Giant Robot Invasion!

Everyone hate Jonas NOW.

HAAAAAAAAAAAATE.

Why should you hate this creature? It’s only because he’s the ultimate source of malcontent in a house belonging to a thing called Wimzie. And trust me, I’m surprised the house itself hasn’t been set on fire yet. It’s a place populated by trolls, goblins, birds and dragons. What doesn’t belong in this picture? Answer: God. Because there’s no way God would let this house of evil stand for so long unless he was being distracted by something. The story of that distraction is told in Paradise Lost, or in a version for thirteen year olds called Lucifer VS. Master Chief.

But every other creature in Wimzie’s House is baked potatoes compared to Jonas, who I’m confident causes every problem they encounter. I mean, he is a goblin, after all. You invite one into your house and you’re bound to have trouble. What’s worse is that most goblins can’t ruin lives all day. Not Jonas. While the normal goblins are packing up their goblin tools and getting ready for bed, Jonas is ruining lives 24/7. He’s even got an value menu where you can still get spit in the face after 10 PM.

“Well, whiskers and gravy!” you say. (And don’t think I’m making this up. This is exactly how you talk.) “Jonas is just five years old. He wears a beanie and he wants to be a scientific detective when he grows up. How can he possibly be the cause of all trouble at Wimzie’s House?” But little do you realize that goblins learn how to be a pain in the ass from an early age.

Take the manners episode, for example. In this one, the little monsters are told to use their manners when they go to another creature’s birthday party later that day. So what does Jonas do? Like some kind of misbehaving catalyst, he lets loose a major burp!

Then Wimzie adopts this awful behavior with a burp of her own!

Before I can pick up my monocle, Wimzie’s baby brother burps, too!

And when you think the whole affair is said and done, Barney unloads the biggest burp of all!

Now do you see how skilled Jonas is at spreading his little jerk germs? Soon he’ll know how to lose friends and influence people into trying to kill him. It’s unforgivable.

And you may be saying, “Well, boggles and dash! Surely he didn’t intend to act that way!” You’d be wrong, of course. Jonas actively doesn’t give a whit about other people’s feelings. He goes to amazing lengths just to make sure that he’s right or that he wins. And he loves to mock you, too. Consider another episode where they’re about to play hide and seek. Wimzie is bummed that Jonas always finds where she’s hiding, and Jonas rubs it in with his snarky attitude. Poor Wimzie doesn’t even realize that Jonas pays off the hiding places to tell him where she is!

And it’s not like Wimzie doesn’t try to fight back against this. When she and her friend finds a hiding place that even Jonas hasn’t considered, she tries to stay put until he says ‘uncle’. But saying ‘uncle’ would mean that Jonas would lose, and he doesn’t want that. Goblins hate to lose. No matter what game they’re playing, winning is the highest priority. Goblins will try to out-blow a hurricane if they thought they had a chance.

So Jonas never says “uncle”, and Wimzie hides for so long that her parents start to worry. Everyone scours the house multiple times looking for her. Does Jonas try to stop this at any time? Nope! In fact, it only ends when Wimzie willingly brings herself out of hiding to calm her parents down. And to top it off, Jonas then walks over and tags Wimzie to put her out of the game, since it never really ended because he never said “uncle”! Now Wimzie and her friend are in massive trouble, reduced to tears, and Jonas gets off scotch free!

“Well, peaches and shazbot!” you say. “Surely Jonas has SOME redeeming qualities, right?” WRONG. His redeeming qualities are just bad qualities that pale in comparison to his AWFUL ones. This is readily apparent in another episode where Jonas bores everyone with his logic while Wimzie makes everyone happy with her natural comedic talent. “Well, I’ll show them that I can be fun, too!” he promises, becoming jealous of Wimzie. “Even more fun than Wimzie! More fun than they ever dreamed possible!”

And how does he decide to accomplish this? Goblin stand-up comedy.

“Well, knockers and fizzle!” you say. “Goblin stand-up comedy sounds great!”

Goblin stand-up comedy is HORRIBLE. The performance is lacking, the jokes are badly written, and there aren’t actually any jokes. It’s just running around and making random noises. Goblins think this is hilarious, but since goblin stand-up offends entire nations, it’s not something to break out around your friends. And you’ll get in trouble for it. You know how it works. One day you try some goblin improv, the next you aren’t allowed to tell jokes within fifty yards of a playground…things like that.

Man, even the CLOTHES Jonas wears can ruin your good time. This diagram illustrates how each article of clothing works together to ride your ass ALL DAY LONG.

