Giant Robot Invasion!

After Sonic the Hedgehog came out, many other video game companies tried to cash in with their own animals of attitude. Bubsy the Bobcat is probably the king of that crop. Not because he was good, mind you – he failed just as much as the others. It’s just that his fall from grace was far more satisfying. Kinda like that plane crash where all the passengers were villians from Christmas specials.

But Accolade (the guys behind Bubsy) really wanted their mascot to succeed. To that end, they decided that a full-fledged animated series was just the thing Bubsy needed to capture the limelight. If it worked for Mario and Sonic, why not him?

Of course, Accolade failed to account for two major factors:

1. Mario and Sonic landed cartoons because their games were popular, fun, and competent.
2. Except for the Saturday morning Sonic cartoon, the Mario and Sonic shows BLOW CHUNKS.

Bubsy was no different. Only one episode of his crappy cartoon was made, shown on Thanksgiving Day and promptly forgotten. The only way you can see it now is on video sharing sites. But here’s the Challenge of the Superfriends: can you actually sit through it without feeling disgusted afterwards? Don’t worry, everyone! I’ve already watched it for you. And now I know what I’m getting you for Christmas. Here’s a hint: after it knocks down your house, they’ll have room to build a highway.

Fortunately, Bubsy is one of those cartoons that you will instantly hate after watching the intro. Really, how are you going to take him seriously after he tries to brush his teeth with a handheld grinder? It gets worse at warp speed – after Bubsy eats breakfast, he goes down a slide and does…well, this.

That’d better not be a rain dance. Last time Bubsy did that, it started raining men. And since my god makes people by throwing them away, I got a religious holiday.

So the episode is actually called “What Could Possibly Go Wrong?”. It’s also Bubsy’s catchphrase. Would you be surprised if I told you that Bubsy quickly destroys any charm this catchphrase might have by saying it over and over? Then again, it’s not like Bubsy isn’t good at ruining things. Apparently, after he uses the bathroom, the toilet gets a Purple Heart.

Speaking of lack of charm, Bubsy himself is an asshole. Even though his “sidekick” Arnold the Armadillo doesn’t want anything to do with him, Bubsy is insistent on being an obnoxious and completely unlikeable “hero”. Even worse is when Bubsy’s nephew and niece come over to celebrate their birthday. Bubsy promptly tells them that Arnold is hiding under the couch, and the twins start pulling on him and rolling him into bowling pins.

Seriously, I have never felt more sorry for an animal than I do for Arnold the Armadillo. All throughout this cartoon, he is abused and humiliated by Bubsy, who is too much of a dense jackass to realize what he’s doing. Plus you’ve got the twins who treat him like utter crap. Look, Arnold, food and shelter are not worth this abuse. Besides, I know other Batman villians who need childhood abuse more than you do. Don’t be selfish.

So Bubsy is watching a TV news report about a helmet that makes the wearer’s thoughts come true. Naturally, this is the best thing to put in the hands of an idiotic bobcat, so he decides to go the inventor’s lab and test it. Meanwhile, the report gets the attention of some fat cat lady across town, who wants to use the helmet for her own selfish needs. I guess hard work is too much of a hassle, huh? Sounds like the kind of person who hires a guy in India to buy Baltic Avenue for her.

Bubsy, Arnold, and the twins swing over to the lab where they meet up with inventor of the helmet, a Vergil Reality. (OH GEE THAT IS QUITE CLEVER.) Vergil tells Bubsy to make sure his wish is specific, but paying attention and counting are things Bubsy has difficulty with.

“I wanna fly!”

“I’M SORRY, MY TEXT PARSER DOESN’T UNDERSTAND THAT PHRASE. DID YOU MEAN ‘PLANE THAT VANISHES MID-FLIGHT’?”

Eventually Bubsy wishes everyone back into the lab after some hijinks. The twins announce how bored they are and ask to play with the helmet, but Vergil cuts that noise short. Unfortunately, while Bubsy is blindly placing the helmet on a chair, Male Twin switches the chair with Girl Twin’s head, and they sneak out with the helmet in their possession. Man, is Bubsy’s ENTIRE family a bunch of unlikeable douchebags? I can just imagine Halloween. “Trick or treat! The one you choose will determine if you find your dog before he runs out of oxygen.”

