep everything in moderation. And get involved with your kids, too. No matter what they see, it’s up to you to help carve their lives in the right direction.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, my soul feels tainted after seeing all that underage skin. I think I’ll have a cigarette. Take my mind off of it with some delicious cancer.

(Flint the Time Detective is copyrighted to its respective owners. Episode donated by Ryantherebel.)

After Sonic the Hedgehog came out, many other video game companies tried to cash in with their own animals of attitude. Bubsy the Bobcat is probably the king of that crop. Not because he was good, mind you – he failed just as much as the others. It’s just that his fall from grace was far more satisfying. Kinda like that plane crash where all the passengers were villians from Christmas specials.

But Accolade (the guys behind Bubsy) really wanted their mascot to succeed. To that end, they decided that a full-fledged animated series was just the thing Bubsy needed to capture the limelight. If it worked for Mario and Sonic, why not him?

Of course, Accolade failed to account for two major factors:

1. Mario and Sonic landed cartoons because their games were popular, fun, and competent.
2. Except for the Saturday morning Sonic cartoon, the Mario and Sonic shows BLOW CHUNKS.

Bubsy was no different. Only one episode of his crappy cartoon was made, shown on Thanksgiving Day and promptly forgotten. The only way you can see it now is on video sharing sites. But here’s the Challenge of the Superfriends: can you actually sit through it without feeling disgusted afterwards? Don’t worry, everyone! I’ve already watched it for you. And now I know what I’m getting you for Christmas. Here’s a hint: after it knocks down your house, they’ll have room to build a highway.

Fortunately, Bubsy is one of those cartoons that you will instantly hate after watching the intro. Really, how are you going to take him seriously after he tries to brush his teeth with a handheld grinder? It gets worse at warp speed – after Bubsy eats breakfast, he goes down a slide and does…well, this.

That’d better not be a rain dance. Last time Bubsy did that, it started raining men. And since my god makes people by throwing them away, I got a religious holiday.

So the episode is actually called “What Could Possibly Go Wrong?”. It’s also Bubsy’s catchphrase. Would you be surprised if I told you that Bubsy quickly destroys any charm this catchphrase might have by saying it over and over? Then again, it’s not like Bubsy isn’t good at ruining things. Apparently, after he uses the bathroom, the toilet gets a Purple Heart.

Speaking of lack of charm, Bubsy himself is an asshole. Even though his “sidekick” Arnold the Armadillo doesn’t want anything to do with him, Bubsy is insistent on being an obnoxious and completely unlikeable “hero”. Even worse is when Bubsy’s nephew and niece come over to celebrate their birthday. Bubsy promptly tells them that Arnold is hiding under the couch, and the twins start pulling on him and rolling him into bowling pins.

Seriously, I have never felt more sorry for an animal than I do for Arnold the Armadillo. All throughout this cartoon, he is abused and humiliated by Bubsy, who is too much of a dense jackass to realize what he’s doing. Plus you’ve got the twins who treat him like utter crap. Look, Arnold, food and shelter are not worth this abuse. Besides, I know other Batman villians who need childhood abuse more than you do. Don’t be selfish.

So Bubsy is watching a TV news report about a helmet that makes the wearer’s thoughts come true. Naturally, this is the best thing to put in the hands of an idiotic bobcat, so he decides to go the inventor’s lab and test it. Meanwhile, the report gets the attention of some fat cat lady across town, who wants to use the helmet for her own selfish needs. I guess hard work is too much of a hassle, huh? Sounds like the kind of person who hires a guy in India to buy Baltic Avenue for her.

Bubsy, Arnold, and the twins swing over to the lab where they meet up with inventor of the helmet, a Vergil Reality. (OH GEE THAT IS QUITE CLEVER.) Vergil tells Bubsy to make sure his wish is specific, but paying attention and counting are things Bubsy has difficulty with.

“I wanna fly!”

“I’M SORRY, MY TEXT PARSER DOESN’T UNDERSTAND THAT PHRASE. DID YOU MEAN ‘PLANE THAT VANISHES MID-FLIGHT’?”

Eventually Bubsy wishes everyone back into the lab after some hijinks. The twins announce how bored they are and ask to play with the helmet, but Vergil cuts that noise short. Unfortunately, while Bubsy is blindly placing the helmet on a chair, Male Twin switches the chair with Girl Twin’s head, and they sneak out with the helmet in their possession. Man, is Bubsy’s ENTIRE family a bunch of unlikeable douchebags? I can just imagine Halloween. “Trick or treat! The one you choose will determine if you find your dog before he runs out of oxygen.”

