Giant Robot Invasion! – Home of Comedy Writer Matt Willard

Let Roger show you the life and times of a garbage scow captain. Now with 100% Not As Boring As You’d Think!

As you may already know, I’m a huge fan of GamePro. But did you know there was a short-lived TV show based on the magazine? It makes sense. After all, video games really hit their stride during the 90s with the success of the Nintendo Entertainment System, and later the Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis. It was only a matter of time until producers realized the kind of television bounty they sat on. This discovery spurned the creation of another TV series, The People Who Get To Be On “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous”.

You probably already know about the video game cartoons like the Super Mario Bros. Super Show and Captain N: The Game Master. However, there were also several live-action shows. Most were game shows (like the legendary Where In The World is Carmen Sandiego?) but GamePro TV stayed true to its original format, with all the features found in the original magazine. There was even an episode based on their spinoff magazine called “AdPro”, where they reviewed the commercials that had just aired.

Now, I’ll confess – I didn’t see this show growing up. I only discovered it through a bunch of episodes on YouTube. (I’ll link you at the end of the post.) Still, since GamePro TV embodies the cheesiness of the 90s, I figured I’d cover it. That love for nostalgia is why I’d be a horrible teacher. “Do your homework, and you’ll get an A. Bring me a Beast Wars toy, and you can move on to the third grade.”

By the way, I wasn’t kidding when I said GamePro TV was full of 90s cheese. Watch any of the episodes and you’ll feel like you were dragged back in time to put the 80s out of their misery. The sets are colorfully loud, borrowing design cues from Saved By The Bell, and the soundtrack consists of hardcore rock and techno “music”. But the final cement that holds GamePro TV firmly in 90s culture are the hosts themselves, J.D. Roth and Brennan Howard.

You know, I’m always amazed by how fashion quickly looks outdated and strange to modern eyes. Sure, this effect is far stronger when looking at clothing from the 50s, but even now, I’m sitting here in 20th century clothing wondering where the 90s went wrong. Just soak in those hip outfits. It’s remarkable how this was once considered to be cool, wasn’t it? What’s messed up is that in a hundred years, what I’m wearing now will be considered uncool. What a strange future that will be. No one will try anything that isn’t made from Taylor Swift’s old skin.

At least J.D. Roth could get away with dressing like that. Though his acting wasn’t particularly strong in this show, he’s still interesting to watch. And hey, he’s the guy behind other children’s game shows like Fun House and Masters of the Maze. Guess what? He also did the voice for Jonny Quest on The Real Adventures of Jonny Quest, another beloved 90s cartoon. With an impressive resume like that, it’s hard to find fault with the guy. I’d just wish he would get rid of his sink. After all, when I turn the Bible sideways and squint real hard, it clearly says that owning a sink makes you gay.

No, the real problem rests with Brennan. I theorize that, after being caught in a random dimensional influx, he was infused with the spiritual essence of Bill and Ted. It’s the only reason why he wears silly clothing, sports an electrified hairdo, and speaks in a “RADICAL” surfer dialect. This annoys me. Thanks to Brennan’s interference, GamePro TV will always be grounded in the 90s. And if GamePro keeps this up, it can just forget about going to the prom, too.

Actually, what’s strange about Brennan is that he eventually disappears from the show. Suddenly, J.D. Roth is flying solo, and it’s never explained why. What happened to the B-Man? I can only assume there was tension between Brennan and Roth. After all, the show is called “GamePRO”. That’s singular. J.D. Roth must have challenged Brennan to one final showdown for supremacy. Too bad no one remembers it. Probably because they fought on the exact same day as the Rapture, before it was cancelled due to lack of interest.

What’s interesting is that a few of the episodes hint at the conflict leading up to this final conflict. Just look at Brennan’s face when Roth yanks away a gaming device from him and shouts “Psyche!”

Damn, he looks INSULTED, doesn’t he? And he falls for the “psyche” TWICE. What kind of an asshole does Roth have to be to pull that on Brennan? Especially if Brennan can’t see it coming both times. It’s not fair if you pick on someone stupider than you, man. At least even up the odds first. How long do you think it’d take for you to get Alzheimer’s?