So that’s why you must loathe Jonas. Rub your hands menacingly, and hate him from afar. If we all work together, we may get through to Jonas and make him realize green goblins aren’t welcome around these parts.

Wait a second. Jonas is a green goblin…that means…!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Wimzie’s House is copyrighted to Cookie Jar Group.

As you may already know, I’m a huge fan of GamePro. But did you know there was a short-lived TV show based on the magazine? It makes sense. After all, video games really hit their stride during the 90s with the success of the Nintendo Entertainment System, and later the Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis. It was only a matter of time until producers realized the kind of television bounty they sat on. This discovery spurned the creation of another TV series, The People Who Get To Be On “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous”.

You probably already know about the video game cartoons like the Super Mario Bros. Super Show and Captain N: The Game Master. However, there were also several live-action shows. Most were game shows (like the legendary Where In The World is Carmen Sandiego?) but GamePro TV stayed true to its original format, with all the features found in the original magazine. There was even an episode based on their spinoff magazine called “AdPro”, where they reviewed the commercials that had just aired.

Now, I’ll confess – I didn’t see this show growing up. I only discovered it through a bunch of episodes on YouTube. (I’ll link you at the end of the post.) Still, since GamePro TV embodies the cheesiness of the 90s, I figured I’d cover it. That love for nostalgia is why I’d be a horrible teacher. “Do your homework, and you’ll get an A. Bring me a Beast Wars toy, and you can move on to the third grade.”

By the way, I wasn’t kidding when I said GamePro TV was full of 90s cheese. Watch any of the episodes and you’ll feel like you were dragged back in time to put the 80s out of their misery. The sets are colorfully loud, borrowing design cues from Saved By The Bell, and the soundtrack consists of hardcore rock and techno “music”. But the final cement that holds GamePro TV firmly in 90s culture are the hosts themselves, J.D. Roth and Brennan Howard.

You know, I’m always amazed by how fashion quickly looks outdated and strange to modern eyes. Sure, this effect is far stronger when looking at clothing from the 50s, but even now, I’m sitting here in 20th century clothing wondering where the 90s went wrong. Just soak in those hip outfits. It’s remarkable how this was once considered to be cool, wasn’t it? What’s messed up is that in a hundred years, what I’m wearing now will be considered uncool. What a strange future that will be. No one will try anything that isn’t made from Taylor Swift’s old skin.

At least J.D. Roth could get away with dressing like that. Though his acting wasn’t particularly strong in this show, he’s still interesting to watch. And hey, he’s the guy behind other children’s game shows like Fun House and Masters of the Maze. Guess what? He also did the voice for Jonny Quest on The Real Adventures of Jonny Quest, another beloved 90s cartoon. With an impressive resume like that, it’s hard to find fault with the guy. I’d just wish he would get rid of his sink. After all, when I turn the Bible sideways and squint real hard, it clearly says that owning a sink makes you gay.

No, the real problem rests with Brennan. I theorize that, after being caught in a random dimensional influx, he was infused with the spiritual essence of Bill and Ted. It’s the only reason why he wears silly clothing, sports an electrified hairdo, and speaks in a “RADICAL” surfer dialect. This annoys me. Thanks to Brennan’s interference, GamePro TV will always be grounded in the 90s. And if GamePro keeps this up, it can just forget about going to the prom, too.

Actually, what’s strange about Brennan is that he eventually disappears from the show. Suddenly, J.D. Roth is flying solo, and it’s never explained why. What happened to the B-Man? I can only assume there was tension between Brennan and Roth. After all, the show is called “GamePRO”. That’s singular. J.D. Roth must have challenged Brennan to one final showdown for supremacy. Too bad no one remembers it. Probably because they fought on the exact same day as the Rapture, before it was cancelled due to lack of interest.

What’s interesting is that a few of the episodes hint at the conflict leading up to this final conflict. Just look at Brennan’s face when Roth yanks away a gaming device from him and shouts “Psyche!”

Damn, he looks INSULTED, doesn’t he? And he falls for the “psyche” TWICE. What kind of an asshole does Roth have to be to pull that on Brennan? Especially if Brennan can’t see it coming both times. It’s not fair if you pick on someone stupider than you, man. At least even up the odds first. How long do you think it’d take for you to get Alzheimer’s?

