Giant Robot Invasion! – Home of Comedy Writer Matt Willard

How hard is it to lose track of a woman dressed in a bright red trenchcoat and fedora? You would think that the agents of ACME would be able to keep an eye on her. Nope! Somehow Carmen Sandiego always manages to elude them. It’s embarrassing. Here we are, tossing government money down the drain trying to capture this woman, and she keeps making fools out of us. GRRRRR! It just makes me so mad, you know?

Sigh. I’m sorry. I need to calm down. Looks like I’ll have to make out with one of my girlfriends.

In any case (har har!) ACME is always looking for that special agent who can bring Carmen in. I mean, why else do we have the Carmen Sandiego computer games? Obviously ACME uses them to test potential candidates-only agents with the finest geography skills can hope to match wits with the master thief. It’s kinda like The Last Starfighter, except you’d probably suck at it if you never paid attention in class. If only they made a game about doodling robots in your notebook.

In 1991, ACME expanded their talent search by creating Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego, a game show for children that ran on PBS until 1996. Contestants played the part of novice gumshoes brought in to handle ACME’s latest case. Directed by their host, the gumshoes would work together to snag the crook, and hopefully Carmen Sandiego as well.

Did this work? About as often as you like getting shot in the face.

After the contestants were introduced, the Chief briefed them on a famous landmark or artifact that one of Carmen’s minions stole. These guys ran the gamut. Sometimes the crook was Double Trouble, a pair of twins that sound like Jack Nicholson if he was tossed into a cheese grater. Sometimes it was a cyborg named Robocrook. Sometimes it was even Patty Larceny, a ditzy blonde that I strangely cannot imagine having sex with. It’s okay, though-she’s not even a real woman. Her eyes aren’t nearly big enough.

The gumshoes spent the bulk of each episode tracking the crook across the world. Each gumshoe started with fifty Crimebucks, and by correctly answering questions, they earned more. This is probably the worst way to make a paycheck. Imagine for a moment if you were paid based on how much geography you remembered from school. Doesn’t sound that good, does it? Well, don’t worry. I’m pretty sure you can feed a family of four on a dollar twenty nine. You’ll just have to make a few sacrifices. Like expiration dates.

Before each question, the gumshoes received a clue to the correct answer. Of course, since this was a children’s show, this meant the clues had to be presented through a bunch of silly sketches. Maybe Greg would have a dream hinting at the correct answer, or maybe he would banter with a neighbor in drag. Hell, sometimes he just asked God what to do next. (I know the feeling.)

But God would never just tell the gumshoes where the crook was headed. Oh, no. We had to figure it out for ourselves. Look, God, I know You gave us these highly advanced brains and all, but that doesn’t mean we actually want to USE them. Why do You think we keep inventing machines to do stuff for us? Besides, it’s not like it’s a bad thing. You can be happy that we’re using the intelligence You bestowed upon us, and we can be happy that we made a toilet that flushes itself.

Even after the clue, the answer was still multiple choice. Seriously, guys. You’re an organization devoted to capturing criminals. The results of your surveillance should not be, “This is kinda where we think the bad guy is”. You would think that this racket would have government funding to enhance these operations. Does that mean that ACME is an independent agency, the sole defenders against the threat of Carmen Sandiego and her worldly knowledge? Look at it this way-when your agency is funded by Toyota, you’ve got a problem.

And yet, ACME always had enough cash to award prizes. I mean, check out the prize pack they gave to the gumshoe who got eliminated first. “Good job making it this far, sleuth! You win, uh…a shirt! Yeah! And this nifty watch! And how about a subscription to National Geographic World that you’ll probably never read? GONZO! What an amazing going-away present from your employers at ACME!” Yeah, yeah, it’s gonzo, all right. It’s okay. I know where I’m not wanted. Just don’t come crying to me when Carmen bops over to South America and you struggling to figure out the capital of Brazil.

(By the way, anyone know what the capital of Brazil is? I wrote it down in my notebook, but now I can’t read it because I doodled robots all over it.)

