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In this episode, I take on the killer android WD-40 using my clever strategy of pussing out.
I first experienced Mortal Kombat around eight or nine years old. One day Mom came home from the grocery store with a brand-new rental for our Sega Genesis: Mortal Kombat II. Cue a traumatized little boy discovering just how many ways your bones and blood can leave your body and go on vacation. Fortunately, Mom caught her mistake and quickly exchanged the rental for something more friendly. That turned out to be Puggsy, a game about a fat, orange alien throwing fish at enemies. Well, you know what they say. “Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Throw a fish at someone’s face, and if you’re in the right country, he’ll choose pistols at dawn.”
But now that I’m older, I can look past the excessive carnage and realize the truth behind Mortal Kombat: it’s a pretty stupid franchise. That’s fine and dandy in the video games, since they’ve always been about the violence. But what happens when you’re forced to tone it down for a movie or a television adaptation? At that point you have to rely on the actual plot and, well, saying that Mortal Kombat’s plotline can be insulting is like surviving the Titanic disaster only to get reimbursed with a seven-night stay on the S.S. Vulnerable.
Speaking of a Mortal Kombat movie, the first live-action film definitely had the problems I mentioned. Weak plot, excessive filler, bad characterization. Typical video-game movie fare. Still, the film entertained me, and that’s why I can’t entirely hate it. It’s not a great film, but if you were to catch it on TV and you like popcorn flicks, you could do a lot worse.
Of course, after watching today’s abomination, I can’t imagine how anyone would take a risk on the theatrical showing. It’s a 54 minute video designed to hype you up for the film by using an amazing blend of animation, computer graphics, and motion capture to suck you into the realm of Mortal Kombat. It’s also a college course called “Mortal Kombat 101″, a never-ending infodump about Mortal Kombat’s history that will bore the crap out of hair. It’s also a prime example of how to release a cartoon animated by howler monkeys, all of whom are revealed at the end of the episode to be blind and deceased. It’s awful, atrocious stuff that challenges the value of life. Probably why you can now find it in a set of teaching materials called “Hooked On Nihilism”.
And since humans are incapable of pronouncing its true name, we just call it Mortal Kombat: The Journey Begins.
This thing is so awful that only a bribe can convince me to watch it. After the first title card, a narrator promises that “hidden clues to Mortal Kombat 3 await you”. Okay, makes sense. Mortal Kombat 3 was released in the same year, so it’s only natural that this video would catch a ride on that game’s popularity. Too bad it’s not worth watching this video all the way through. Don’t worry – you’ll find out what I mean soon enough. See that dot in the distance? That’s one of its eyes.
The scene changes to the silhouette of some dragon creature flying over clouds as a voice explains Mortal Kombat. Basically, it’s a martial arts tournament held between the realm of Earth and another dimension called Outworld. If Outworld wins ten tournaments in a row, then their armies can invade Earthrealm. They’ve won nine so far – this tournament is Earth’s last chance to fend off the Outworld menace. It’s gonna be hard, though. Outworld’s warriors are pretty tough. Nothing shakes them. Hell, they thought Scream was a romance.
The camera pans to a boat occupied by three of Earthrealm’s chosen fighters – a monk named Liu Kang, a Hollywood action star named Johnny Cage, and a Special Forces agent named Sonya Blade. They stand around, and, uh…
Oh boy. That fills you with hope, doesn’t it? Not only does this single screen look like crap, but it throws open your mind, allowing you to instantly realize that the entire video will look just as horrible, with zero chance of redemption. Everything in the realm of this video has become clear, leaving no surprise. In short, this screen is Instant Microwave Enlightenment.
Anyway, Sonya’s trying to get her radio to work. She wants to call her superiors, since she got on the boat to look for a criminal. (While this does play a role in the overall Mortal Kombat universe, it’s never touched on again in this video, so excuse me for not caring.) She storms up to the captain’s room for answers, but the door is blocked by a blue ninja named Sub Zero who freezes up her arm. While mildly amusing, it’s ultimately pointless as the captain comes out anyway. He explains that his name is Shang Tsung and that he’s the tournament master. Apparently he’s also kidnapped the sun, since his room is ridiculously bright for no reason.
