Giant Robot Invasion!

If you all didn’t catch it when I first posted the link like an obsessed social media hound, another new article is up on DirJournal.com. In this one, I talk about the Internet and why people are jerks on it. Really, if everyone adopted my poise and grace, the Internet would be a much nicer place to be. (Even better, Timecube would only be an item you find in a video game.)

Go ahead and read it here! And while I’m at it, go ahead and check out my guest post at AllFreelanceWriting.com, Becoming A Freelance Writer In 5 Easy Steps. (NOTE: Steps may not actually be easy or useful.)

Dr. Kurtz saw very few child patients, but each one always provided a unique challenge to overcome. Billy Blaze would be no different.

Dr. Kurtz began the workday by grappling into the Blaze household through a kitchen window left ajar. As he neared the window in his descent he turned his body narrow, sliding through the gap and landing with both feet flat on the tiled floor. The recoil swung Dr. Kurtz’s upper body foward, but fortunately, a strategically placed cushion caught his face before he could fall down.

“Thank you for preparing everything for me in advance, Mrs. Blaze,” Dr. Kurtz said, removing himself from her cleavage. “Now, where is Billy?”

“He’s upstairs,” Mrs. Blaze said, and shouted for him.

Soon Billy Blaze, a young boy with a tussle of blond hair, bounded into the kitchen. His brow sank as he caught sight of Dr. Kurtz. “Oh, Mom, not ANOTHER psychatrist! I told you, there’s nothing wrong with me!”

Just as expected. It was attempting to dismiss Dr. Kurtz in an attempt at self-perservation. A lesser doctor may have fallen for it, but Dr. Kurtz was far too masculine to let it affect him. “Hello, Billy,” he said, producing a brightly wrapped lollipop from his pocket. “I’ve got something for you.”

All resentment vanished as Billy snatched the treat and unwrapped it. “Thanks!” He took a strong lick and toppled like an unbalanced statue.

“That was the strongest cherry-flavored paralysis agent I could find,” Dr. Kurtz said. “It won’t last very long, so help me get him up to his room. We need to tie him down and prevent him from escaping.”

Commander Keen: Attack of the Overindulgent Explanations

They carried Billy upstairs and laid him on his bed. Cutting off a length of rope from the spool inside his bag, Dr. Kurtz began tying down Billy’s legs. “Now,” Kurtz said, “tell me what’s been going on.”

“Billy’s never caused trouble before,” Mrs. Blaze said. “He does well in school and he’s always well-behaved, except when he’s trying to bite his brother.”

“Mmmhmm.”

“But lately he’s started talking about some ‘invasion of the Vorticons’. He says that the Vorticons are evil aliens who stole parts of his spaceship while he was exploring Mars.” Mrs. Blaze wrung her hands. “Now he keeps telling me they’re going to invade Earth. It’s very distressing. I tried yelling at him, but it didn’t work at all!”

“That confirms it. I know exactly what your son’s problem is.” Dr. Kurtz pulled the last knot in place. “Billy is being possessed by a gremlin. Gremlins hide inside the stomachs of their victims and force them to behave against their will. I daresay that this outlandish story about an ‘invasion of the Vorticons’ is an attempt by Billy to break free from the gremlin’s control so that he can go back to causing trouble like most young boys should do.”

“Oh my,” Mrs. Blaze said. “What can we do?”

“There’s only one procedure that can remove gremlins,” Dr. Kurtz said. “Fortunately, it’s easily administered.”

Commander Keen: Return to the Admittedly Boring Surface of Mars

He removed a baseball bat from his bag and cracked it across Billy’s stomach.

“OWWW!” Billy screamed.

“It’s a little known fact that stomach gremlins are vulnerable to baseball bats,” Dr. Kurtz said. “All of the stomach acid they ingest softens their bones to a point where a few good smacks will turn them into mush.”

CRACK! “OWWW!”

“That looks very effective,” Mrs. Blaze said.

Dr. Kurtz handed her the bat. “Now, all you need to do is keep bashing that gremlin once every five minutes for an hour. Keep doing this until midnight, but be sure to take a ten minute break between each hour to give your arms a chance to rest.”

CRACK! “WHYYYYYY?!”

“Thank you, Dr. Kurtz!” Mrs. Blaze said. “You’re a lifesaver!”

Dr. Kurtz tipped his hat. “Just doing my job, ma’am. If you have any questions, be sure to give me a call.”