Who knows. Maybe Brennan was jealous of Roth’s magical powers. See, in the recurring segment called “SWAT” (Secret Weapons and Tactics) Roth kept jumping into video game worlds to introduce codes and strategies. I’ve only seen Brennan do it once – most of the time, Roth alone has that power. Could it be that Brennan left the show to gain his own video game powers so he could fight Roth? It would be a pretty radical battle, that’s for sure. Except for the one in my misprinted Bible. You know, the one where Micheal fistfights Judas?

Speaking of SWAT, video game strategies were the main focus of the show. In “Viewer SWAT”, you could send in a video of yourself giving tips for a game, and you could also send in a video asking a video game question for “Ask The Pros”. Of course, since GamePro TV didn’t last long, it’s hard to tell if these videos are fake or not. Many of them sound like they’re reading off scripts. I personally like the one guy in a football jersey who asks for help on John Madden Football – the dear air between his words are so huge that people could live in them on Mars.

There’s also quite a few kids in these videos. It makes more sense than a grown man playing Madden, but they sound fake too. I don’t care how talented your five year old is – we can probably tell when he’s acting. Hell, one kid said he was playing StarTropics, a game for the Nintendo Entertainment System that can get VERY tough. Do they expect us to believe second graders have the patience to stick with a game like that? Hell, I didn’t have the patience to wait for Santa. One year I even stayed up so I could give him a performance review. “Santa, I’m afraid you’ll have to speed up your output if you want to keep working for the Willard household.”

But the main appeal of GamePro TV, to me, are the previews and reviews. You didn’t see them often (usually only one game was reviewed per episode) but they still felt like reviews ripped straight from the magazine. The previews were also interesting to watch, and like I mentioned in my discussion of the GamePro magazine, it’s neat to look back now and see how a hyped game or console really fared. I gotta smirk at Brennan’s enthusiastic coverage of the Sega CD, because we all know what kind of knife in the heart that was to Sega.

Oh, Sega CD. I will never get tired of making fun of you. Even better – if I do it two more times, I can trade this card in for a free hot dog.

GamePro TV only lasted for a year before it got shelved. It’s easy to see why. Despite how much I enjoy it, it’s still cheesy, low-budget fare. Then again, video game shows don’t normally hang around for long, do they? Hell, GamePro TV’s been reincarnated in a few different formats, and it always manages to get shut down fairly quickly. It’s a trend that needs to stop. If we can have a few consistent shows and specials about movies, why can’t we have more programming dedicated to video games? It wouldn’t be hard. Spike II used to do it all the time…you know, back when I used to call the channel G4.

Click here to watch some of the GamePro TV episodes online, uploaded by Nick Fricke of Siliconera.

Some time ago I found something interesting on YouTube-a promotional video advertising the features of a little operating system called Windows 95. Now, I grew up with ‘95 running on old 386 and 486 computers, so you can imagine the warm memories I have about it. Plus, it introduced a bunch of great features that carry over to the versions of Windows we see today. That’s why Windows beat out all the other operating systems for dominance. To be fair, though, Mac OS never saw that steel chair coming.

So, naturally, I watched the video, and, um…well. This is a blog post about that video, so you KNOW I don’t have anything good to say. This video is holding the bad report card, and I’m the one who has to sit there and wonder why the video won’t apply itself in math. Also to make sure the video stays out of the cookie jar. I SAID NO COOKIES BEFORE DINNER, VIDEO!

To be fair, only one section of the video was uploaded. There’s actually three of them-the last two cover a list of features and frequently asked questions about the system. But to get there, you’d either have to fast-foward through the tape or sit through the first section…AKA, the “cyber sitcom”.

I’m surprised no kid has ever seen these windows on their computer and tried to play baseball near it.

The “cyber sitcom” doesn’t seem that bad at first glance. After all, it stars Jennifer Aniston and Matthew Perry from the hit series Friends! Surely with a cast like that, the cyber sitcom can’t possibly…yeah, I’m gonna cut this sentence off right here because I know this is gonna suck to high hell. It kinda reminds me of all those crappy sitcoms FOX makes, and how fast they cancel them. You know, shows like Arrested Development.

Anyway, the “sitcom” starts off with Perry and Aniston waltzing into Microsoft. They want to speak to Bill Gates about starring in his crappy Windows 95 video guide, but Bill’s assistant/harpy Bernice says that Bill’s out at the moment. Instead, Bernice takes Perry and Aniston to Bill’s office to show them the features of Windows 95 herself.