After another gumshoe was sent packing, the last contestant chased down Carmen Sandiego. This meant running all over a giant map while placing markers on cities as Greg called them out. If the gumshoe correctly marked a certain number of cities, then he would win. Of course, since the grand prize was a trip to anywhere in North America, the run had to be nearly perfect. After all, ACME was far too busy ordering subscriptions to National Geographic World to pay for a lot of silly trips or anything!

Really, ACME squandered so much of their money on stupid prizes that when it came time to put together the music, all they could afford was four guys making noises with their mouths. I never got how body noises in harmony could be considered music. With that logic, we’re basically making music whenever we talk. (Thankfully, this has allowed me to create such rock and roll classics as “Who’s Gonna Take Out The F***ing Trash?!” and “I’m Not Picking THAT Up!”)

But the show was still fun to watch despite all the bad choices ACME made on it. It wrapped a fun concept around a subject that not many kids found enjoyable, creating something entertaining and memorable. Unfortunately, after five seasons it was replaced by Where in Time is Carmen Sandiego, successfully pushing aside everything that made the original show so popular. But hey-if television producers didn’t try to mess up a good thing…well, it just wouldn’t be television, would it?

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to mess with the time stream and prevent some traumatic childhood events from ever occurring. Push ME in a puddle, will you? Let’s see you try to do that in the middle of a VOLCANO! MUWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Trying to force yourself to learn something is only going to end in failure. If you don’t need to learn it, and if you don’t want to learn it, why should you even try? That’s the problem with public education-it tries way too hard to brute-force information into kids, with minimal results. How do they compensate? Bribery, of course. Too bad it’s ineffective. I mean, I spend my valuable time cramming facts in my brain that I’m never going to use, and for what? Letter grades? Forget that noise! If you’re gonna try and bribe me to learn, you seriously need to up your game. How about rewarding me with a date based on how well I do in school? I think it’d go well with the current grading system-the higher my grade, the more teeth she’ll have.

See, as humans, all we wanna do is have some fun. (And I’ve got a feeling we’re not the only ones.) Previously we had to work for our entertainment, but after the advent of television, we finally had a means to occupy ourselves that didn’t involve anything silly like using our legs. This turned out to be a pretty sweet deal for kids-now they could watch a variety of entertaining programs, escaping the drudgery of school for thirty minutes at a time.

So, naturally, educators decided to bungle it up. “Hey, if TV holds their attention better than a pruning schoolteacher could, then by Jove, we’ll use it to make ‘em learn their fractions for a change!” And so, a rash of educational programming invaded airwaves, trying to combine entertainment with learning. This unholy mix between fun and school devastated children of the 1940s, twisting their world upside down and causing them to whine in depression. It was a dark and confusing time-you never knew how many slaps it took to knock someone out of their funk.

Now, don’t get me wrong. After you get used to the initial horror, there are a lot of educational programs out there that are fun to watch. I know-I watched a load of them growing up. But do they really work? Can I really watch an episode of one of these shows and come out smarter, wiser, and more durable to the taunts of children?

Well, let’s find out. Using myself as a subject, I’m going to watch an episode of Bill Nye the Science Guy, a show dedicated to introducing children to science. After the episode, I will take a prepared exam designed to test me on the information I should have learned while watching. The results will determine whether or not educational programs succeed at teaching children new things. If so, then I propose that we switch our current school curriculum to one entirely based around watching television all day. Don’t worry-younger children will still have recess. They’ll just be watching other children play instead.

VIDEO WATCHING PHASE

1. Bill Nye, the host of the show, demonstrates momentum by riding on a skateboard-the faster you go, the more momentum you have. He also shows off another important formula-the older you are, the less business you have being on a skateboard.

2. The theme song uses a montage of scientific images and modified voices to tell me that, yes, I am watching Bll Nye the Science Guy. I must make sure to remember this for later.

3. An announcer tells me that Bill Nye the Science Guy was brought to me by seatbelts, which are now powerful enough to sponsor television shows. Soon they will overthrow their human masters and establish a new society for all seatbeltkind. That’s why it’s important to begin reducing your dependence on seatbelts. Sure, you may fly through a windshield every now and then, but don’t worry-since I’m in the back seat, I’ll be just fine.