The gremlin menace had been defeated…for now. But for how long? With these and other questions filed in the big folder called “Worry”, Dr. Kurtz fired his grapple through the bedroom window, and shot outside before the shards of glass could settle.

Commander Keen: Painful Ice Levels From Dimension X!

THE FINAL VERDICT:

Billy Blaze was cured of his gremlin infestation and is now being treated for unrelated mental illnesses.

RATING:

Next time, Dr. Kurtz delves into the tragic past of an alien patient with suction cups for hands. Can Dr. Kurtz restore the alien’s faith in humanity, or will this turn out to be…

COSMO’S COSMIC CATASTROPHE?!

Tune in next time to find out!

(Commander Keen copyrighted to id Software.)

Gonna do something different this week. Today I point you to the latest article I wrote for DirJournal, called Frank Miller Presents Clifford the Big Red Dog. It takes the comic book trend of making everything really dark and grim and runs it through our favorite children’s books. Though some books don’t make quite as big of a leap as others. Run “The Cat In The Hat” through this filter, and you’ll find he’s basically the same, except his fascination with chopping up children and feeding them to Thing 1 and Thing 2.

Hello…cat.

Go ahead and read it here! And if you missed it the first time, be sure to check out The Best 90s Cartoons for Girls and Boys, also on the same site. It’s highly polarized!

Some time ago I found something interesting on YouTube-a promotional video advertising the features of a little operating system called Windows 95. Now, I grew up with ’95 running on old 386 and 486 computers, so you can imagine the warm memories I have about it. Plus, it introduced a bunch of great features that carry over to the versions of Windows we see today. That’s why Windows beat out all the other operating systems for dominance. To be fair, though, Mac OS never saw that steel chair coming.

So, naturally, I watched the video, and, um…well. This is a blog post about that video, so you KNOW I don’t have anything good to say. This video is holding the bad report card, and I’m the one who has to sit there and wonder why the video won’t apply itself in math. Also to make sure the video stays out of the cookie jar. I SAID NO COOKIES BEFORE DINNER, VIDEO!

To be fair, only one section of the video was uploaded. There’s actually three of them-the last two cover a list of features and frequently asked questions about the system. But to get there, you’d either have to fast-foward through the tape or sit through the first section…AKA, the “cyber sitcom”.

I’m surprised no kid has ever seen these windows on their computer and tried to play baseball near it.

The “cyber sitcom” doesn’t seem that bad at first glance. After all, it stars Jennifer Aniston and Matthew Perry from the hit series Friends! Surely with a cast like that, the cyber sitcom can’t possibly…yeah, I’m gonna cut this sentence off right here because I know this is gonna suck to high hell. It kinda reminds me of all those crappy sitcoms FOX makes, and how fast they cancel them. You know, shows like Arrested Development.

Anyway, the “sitcom” starts off with Perry and Aniston waltzing into Microsoft. They want to speak to Bill Gates about starring in his crappy Windows 95 video guide, but Bill’s assistant/harpy Bernice says that Bill’s out at the moment. Instead, Bernice takes Perry and Aniston to Bill’s office to show them the features of Windows 95 herself.

That’s when you realize something. I mean, these top-billed stars are from Friends, right? Wouldn’t the “cyber sitcom” be even better if it had a little bit of that popular show’s magic? That’s what the writers believed, so they went out of their way to add those little Friends-esque one-liners and details that everyone loves.

The only problem? THIS FAILS HORRIBLY.

I’m pretty sure there’s a joke that begins with these three people walking into a bar.

For one thing, Perry and Aniston are CONSTANTLY making unfunny quips throughout the entire “sitcom”. It doesn’t matter what they’re doing. When they’re walking to Bill’s office, they make bad jokes. When they’re using Windows, they make bad jokes. No matter what’s going on, they’ll find any excuse to drop another stupid remark.

Perry: “Sorry that you’ve got cancer, Jennifer.”
Aniston: “Don’t worry, you’re a Leo. We’ll get along fine.”
Cymbal: “HA HA HA HA HA! Oh, man, I’ve always wanted to give Jennifer Aniston a rim shot!”