Who knows. Maybe Brennan was jealous of Roth’s magical powers. See, in the recurring segment called “SWAT” (Secret Weapons and Tactics) Roth kept jumping into video game worlds to introduce codes and strategies. I’ve only seen Brennan do it once – most of the time, Roth alone has that power. Could it be that Brennan left the show to gain his own video game powers so he could fight Roth? It would be a pretty radical battle, that’s for sure. Except for the one in my misprinted Bible. You know, the one where Micheal fistfights Judas?

Speaking of SWAT, video game strategies were the main focus of the show. In “Viewer SWAT”, you could send in a video of yourself giving tips for a game, and you could also send in a video asking a video game question for “Ask The Pros”. Of course, since GamePro TV didn’t last long, it’s hard to tell if these videos are fake or not. Many of them sound like they’re reading off scripts. I personally like the one guy in a football jersey who asks for help on John Madden Football – the dear air between his words are so huge that people could live in them on Mars.

There’s also quite a few kids in these videos. It makes more sense than a grown man playing Madden, but they sound fake too. I don’t care how talented your five year old is – we can probably tell when he’s acting. Hell, one kid said he was playing StarTropics, a game for the Nintendo Entertainment System that can get VERY tough. Do they expect us to believe second graders have the patience to stick with a game like that? Hell, I didn’t have the patience to wait for Santa. One year I even stayed up so I could give him a performance review. “Santa, I’m afraid you’ll have to speed up your output if you want to keep working for the Willard household.”

But the main appeal of GamePro TV, to me, are the previews and reviews. You didn’t see them often (usually only one game was reviewed per episode) but they still felt like reviews ripped straight from the magazine. The previews were also interesting to watch, and like I mentioned in my discussion of the GamePro magazine, it’s neat to look back now and see how a hyped game or console really fared. I gotta smirk at Brennan’s enthusiastic coverage of the Sega CD, because we all know what kind of knife in the heart that was to Sega.

GamePro TV only lasted for a year before it got shelved. It’s easy to see why. Despite how much I enjoy it, it’s still cheesy, low-budget fare. Then again, video game shows don’t normally hang around for long, do they? Hell, GamePro TV’s been reincarnated in a few different formats, and it always manages to get shut down fairly quickly. It’s a trend that needs to stop. If we can have a few consistent shows and specials about movies, why can’t we have more programming dedicated to video games? It wouldn’t be hard. Spike II used to do it all the time…you know, back when I used to call the channel G4.

Click here to watch some of the GamePro TV episodes online, uploaded by Nick Fricke of Siliconera.

After Sonic the Hedgehog came out, many other video game companies tried to cash in with their own animals of attitude. Bubsy the Bobcat is probably the king of that crop. Not because he was good, mind you – he failed just as much as the others. It’s just that his fall from grace was far more satisfying. Kinda like that plane crash where all the passengers were villians from Christmas specials.

But Accolade (the guys behind Bubsy) really wanted their mascot to succeed. To that end, they decided that a full-fledged animated series was just the thing Bubsy needed to capture the limelight. If it worked for Mario and Sonic, why not him?

Of course, Accolade failed to account for two major factors:

1. Mario and Sonic landed cartoons because their games were popular, fun, and competent.
2. Except for the Saturday morning Sonic cartoon, the Mario and Sonic shows BLOW CHUNKS.

Bubsy was no different. Only one episode of his crappy cartoon was made, shown on Thanksgiving Day and promptly forgotten. The only way you can see it now is on video sharing sites. But here’s the Challenge of the Superfriends: can you actually sit through it without feeling disgusted afterwards? Don’t worry, everyone! I’ve already watched it for you. And now I know what I’m getting you for Christmas. Here’s a hint: after it knocks down your house, they’ll have room to build a highway.

Fortunately, Bubsy is one of those cartoons that you will instantly hate after watching the intro. Really, how are you going to take him seriously after he tries to brush his teeth with a handheld grinder? It gets worse at warp speed – after Bubsy eats breakfast, he goes down a slide and does…well, this.

