Giant Robot Invasion! – Home of Comedy Writer Matt Willard

Here it is – my apology for the recent lack of updates. Rest assured that I am working on ways to fix that problem.

In the meantime, you and everyone you know is a Hitler. Watch the video above and find out how much of a Hitler you really are. It’s your duty! Since, you know, you’re Hitler and all.

I’ve got problems just like you. I worry about my work, my finances, my relationships…typical stuff. But what catches me off-guard is when I get a problem I wasn’t expecting. At least with a crummy job or marriage, you can say that other people have gone through the same thing. But what happens when you run smack into an obstacle that seems like it was tailored just for you? You know how it is. It feels like you’re being singled out. It’s like playing Duck Duck Goose, except that when you’re the goose, you chase divorce papers around the circle while your wife tongues your friend.

In my case, it’s delayed karma. When I was in third grade, I once made fun of another student who always had to wash his hands before joining his class in the lunchroom. I guess the Greek god of slow and ironic punishment decided I needed to learn a lesson, because now I have an obsessive need to make sure doors I use are locked. I just wonder what took Jerk-icles so long to curse me. I guess he was waiting until I lowered my guard long enough. You know me – I’d confiscate your erection if I thought it was a security risk.

A little backstory behind this one. Hark back to 2004, when I was living in Pensacola, Florida as a junior in high school. By that time, I was an experienced hurricane survivalist. Florida’s a hot spot for some wicked storms, after all, and the street I lived on was even more vulnerable since it lived next door to a series of docks leading out into the bay. But that wasn’t enough to keep our family rooted during Hurricane Erin and Opal. (I think Dad’s reluctance to leave his computer was the primary cause there.)

So when Hurricane Ivan charged on through the Panhandle, me and my mother stayed home. This, like many other decisions I made that year, proved to be a stupid idea. Ivan wreaked havoc across our entire street, flooding our house, knocking down trees and shutting off access to electricity for days. It wasn’t completely unbearable, though – not only did I discover that the MREs passed out by FEMA are damn tasty, but we bonded with our neighbors and built memories that I’ll treasure my whole life. That way, when I die, the memories will fetch a good price on Antiques Roadshow.

But I felt I had to stay on guard. Sure, the situation didn’t degrade into Mad Max levels, but I can get pretty paranoid. After I heard reports of people posing as FEMA workers to scam victims, I adopted my father’s old “lockdown” routine, where I’d check all the doors in our house to make sure everything was closed tight. Six years later, I’m still fussing over it. I know it’s stupid to check locks multiple times. I’m pretty sure they don’t undo themselves, unless you haven’t been paying them, in which case they’ll drop out the door and go to McDonalds without telling you. And yet, it’s very hard to quit. Why can I change other habits while this one holds a death grip on my soul?

Hmmm. Guess I’m just a sucker for great legs.

And it’s not just with the front and back door, either. Any door can fall victim to my curse. When I close a fridge door, I press in on the handle to make sure it’s sealed. When I exit a car, I tap in the door even after the lock clearly snaps in place. Even the trunk doesn’t get a free pass – I have to slap it down. I’m just afraid someone who got sent to the doghouse will find the open trunk and think it’s an upgrade.

But it’s not like I’m in dire straits or anything. At most, my little habit is annoying, but it hardly encompasses my life. Hell, I’ve got it easy. Did you know Marc Summers, the host of Double Dare, would redo his homework from scratch if he made a single mistake? I’m not sure if my brain can comprehend a life where EVERYTHING had to look perfect. But you know what they say about walking a mile in someone’s shoes. (When you work as a loan shark, you take whatever payments you can get.)

Still, I’m convinced this is a habit I can eventually stop. I’ve broken them before, and I feel I can break this one. Mind you, this habit is fortified within a spiked fortress defended by flaming griffons, but I’m willing to take the shot. Besides, I went to high school with a hydrogen bomb and helped it during algebra. I think it’s time to call in a favor.

What about you? Do you have any obsessive behaviors?