Outside the lab, Fat Cat Lady’s minions fly overhead – a vulture carrying a shrew. (They have names, but I would have to actually care if I was to learn them.) They see the twins fighting over the helmet, so they divebomb right at them. Apparently divebombing is really slow, because while they’re doing it:

1. The twins wish for ponies, speedboats, and giant birthday cakes. (It’s their birthday, by the way.)
2. The shrew is hit by lightning and a passing plane.
3. The vulture READS A COOKBOOK to find the best recipe for cooking bobcat twins.

Come on, guys! I know it’s a cartoon, but that doesn’t mean you can skimp on logic. These guys are right above the lab, not a thousand feet in the air. It shouldn’t take that long to swoop down. We wouldn’t tolerate that with planes. Ever been on a plane that took five hours to land? I’m just saying – if you didn’t fly female planes next to the males, then the males wouldn’t keep losing focus.

So when they land, Vulture walks up to the twins and demands the helmet. Male Twin responds by wishing for a roller coaster and taking them all on a crazy ride. Meanwhile, Bubsy and the others go outside to find that all of reality has been changed into a massive theme park. When the twins shoot by, Bubsy grabs on the end of their car along with Arnold. They ride for a while until Bubsy tells them to “stop it this instant”.

Bubsy and Arnold are hurtled all the way back to their house. (Somehow.) After landing, Bubsy then walks into Male Twin’s giant toe, because now the twins are suddenly Godzilla-sized. They accidentally step on Bubsy and Arnold, and shrink back down to normal size because they figure they’re in trouble. And you’re damn right they are! Look at all the trouble you caused, you little snots! What do you have to say for yourselves?

“But it’s our BIRTHDAY!”

“AND NOW IT’LL BE YOUR FUNERAL”

Unfortunately, before I can kill these little assholes, Vulture drops Shrew on the twins. Shrew grabs the helmet and burrows through the dirt Bugs Bunny style, but Bubsy stops him with a shovel. Fortunately, Shrew is even dumber than Bubsy, so he agrees to trade the helmet for a stick of dynamite disguised as a corn dog.

Okay, mission accomplished. We got the helmet back. Now, where were we?

Ah, yes.

DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE

But once again, my triumph is spoiled when Vulture flies past and grabs the twins, along with the helmet! Get back here, you crazy bird! Look, you can have their flesh – all I want is their bones!

So Vulture and Shrew give Fat Cat Lady the helmet, and she starts wishing for expensive stuff while the two minions go off to cook the twins. Meanwhile, Bubsy goes back to Vergil’s lab and starts moping about how much he screwed up. He picks up Arnold and beats himself in the head, then lets him fall into some random electrical field, which somehow helps Bubsy cheer himself up. Boy, that was fast. God knows I can’t cheer people up that easily. The best I’ve done is telling someone, “The good news is that your house is on fire.”

Okay! Now that Bubsy is back in the game, he needs a cunning plan to figure out the address to Vulture and Shrew’s hideout! And what is this great plan?

“I’ll just look ‘em up in the phone book!”

He just CALLS Shrew and basically asks him where his address is. Shrew, being a total dingbat, doesn’t think twice of it. Still, there’s no reason for Bubsy to do this. Why? Well, last time I checked, ADDRESSES WERE ALSO PRINTED IN THE PHONE BOOK.

SO ANYWAY, after the twins escape Vulture and Shrew, Bubsy and the gang bop over to Fat Cat Lady’s place to get the helmet back. What ensues is a dragged-out scene where everyone fights over the helmet, and the thing jumps around on everyone’s heads like a horny flea. Eventually it lands on Bubsy, and at this point, the thing is shorting out, so Bubsy makes one last wish to stop the bad guys.

Hooray! These extremely lame and incompetent villians were easily defeated by what amounted to magic. What better way for this episode to end than for the helmet to explode and ELECTROCUTE EVERYONE TO DEATH.

…okay, that didn’t happen. But it might as well have! It’s easy to see why this show wasn’t picked up. The animation was terrible, the characters annoying, the physical comedy weak, the source material doomed to failure, the sentence overbearing, the patience running thin, the reader gasping for air, the commas happy for work.