Outside the lab, Fat Cat Lady’s minions fly overhead – a vulture carrying a shrew. (They have names, but I would have to actually care if I was to learn them.) They see the twins fighting over the helmet, so they divebomb right at them. Apparently divebombing is really slow, because while they’re doing it:

1. The twins wish for ponies, speedboats, and giant birthday cakes. (It’s their birthday, by the way.)
2. The shrew is hit by lightning and a passing plane.
3. The vulture READS A COOKBOOK to find the best recipe for cooking bobcat twins.

Come on, guys! I know it’s a cartoon, but that doesn’t mean you can skimp on logic. These guys are right above the lab, not a thousand feet in the air. It shouldn’t take that long to swoop down. We wouldn’t tolerate that with planes. Ever been on a plane that took five hours to land? I’m just saying – if you didn’t fly female planes next to the males, then the males wouldn’t keep losing focus.

So when they land, Vulture walks up to the twins and demands the helmet. Male Twin responds by wishing for a roller coaster and taking them all on a crazy ride. Meanwhile, Bubsy and the others go outside to find that all of reality has been changed into a massive theme park. When the twins shoot by, Bubsy grabs on the end of their car along with Arnold. They ride for a while until Bubsy tells them to “stop it this instant”.

Bubsy and Arnold are hurtled all the way back to their house. (Somehow.) After landing, Bubsy then walks into Male Twin’s giant toe, because now the twins are suddenly Godzilla-sized. They accidentally step on Bubsy and Arnold, and shrink back down to normal size because they figure they’re in trouble. And you’re damn right they are! Look at all the trouble you caused, you little snots! What do you have to say for yourselves?

“But it’s our BIRTHDAY!”

“AND NOW IT’LL BE YOUR FUNERAL”

Unfortunately, before I can kill these little assholes, Vulture drops Shrew on the twins. Shrew grabs the helmet and burrows through the dirt Bugs Bunny style, but Bubsy stops him with a shovel. Fortunately, Shrew is even dumber than Bubsy, so he agrees to trade the helmet for a stick of dynamite disguised as a corn dog.

Okay, mission accomplished. We got the helmet back. Now, where were we?

Ah, yes.

DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE

But once again, my triumph is spoiled when Vulture flies past and grabs the twins, along with the helmet! Get back here, you crazy bird! Look, you can have their flesh – all I want is their bones!

So Vulture and Shrew give Fat Cat Lady the helmet, and she starts wishing for expensive stuff while the two minions go off to cook the twins. Meanwhile, Bubsy goes back to Vergil’s lab and starts moping about how much he screwed up. He picks up Arnold and beats himself in the head, then lets him fall into some random electrical field, which somehow helps Bubsy cheer himself up. Boy, that was fast. God knows I can’t cheer people up that easily. The best I’ve done is telling someone, “The good news is that your house is on fire.”

Okay! Now that Bubsy is back in the game, he needs a cunning plan to figure out the address to Vulture and Shrew’s hideout! And what is this great plan?

“I’ll just look ‘em up in the phone book!”

He just CALLS Shrew and basically asks him where his address is. Shrew, being a total dingbat, doesn’t think twice of it. Still, there’s no reason for Bubsy to do this. Why? Well, last time I checked, ADDRESSES WERE ALSO PRINTED IN THE PHONE BOOK.

SO ANYWAY, after the twins escape Vulture and Shrew, Bubsy and the gang bop over to Fat Cat Lady’s place to get the helmet back. What ensues is a dragged-out scene where everyone fights over the helmet, and the thing jumps around on everyone’s heads like a horny flea. Eventually it lands on Bubsy, and at this point, the thing is shorting out, so Bubsy makes one last wish to stop the bad guys.

Hooray! These extremely lame and incompetent villians were easily defeated by what amounted to magic. What better way for this episode to end than for the helmet to explode and ELECTROCUTE EVERYONE TO DEATH.

…okay, that didn’t happen. But it might as well have! It’s easy to see why this show wasn’t picked up. The animation was terrible, the characters annoying, the physical comedy weak, the source material doomed to failure, the sentence overbearing, the patience running thin, the reader gasping for air, the commas happy for work.

Just remember – for all of the awful things you see on TV these days, it could’ve been a lot worse. I just know that if this show was picked up, I would’ve dropped it like a bad habit. You know, like aiming before you shoot a squirrel.