You’d think that at least one of these lines would make me laugh. But they don’t! I didn’t even smile while I was watching this. And you know what makes it worse? EVERY TIME Perry or Aniston makes a bad joke, they actually play that little music beat you hear on Seinfield. I’m not exaggerating. These jokes suck so much that they had to steal a bit from ANOTHER sitcom just to keep them afloat. Look, if you’re gonna do that, why can’t you make Aniston walk upstairs with a basketball and never come back down?

Okay, I guess I can’t really judge the quality of the jokes because I haven’t watched Friends, but I just can’t shake how bad the writing feels. I hope Friends was written better than this, because if this “cyber sitcom” represents that show’s legacy, the forecast is not looking good. Then again, if I really wanted the Friends experience, I’d just get my own group of friends together and trade witty remarks. Unfortunately, the best lines we come up with will go, “When’s the game on?” and “What does this word mean?”

Now, if the whole “sitcom” was just Perry and Aniston shooting the breeze, I wouldn’t hate it so much. But that’s not the whole story, is it? About halfway through, the “sitcom” suddenly changes direction, and they start bringing in these stereotypical characters to show off certain features of Windows 95. Why? Hell if I know. It’s like the writers watched a group of performers and decided to turn the “sitcom” into an ensemble show. Unfortunately, they forgot that the group performed in a big tent and one of the acts was a guy eating fire.

Hey, it’s one of the Brothers Karamazov! You know…Gary.

Oh, sure, it’s not so bad when Boris the window cleaner thunders in to talk about Plug and Play in his thick accent. But when a nerdy mail guy named Chipster slinks in to demonstrate the Microsoft Network, you get a bit concerned. Personally, I just start hating life when a damn Chinese delivery boy named Lee shows up and starts pointing out right-click menus like some mystic Zen dipwad.

But just when you’ve had enough, a new character skateboards into Bill’s office, placing the other stereotypes on edge! Who could this newcomer be?

Chipster answers that question. He takes off his glasses, stares straight ahead, and says…

“It’s Joystick Johnny.”

PFFFFFFT BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Oh my God, are you serious? Joystick Johnny? Are you KIDDING me? I love how everyone is so intimidated by him. Lee says Johnny’s the “most feared video game warrior in the territory”, but just look at that stupid expression on his face-how am I supposed to take that seriously?

And if that wasn’t surreal enough, Johnny says-

“Somebody better step up and volunteer, or we start fittin’ everyone here for ONE-MAN BUNGALOWS!”

What the HELL does that even MEAN? Who the HELL is this kid? And really, WHY is everyone so afraid of him? His name’s JOYSTICK JOHNNY! Do I even have to mention what that SOUNDS like?

So Johnny’s here to show off the wonderful gaming features of Windows 95. He demands that someone play him in “3D Pinball”, and when no one else will take the challenge, Aniston steps up to the plate.

“HUH! A GIRL? DURR HURR HURR HURR HURR!”
(Note: some of this dialog may have been revised for accuracy.)

Son, you have a rearview window hanging off your helmet. You don’t exactly scream “focused in class”.

So Aniston plays Joystick Jackoff in his stupid little game and manages to defeat him. With that, Johnny declares that Aniston is now on his “list”. I wouldn’t worry about it, Jennifer-his list starts with your name and ends with his favorite color of M&Ms.

God, I hurt all over. But there’s one more awful set of characters to go-Tim and his stoner rock band come in with a CD holding their latest music video. Bernice pops it into the computer, and as it plays, everyone begins dancing and rocking out for the rare chance to get personally shot by me.

Aniston and Perry hang back to sum up how great Windows 95 is, and Perry notes:

“And the best thing is that we’ve met some incredibly freakish and frightening people.”

Son, you are preaching to the choir.

Meanwhile, Aniston decides to push a large, red button mounted on Bill’s desk. Somehow, this manages to suck up all the awful dancing characters into Bill’s computer.

Bill Gates stars in Revenge of the Nerds.

Surprised at this sudden turn of events, Perry wonders what they should do.

Aniston: “Leave.”

There is a god.

Windows 95 sold a lot of copies, and hopefully it wasn’t because of this painful, comedy-deprived video. So far this is the only “cyber sitcom” ever made, but if Microsoft ever considers a sequel, I have a few ideas on how it can be improved. Most of them involve hiring writers that don’t groom others for ticks to eat.

Software piracy is a huge issue. Ever since the first computer application, unscrupulous individuals have copied programs and passed them around for free. It’s way less exciting than the “piracy” label would lead you to believe. There aren’t any ships or cannons involved, and the only way you can capture a wench is if you wag a copy of Windows 7 in front of her.