Just remember – for all of the awful things you see on TV these days, it could’ve been a lot worse. I just know that if this show was picked up, I would’ve dropped it like a bad habit. You know, like aiming before you shoot a squirrel.

Dancin’ Bubsy GIF procured from Femmegasm, which has just wrapped up a storyline involving the ghost of Bubsy. It pleases me, because I like to think Bubsy did himself in with a Hemingway special.

When we last saw Ronald and his friends, they had just escaped the rain by taking refuge inside a spooky house. However, some mysterious force locks the front door, and now the group has no choice but to look around. With all that camping filler out of the way, maybe now this video will finally get interesting. (Plus, with this empty haunted house, maybe now we can film my documentary – “The Munsters: Missed ‘Em By 45 Years.”)

And hey, what better way to start this off than with ANOTHER song? Can’t let things get too interesting, after all. While this song isn’t as awful as the first one, it’s still got a bunch of awkward pauses and drawn out words. It’s like the song writers were grasping for something, anything to pad it out. I was waiting for them to use bits from other songs so they didn’t have to think as hard. It’s practically seamless. Just like that one song from Pinocchio – “When you wish upon a star…nothing can stop the smooze.”

After the song, the group moves into another hallway with three steel doors. Hamburglar notices the doors have no knobs. A dead end? Maybe not – just then, the lights dim, and a ghostly image of an old man’s head is revealed.

INCOMING MESSAGE FROM THE BIG GIANT HEAD

Big Giant Head tells them a riddle:

“Never push and never pull,
you’re finished when your plate is full.
Exercise your force of will,
you proceed by standing still.”

Instead of answering the riddle, the Fry Kids say “screw this” and try to kick down one of the doors. They are rewarded with a tumble into a dark pit.

Oh, no! They spoiled my surprise for Hamburglar!

Ronald realizes that solving the riddle must be the key to opening one of the doors. Tika finds a massive picture of a plate on the floor, and when everyone stands still on it, the middle door swings open. Huh. You know, that riddle was actually a bit clever. I’m impressed. I just wish my riddles were that good. See, here’s one I wrote:

“What’s black, white, and red all over?
If a cop tells you the answer, pretend I’m not here.”

After going through the door, the group eventually makes their way into a big library. Hamburglar finds a random lever next to the fireplace, and since he hasn’t learned anything from the Fry Kids episode, he pulls on it. This spins a bookcase that the Chicken McNuggets were standing next to, shifting them to a secret room.

By the way, if you just asked, “who the hell are the Chicken McNuggets?”, you’re nailed another problem this cartoon has. The only reason that so many people came on this camping trip was because the plot needed victims for traps. You know why I didn’t mention the McNuggets up until this point? Because they don’t DO anything worth mentioning. Neither do the Fry Kids, who practically vanish into the background. (Gives ‘em time to drive to McDonalds and pick up a Snack Wrap.)

So, seeing as how this place is kinda dangerous, Ronald tells everyone to not touch anything.

Hamburglar I am going to TAKE YOUR FACE.

The Big Giant Head pops up again with another riddle: “It’s not hard to understand, find the door with your left hand.” This reminds Ronald of a trick you can use in a maze – just keep a hand to the wall on your left, and you’ll eventually find your way out. And if that’s not a great lead-in to another song, I don’t know what is! Well, I do, but while I’m throwing chainsaws, you can’t move, okay?

The group finally escapes the maze into another room where the walls shift as soon as they approach the door. To stop the walls from moving, everyone stands in the center of the room and spreads out. To…confuse the walls, I guess? Well, whatever the reason, it doesn’t really matter, because as soon as Grimace touches the doorknob, the entire room disappears!

Great job, Neo!

The Big Giant Head swoops down and congratulates the group on their progress. We learn that the head’s name is Franklin and that this whole adventure was just one big computer game. (Wow, I totally wasn’t expecting such a cop-out.) Now, the group has to pit their brains against Franklin in a riddle-tastic final showdown! If they win, they get their friends back. If they lose, they get their friends back…who can now be combined with other Legos.

Things quickly go downhill. Tika misses the first riddle, so she falls down a hole. And even with the help of Birdie, Hamburglar bombs his riddle, and a swirling whirlwind blows the two away. Now it’s down to Ronald, Grimace, and Sundae, and with that all-star lineup, Ronald is practically their last hope. (By the way, the answers to the riddles are also the traps. Keep this in mind for later.)