Shang Tsung then uses psychic powers to pick up Liu Kang and Johnny for absolutely no reason. The heroes are surprisingly mellow about this, and after Shang Tsung goes back into his room with Sub Zero, they get distracted and wander off like pigeons. Then Shang Tsung comes right back out of his room for…some reason and tells Sub Zero to rough up the Earth fighters so Outworld can win the tournament more easily. Well, if you’re gonna stoop to that level, why even bother with the tournament at all? Just go up and say, “Okay, here’s the roster. Johnny Cage, you’ll be fighting this .45 automatic. Sonya Blade, you’ll square off against the inside of an iron maiden. And Liu Kang, your opponent is the undefeated champion, this F-14 Tomcat.”
So as Sub Zero walks over to attack the Earth fighters, Shang Tsung begins talking to another ninja called Scorpion, who is hiding above Shang Tsung behind some crates. Where’d he come from? Who the hell knows. Shang Tsung tells Scoprion to help Sub Zero deal with the Earth fighters, because if they kill Sub Zero, then Scorpion can’t get his revenge on him. Again, that’s an important tidbit, and for some reason that’s the plot point they bother to explain later on. You’re being really picky about what parts of the storyline to explore here, you know. You have to develop all your scenes – you can’t just develop the ones you like. You don’t see someone writing to a famous director and going, “Hey, you remember that car chase in your last film? I love that scene. Could you release a director’s cut where you repeat that twenty more times and then roll the credits?”
Now I’m desperate for some action, which the fight scene between the ninjas and the Earth fighters naturally fails to deliver. It doesn’t even deserve a GED, it’s that bad. Disjointed movement, lots of unneccessary slowdown, random yelling, inconsistent animation…it’s just completely atrocious. Let me demonstrate this with a simple screenshot.
This screenshot was not taken in mid-transistion between frames. This is literally how it was presented in the video. How did this even make it to the final cut? There’s no way anyone could have considered this scene to be good or finished. I guess no one raised an issue about it due to company rules. Especially the one that keeps the suggestion box hanging around the company tiger’s neck.
Eventually Scorpion launches a bladed rope from his wrist and wraps it around Sonya. However, as he pulls her in, a bolt of lightning destroys the rope, and a new figure teleports down onto the ship. Liu Kang recognizes him as the thunder god Raiden. Sonya claims that this doesn’t make any sense, and Johnny replies, “Who cares if it makes any sense?” Raiden says that Johnny should care, and hits him with a field of energy that makes him jiggle like Jello. Then he shouts “SILENCE!” for absolutely no reason.
Okay, who scripted this? That exchange didn’t follow any logical path at all. Be honest with me, video. Are you giving your script what it needs to grow into a coherent plot? Or were you lying when you told me it was a Flinstones Kid?
Shang Tsung comes out of his AMAZINGLY BRIGHT ROOM and Raiden accuses him of ambushing the Earthrealm fighters, which is against the rules of the tournament. Shang Tsung pretty much goes “nope” and walks back into his room. Well, THAT was a satisfying and worthwhile conclusion to the fight. Good thing they cut out that death-defying backgammon scene – that would’ve been too much.
Of course, now that Raiden is here, the video instantly takes a nosedive into the deepest levels of crap. Sure, it sucked to begin with, but at least you could gain a sense of security by figuring, “hey, it could be worse”. Well, Raiden “It Gets Worse” Thunder God is here to challenge that security. His role is to answer any questions the Earthrealm fighters have about the tournament, and since they just fought a guy who can shoot ice out of his hands, it’d make sense that they want to learn they can.
Unfortunately, that’s practically ALL THEY DO for the rest of the video. Backstory exposition isn’t bad, per se, but using too much too often WILL bore people. Mortal Kombat: The Journey Begins does this in spades, a royal flush, and a full house by having Raiden constantly lecture about the tournament’s history. At least you can poke fun at the bad animation and unexplainable fight presentation, but when Raiden starts running his mouth, it’s just DULL. Maybe I would care more about Mortal Kombat’s backstory if Raiden made it more interesting. I need a lecturer that challenges me, you know? That’s why I like to attend seminars given by mimes.
So Johnny asks who Shang Tsung is, and Raiden explains Shang Tsung’s backstory using an awesome CG fight scene as a backdrop. And since there’s no way I’m typing out all of these lectures for you, just remember that Shang Tsung is a sorcerer who takes souls. Even worse – he’s a tightwad who rewraps the souls he doesn’t use and gives them out as Christmas gifts.