That’d better not be a rain dance. Last time Bubsy did that, it started raining men. And since my god makes people by throwing them away, I got a religious holiday.

So the episode is actually called “What Could Possibly Go Wrong?”. It’s also Bubsy’s catchphrase. Would you be surprised if I told you that Bubsy quickly destroys any charm this catchphrase might have by saying it over and over? Then again, it’s not like Bubsy isn’t good at ruining things. Apparently, after he uses the bathroom, the toilet gets a Purple Heart.

Speaking of lack of charm, Bubsy himself is an asshole. Even though his “sidekick” Arnold the Armadillo doesn’t want anything to do with him, Bubsy is insistent on being an obnoxious and completely unlikeable “hero”. Even worse is when Bubsy’s nephew and niece come over to celebrate their birthday. Bubsy promptly tells them that Arnold is hiding under the couch, and the twins start pulling on him and rolling him into bowling pins.

Seriously, I have never felt more sorry for an animal than I do for Arnold the Armadillo. All throughout this cartoon, he is abused and humiliated by Bubsy, who is too much of a dense jackass to realize what he’s doing. Plus you’ve got the twins who treat him like utter crap. Look, Arnold, food and shelter are not worth this abuse. Besides, I know other Batman villians who need childhood abuse more than you do. Don’t be selfish.

So Bubsy is watching a TV news report about a helmet that makes the wearer’s thoughts come true. Naturally, this is the best thing to put in the hands of an idiotic bobcat, so he decides to go the inventor’s lab and test it. Meanwhile, the report gets the attention of some fat cat lady across town, who wants to use the helmet for her own selfish needs. I guess hard work is too much of a hassle, huh? Sounds like the kind of person who hires a guy in India to buy Baltic Avenue for her.

Bubsy, Arnold, and the twins swing over to the lab where they meet up with inventor of the helmet, a Vergil Reality. (OH GEE THAT IS QUITE CLEVER.) Vergil tells Bubsy to make sure his wish is specific, but paying attention and counting are things Bubsy has difficulty with.

Eventually Bubsy wishes everyone back into the lab after some hijinks. The twins announce how bored they are and ask to play with the helmet, but Vergil cuts that noise short. Unfortunately, while Bubsy is blindly placing the helmet on a chair, Male Twin switches the chair with Girl Twin’s head, and they sneak out with the helmet in their possession. Man, is Bubsy’s ENTIRE family a bunch of unlikeable douchebags? I can just imagine Halloween. “Trick or treat! The one you choose will determine if you find your dog before he runs out of oxygen.”

Outside the lab, Fat Cat Lady’s minions fly overhead – a vulture carrying a shrew. (They have names, but I would have to actually care if I was to learn them.) They see the twins fighting over the helmet, so they divebomb right at them. Apparently divebombing is really slow, because while they’re doing it:

1. The twins wish for ponies, speedboats, and giant birthday cakes. (It’s their birthday, by the way.)
2. The shrew is hit by lightning and a passing plane.
3. The vulture READS A COOKBOOK to find the best recipe for cooking bobcat twins.

Come on, guys! I know it’s a cartoon, but that doesn’t mean you can skimp on logic. These guys are right above the lab, not a thousand feet in the air. It shouldn’t take that long to swoop down. We wouldn’t tolerate that with planes. Ever been on a plane that took five hours to land? I’m just saying – if you didn’t fly female planes next to the males, then the males wouldn’t keep losing focus.

So when they land, Vulture walks up to the twins and demands the helmet. Male Twin responds by wishing for a roller coaster and taking them all on a crazy ride. Meanwhile, Bubsy and the others go outside to find that all of reality has been changed into a massive theme park. When the twins shoot by, Bubsy grabs on the end of their car along with Arnold. They ride for a while until Bubsy tells them to “stop it this instant”.

Bubsy and Arnold are hurtled all the way back to their house. (Somehow.) After landing, Bubsy then walks into Male Twin’s giant toe, because now the twins are suddenly Godzilla-sized. They accidentally step on Bubsy and Arnold, and shrink back down to normal size because they figure they’re in trouble. And you’re damn right they are! Look at all the trouble you caused, you little snots! What do you have to say for yourselves?