That’s when you realize something. I mean, these top-billed stars are from Friends, right? Wouldn’t the “cyber sitcom” be even better if it had a little bit of that popular show’s magic? That’s what the writers believed, so they went out of their way to add those little Friends-esque one-liners and details that everyone loves.

The only problem? THIS FAILS HORRIBLY.

I’m pretty sure there’s a joke that begins with these three people walking into a bar.

For one thing, Perry and Aniston are CONSTANTLY making unfunny quips throughout the entire “sitcom”. It doesn’t matter what they’re doing. When they’re walking to Bill’s office, they make bad jokes. When they’re using Windows, they make bad jokes. No matter what’s going on, they’ll find any excuse to drop another stupid remark.

Perry: “Sorry that you’ve got cancer, Jennifer.”
Aniston: “Don’t worry, you’re a Leo. We’ll get along fine.”
Cymbal: “HA HA HA HA HA! Oh, man, I’ve always wanted to give Jennifer Aniston a rim shot!”

You’d think that at least one of these lines would make me laugh. But they don’t! I didn’t even smile while I was watching this. And you know what makes it worse? EVERY TIME Perry or Aniston makes a bad joke, they actually play that little music beat you hear on Seinfield. I’m not exaggerating. These jokes suck so much that they had to steal a bit from ANOTHER sitcom just to keep them afloat. Look, if you’re gonna do that, why can’t you make Aniston walk upstairs with a basketball and never come back down?

Okay, I guess I can’t really judge the quality of the jokes because I haven’t watched Friends, but I just can’t shake how bad the writing feels. I hope Friends was written better than this, because if this “cyber sitcom” represents that show’s legacy, the forecast is not looking good. Then again, if I really wanted the Friends experience, I’d just get my own group of friends together and trade witty remarks. Unfortunately, the best lines we come up with will go, “When’s the game on?” and “What does this word mean?”

Now, if the whole “sitcom” was just Perry and Aniston shooting the breeze, I wouldn’t hate it so much. But that’s not the whole story, is it? About halfway through, the “sitcom” suddenly changes direction, and they start bringing in these stereotypical characters to show off certain features of Windows 95. Why? Hell if I know. It’s like the writers watched a group of performers and decided to turn the “sitcom” into an ensemble show. Unfortunately, they forgot that the group performed in a big tent and one of the acts was a guy eating fire.

Hey, it’s one of the Brothers Karamazov! You know…Gary.

Oh, sure, it’s not so bad when Boris the window cleaner thunders in to talk about Plug and Play in his thick accent. But when a nerdy mail guy named Chipster slinks in to demonstrate the Microsoft Network, you get a bit concerned. Personally, I just start hating life when a damn Chinese delivery boy named Lee shows up and starts pointing out right-click menus like some mystic Zen dipwad.

But just when you’ve had enough, a new character skateboards into Bill’s office, placing the other stereotypes on edge! Who could this newcomer be?

Chipster answers that question. He takes off his glasses, stares straight ahead, and says…

“It’s Joystick Johnny.”

PFFFFFFT BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Oh my God, are you serious? Joystick Johnny? Are you KIDDING me? I love how everyone is so intimidated by him. Lee says Johnny’s the “most feared video game warrior in the territory”, but just look at that stupid expression on his face-how am I supposed to take that seriously?

And if that wasn’t surreal enough, Johnny says-

“Somebody better step up and volunteer, or we start fittin’ everyone here for ONE-MAN BUNGALOWS!”

What the HELL does that even MEAN? Who the HELL is this kid? And really, WHY is everyone so afraid of him? His name’s JOYSTICK JOHNNY! Do I even have to mention what that SOUNDS like?

So Johnny’s here to show off the wonderful gaming features of Windows 95. He demands that someone play him in “3D Pinball”, and when no one else will take the challenge, Aniston steps up to the plate.

“HUH! A GIRL? DURR HURR HURR HURR HURR!”
(Note: some of this dialog may have been revised for accuracy.)

Son, you have a rearview window hanging off your helmet. You don’t exactly scream “focused in class”.

So Aniston plays Joystick Jackoff in his stupid little game and manages to defeat him. With that, Johnny declares that Aniston is now on his “list”. I wouldn’t worry about it, Jennifer-his list starts with your name and ends with his favorite color of M&Ms.

God, I hurt all over. But there’s one more awful set of characters to go-Tim and his stoner rock band come in with a CD holding their latest music video. Bernice pops it into the computer, and as it plays, everyone begins dancing and rocking out for the rare chance to get personally shot by me.