4. Bill enters his lab and begins explaining momentum. He ends up at a device called the Momentum Bowling Ball of Science, which uses bowling balls to explain how momentum transfers between objects. By setting off the device, enough momentum is transfered to swing a bowling ball into Bill’s gut.

CONCLUSION: Momentum will punish my enemies.

5. A kid demonstrates a “Nifty Home Experiment” involving a ruler and two coins, but someone soon gets fed up and changes the channel, probably to something more porn-ish.

6. In a later segment, Bill demonstrates how momentum can launch rockets. Hmmm. I guess momentum must’ve been late for work when the Challenger blew up.

7. Then they show the Challenger blowing up.

8. Then mournful music plays while someone throws pies in Bill’s face.

9. Okay, I’m starting to get a little sick of hearing about momentum and how it applies to everything. Look, Bill. Momentum doesn’t affect bowling pins at all. You’re just mad that I’m a bowling god who makes pins bend to my will. They’re all like, “oooh, he’s SO good at bowling!” and I’m all “naturally!” and they’re all “we want to fall down all over your huge junk!” and then I’m like “plenty of room, pinnies! Plenty of room.”

10. An Asian guy uses the power of momentum to deliver a flying double kick to some balding guy who ruined his perfect pool game.

CONCLUSION: Momentum will DESTROY MY ENEMIES.

11. Once again, Bill demonstrates momentum through croquet, but then someone hits a ball in his face. I gotta admit, it was a nice shot. In fact, I’d really like to start throwing things at Bill too. Stay right there for a moment, I’m gonna go see if there’s any tactical nukes lying around.

12. Now that we’re nearing the end of the episode, the show’s decided to cap off with a full-blown music video. Of course, rather than use an actual song, they parody an existing one and turn the lyrics into something whoring momentum again. Yes, I get it. Momentum is great. Momentum drives our world. Momentum started the Revolution, tore down the Berlin Wall, and fought off alien invaders. I GET THE PICUTRE. QUIT TELLING ME.

You know what? I’m done. I’m sick of hearing about momentum. Just turn off the episode now. Let’s get on with this stupid test already.

TESTING PHASE

WRITTEN ANSWER SECTION

1. What is momentum?
ANSWER: Um…uh…

2. Are you sure you don’t know? You just spent thirty minutes watching a show about it.
ANSWER: Well…

3. They hammered it into your head during that entire episode and you’re telling me you don’t rememeber any of it?
ANSWER: My brain tends to push out information I don’t really need. Like compassion.

4. Well, that’s just great. We spent all this money on special effects and stock footage and funny little experiments for you to try at home, but now it’s all gone to waste. Perfect.
ANSWER: Sorry.

5. Please tell me SOMETHING you remember from this episode.
ANSWER: Um…momentum will destroy my enemies?

MULTIPLE CHOICE SECTION

1. Do you feel you deserve the “F” I’m about to give you?
( ) Yes
( ) Yes
( ) Yes
( ) Yes

2. You didn’t answer the previous question.
( ) I’m sorry. Please shoot me.

CONCLUSION

Well, as you’ve probably guessed, I didn’t learn a damn thing from Bill Nye the Science Guy. However, despite some of the weirder segments, it’s still pretty entertaining for a children’s show, especially where science is involved. Children who are hungry for the subject will definitely get more out of it than I ever could, but for the rest of us, it’s still a good watch.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have this sudden urge to rewatch Enter the Dragon. Remember, kids-the faster Bruce Lee kicks, the more momentum will knock your punk ass down.

The Power Rangers phenomenon deserves its own coverage, but I wanted to start off by talking about a part of Power Rangers lore that not many people seem to remember. As we all know, public service announcements are required by law to be totally lame, and the Power Rangers PSAs are no exception. They never aired them frequently as PSAs from other shows, but don’t worry-you’ll still want to go play in a hurricane.

The PSAs always focused on the nice things kids should do instead of beating me up all the time. Typical stuff-don’t be a douche, stay in school, and for the love of God, don’t try this at home. It’s a bit discouraging, because for a lot of kids, being a Power Ranger is their only viable work option. School never really holds their attention-the only kind of work they can fall back on involves doing what they love. Personally, I’m a firm believer of doing what you love for a paycheck, so I’m optimistic that there’s a market for children flailing against invisible monsters. I mean, little kids are cute. Maybe they could entertain people at McDonalds or something.