Dancin’ Bubsy GIF procured from Femmegasm, which has just wrapped up a storyline involving the ghost of Bubsy. It pleases me, because I like to think Bubsy did himself in with a Hemingway special.

I’m a big fan of breakfast cereal. It’s easy to throw together and there’s no cooking involved. (A surefire way to get me to pass on food is to force me to cook it.) As a kid I ate a bunch of sugary crap before school – Corn Pops, Fruity Pebbles, Lucky Charms, et cetera. Okay, TECHNICALLY, they were cheap bag cereals that mimicked the popular brands, but who cared? Well, the Anal Patrol did. Once I said “less” instead of “fewer”, so I got community service.

Because I usually picked Reese’s for breakfast, Chex cereal never really excited me. Oh, sure, Chex Mix is great, but you need the nuts and pretzels to carry that snack. Chex cereal itself is pretty unremarkable. I don’t know when they introduced the flavored variants, but when I was growing up, we had wheat, corn, and rice flavors. They all tasted like the same flavor – “bland”. To this date I don’t know anyone who ate Chex without dumping something good in there. I even knew someone who ate it with concrete. (It killed him, but now children can draw on his corpse with chalk.)

But the guys behind Chex must’ve realized that their cereal sucked, because in 1996, they introduced one of the best marketing ploys cereal has ever seen. It was a monumental success and sold lots of Chex. I should know – I bought some when it was going on. After all, who can resist buying cereal that comes with a FREE computer game?

Enter Chex Quest.

Now, at first glance, Chex Quest looks like a stupid idea. I’ll give you that. And the awful 3D intro cinematic certainly doesn’t help. When you start a new game, it leads you inside a space station where a meeting of the…ahem, Intergalactic Federation of Cereals is being held. Yeah, that’s a good start, ain’t it? And the members all have bodies that resemble various bits of cereal. That’s why when a certain alarm goes off someone yells, “Oh, SHIT, the Trix Rabbit found a way inside!”

Anyway, the cereal people are discussing a new threat, which began when a volcano exploded and tossed some rocks into space. These rocks contain the larvae of slime monsters called Flemoids. When exposed to nutritional substance, they grow to full size – that’s why they’ve invaded the Nutritional Development Facility on a planet called Bazoik. (By the way, who’s the genius that came up with a name like Bazoik? “And here to name this newly discovered planet is my good friend, Gerald McBoing-Boing.”)

A scientist comes in and explains that the Flemoids can’t be harmed by their “zorchers”, but by recalibrating them, they can teleport the Flemoids back to their home dimension. It’s a pretty flimsy excuse to dodge violence, but no one cared. Kids still probably thought they were killing a whole room of Flemoids with their rapid-fire zorcher. Really, if kids are going to think that anyway, why bother censoring it? You’re not killing people, you’re blowing up Nickelodeon slime.

Of course, rather than deploy an entire army, they need one lone soldier to waltz into Bazoik and take care of business. Well, this is a Chex game, after all. Who better to risk his life than a guy called the Chex Warrior?

So, yeah. It doesn’t look good so far. But the reason this marketing tactic worked so well is that Chex Quest was based off an already popular game. You see, Chex Quest is actually a modified version of Ultimate Doom. That’s right. It’s Doom for kids. The demons were changed into Flemoids and the weapons were changed into zorchers, but it still functions like Doom. The zorchers still act like Doom weapons, so it’s fun to pick up a badass zorcher and toast fools with it. Let’s face it – if U.S. soldiers got zorchers during Vietnam, hippies would’ve asked Santa for a draft letter.

So you go through all five levels of the facility and eventually take down a wall of slime blocking off other cereal people stuck on the planet. When you rescue them, the ending starts to play. Strangely, it’s not rendered in 3D – it uses animated stills that spin and stretch. Did they run out of their budget or something? Maybe they had to hire new staff. After all, if you don’t clear the annual Russian roulette tournament, why bother paying you?

But what you’re waiting for is after the ending – the game directs you to www.chexquest.com, where you could then download the free sequel, Chex Quest 2. It continued the storyline by trailing Chex Warrior back to his homeworld, where he has to fight off another invading Flemoid threat. Don’t these slime monsters have anything better to do? Maybe not, if the only TV show in your home dimension is called BLAHKGAKABLECKABLAH.