Aniston and Perry hang back to sum up how great Windows 95 is, and Perry notes:

“And the best thing is that we’ve met some incredibly freakish and frightening people.”

Son, you are preaching to the choir.

Meanwhile, Aniston decides to push a large, red button mounted on Bill’s desk. Somehow, this manages to suck up all the awful dancing characters into Bill’s computer.

Bill Gates stars in Revenge of the Nerds.

Surprised at this sudden turn of events, Perry wonders what they should do.

Aniston: “Leave.”

There is a god.

Windows 95 sold a lot of copies, and hopefully it wasn’t because of this painful, comedy-deprived video. So far this is the only “cyber sitcom” ever made, but if Microsoft ever considers a sequel, I have a few ideas on how it can be improved. Most of them involve hiring writers that don’t groom others for ticks to eat.

Software piracy is a huge issue. Ever since the first computer application, unscrupulous individuals have copied programs and passed them around for free. It’s way less exciting than the “piracy” label would lead you to believe. There aren’t any ships or cannons involved, and the only way you can capture a wench is if you wag a copy of Windows 7 in front of her.

In any case, with a problem like this, groups dedicated to preventing software piracy tend to pop up. The most well-known group is the Software & Information Industry Assosciation (SIIA), who has an entire department dedicated to anti-piracy efforts. I bet you’d have to be really up-front and direct to confront software pirates. I couldn’t do that. I’d be the guy who sends you a fruit basket with a card that goes, “Can you please stop downloading Diablo II? I’d really appreciate it. Love you <3"

Now, if you don't follow the fascinating world of anti-piracy efforts, you're probably thinking, "Who the hell are the SIIA?" Fair enough-you don't really see them in the public eye. But to my knowledge, the SIIA did run a particular anti-piracy campaign back when they were the Software Publishers Assosciation, and it sucked so much that the SIIA were rightfully shamed back into the shadows. This campaign, apparently, was made up of a single video, and yet it was so idiotic that it failed to affect piracy at all, except maybe to pass this horrible video around.

But you probably know it as "Don't Copy That Floppy".

“Don’t Copy That Floppy” is a (mercifully) short video that opens up with two kids engaged in a heated computer duel. That must be one hell of a contest-they’re fake-pounding the keyboard way more than any other bad actor would. Personally, I like how the girl is so good that she doesn’t even have to touch the keyboard to win. Maybe that’s what happens when you master a game. You just think about playing and the game says, “Screw it, here’s the ending, we’re not going through that again.”

So after the girl (Jenny) wins, she realizes that she has to go to fourth period. The boy (Corey) says that he can copy the game on a spare floppy disk so they can play at home. They pop the disk into the computer, but instead of copying the game, the screen starts freaking out.

Apparently Windows 3.1 did this all the time.

But this is no normal computer crash! As the screen washes over in static, the image of a happenin’ rap artist fades into view-it’s MC Double Def DP, protector of disks and computer programs everywhere! At least that’s what he claims. I don’t know, but the idea of summoning a force through the Internet with a floppy disk is kinda like bringing Satan in your computer. It’s way too risky. I mean, what if you don’t have the latest version of Jesus? I guess you could try Vishnu, but you may not have enough memory for that.

So now that MC Double Def DP is loose in the mortal world to wreak havoc once again, what does he do? He starts rapping. Yeah. That’s basically the structure of the whole video. Double Def shows up and raps about why you shouldn’t copy software. That’s it. It’s just one guy dressed in awful 90s clothes singing the most disjointed, godawful rap song you’ll ever hear, dancing like a complete spaz and making Carlton from Fresh Prince of Bel Air look classically trained.

Seriously, who at SIIA thought that this would be effective? It’s not “cool” or “hip”. It’s several other words I’d like to print. This happens all the time when these groups try to appeal to a youthful audience. They never do their research and just end up looking completely idiotic. Look, if you used your local library more often, maybe you’d find books on how to be cool to children. You know, helpful titles like Hey, Quit Being Old and I Don’t Want To Hear About Vietnam.

Fortunately, there is some relief from the massive amounts of stupid. At one point MC begins name-dropping some games that were popular at the time, and I just imagine some kid sitting there and going “Forget this jerk, show some more Carmen Sandiego!” Even better is when the video cuts to interviews with actual game designers who worked on classic PC games like Neverwinter Nights. Even if you’re not interested in the game design process, that’s still two whole minutes without having to listen to MC Double Dipshit, so you should take what you can get.

Even our wizard’s most powerful seals cannot hold him for long!