KID: I’m a Power Ranger! Hyaa! HI-YA! YAAAAA!
MAN: Aw, that’s so cute…hey, they forgot my bucket of cheese!

Each PSA is equally horrible and cheesy in its own way, but I’m only going to focus on a few in particular that strike my fancy. You ready to dive in? Then here we go!

Billy (secretly the Blue Ranger) is demonstrating an experimental device that will transform a rubber chicken into a “power eagle”. That’s good, because I feel that the bald eagle has desperately needed an upgrade for a while now. Nothing says “God Bless America” like an eagle with bitchin’ hot rod flames.

Q: What’s wrong with this eagle?
A: EVERYTHING!

Photo by Savannah Grandfather.

Another kid named Timmy scurries into the room, afraid that he’ll miss the astonishing miracle that God has seen fit to call POWER EAGLE. As he readjusts his backpack, he accidentally knocks out a wire plugged into the back of the device. Timmy plugs the wire back into another slot, but you can already see the immense guilt washing over his face. Actually, my dog sure seems to make that face a lot. You didn’t bring me a “present”, did you, Timmy?

Billy activates the machine and is somehow teleported into a dark void. He tries to call Zordon, leader of the Power Rangers, but to no avail. Yet somehow, Zordon still realizes that Billy is in trouble, and sends the Pink Ranger in to fix the machine.

Oh, boy, the heat is on now for our wire-tampering friend here! As the Pink Ranger messes with the machine, the full weight of Timmy’s unforgivable actions crash down on his shoulders, and he grows more and more concerned. It’s like that time when I bashed my sister’s friend across the leg with a heavy piece of hardware. But, for me, it wasn’t so much as “concern” as it was “Oh my God, Dad’s gonna KILL ME!”

(P.S.: I am still alive.)

Finally, the Pink Ranger plugs the wires back in their correct slots, and Billy returns to our plane of existence. At this point the guilt is simply too much for Timmy to bear! He steps foward before his respiratory system can collapse.

“I-I-I want you to know,” he says. “I’m the one who crossed the wires. I’m really sorry.”

“Hey, we all make mistakes,” Billy replies. “It takes real courage to be honest. I really admire your strength, Timmy.”

They shake hands. Timmy is so touched that he softly guffaws. Meanwhile, the other kids in the room celebrate by standing in the background and pretending that they still care.

(Hint: They don’t.)

Trini (the Yellow Ranger) flows through a kata with another boy. This soft movement is contrasted by shots of Jason (the Red Ranger) pummelling a punching bag with various moves. These striking differences establish the dominant mood of the pice-grace and power.

But, a deep guitar riff signals the arrival of Curtis. He is angry with Jason. This means that he is angry with himself. And why not? Jason has huge muscles. This troubles Curtis. He wants huge muscles, too. But how does he get them? Weight lifting? Reading about muscles? Curtis hates reading. Books are gay.

For Curtis, there is only one solution. Curtis must steal Jason’s muscles.

Curtis shouts a challenge-”JASON!” This echoes his need for confrontation and directness. Curtis doesn’t play around. He lets you know immediately that he wants your muscles. He asks the only way he knows how-he swings at Jason, asking with punches and kicks. It is all Curtis knows how to do. But Jason keeps countering his attacks-he knows better.

The kid training with Trini wonders why Jason doesn’t take Curtis down. Trini answers with classic martial arts advice: a master of martial arts meets an opponent with discipline and self control. The kid just claims that Curtis doesn’t want self control, but Trini replies that any conflict must be met with the least amount of force. That is the great irony laid out before you. People almost never sign up for martial arts in order to deal with their problems nonviolently. Yes, some of us try to follow these rules, but only to make a mistake, accidentally delivering a roundhouse kick that knocks our partner into the wall. We can’t help it. We never chose to be gods.