When the next day breaks, the boat finally nears the island where the tournament is being held. As it docks, Raiden tells the Earthrealm fighters to watch their backs because Shang Tsung will be watching them. He also reminds them that they must win Mortal Kombat, and so they should be ready for anything. Because Shang Tsung is watching them. Since they have to win Mortal Kombat. So they have to get ready for anything while Shang Tsung is watching them prepare to win Mortal Kombat after getting ready for a long session of being watched by Shang Tsung.
You got that? I hope so, because Raiden WILL NOT STOP REPEATING HIMSELF. It’s like he’s got a stutter that’s new on the job and doesn’t know when to stop.
The Earthrealm fighters go to a large area where a bunch of other badly designed fighters are gathered. They all look pretty stupid, but my personal favorite is this guy:
The sheer inconsistency is awesome. It’s like a movie shot than pans up from someone’s feet to their face. You’re thinking “buff dude, buff dude…guy who works at my comic book store?” I can only wonder why they went with such an unexpected design choice. At least warn us ahead of time before you do something like that. Maybe have a little voice pop up and say, “The head of Ragnar the barbarian will now be played by Robbie, local Pokemon collector.”
Anyway, the nearby double doors open up and Shang Tsung walks out, giving his best Enter The Dragon tournament intro speech before pissing off. Just then the Earth fighters notice Sub Zero walking somewhere while he’s being shadowed by Scorpion – an ineffective idea when you realize that it’s broad daylight and Scorpion is glowing with a “Look At Me, I’m Right Behind You Dumbass” kind of aura. Raiden explains that Sub Zero and Scorpion are rivals, and before you know it, the scene changes to another awful CG fight. I will mention that the motion capture does help make the CG look smoother, but it’s still subpar work combined with weak fight choreography. This isn’t blowing my mind. In fact, this is probably the worst blowing my mind has ever recieved. You’re definitely not getting a tip for this one.
Raiden and the Earthrealm fighters walk around the island. (IE, slide around 3D backgrounds while their walking animation plays.) While Raiden explains even more stuff, Johnny spots a four-armed warrior in the distance, who he also noticed lurking in the shadows during Shang Tsung’s speech. This warrior is called Goro, and after Raiden finishes another lecture about him, be sure to read over Goro’s section for tonight’s homework. At least we learn something relevant – Goro is Tonka tough, and he’s the reason Outworld won the last nine tournaments. (He’s also the reason why Outworld had to replace the last nine septic tanks.)
Soon night falls at the island. Raiden gives his final words of encouragement to the Earthrealm fighters and teleports away. Of course, it’s at that moment that Goro sends out a horde of monstorous dudes to kill the fighters, a rules infraction that Raiden doesn’t bother to stop until ten minutes later. If Raiden’s a god, why didn’t he know that was going to happen again and try to prevent it? Even if he didn’t, why didn’t he stick around to protect the fighters until the tournament began? I tell you, this guy’s horrible at keeping people safe. Eventually the court’s gonna make Raiden take some remedial protection class, with classmates like a shield made out of tinfoil and a tampon with a hole in it.
This fight scene is surprisingly worse than the first one. Almost like it’s sucking in stereo. For some reason, the fight is basically the same five or six scenes repeated over and over in random order. Thrill as Sonya keeps blocking the same three attackers! Be amazed as Johnny shuffles backwards for, like, FOUR seperate times! And even better – “Crappy Fighting Turbo Edition” has even more of the slowdown and blurring that you love! Can you tell what’s happening? If you can, then you haven’t consumed all of your “Jack Daniels’ Vision Enhancement Liquid” for maximum viewing experience.
So after Raiden FNALLY breaks up this stupid brawl, Shang Tsung walks in. Raiden shouts at him again, but incredibly enough, stern words do not discourage the soul-stealing wizard. Shang Tsung just raises his arms and proclaims, “Let Mortal Kombat BEGIN!” and as Sub Zero comes out and orders the monsters to attack again, Raiden simply remarks, “It has begun.”
And…that’s it. The Mortal Kombat logo slides over the screen and Raiden commands you to prepare for Mortal Kombat…the MOVIE! Is it over? NO. They pad it out some more with a bunch of profiles for the characters you just saw, including short biographies and a list of their moves. You might be excited about the movelists. “Hey, are THOSE the clues to Mortal Kombat 3?” Of course not. They don’t tell you HOW to do the moves, they’re just there to show you that Liu Kang can seriously do a bicycle kick. Honest to God.