And even THEN, the tale wasn’t over. In 2008, two members of the original Chex Quest development team came out with Chex Quest 3. Not only did it conclude the adventure once and for all, but it updated the first two games with a bunch of new options. You have to admit, that’s one hell of a nice surprise. A series that has been dead for years, receiving a sequel out of the blue? It feels like you’re a kid all over again. (I know how it feels – I repeated third grade five times before I left the time loop.)

Here’s a speedrun of the first game instead of my normal screenshots, which totally doesn’t mean I had to finish this blog post at the last minute and couldn’t spend a lot of time on screenshots. No.

Chex Quest was a brilliant marketing tactic that proved to be fun for adults as well as kids. Not only did it sell a lot of Chex, but it inspired two sequels and a dedicated community that uses the game to create their own maps. With that kind of impact, Chex Quest definitely deserves a place in gaming history. I only hope that more breakfast cereals look at Chex Quest and try making their own awesome promotional games. Just imagine it. Tony the Tiger Football! Count Chocula’s Haunting Adventure! Or my personal favorite – Oh SHIT, The Trix Rabbit Is Inside The Facility!

Click here to get to the download page for Chex Quest 3, which contains all three Chex Quest games in one package.

(Chex and Chex Quest is copyrighted to General Mills and other respective parties. Video from YouTube user needateleporterhere.)

-Written by Justin Bailey

Hey, all! This is Justin Bailey, and today I’m here to cover Metroid 2: Return of Samus, which is the sequel to the original Metroid on NES. It’s an appropriate title for a sequel, because once again, my special guest is none other than Samus Aran herself!

Samus: Hello again, Justin.

Justin: Hold on! Why are you in black and white?

Samus: Metroid 2′s a Game Boy game. What did you expect?

Justin: Your boobs…they’re so PIXELLATED! They must feel like Legos! I’d better touch them to make sure.

Samus: Don’t start with me.

Justin: Er, right. Anyway, what’s the story behind this adventure?

Samus: Well, after the events that took place on planet Zebes, the Galactic Federation decided that the parasitic lifeforms called Metroids had to be destroyed so no one could use them for evil again. They hired me to enter the caverns of planet SR388 to exterminate the thiry-nine Metroids within.

Justin: Thirty-nine? That’s a pretty specific number. Why do you think there’s exactly thirty-nine Metroids?

Samus: Good question. Maybe there’s a fortieth Metroid that’s unaccounted for.

Justin: But that’s definitely not foreshadowing at all.

Samus: Huh?

Justin: Anyway, let’s talk about the game itself. Now, compared with the other games in the Metroid series, Metroid 2 wasn’t as well-recieved.

Samus: It’s not THAT bad.

Justin: See, that’s the thing. I don’t know as much about it as I’d like, so I can’t really form an opinion about it.

Samus: Well, why don’t you join me in the game for a while? Nothing like first-hand experience.

Justin: That’s a great idea! A man and a woman, lost in the dark caverns of SR388, where they face adventure, danger, and an overwhelming urge to begin touching each other!

Samus: I’m NOT-

Justin: ONWARDS, TO SR388!

Justin: All right, we’re here. First off, where are we on the map?

Samus: There is no map.

Justin: WHAT? Then how are we supposed to know where we’re going or where we’ve been?

Samus: This was before automaps became standard. Just map it yourself.

Justin: Screw that! I came here to hunt Metroids, not homework! Let’s just get started, I’m sure it won’t be too bad.

LATER…

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

LATER…

Justin: Whew. Thank God we got out of there all right. We’d better stick together. Things could get rough. I’d better rub your boobs so I can identify you by touch.

Samus: …look, there’s the Spider Ball powerup! It should let me climb up walls and ceilings.

Justin: That sounds pretty hot.

Samus: Shut up.

Samus: This thing’s so hard to control. Sometimes it won’t even go in the direction I want.

Justin: Look, can you see any kind of exit up there? The music’s getting really repetitive. I know it’s the Game Boy and all, but it’s just so bland and uninspired.

Samus: Then help me look for an exit instead of undressing me in your head.

Justin: How did you know I was doing that.

Justin: Thank God, a save point. These things are way too far apart. It’s a portable system, they should’ve at least included a quick save!

Samus: Quit griping. My Metroid detector’s going off. We must be near one of them now.