Finally, MC Double Def DP finishes his painful anti-piracy message and fades back into the internet, leaving the kids with a copy prompt. A normal kid would wonder what the hell he just saw and promptly ignore what the magical internet man just said. But this is an educational video, after all-the DP’s message seems to have influenced our heroes for the better. Jenny resolves not to copy software and Corey figures that he’ll just buy a copy of the game with his leftover summer job money. I don’t know why he didn’t think of doing that in the first place, but hey, I guess you’re due to lose a few brain cells when you get paid to appear in “Don’t Copy That Floppy”.

The video ends with Corey challenging Jenny to another quick game before class, and the two resume beating the hell out of the keyboard, ensuring no one else will be able to copy the game…or even play it, for that matter. Never mind the fact that Jenny just said that she had to go to fourth period, and MC Double Def’s interruption ate up the first ten minutes of her class time. And what about Corey? He’ll be late to PE, and you know how Biff hates it when there aren’t any dweebs for his dodgeballs to serenade.

What’s even worse is that, at the end of the video, they show a paragraph of text that “gives you permission to copy this video for the non-profit purpose of promoting the ethical and legal use of software.” Really, non-profit? Who the hell would sell this back then? What would the sales pitch have been like? “Hey, I got this video of a lost segment from World’s Whitest Black Guys, it’ll cost ya 20.”

Now you’d think that would be the end of the tale. For nearly seventeen years, it was. In fact, the only reason people know about Don’t Copy That Floppy today was because it was passed around on the internet and ridiculed. That’s why we were floored when the SIIA recently came out with a trailer for a SEQUEL to Don’t Copy That Floppy, defying the popular rule known only as “Nobody Wanted Another BloodRayne Film”.

And if you were concerned that this trailer wouldn’t be as awful as Don’t Copy That Floppy, worry not! It’s still stupid, but a new, 21st century kind of stupid. You’ll know this right away because the trailer makes sweeping use of large titles CHOKED with lens flare.

What the hell is this, Heroes?

And it gets worse. The trailer flashes scenes of teenagers using torrents and downloading music off the Internet, and we all know how evil that is. The only logical course of action is to send a full-fledged SWAT team into a teenage pirate’s house.

“All right, team, if you see anyone burning a copy of Thriller, shoot them until they dance like in the video!”

And remember-if you ever land in jail as a result of piracy, you’d better know how to copy anime tattoos, otherwise a guy named Chico will END your ass!

Finish that anime girl quick, punk! It’s been a month since I stabbed anything with curves.

You know, I’m actually really disappointed so far. Sure, Don’t Copy That Floppy ate the big one, but at least it was lighthearted. The sequel just looks like it’s going for dark and pretentious scare tactics. I hate it when ad campaigns do that. It just means the people affected by them make decisions out of fear rather than logic.
“No, I refuse to ride a horse. They said God would punish me, like He punished Christopher Reeves.”
“Look, lady, if you don’t like riding on the beach nude and your name isn’t ‘Cameron Diaz’, I really don’t care.”

But that’s not what I’m looking for. That’s not what you’re looking for. There’s only one thing we want to know…did they bring back MC Double Def?

Good question! Here’s another one-will you crash if you try to drive a train with your buttcheeks?

Oh hell yeah. Double Def is biz-zack in the hiz-zouse, or some crap like that. He’s been reinvented for a new age, dressing up like the member of Run DMC that no one likes to talk about. But don’t be dissuaded by his new look-his rapping and lyrics are still just as awful. I mean, here’s the great chorus to his new song: “Don’t Copy That! What? Why? Don’t Copy That! What What Why?” Yeesh. It sounds like he’s trying to get Helen Keller to put down the CD before anyone gets hurt.

So…yeah. Even the trailer sucks hard. But this is Don’t Copy That Floppy we’re talking about here-there’s gotta be one last kick in the balls. This trailer is ridiculous enough, but I don’t think it’s completely insulted our intelligence yet. How can we make this concept even more asinine?

Simple. Use Klingons.

KLINGONS. Talking about how copying data is DISHONORABLE. Besides, you know, appearing in the sequel to Don’t Copy That Floppy. Do Klingons have a form of ritual suicide? This is pretty dishonorable, after all, so you’ll have to do it about five times. We’ll just keep stabbing your corpse until the pain goes away.