Franklin gives Ronald a big riddle. “What costs nothing, but is worth everything? Weighs nothing, but last lifetimes? That one person can’t own, but two people can share?” Apparently this riddle is so awesome that Ronald repeats it out loud, while the wind from earlier generates a massive storm. Franklin also starts shouting at Ronald while bouncing around. It really makes me uncomfortable. I mean, there are only a few parts on a human being that I want to jiggle, and Franklin has none of them.

Grimace gets so frightened that he begs Ronald not to leave him alone. But wait, that gives Ronald the answer!

“The answer is FRIENDSHIP!”

…wait, hold on. If the answers are also the traps, what would happen if Ronald got that wrong? Would he, like, lose his friendship with Griamce? How would that work? And how do you make a trap out of “friendship”, anyway? It’s not as easy as if the answer was, say, “bitchin’ fire cobras”.

Franklin throws a fit that Ronald got the correct answer, and he pisses off somewhere to think of another riddle. While Franklin’s distracted, Sundae discovers a clue – a wire connected to a TV camera!

…wait, how did no one see that?

They follow the wire to a metal door. Opening the door reveals a secret laboratory, and the real truth behind the game – it’s actually run by a kid named Franklin, not an old guy. Apparently Tika’s played the game before, but since she couldn’t beat it by herself, she worked with the McNuggets to lure Ronald to the house. It was a good plan. After all, Ronald solved most of the riddles while everyone else was practically useless. I’m just glad Franklin didn’t ask Grimace to think up an answer to a riddle. After all, my mom has a lot of plants, and she’d freak if they all died at once.

Ronald and the others confront Franklin and force him to admit defeat. Just then, Franklin’s dad, Dr. Quizzical, enters the room and scolds Franklin for causing mischief. He gathers everyone in the lobby to explain how he came by as soon as he saw lightning spark near the house. (Apparently Franklin keeps reprogramming the virtual reality projectors for his game, and the lightning told Quizzical what was up.)

Meanwhile, Tika apologizes for tricking Ronald. She just wanted him to play the game with her, and she couldn’t think of any other way to do it. Other than, you know, ASKING him. Sure, Franklin wasn’t SUPPOSED to be using the projectors, but all Tika would have to do is feign ignorance. And hey, it would’ve been a lot more direct than going through all that camping nonsense. That’s two songs we could’ve cut out and given to needy children. (Just as long as you don’t sing about food and a warm bed to sleep in.)

But in the end, everything works out. Quizzical takes the group back to their campsite, and after Franklin apologizes for scaring everyone, Ronald lets him come too. And so, the cartoon ends with everyone roasting marshmallows around the fire and laughing while the camera pans upward to the moon.

Tika: Hey, Ronald, I’m also sorry for not telling you that I’m a werewolf.

At this point we have no idea what happens. Did everyone have a good time? Or did the phantom of Far-Flung Woods come out and kill everyone? Just remember – even if the phantom kills campers, it doesn’t mean that he’s evil. See, look – he’s giving the bodies to those hungry cannibals.

Okay, okay, they’re not dead. But the video’s not over yet – we shift back to live-action as Ronald and Sundae slide down a tube back into their home. Later that night, they watch another scary movie. Ronald asks Sundae if he really wants to watch it before bedtime, but Sundae’s cool with it – with a friend like Ronald by his side, he isn’t afraid of anything.

Sundae: By the way, what’s this movie called again?

So that’s “Scared Silly”. It’s not good, but I’ve seen worse. I have to say, Franklin’s riddles were actually pretty unique. Plus, the whole concept of Franklin’s game reminds me of Knightmare, a British game show where children explored a puzzle-filled dungeon. That’s kinda cool. Then again, I doubt the writers were that clever. I also doubt their plotting and songwriting abilities – all the filler and bad music really weighed this cartoon down, and as a cartoon for Halloween, it fails to live up to expectations. Watch something else with your kids. Like The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Anyway, that’s all for me. Thanks for reading, and I hope your Halloween is a good one. You go ahead – I already had my Halloween a few months back. I didn’t have any candy, but it was cool. All the kids wanted were my TV and XBox.