In any case, with a problem like this, groups dedicated to preventing software piracy tend to pop up. The most well-known group is the Software & Information Industry Assosciation (SIIA), who has an entire department dedicated to anti-piracy efforts. I bet you’d have to be really up-front and direct to confront software pirates. I couldn’t do that. I’d be the guy who sends you a fruit basket with a card that goes, “Can you please stop downloading Diablo II? I’d really appreciate it. Love you <3"

Now, if you don't follow the fascinating world of anti-piracy efforts, you're probably thinking, "Who the hell are the SIIA?" Fair enough-you don't really see them in the public eye. But to my knowledge, the SIIA did run a particular anti-piracy campaign back when they were the Software Publishers Assosciation, and it sucked so much that the SIIA were rightfully shamed back into the shadows. This campaign, apparently, was made up of a single video, and yet it was so idiotic that it failed to affect piracy at all, except maybe to pass this horrible video around.

But you probably know it as "Don't Copy That Floppy".

“Don’t Copy That Floppy” is a (mercifully) short video that opens up with two kids engaged in a heated computer duel. That must be one hell of a contest-they’re fake-pounding the keyboard way more than any other bad actor would. Personally, I like how the girl is so good that she doesn’t even have to touch the keyboard to win. Maybe that’s what happens when you master a game. You just think about playing and the game says, “Screw it, here’s the ending, we’re not going through that again.”

So after the girl (Jenny) wins, she realizes that she has to go to fourth period. The boy (Corey) says that he can copy the game on a spare floppy disk so they can play at home. They pop the disk into the computer, but instead of copying the game, the screen starts freaking out.

Apparently Windows 3.1 did this all the time.

But this is no normal computer crash! As the screen washes over in static, the image of a happenin’ rap artist fades into view-it’s MC Double Def DP, protector of disks and computer programs everywhere! At least that’s what he claims. I don’t know, but the idea of summoning a force through the Internet with a floppy disk is kinda like bringing Satan in your computer. It’s way too risky. I mean, what if you don’t have the latest version of Jesus? I guess you could try Vishnu, but you may not have enough memory for that.

So now that MC Double Def DP is loose in the mortal world to wreak havoc once again, what does he do? He starts rapping. Yeah. That’s basically the structure of the whole video. Double Def shows up and raps about why you shouldn’t copy software. That’s it. It’s just one guy dressed in awful 90s clothes singing the most disjointed, godawful rap song you’ll ever hear, dancing like a complete spaz and making Carlton from Fresh Prince of Bel Air look classically trained.

Seriously, who at SIIA thought that this would be effective? It’s not “cool” or “hip”. It’s several other words I’d like to print. This happens all the time when these groups try to appeal to a youthful audience. They never do their research and just end up looking completely idiotic. Look, if you used your local library more often, maybe you’d find books on how to be cool to children. You know, helpful titles like Hey, Quit Being Old and I Don’t Want To Hear About Vietnam.

Fortunately, there is some relief from the massive amounts of stupid. At one point MC begins name-dropping some games that were popular at the time, and I just imagine some kid sitting there and going “Forget this jerk, show some more Carmen Sandiego!” Even better is when the video cuts to interviews with actual game designers who worked on classic PC games like Neverwinter Nights. Even if you’re not interested in the game design process, that’s still two whole minutes without having to listen to MC Double Dipshit, so you should take what you can get.

Even our wizard’s most powerful seals cannot hold him for long!

Finally, MC Double Def DP finishes his painful anti-piracy message and fades back into the internet, leaving the kids with a copy prompt. A normal kid would wonder what the hell he just saw and promptly ignore what the magical internet man just said. But this is an educational video, after all-the DP’s message seems to have influenced our heroes for the better. Jenny resolves not to copy software and Corey figures that he’ll just buy a copy of the game with his leftover summer job money. I don’t know why he didn’t think of doing that in the first place, but hey, I guess you’re due to lose a few brain cells when you get paid to appear in “Don’t Copy That Floppy”.

The video ends with Corey challenging Jenny to another quick game before class, and the two resume beating the hell out of the keyboard, ensuring no one else will be able to copy the game…or even play it, for that matter. Never mind the fact that Jenny just said that she had to go to fourth period, and MC Double Def’s interruption ate up the first ten minutes of her class time. And what about Corey? He’ll be late to PE, and you know how Biff hates it when there aren’t any dweebs for his dodgeballs to serenade.