Overall the trailer is just so bizarre that many people think it’s fake. And why not? Don’t Copy That Floppy was barely even a blip on the radar when it debuted in 1992, and these days it’s just a punchline. Why would the SIIA even consider making a sequel? Maybe they figured the hate for MC Double Def is at an all-time low, so now’s the perfect opportunity to bring the asswipe back and give everyone a reason to hate him again.

The ultimate question is: are we ready for a second dose of Don’t Copy That Floppy? I don’t know. Let’s see what the Prime Directive has to say about that.

If you’d like to see the original Don’t Copy That Floppy video, go here.
If you’d like to see the trailer to the sequel, Don’t Copy That 2, go here.
If you’d like to buy a knife to stab your eyes with, Amazon has some cheap, rusty ones you can use.
If you’d like to listen to some nostalgic and actually talented rappers, check out The Adventures of Duane and Brando.

You thought I was done covering the Power Rangers public service announcements? Oh, no. We’re about to dive into the rabbit hole again and look at three more awful PSAs that deserve our scorn. I just hope you learn something from these. God knows I can’t teach you. TV raised me just fine, and now it can raise you. You can tell everyone at school that your grandfather’s name is Magnavox.

#1: DON’T TAKE NO SASS FROM NO PUNK ASS BEATNIK

This one is so strange that now I think it’s some sort of bizarre parody. Normally, when you think of bullying, you think of jocks making fun of people for looking and acting different. You know the victims-nerds, geeks, or people who just look funny. I’m glad that most people outgrow that phase. Otherwise, meeting someone’s grandparents could get awkward. “Ha ha! You got diabetes! I guess I’ll have to eat this chocolate cake all by myself. MMMM, IT’S SO GOOD.”

But, you know, it’s really something else when the usual target of peer abuse is the one doing the insulting.

(Yes, these images are from videos on Blast in the Past TV…which were then downloaded and posted on YouTube by other people.)

I apologize for the blurry picture-it’s the best I could find. Still, it proves my point. For this PSA, they didn’t use your normal bully stereotype to deliver the harshness. Nope. Instead, the “bully” is a waif-like boy wearing kalediscope patterns and thick glasses, topping off his incredibly stupid outfit with the largest beret I have ever seen. Actually, I think I’ve seen someone wearing a ridiculous outfit like this once. He was standing next to a diplomat and the assassin shot him first.

We see this boy saunter around the local juice bar and make fun of people. First he mocks a girl for using her napkin a certain way, and after that, he tells off a boy by saying his laugh sounds like a hyena. Hell, he even makes fun of the barkeeper’s shirt, saying that his dad used to wear a shirt like that “before he got a job”. That’s right. And if his dad takes off his shirt at work, girls stuff $20s down his belt.

Now, let’s be honest here. If a snot-nosed kid like this walked up and made fun of you, would you take him seriously? You’re probably like, “no, but my FIST will”. Exactly. You’d either beat the crap out of him or make fun of his obvious lack of fashion sense. Here’s a ProTip-if you’re gonna insult someone, then make sure you don’t look like a complete twit before doing so, okay?

After unloading this barrage of lame insults, the kid (named NORM, of all things) is confronted by Jason and Kimberly. They ask him why he’s giving everyone shit, which is a really good question considering how stupid he looks, and Norm replies that everyone else is “so uncool”. Look, you don’t have the right to insult someone just because they don’t follow the latest fashion trends. That’s like if I shoot you and make fun of how you bleed.

Kimberly asks Norm if he really wants everyone to look like him, and Norm figures that everyone should be so lucky. Okay, quit laughing for a minute, I need to ask you something. You might have already guessed that the whole point of the PSA is to teach you to respect others for their differences. A noble cause, to be sure. But riddle me this-now that you know what the PSA is about, what is the most logical way to show Norm the error of his ways in about…oh, thirty seconds?

Exactly! You scare the shit out of him.

A voice suddenly announces, “Welcome to Norm’s, where everyone is a Norm.” Norm turns around and finds that everyone in the bar is suddenly dressed like him, and the most galactic mind rape ensues when they begin laughing maniacally, backing Norm into a corner where Jason and Kimberly toss clothes into his face until he screams. However, before Norm can succumb to total madness, the nightmare ends, and he finds himself back in the normal realm. Those few seconds of utter, confusing hell are enough to change Norm’s outlook on life, and he figures, “I guess people kinda…need to be different, huh?”

Okay, what the hell did I just watch? It’s hard to communicate the full effect with just text, but seriously. Mind rape is NOT a good way to teach someone a life lesson. I know you only had thirty seconds to tie up the moral, but was there no other way to get the message across? This isn’t going to teach Norm to respect others, it’s just going to make him afraid of clothing. Now he’ll start running around nude, and strippers will think he’s an excited intern.