Remember McDonaldLand, that wonderful world of whimsy from those classic McDonalds’ commercials? I sure do. The idea of a magical place filled with people who love cheap burgers made eating at McDonalds feel really special. These days McDonaldLand has been phased out, which is a shame. Now McDonalds needs to get creative to push those Happy Meals. “When you buy a Happy Meal, you get great food and a cool toy. Even better, now your Happy Meal won’t be ground up and fed to horses.”

Now, McDonaldLand commercials usually played out a basic scenario with characters like Birdie, Grimace, or the Hamburglar. They’re the kind of episodic stories you’d see in a children’s show. That might be why McDonalds teamed up with animation company Klasky-Csupo to produce The Wacky Adventures of Ronald McDonald, a series of tapes sold at McDonalds’ restaurants. The first tape, called “Scared Silly”, was promoted as a spooky-type story. Made sense, since Halloween was around the corner at the time. I knew this because my uncle gets paid to hunt down superheroes and carve them out for children to wear.

I didn’t watch these tapes when they first came out, but thanks to the power of the Internet, I can finally see what “Scared Silly” is all about. And since Halloween is coming up in a few weeks, why not jaunt through some appropriate nostalgia? The only question – does “Scared Silly” live up to the hype? For $3.49, it’d better. With that money, I could’ve had a butler for, like, five seconds.

So each video actually starts off with a live-action segment. If you’re here to see all the other McDonaldLand characters in glorious realism, prepare to be disappointed. Only Ronald is featured in these segments, along with his faithful companion…

…Whatever The Hell This Thing Is.

Actually, this amazingly ugly creature is Ronald’s dog Sundae. He only shows up in these tapes, and that’s a good thing considering how hideous and creepy he looks. It’s obvious this freak was based off the animation design (which we’ll get to in a minute) because no sane designer at McDonalds would make a costume this horrifying. Still, I’m surprised Sundae is hanging around Ronald. You’d think he’d look better with a different clown. Like that guy from It. Or Johnny Knoxville.

So while Sundae and Ronald are watching an old horror movie together, some alarm goes off and spooks them both. It’s the alarm for Ronald’s picture phone, so he slides downstairs via a pole and answers it, bringing up some random girl named Tika who invites him to go camping in Far-Flung Woods. You know, that’s always been my problem with McDonaldLand. How do these random kids become Ronald’s friend? Do you have to get introduced by Captain Crunch or something? Maybe you just need to save Ronald from an assassin armed with BK Chicken Fries.

Ronald agrees to go camping, and after calling his friends, he leaps into a ball pit that leads to a tube spiralling towards ground floor. And that’s the thing – while Ronald slides down this tube, he somehow transforms into a cartoon version of himself. Of course, since Klasky-Csupo was involed, we have to see their ugly art style at work, giving Animated Ronald an incomplete hairdo and MASSIVE M.C. HAMMER PANTS that make him look bottom heavy. Maybe it’s a subtle poke at the long-term health effects of eating at McDonalds. (EDITOR’S NOTE – We later found out that Ronald’s pants are the first portable Ronald McDonald House.)

So Ronald lands in a ball pit in the garage. Sundae, who leaped in the tube after Ronald, lands in it too. You know, he was pretty creepy in live-action. I wonder what he looks like when he’s animated?

Ah, good. He’s still incredibly horrifying. Just checking.

Ronald opens the garage door to reveal Tika and all of the other friends he invited, including the standard group of Birdie, Grimace, and the Hamburglar. Hope you weren’t expecting them to look presentable! Klasky-Csupo has made sure cartoon Birdie looks ridiculously thin and short, while the Hamburglar has abandoned his usual stripes for a black jacket, red shorts, and stupid goggles. I don’t understand why these characters had to be redesigned. What was wrong with how they looked before? I guess somebody looked at the live-action Hamburglar and went, “Okay, we gotta slim him down. He looks too fat-it’s like there’s another guy in there!”

Everyone gets in the car and heads towards Far-Flung Woods. Tika almost immediately brings up something called the Far-Flung Phantom, which is apparently a spirit that haunts the woods and frightens innocent campers. This scares Grimace. (ProTip: Everything scares Grimace.) Ronald tells Grimace it’s just a story, and instead of passing around scary stuff like that, what they need is a good driving song.