So where ARE these “hidden clues to Mortal Kombat 3“, pray tell? Look for them in the credits, traveller! It’s in the form of a code, which you enter in the game by selecting a certain order of symbols. Fortunately, the symbols to this hidden code aren’t difficult to find – as the credits scroll, each symbol is revealed in FULL-SCREEN with a peal of thunder and lightning. THEN, in case you were too dense to catch this, they show the code again after the credits are finished. Oh, gee, do you think I’ve got the picture now? I could’ve sworn famous celebrities were urging people on Twitter to donate to the “Buy Me A Clue Stick Fund”.
Man, out of all the things screwed up in this video, you had to mess up HIDING? You only learn how to do that when you’re FIVE. What happened, did your complete and total lack of a budget not support that? It’s like if you opened up a Where’s Waldo book and saw him standing in the middle of a blank page above the words, “Damn, that was quick.”
But at least we have all the symbols for the code. Which, by the way, CANNOT BE USED SINCE THE “11″ SYMBOL DOESN’T EXIST IN ANY PORT OF THE GAME.
GREAAAAAAAAT. You made me sit through this pile in hopes for a neat Mortal Kombat 3 code, and it’s not even CORRECT? Didn’t you hire an editor to check this over? And if so, doesn’t your editor normally work in the lounge, keeping drinks inside it so they stay cold?
In conclusion, the horrible animation, ugly CG, and boring storyline combine into one mighty monster of “meh”. Say what you will about the first Mortal Kombat film – at least it was kind of fun at some points. This was no fun. This was, in fact, negative fun. This video owes me a surplus of fun which I will constantly badger it about through a series of phone calls and emails until the debt is paid. I don’t just give fun to every slacker on the street, you know. This was an investment of fun, and I want it back.
Still, I must make a judgment, and considering the strengths and faults of both contestants…I’m gonna have to give the nod to sodomy. Sorry, video. At least sodomy has a clear ending point. It’s called “death”. Give it a try when you’ve got the time.
(Mortal Kombat: The Journey Begins is copyrighted to Midway and Warner Bros.)
Let Roger show you the life and times of a garbage scow captain. Now with 100% Not As Boring As You’d Think!
As you may already know, I’m a huge fan of GamePro. But did you know there was a short-lived TV show based on the magazine? It makes sense. After all, video games really hit their stride during the 90s with the success of the Nintendo Entertainment System, and later the Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis. It was only a matter of time until producers realized the kind of television bounty they sat on. This discovery spurned the creation of another TV series, The People Who Get To Be On “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous”.
You probably already know about the video game cartoons like the Super Mario Bros. Super Show and Captain N: The Game Master. However, there were also several live-action shows. Most were game shows (like the legendary Where In The World is Carmen Sandiego?) but GamePro TV stayed true to its original format, with all the features found in the original magazine. There was even an episode based on their spinoff magazine called “AdPro”, where they reviewed the commercials that had just aired.
Now, I’ll confess – I didn’t see this show growing up. I only discovered it through a bunch of episodes on YouTube. (I’ll link you at the end of the post.) Still, since GamePro TV embodies the cheesiness of the 90s, I figured I’d cover it. That love for nostalgia is why I’d be a horrible teacher. “Do your homework, and you’ll get an A. Bring me a Beast Wars toy, and you can move on to the third grade.”
By the way, I wasn’t kidding when I said GamePro TV was full of 90s cheese. Watch any of the episodes and you’ll feel like you were dragged back in time to put the 80s out of their misery. The sets are colorfully loud, borrowing design cues from Saved By The Bell, and the soundtrack consists of hardcore rock and techno “music”. But the final cement that holds GamePro TV firmly in 90s culture are the hosts themselves, J.D. Roth and Brennan Howard.
You know, I’m always amazed by how fashion quickly looks outdated and strange to modern eyes. Sure, this effect is far stronger when looking at clothing from the 50s, but even now, I’m sitting here in 20th century clothing wondering where the 90s went wrong. Just soak in those hip outfits. It’s remarkable how this was once considered to be cool, wasn’t it? What’s messed up is that in a hundred years, what I’m wearing now will be considered uncool. What a strange future that will be. No one will try anything that isn’t made from Taylor Swift’s old skin.