And that is the main conflict presented here. Curtis is not a god. He’s not even a man. He is a kid, trying to steal Jason’s muscles. He perceives Jason as a god, and wants a piece of that godhood for himself. Jason could destroy Curtis very easily, but he chooses not to abuse his godly powers. Instead, he wants to help Curtis get past his fears and problems, understand him…care for him. He helps Curtis up and they walk away together, towards a new beginning. Trini closes the piece by telling her friend that he has just witnessed the highest form of martial arts: the ability to make a friend of an enemy. Indeed, this is true not only in martial arts, but in real life.

Overall, this PSA details the struggles of one kid trying to overcome his need for muscles. He fights against the heavens, falls, but rises up again, realizing that muscles don’t make the man-money does. He goes on to buy an expensive car, and the kid prospers, because with money, he reaches a level of divinity all his own.

Well, that’s one kind of muscle…

Photo by Doctor Keats.

This PSA is unique because, rather than taking place within the context of the show, it occurs in a strange alternate dimension. In this realm, the world around you changes itself like clay, forming words and shapes based on what you’re thinking about at the moment, proudly displayed for everyone to see. (This is probably why they’ll never let me go back.)

Billy appears and says that for the next 60 seconds the Power Rangers, in assosciation with Fox Broadcasting, will be conducting a test of the Emergency Reality Check System. (Trademark.) Then Kimberly (the Pink Ranger) suddenly pops her head out from the corner and starts asking whether we know our reality from our fantasy. Don’t worry-I know the differences between these two very well. Reality is the thing I’m supposed to dread, right?

Billy and Kimberly start reading off a list of “fantasties” from the show, each one followed with its own “reality”. For example, Kimberly talks about the “fantasy” that the Power Rangers never get hurt during the on-screen violence. Then, Billy mentions the “reality”: hitting people, amazingly, does hurt them. Fantasy: the Power Rangers get involved in battles against horrible monsters. Reality: all of the fights are actually choreographed, making it seem more like a dance than an actual battle.

At this point, children hate you. Most kids probably figured out that this was fake to begin with, but they didn’t want to acknowledge it openly. For them, a back-of-the-mind kind of understanding was good enough, which kept them grounded in reality while being able to fully enjoy the show. Any sort of direct confirmation would just ruin it for them.

Speaking of ruining things, here comes the final blow. After Kimberly extolls the wonders of space-age weaponry, Billy tells us that real guns can hurt people, and that no one deserves to be shot by one. How does he support his point? Simple. He displays a tray of firearms.

Not THOSE.

Photo by Yuichirock.

Billy and Kimberly conclude by returning to the clay dimension. Kimberly tells us that, had this been an actual emergency, we would have been told to “get real”.

Oh, we got real, all right. In fact, I don’t think you could have dragged us back to reality faster than if you strapped us to a fighter jet. I mean, I realize that such a PSA was important to prevent lawsuits protect children, but at what cost? Reminding kids that people in spandex fighting rubber monsters isn’t real at all? Humph! Considering the alternatives, I think I’d prefer to dream.

Strangely, they never addressed my fantasy of having romantic encounters with Kimberly or Trini. I think it would go something like this.

FANTASY: Kimberly and Trini think you’re totally hot, and also secretly share your passion for Transformers.

REALITY: The actress who played Trini died in a car accident.

…you know what? I’m not even gonna touch that.

Reading is an important life skill. It’s just as neccessary as knowing how to plug someone in the head with a carbine. But, once you know how to read, you’ll be able to discover even more ways of killing people. It’s like opening up a new world that’s made of knives.

The Public Broadcasting Service understands the importance of reading. Along with Reading Rainbow, PBS introduced a variety of shows dedicated to increasing awareness of books, because, hey, if TV told kids to go read, maybe they actually would. I always wondered why they spent so much effort on reading. I mean, you never saw PBS focusing so much on all the other things kids needed to learn. What if I needed a show on getting beaten up by older children? Who knows-maybe I’ve been doing it wrong for years.

One of these shows about reading was called Wishbone, starring the Jack Russell terrier in question. Well, technically, it starred four different dogs. In every episode, you could expect Wishbone to be swimming, or doing a strange flip, or even sitting down, and each exciting stunt would require a different dog to perform it. Now that I think about it, it would’ve been a great way to justify a line of action figures.