Unfortunately, before I can kill these little assholes, Vulture drops Shrew on the twins. Shrew grabs the helmet and burrows through the dirt Bugs Bunny style, but Bubsy stops him with a shovel. Fortunately, Shrew is even dumber than Bubsy, so he agrees to trade the helmet for a stick of dynamite disguised as a corn dog.

Okay, mission accomplished. We got the helmet back. Now, where were we?

Ah, yes.

But once again, my triumph is spoiled when Vulture flies past and grabs the twins, along with the helmet! Get back here, you crazy bird! Look, you can have their flesh – all I want is their bones!

So Vulture and Shrew give Fat Cat Lady the helmet, and she starts wishing for expensive stuff while the two minions go off to cook the twins. Meanwhile, Bubsy goes back to Vergil’s lab and starts moping about how much he screwed up. He picks up Arnold and beats himself in the head, then lets him fall into some random electrical field, which somehow helps Bubsy cheer himself up. Boy, that was fast. God knows I can’t cheer people up that easily. The best I’ve done is telling someone, “The good news is that your house is on fire.”

Okay! Now that Bubsy is back in the game, he needs a cunning plan to figure out the address to Vulture and Shrew’s hideout! And what is this great plan?

He just CALLS Shrew and basically asks him where his address is. Shrew, being a total dingbat, doesn’t think twice of it. Still, there’s no reason for Bubsy to do this. Why? Well, last time I checked, ADDRESSES WERE ALSO PRINTED IN THE PHONE BOOK.

SO ANYWAY, after the twins escape Vulture and Shrew, Bubsy and the gang bop over to Fat Cat Lady’s place to get the helmet back. What ensues is a dragged-out scene where everyone fights over the helmet, and the thing jumps around on everyone’s heads like a horny flea. Eventually it lands on Bubsy, and at this point, the thing is shorting out, so Bubsy makes one last wish to stop the bad guys.

Hooray! These extremely lame and incompetent villians were easily defeated by what amounted to magic. What better way for this episode to end than for the helmet to explode and ELECTROCUTE EVERYONE TO DEATH.

…okay, that didn’t happen. But it might as well have! It’s easy to see why this show wasn’t picked up. The animation was terrible, the characters annoying, the physical comedy weak, the source material doomed to failure, the sentence overbearing, the patience running thin, the reader gasping for air, the commas happy for work.

Just remember – for all of the awful things you see on TV these days, it could’ve been a lot worse. I just know that if this show was picked up, I would’ve dropped it like a bad habit. You know, like aiming before you shoot a squirrel.

Dancin’ Bubsy GIF procured from Femmegasm, which has just wrapped up a storyline involving the ghost of Bubsy. It pleases me, because I like to think Bubsy did himself in with a Hemingway special.

I’m a big fan of breakfast cereal. It’s easy to throw together and there’s no cooking involved. (A surefire way to get me to pass on food is to force me to cook it.) As a kid I ate a bunch of sugary crap before school – Corn Pops, Fruity Pebbles, Lucky Charms, et cetera. Okay, TECHNICALLY, they were cheap bag cereals that mimicked the popular brands, but who cared? Well, the Anal Patrol did. Once I said “less” instead of “fewer”, so I got community service.

Because I usually picked Reese’s for breakfast, Chex cereal never really excited me. Oh, sure, Chex Mix is great, but you need the nuts and pretzels to carry that snack. Chex cereal itself is pretty unremarkable. I don’t know when they introduced the flavored variants, but when I was growing up, we had wheat, corn, and rice flavors. They all tasted like the same flavor – “bland”. To this date I don’t know anyone who ate Chex without dumping something good in there. I even knew someone who ate it with concrete. (It killed him, but now children can draw on his corpse with chalk.)

But the guys behind Chex must’ve realized that their cereal sucked, because in 1996, they introduced one of the best marketing ploys cereal has ever seen. It was a monumental success and sold lots of Chex. I should know – I bought some when it was going on. After all, who can resist buying cereal that comes with a FREE computer game?