At least J.D. Roth could get away with dressing like that. Though his acting wasn’t particularly strong in this show, he’s still interesting to watch. And hey, he’s the guy behind other children’s game shows like Fun House and Masters of the Maze. Guess what? He also did the voice for Jonny Quest on The Real Adventures of Jonny Quest, another beloved 90s cartoon. With an impressive resume like that, it’s hard to find fault with the guy. I’d just wish he would get rid of his sink. After all, when I turn the Bible sideways and squint real hard, it clearly says that owning a sink makes you gay.
No, the real problem rests with Brennan. I theorize that, after being caught in a random dimensional influx, he was infused with the spiritual essence of Bill and Ted. It’s the only reason why he wears silly clothing, sports an electrified hairdo, and speaks in a “RADICAL” surfer dialect. This annoys me. Thanks to Brennan’s interference, GamePro TV will always be grounded in the 90s. And if GamePro keeps this up, it can just forget about going to the prom, too.
Actually, what’s strange about Brennan is that he eventually disappears from the show. Suddenly, J.D. Roth is flying solo, and it’s never explained why. What happened to the B-Man? I can only assume there was tension between Brennan and Roth. After all, the show is called “GamePRO”. That’s singular. J.D. Roth must have challenged Brennan to one final showdown for supremacy. Too bad no one remembers it. Probably because they fought on the exact same day as the Rapture, before it was cancelled due to lack of interest.
What’s interesting is that a few of the episodes hint at the conflict leading up to this final conflict. Just look at Brennan’s face when Roth yanks away a gaming device from him and shouts “Psyche!”
Damn, he looks INSULTED, doesn’t he? And he falls for the “psyche” TWICE. What kind of an asshole does Roth have to be to pull that on Brennan? Especially if Brennan can’t see it coming both times. It’s not fair if you pick on someone stupider than you, man. At least even up the odds first. How long do you think it’d take for you to get Alzheimer’s?
Who knows. Maybe Brennan was jealous of Roth’s magical powers. See, in the recurring segment called “SWAT” (Secret Weapons and Tactics) Roth kept jumping into video game worlds to introduce codes and strategies. I’ve only seen Brennan do it once – most of the time, Roth alone has that power. Could it be that Brennan left the show to gain his own video game powers so he could fight Roth? It would be a pretty radical battle, that’s for sure. Except for the one in my misprinted Bible. You know, the one where Micheal fistfights Judas?
Speaking of SWAT, video game strategies were the main focus of the show. In “Viewer SWAT”, you could send in a video of yourself giving tips for a game, and you could also send in a video asking a video game question for “Ask The Pros”. Of course, since GamePro TV didn’t last long, it’s hard to tell if these videos are fake or not. Many of them sound like they’re reading off scripts. I personally like the one guy in a football jersey who asks for help on John Madden Football – the dear air between his words are so huge that people could live in them on Mars.
There’s also quite a few kids in these videos. It makes more sense than a grown man playing Madden, but they sound fake too. I don’t care how talented your five year old is – we can probably tell when he’s acting. Hell, one kid said he was playing StarTropics, a game for the Nintendo Entertainment System that can get VERY tough. Do they expect us to believe second graders have the patience to stick with a game like that? Hell, I didn’t have the patience to wait for Santa. One year I even stayed up so I could give him a performance review. “Santa, I’m afraid you’ll have to speed up your output if you want to keep working for the Willard household.”
But the main appeal of GamePro TV, to me, are the previews and reviews. You didn’t see them often (usually only one game was reviewed per episode) but they still felt like reviews ripped straight from the magazine. The previews were also interesting to watch, and like I mentioned in my discussion of the GamePro magazine, it’s neat to look back now and see how a hyped game or console really fared. I gotta smirk at Brennan’s enthusiastic coverage of the Sega CD, because we all know what kind of knife in the heart that was to Sega.
GamePro TV only lasted for a year before it got shelved. It’s easy to see why. Despite how much I enjoy it, it’s still cheesy, low-budget fare. Then again, video game shows don’t normally hang around for long, do they? Hell, GamePro TV’s been reincarnated in a few different formats, and it always manages to get shut down fairly quickly. It’s a trend that needs to stop. If we can have a few consistent shows and specials about movies, why can’t we have more programming dedicated to video games? It wouldn’t be hard. Spike II used to do it all the time…you know, back when I used to call the channel G4.