#2: TELEVISION BULLIES ALWAYS SUCK AT BEING BULLIES

It’s another day at the local juice bar. (Is it just me, or do all of these PSAs take place here?) A boy named Kevin prowls through the crowd with his friend. Kevin pushes a boy aside, and some unseen narrator confirms what we already figured out-Kevin is a bully, and he’s always looking for trouble. But Kevin is a special kind of bully. He doesn’t just shove extras around, oh, no. He’s such a douchebag that he actually distracts a random stranger long enough so he can swipe her hot dog.

What kind of bully goes around and steals food from complete strangers? And doesn’t that hot dog have her germs all over it or something? What’s he going to do with it? Has he even thought this far ahead? Then again, it’s not like I’m willing to credit a bully for having actual intelligence. I just always assumed they were like ameobas-they divide and beat up weaker cells, then someone injects them with red dye so eighth-graders can point them out under a microscope.

Well, it turns out Kevin didn’t need to think out his plan, because the hot dog immediately vanishes and the stranger never notices that her lunch has disappeared. Why did you even have Kevin steal the hot dog if nothing happens as a result? I don’t know. In any case, Kevin nods to his companion for a successful act of douchery. As they celebrate, Kevin accidentally bumps into another boy named Danny, spilling the milk he was drinking all over his face.

Danny looks pretty mad as he mops up the mess. Figuring that the big, tough Danny is about to throttle him, Kevin raises his girly fists into a pitiful fighting stance. But the narrator kicks in again, explaining that Danny doesn’t have anything to prove, and he knows that fighting doesn’t solve anything. Danny just apologizes and walks away, leaving Kevin to sit down and heave a sigh of relief. Oh, you sure proved your manliness, Kev. Hell, I’m manlier than you right now, and I lose fights against punching bags.

Over in a corner, Rocky and Adam (replacing the original Red Ranger and Black Ranger, respectively) points out that most things aren’t worth fighting over, especially spilled milk. And they’re right, of course. It’s just milk or it’s just Christianity, so what’s the point?

Besides, we all know that Danny would’ve whooped that white boy’s ass in twenty seconds flat.

#3: YOU TOOK OUR BALL SO PREPARE TO GET IRRITATED YOU CUR

This is a personal favorite of mine, and once again, it takes place in the juice bar. (Apparently it’s located inside the high school the Power Rangers attend. This is how you know the show is fictional-no high school I’ve ever been to has enough money for a seperate juice bar.) Two boys and a girl toss a ball around when one of the boys hits it into the hallway. As the girl goes to fetch it, she spots another boy named Barry walk out of the same hallway, holding “their” ball! The girl tries to get it back, but Barry claims that it’s his ball and walks off.

At this point you’d think that these kids would do something reasonable like complain to an adult, or maybe start calling Barry childish insults like “fag”. But these are PSA children-there’s only one thing they can do!

That’s right. These kids decide that the best course of action is to put on Power Rangers masks and start punching the air around the ball-stealer. This would be a good plan, except for the fact that you need to connect with your fist if you want to hit someone. It’s like they’re in a make-believe kickboxing class. “If you don’t give us our ball, we’ll burn all these calories, I swear to God!”

The Blue Ranger and Pink Ranger soon beam in to stop this nonsense. One of the boys claims that they were just doing what the Power Rangers would do, but the Blue Ranger cuts that noise by explaining that this is real life, not monsters being fought on TV. He’s right, of course-on TV they actually try to hit each other.

The girl still protests that Barry took their ball, but the Pink Ranger walks in with another ball just like the one Barry has. Ah ha, so both kids have the exact same kind of ball! See, this is why schools should mark their balls to prevent this kind of mixup from happening. My school kept track of kickballs by tying them to cinder blocks. Every time you shot a basket, you’d knock out your pointman. You were winning if you could remember how old you were.

As Barry walks off, the girl stops him and apologizes for ganging up on him. Oh, yeah, because I’m sure punching the air really ruined his day. Barry just says that it’s cool, and all the kids run off to play together. Ah, well. At least everything worked out well. You know, it’s times like this that I wish a Power Ranger came along and solved all of my childhood problems. It’d be fine just as long as he didn’t try to solve my adolescent problems, too.
“Have you considered using your words to settle your bully problems?”
“We have been using words. It’s just that his words injure my self-worth.”