BOY: Mommy, Mommy! I want a Wishbone toy!
MOM: Okay, just a little one. Let’s see…Frisbee Catching Wishbone, Super Swimming Wishbone…
BOY: I want THAT one!
MOM: …Carpet Ruining Wishbone?
BOY: His vomit’s made of oatmeal!

Wishbone lives in in a town called Oakdale with his owner Joe. Joe’s a middle-school student who gets into family-friendly adventures with his friends Samantha and David. Besides that, he also has a wacky neighbor called Wanda. Now, I gotta commend Wanda’s actress here. As a former wacky neighbor myself, I really appreciate the depths Wanda’s actress went to portray the archetype. I only hope that she escaped the role before she was permanently labelled as a wacky person and never taken seriously again. This is a major detriment when you wake up one morning and discover that you are on fire.

Soon, a problem occurs. Maybe Joe doesn’t know what to do in a situation, or he’s getting bugged by some guy called Damont with one of those close-cut haircuts that identifies him as a jackass from two hundred yards away. The problem reminds Wishbone of a classic work of literature, and from there, they switch back and forth between the main storyline and an abridged retelling of the work in question. It’s actually done pretty well. It may be weird to see Don Quixote interacting with Wishbone as he plays Sancho Panza, but the retellings usually strive to hit the major points and never dance around any unpleasant moments that may occur.

Of course, the problem is that watching these retellings is like picking up the SparkNotes for the book. Now there’s no point in reading it. Sure, some kids may be inspired to pick up a featured novel, and I can’t fault Wishbone for trying to accomplish that, but really, if you wanted kids to read these classic works, then retelling them on television defeats the point, doesn’t it? Most people’ll just watch the Wishbone version and forget about it until it re-emerges in high school as required reading for an essay. Those things require citations from the text, you know. You can’t just watch Mickey’s Christmas Carol and then cite “that one part where that Goofy dude started rattlin’ his chains at Scrooge McDuck”. It doesn’t work like that.

The only way to get kids to read the books themselves is to make them exciting again. By weaving new elements into the original prose, you can satisfy fans of the original while appealing to the new generation. For example, here’s an excerpt from Pride and Prejudice that’s been revised to cultivate interest in the children of today.

Elizabeth was engaged one day as she walked, in perusing Jane’s last letter, and dwelling on some passages which proved that Jane had not written in spirits, when, instead of being again surprised by Mr. Darcy, she saw on looking up that Colonel Fitzwilliam was meeting her. Putting away the letter immediately and forcing a smile, she said:

“I did not know before that you ever walked this way.”

“I have been making the tour of the park,” he replied, “as I generally do every year, and intend to close it with a call at the Parsonage. Are you going much farther?”

“No, I should have turned in a moment.”

And accordingly she did turn, and they walked towards the Parsonage together, until suddenly before them appeared a man cloaked entirely in black, his body obscured except his cold, black eyes, to which Elizabeth took an immediate notice.

“Who stands before me?” Colonel Fitzwilliam asked, to which the man in black replied:

“I have travelled here from a faraway land, seeking worthy fighters to test my skill against,” and the man in black pulled a blade from the scabbard strapped to his back, revealing a curved weapon of polished steel, which glistened in the light of the sun.

Colonel Fitzwilliam seemed in a calm humor, and he stepped toward the man, drawing his own saber, which Elizabeth now noticed had previously hung at his side. “Stand back, Elizabeth. This is a battle that I, as a former ninja, must fight alone.”

She understood the danger involved, and retreated back a small distance in order for Colonel Fitzwilliam to have space required to engage in combat, and as she did a thrill rushed within her, as she came to realize how totally cool this would be.

Now, doesn’t THAT sound exciting? Revised classics will keep your children reading to see what intrigue will unfold next. No need to push your high schooler to pick up a copy of A Tale of Two Cities-once he finds out Sydney Carton gets eaten by a T-Rex, he’ll never want to put it down!

But, until these revisions are available, Wishbone is a good alternative. And, hey-there’s nothing stopping you from using your imagination to make it even more exciting. Personally, there’s no better way to enjoy a Wishbone episode than by squinting your eyes and pretending that he’s a really tiny brontosaurus. With a jetpack.