Enter Chex Quest.

Now, at first glance, Chex Quest looks like a stupid idea. I’ll give you that. And the awful 3D intro cinematic certainly doesn’t help. When you start a new game, it leads you inside a space station where a meeting of the…ahem, Intergalactic Federation of Cereals is being held. Yeah, that’s a good start, ain’t it? And the members all have bodies that resemble various bits of cereal. That’s why when a certain alarm goes off someone yells, “Oh, SHIT, the Trix Rabbit found a way inside!”

Anyway, the cereal people are discussing a new threat, which began when a volcano exploded and tossed some rocks into space. These rocks contain the larvae of slime monsters called Flemoids. When exposed to nutritional substance, they grow to full size – that’s why they’ve invaded the Nutritional Development Facility on a planet called Bazoik. (By the way, who’s the genius that came up with a name like Bazoik? “And here to name this newly discovered planet is my good friend, Gerald McBoing-Boing.”)

A scientist comes in and explains that the Flemoids can’t be harmed by their “zorchers”, but by recalibrating them, they can teleport the Flemoids back to their home dimension. It’s a pretty flimsy excuse to dodge violence, but no one cared. Kids still probably thought they were killing a whole room of Flemoids with their rapid-fire zorcher. Really, if kids are going to think that anyway, why bother censoring it? You’re not killing people, you’re blowing up Nickelodeon slime.

Of course, rather than deploy an entire army, they need one lone soldier to waltz into Bazoik and take care of business. Well, this is a Chex game, after all. Who better to risk his life than a guy called the Chex Warrior?

So, yeah. It doesn’t look good so far. But the reason this marketing tactic worked so well is that Chex Quest was based off an already popular game. You see, Chex Quest is actually a modified version of Ultimate Doom. That’s right. It’s Doom for kids. The demons were changed into Flemoids and the weapons were changed into zorchers, but it still functions like Doom. The zorchers still act like Doom weapons, so it’s fun to pick up a badass zorcher and toast fools with it. Let’s face it – if U.S. soldiers got zorchers during Vietnam, hippies would’ve asked Santa for a draft letter.

So you go through all five levels of the facility and eventually take down a wall of slime blocking off other cereal people stuck on the planet. When you rescue them, the ending starts to play. Strangely, it’s not rendered in 3D – it uses animated stills that spin and stretch. Did they run out of their budget or something? Maybe they had to hire new staff. After all, if you don’t clear the annual Russian roulette tournament, why bother paying you?

But what you’re waiting for is after the ending – the game directs you to www.chexquest.com, where you could then download the free sequel, Chex Quest 2. It continued the storyline by trailing Chex Warrior back to his homeworld, where he has to fight off another invading Flemoid threat. Don’t these slime monsters have anything better to do? Maybe not, if the only TV show in your home dimension is called BLAHKGAKABLECKABLAH.

And even THEN, the tale wasn’t over. In 2008, two members of the original Chex Quest development team came out with Chex Quest 3. Not only did it conclude the adventure once and for all, but it updated the first two games with a bunch of new options. You have to admit, that’s one hell of a nice surprise. A series that has been dead for years, receiving a sequel out of the blue? It feels like you’re a kid all over again. (I know how it feels – I repeated third grade five times before I left the time loop.)

Chex Quest was a brilliant marketing tactic that proved to be fun for adults as well as kids. Not only did it sell a lot of Chex, but it inspired two sequels and a dedicated community that uses the game to create their own maps. With that kind of impact, Chex Quest definitely deserves a place in gaming history. I only hope that more breakfast cereals look at Chex Quest and try making their own awesome promotional games. Just imagine it. Tony the Tiger Football! Count Chocula’s Haunting Adventure! Or my personal favorite – Oh SHIT, The Trix Rabbit Is Inside The Facility!

Click here to get to the download page for Chex Quest 3, which contains all three Chex Quest games in one package.

(Chex and Chex Quest is copyrighted to General Mills and other respective parties. Video from YouTube user needateleporterhere.)