So one begins. Yep. Surprising no one, there are a couple of songs throughout the video. So what better way to start this off than to sing one of the WORST songs on the entire tape? You know you’re off to a bad start when your song refrains four times with this compelling list of things you’ll find in the forest:

“There’s flowers!”
“And squirrels!”
“And fish!”
“And frogs!”
“Caves and rocks!”
“And lots of logs!”

HOLY CRAP! Man, forget video games and explosions, we’ve got ROCKS AND LOGS! HELL YEAH! Then maybe at the campfire we can have some BREAD and WATER! GONZO!

After the song mercifully ends, they park and hike out to their camping spot which, according to Ronald, takes more than THREE HOURS to get there. Why the hell would you park your car so damn far from the campsite? To fill time, of course! And fill it they do-from Sundae getting chased by a squirrel in camo pants to the group escaping from an angry bear, there’s no shortage of wacky filler to go around. I guess this is where Seltzer and Friedburg got their ideas for padding out Disaster Movie.

Along the way, a walkie talkie falls out of Tika’s backpack. When Birdie returns it, Tika quickly makes up an excuse about needing them in case they get seperated. While this is a perfectly good reason to bring walkie-talkies to a camping trip, this still draws Birdie’s suspicion. It’s compounded when she also notices a camera emerge out of a branch and study her before retracting. Does Birdie warn Ronald about this? No. That’s assuming she was smart. At most she probably thought, “Now how can I poop on that?”

Eventually the group arrives at the campsite and sets up. Later they roast marshmallows by the fire, and when Hamburglar brings up the Far-Flung Phantom again, Ronald decides to take a walk. It’s during this walk that Ronald spots a strange house in the distance.

Now let’s backtrack for a minute here. Remember how I told you this video was advertised during Halloween, implying a spooky atmosphere? Let’s take a look at the cover real fast.

Judging by this cover, would you expect that the first SIXTEEN MINUTES of the video would be taken up by songs and camping, and only JUST NOW would we see the haunted house? And the characters aren’t even at the damn house yet – they’re still at the campsite! For something promoted as a cartoon for Halloween, it sure feels like a bait and switch, doesn’t it? I can just imagine kids squirming in their seats, wondering when the good part’s going to come on. Just like church.

Back at the campsite, Hamburlgar hoiss a fake ghost on a rope, making it fly around and scare everyone. Ronald comes back to the site and figures it’s Hamburglar causing trouble, so he gets Grimace to help him pull down on the ghost as it swoops by. The rope was slung over a branch, so this pulls Hamburglar up, over the branch, and back down to earth with a painful impact. (Little known fact: this is how Hamburglar developed his vocal tic of “robble robble”. It’s also why he can’t tell you what 2+5 is.)

Suddenly, stormclouds gather, and it starts to rain. Since the group didn’t expect rain, they didn’t bother to pack any raingear. Ronald notices a bunch of large flowers on a bush, and when he picks one and blows into the end, the petals unfurl into a makeshift umbrella.

Tika: “Hey, this should keep us dry, as long as it doesn’t get too-”

“-windy.”

Well, that was entirely pointless. Thanks a bunch.

So the group grabs what they need for the night and head to the obviously haunted house. They all rush inside, only to have the door lock behind them and trap them all inside. All they can do now is explore the house and see what lurks down its halls. See, you wouldn’t have this problem if you had planned for bad weather. Being in the woods is no excuse. Just use your cellphone to check online for weather updates. For a more personal weather report, you should check out my grandma’s weather blog at “mykneeisactingup.com”.

Now we are officially nineteen minutes into the video. Not counting the theme song, we have just burned almost HALF of this video with pointless filler. And what’s worse is that there’s no reason for it. Would it have been so hard to get the group to a haunted house earlier in the movie? Like, for example, a plot where they hear about a haunted house and decide to investigate because they think they can prove it’s not haunted. Sure, it’s cliche, but at least it would’ve gotten to the point a bit faster!

Well, since this is about forty or so minutes long, I’m gonna have to break this review up into two parts. Time for some dramatic narrative text. Ahem:

WILL RONALD AND HIS FRIENDS DISCOVER THE SECRET OF THE HAUNTED HOUSE? WILL IT EVER STOP RAINING? WILL THIS VIDEO DRASTICALLY IMPROVE DURING ITS SECOND HALF AND MAKE “SCARED SILLY” ONE OF THE BEST CARTOONS OF 1998? THE ANSWER: IT’S NOT FOR SALE. TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR THE EXCITING CONCLUSION!