What’s even worse is that, at the end of the video, they show a paragraph of text that “gives you permission to copy this video for the non-profit purpose of promoting the ethical and legal use of software.” Really, non-profit? Who the hell would sell this back then? What would the sales pitch have been like? “Hey, I got this video of a lost segment from World’s Whitest Black Guys, it’ll cost ya 20.”

Now you’d think that would be the end of the tale. For nearly seventeen years, it was. In fact, the only reason people know about Don’t Copy That Floppy today was because it was passed around on the internet and ridiculed. That’s why we were floored when the SIIA recently came out with a trailer for a SEQUEL to Don’t Copy That Floppy, defying the popular rule known only as “Nobody Wanted Another BloodRayne Film”.

And if you were concerned that this trailer wouldn’t be as awful as Don’t Copy That Floppy, worry not! It’s still stupid, but a new, 21st century kind of stupid. You’ll know this right away because the trailer makes sweeping use of large titles CHOKED with lens flare.

What the hell is this, Heroes?

And it gets worse. The trailer flashes scenes of teenagers using torrents and downloading music off the Internet, and we all know how evil that is. The only logical course of action is to send a full-fledged SWAT team into a teenage pirate’s house.

“All right, team, if you see anyone burning a copy of Thriller, shoot them until they dance like in the video!”

And remember-if you ever land in jail as a result of piracy, you’d better know how to copy anime tattoos, otherwise a guy named Chico will END your ass!

Finish that anime girl quick, punk! It’s been a month since I stabbed anything with curves.

You know, I’m actually really disappointed so far. Sure, Don’t Copy That Floppy ate the big one, but at least it was lighthearted. The sequel just looks like it’s going for dark and pretentious scare tactics. I hate it when ad campaigns do that. It just means the people affected by them make decisions out of fear rather than logic.
“No, I refuse to ride a horse. They said God would punish me, like He punished Christopher Reeves.”
“Look, lady, if you don’t like riding on the beach nude and your name isn’t ‘Cameron Diaz’, I really don’t care.”

But that’s not what I’m looking for. That’s not what you’re looking for. There’s only one thing we want to know…did they bring back MC Double Def?

Good question! Here’s another one-will you crash if you try to drive a train with your buttcheeks?

Oh hell yeah. Double Def is biz-zack in the hiz-zouse, or some crap like that. He’s been reinvented for a new age, dressing up like the member of Run DMC that no one likes to talk about. But don’t be dissuaded by his new look-his rapping and lyrics are still just as awful. I mean, here’s the great chorus to his new song: “Don’t Copy That! What? Why? Don’t Copy That! What What Why?” Yeesh. It sounds like he’s trying to get Helen Keller to put down the CD before anyone gets hurt.

So…yeah. Even the trailer sucks hard. But this is Don’t Copy That Floppy we’re talking about here-there’s gotta be one last kick in the balls. This trailer is ridiculous enough, but I don’t think it’s completely insulted our intelligence yet. How can we make this concept even more asinine?

Simple. Use Klingons.

KLINGONS. Talking about how copying data is DISHONORABLE. Besides, you know, appearing in the sequel to Don’t Copy That Floppy. Do Klingons have a form of ritual suicide? This is pretty dishonorable, after all, so you’ll have to do it about five times. We’ll just keep stabbing your corpse until the pain goes away.

Overall the trailer is just so bizarre that many people think it’s fake. And why not? Don’t Copy That Floppy was barely even a blip on the radar when it debuted in 1992, and these days it’s just a punchline. Why would the SIIA even consider making a sequel? Maybe they figured the hate for MC Double Def is at an all-time low, so now’s the perfect opportunity to bring the asswipe back and give everyone a reason to hate him again.

The ultimate question is: are we ready for a second dose of Don’t Copy That Floppy? I don’t know. Let’s see what the Prime Directive has to say about that.

If you’d like to see the original Don’t Copy That Floppy video, go here.
If you’d like to see the trailer to the sequel, Don’t Copy That 2, go here.
If you’d like to buy a knife to stab your eyes with, Amazon has some cheap, rusty ones you can use.
If you’d like to listen to some nostalgic and actually talented rappers, check out The Adventures of Duane and Brando.