Click here to watch some of the GamePro TV episodes online, uploaded by Nick Fricke of Siliconera.
After Sonic the Hedgehog came out, many other video game companies tried to cash in with their own animals of attitude. Bubsy the Bobcat is probably the king of that crop. Not because he was good, mind you – he failed just as much as the others. It’s just that his fall from grace was far more satisfying. Kinda like that plane crash where all the passengers were villians from Christmas specials.
But Accolade (the guys behind Bubsy) really wanted their mascot to succeed. To that end, they decided that a full-fledged animated series was just the thing Bubsy needed to capture the limelight. If it worked for Mario and Sonic, why not him?
Of course, Accolade failed to account for two major factors:
1. Mario and Sonic landed cartoons because their games were popular, fun, and competent.
2. Except for the Saturday morning Sonic cartoon, the Mario and Sonic shows BLOW CHUNKS.
Bubsy was no different. Only one episode of his crappy cartoon was made, shown on Thanksgiving Day and promptly forgotten. The only way you can see it now is on video sharing sites. But here’s the Challenge of the Superfriends: can you actually sit through it without feeling disgusted afterwards? Don’t worry, everyone! I’ve already watched it for you. And now I know what I’m getting you for Christmas. Here’s a hint: after it knocks down your house, they’ll have room to build a highway.
Fortunately, Bubsy is one of those cartoons that you will instantly hate after watching the intro. Really, how are you going to take him seriously after he tries to brush his teeth with a handheld grinder? It gets worse at warp speed – after Bubsy eats breakfast, he goes down a slide and does…well, this.
That’d better not be a rain dance. Last time Bubsy did that, it started raining men. And since my god makes people by throwing them away, I got a religious holiday.
So the episode is actually called “What Could Possibly Go Wrong?”. It’s also Bubsy’s catchphrase. Would you be surprised if I told you that Bubsy quickly destroys any charm this catchphrase might have by saying it over and over? Then again, it’s not like Bubsy isn’t good at ruining things. Apparently, after he uses the bathroom, the toilet gets a Purple Heart.
Speaking of lack of charm, Bubsy himself is an asshole. Even though his “sidekick” Arnold the Armadillo doesn’t want anything to do with him, Bubsy is insistent on being an obnoxious and completely unlikeable “hero”. Even worse is when Bubsy’s nephew and niece come over to celebrate their birthday. Bubsy promptly tells them that Arnold is hiding under the couch, and the twins start pulling on him and rolling him into bowling pins.
Seriously, I have never felt more sorry for an animal than I do for Arnold the Armadillo. All throughout this cartoon, he is abused and humiliated by Bubsy, who is too much of a dense jackass to realize what he’s doing. Plus you’ve got the twins who treat him like utter crap. Look, Arnold, food and shelter are not worth this abuse. Besides, I know other Batman villians who need childhood abuse more than you do. Don’t be selfish.
So Bubsy is watching a TV news report about a helmet that makes the wearer’s thoughts come true. Naturally, this is the best thing to put in the hands of an idiotic bobcat, so he decides to go the inventor’s lab and test it. Meanwhile, the report gets the attention of some fat cat lady across town, who wants to use the helmet for her own selfish needs. I guess hard work is too much of a hassle, huh? Sounds like the kind of person who hires a guy in India to buy Baltic Avenue for her.
Bubsy, Arnold, and the twins swing over to the lab where they meet up with inventor of the helmet, a Vergil Reality. (OH GEE THAT IS QUITE CLEVER.) Vergil tells Bubsy to make sure his wish is specific, but paying attention and counting are things Bubsy has difficulty with.
Eventually Bubsy wishes everyone back into the lab after some hijinks. The twins announce how bored they are and ask to play with the helmet, but Vergil cuts that noise short. Unfortunately, while Bubsy is blindly placing the helmet on a chair, Male Twin switches the chair with Girl Twin’s head, and they sneak out with the helmet in their possession. Man, is Bubsy’s ENTIRE family a bunch of unlikeable douchebags? I can just imagine Halloween. “Trick or treat! The one you choose will determine if you find your dog before he runs out of oxygen.”