-Written by Justin Bailey

Hey, all! This is Justin Bailey, and today I’m here to cover Metroid 2: Return of Samus, which is the sequel to the original Metroid on NES. It’s an appropriate title for a sequel, because once again, my special guest is none other than Samus Aran herself!

Samus: Hello again, Justin.

Justin: Hold on! Why are you in black and white?

Samus: Metroid 2′s a Game Boy game. What did you expect?

Justin: Your boobs…they’re so PIXELLATED! They must feel like Legos! I’d better touch them to make sure.

Samus: Don’t start with me.

Justin: Er, right. Anyway, what’s the story behind this adventure?

Samus: Well, after the events that took place on planet Zebes, the Galactic Federation decided that the parasitic lifeforms called Metroids had to be destroyed so no one could use them for evil again. They hired me to enter the caverns of planet SR388 to exterminate the thiry-nine Metroids within.

Justin: Thirty-nine? That’s a pretty specific number. Why do you think there’s exactly thirty-nine Metroids?

Samus: Good question. Maybe there’s a fortieth Metroid that’s unaccounted for.

Justin: But that’s definitely not foreshadowing at all.

Samus: Huh?

Justin: Anyway, let’s talk about the game itself. Now, compared with the other games in the Metroid series, Metroid 2 wasn’t as well-recieved.

Samus: It’s not THAT bad.

Justin: See, that’s the thing. I don’t know as much about it as I’d like, so I can’t really form an opinion about it.

Samus: Well, why don’t you join me in the game for a while? Nothing like first-hand experience.

Justin: That’s a great idea! A man and a woman, lost in the dark caverns of SR388, where they face adventure, danger, and an overwhelming urge to begin touching each other!

Samus: I’m NOT-

Justin: ONWARDS, TO SR388!

Justin: All right, we’re here. First off, where are we on the map?

Samus: There is no map.

Justin: WHAT? Then how are we supposed to know where we’re going or where we’ve been?

Samus: This was before automaps became standard. Just map it yourself.

Justin: Screw that! I came here to hunt Metroids, not homework! Let’s just get started, I’m sure it won’t be too bad.

LATER…

LATER…

Justin: Whew. Thank God we got out of there all right. We’d better stick together. Things could get rough. I’d better rub your boobs so I can identify you by touch.

Samus: …look, there’s the Spider Ball powerup! It should let me climb up walls and ceilings.

Justin: That sounds pretty hot.

Samus: Shut up.

Samus: This thing’s so hard to control. Sometimes it won’t even go in the direction I want.

Justin: Look, can you see any kind of exit up there? The music’s getting really repetitive. I know it’s the Game Boy and all, but it’s just so bland and uninspired.

Samus: Then help me look for an exit instead of undressing me in your head.

Justin: How did you know I was doing that.

Justin: Thank God, a save point. These things are way too far apart. It’s a portable system, they should’ve at least included a quick save!

Samus: Quit griping. My Metroid detector’s going off. We must be near one of them now.

Justin: HA! Take that, you parasitic scum!

Samus: Justin, I was the one that fought it off.

Justin: Uh huh.

Samus: While you ran back to the ship to hide.

Justin: I was just giving you room to work!

Samus: Is that why you took my ship into orbit?

Justin: Uh…

JUMP CUT!

Justin: Well, Samus, that was fun, but I don’t think I’m going to stick around long enough to help you with the other thirty-eight Metroids.

Samus: I’m not surprised.

Justin: Anyway. My final thoughts? Well, Metroid 2 has a lot of problems, sure, but at its core it’s still a fun game. If you like exploring a big world and you don’t mind following a map to the letter, then Metroid 2 might be up your alley.

Samus: Plus, the storyline affects other games in the Metroid series, so it’s a good idea to at least watch the ending.

Justin: COUGH COUGH FORESHADOWING COUGH

Samus: What?

Justin: WELL, that’s it for this review. I’m ready for some fun. You know, the fair’s in town. You want to go?

Samus: Sure. I could use a distraction.

Justin: Great! Now I won’t even have to buy any balloons!

Samus: They’re not balloons.