Outside the lab, Fat Cat Lady’s minions fly overhead – a vulture carrying a shrew. (They have names, but I would have to actually care if I was to learn them.) They see the twins fighting over the helmet, so they divebomb right at them. Apparently divebombing is really slow, because while they’re doing it:
1. The twins wish for ponies, speedboats, and giant birthday cakes. (It’s their birthday, by the way.)
2. The shrew is hit by lightning and a passing plane.
3. The vulture READS A COOKBOOK to find the best recipe for cooking bobcat twins.
Come on, guys! I know it’s a cartoon, but that doesn’t mean you can skimp on logic. These guys are right above the lab, not a thousand feet in the air. It shouldn’t take that long to swoop down. We wouldn’t tolerate that with planes. Ever been on a plane that took five hours to land? I’m just saying – if you didn’t fly female planes next to the males, then the males wouldn’t keep losing focus.
So when they land, Vulture walks up to the twins and demands the helmet. Male Twin responds by wishing for a roller coaster and taking them all on a crazy ride. Meanwhile, Bubsy and the others go outside to find that all of reality has been changed into a massive theme park. When the twins shoot by, Bubsy grabs on the end of their car along with Arnold. They ride for a while until Bubsy tells them to “stop it this instant”.
Bubsy and Arnold are hurtled all the way back to their house. (Somehow.) After landing, Bubsy then walks into Male Twin’s giant toe, because now the twins are suddenly Godzilla-sized. They accidentally step on Bubsy and Arnold, and shrink back down to normal size because they figure they’re in trouble. And you’re damn right they are! Look at all the trouble you caused, you little snots! What do you have to say for yourselves?
Unfortunately, before I can kill these little assholes, Vulture drops Shrew on the twins. Shrew grabs the helmet and burrows through the dirt Bugs Bunny style, but Bubsy stops him with a shovel. Fortunately, Shrew is even dumber than Bubsy, so he agrees to trade the helmet for a stick of dynamite disguised as a corn dog.
Okay, mission accomplished. We got the helmet back. Now, where were we?
Ah, yes.
But once again, my triumph is spoiled when Vulture flies past and grabs the twins, along with the helmet! Get back here, you crazy bird! Look, you can have their flesh – all I want is their bones!
So Vulture and Shrew give Fat Cat Lady the helmet, and she starts wishing for expensive stuff while the two minions go off to cook the twins. Meanwhile, Bubsy goes back to Vergil’s lab and starts moping about how much he screwed up. He picks up Arnold and beats himself in the head, then lets him fall into some random electrical field, which somehow helps Bubsy cheer himself up. Boy, that was fast. God knows I can’t cheer people up that easily. The best I’ve done is telling someone, “The good news is that your house is on fire.”
Okay! Now that Bubsy is back in the game, he needs a cunning plan to figure out the address to Vulture and Shrew’s hideout! And what is this great plan?
He just CALLS Shrew and basically asks him where his address is. Shrew, being a total dingbat, doesn’t think twice of it. Still, there’s no reason for Bubsy to do this. Why? Well, last time I checked, ADDRESSES WERE ALSO PRINTED IN THE PHONE BOOK.
SO ANYWAY, after the twins escape Vulture and Shrew, Bubsy and the gang bop over to Fat Cat Lady’s place to get the helmet back. What ensues is a dragged-out scene where everyone fights over the helmet, and the thing jumps around on everyone’s heads like a horny flea. Eventually it lands on Bubsy, and at this point, the thing is shorting out, so Bubsy makes one last wish to stop the bad guys.
Hooray! These extremely lame and incompetent villians were easily defeated by what amounted to magic. What better way for this episode to end than for the helmet to explode and ELECTROCUTE EVERYONE TO DEATH.
…okay, that didn’t happen. But it might as well have! It’s easy to see why this show wasn’t picked up. The animation was terrible, the characters annoying, the physical comedy weak, the source material doomed to failure, the sentence overbearing, the patience running thin, the reader gasping for air, the commas happy for work.
Just remember – for all of the awful things you see on TV these days, it could’ve been a lot worse. I just know that if this show was picked up, I would’ve dropped it like a bad habit. You know, like aiming before you shoot a squirrel.
Dancin’ Bubsy GIF procured from Femmegasm, which has just wrapped up a storyline involving the ghost of Bubsy. It pleases me, because I like to think Bubsy did himself in with a Hemingway special.
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