Justin: HA! Take that, you parasitic scum!

Samus: Justin, I was the one that fought it off.

Justin: Uh huh.

Samus: While you ran back to the ship to hide.

Justin: I was just giving you room to work!

Samus: Is that why you took my ship into orbit?

Justin: Uh…

JUMP CUT!

Justin: Well, Samus, that was fun, but I don’t think I’m going to stick around long enough to help you with the other thirty-eight Metroids.

Samus: I’m not surprised.

Justin: Anyway. My final thoughts? Well, Metroid 2 has a lot of problems, sure, but at its core it’s still a fun game. If you like exploring a big world and you don’t mind following a map to the letter, then Metroid 2 might be up your alley.

Samus: Plus, the storyline affects other games in the Metroid series, so it’s a good idea to at least watch the ending.

Justin: COUGH COUGH FORESHADOWING COUGH

Samus: What?

Justin: WELL, that’s it for this review. I’m ready for some fun. You know, the fair’s in town. You want to go?

Samus: Sure. I could use a distraction.

Justin: Great! Now I won’t even have to buy any balloons!

Samus: They’re not balloons.

THE FINAL VERDICT:

OH GOD NOT THIS AGAIN

RATING:

39…BOOBS

Yeah. Uh…you don’t want to know what happened to number 40.

Long ago, in a hidden land, there was a race of cartridge people. When a new cartridge was born, the parents of the cartridge would bring him or her to the Elders, and their mystical cartridge ritual would conjure a magic screen that all could behold. Upon this screen, the young cartridge’s destiny would be revealed, and they would learn the name of his destined partner, something the Elders called a “Game”.

None of the cartridge people knew where the Games came from. All they knew is that, when a Game descended fron the heavens, the cartridge destined to join with that Game would be drawn to the sacred altar, where he would unite with the Game in a blaze of light. Once together, the cartridge would journey out into the world and tell the story of his Game, to be rewarded with a high form of praise known as “good reviews”.

This is the story of one of those cartridges.

*****

CHAPTER ONE: THE INCONCEIVABLE DESTINY OF PROPHETIC STARS

Let it be quoted for the records that the day started off well. When Lydia Cartridge and George Cartridge brought in their newborn son, Ace Cartridge, to foretell his chosen Game, the magic screen revealed a Game that had evolved from a previous incarnation.

Indeed, it was considered good fortune for a cartridge to be paired with a Game based on a previous Game. Alron Dynesis Cartridge, combined with the Game called Kirby’s Adventure, had many good reviews spoken about him, and thus was a respected hero of the cartridge people. Having fathered a “sequel” to that previous Game, George Cartridge’s mating prowess would be considered exceptional, a fact that he constantly reminded Lydia about, much to her dismay.

But things took a different turn when the Elders probed further, deeper into the nature of this new Game.

“Nine Games?” the Head Elder exclaimed.

The other Elders repeated the Head Elder’s words for twenty minutes until falling into panicked whispering. A great amount of stress was placed on a cartridge when combined with multiple Games. Why, if one Game was poorly made, then it would tarnish the reputation of the whole catridge. He would seem incomplete, unfinished. If all the games were bad…well, that was much too horrible to even think about.

But the Elders had no choice. A cartridge was destined to combine with a Game, no matter how dreadful the Game could possibly be. “We are sorry,” the Head Elder declared. “There is nothing we can do.”

George Cartridge was stricken with grief. He had seen many cartridges driven mad by the weight of multiple Games on their cartridge soul, but he had never seen so many Games coupled together before. Not since Acton 52, but that cartridge had turned against the cartridge people, raving in the streets about how they would become obsolete when “CDs” were introduced, until he was hanged for his transgressions. And now…his son, young Ace Cartridge, was to inherit nine whole Games to his name.

But George Cartridge was a man of action, never one to stand idly by, and after much thought, George decided the best course of action was to become an alcoholic.

*****

CHAPTER TWO: THE RAMPANT DISCOVERY OF DIAMOND SOULS

A few months later, George was sitting on his porch solving his problems when he was hailed by an unknown visitor. The visitor introduced himself as Antonio Cartridge, and wished to speak to George about Ace. After George noticed the case of Silicon Lite that Antonio was carrying, he smiled and walked Antonio up to the porch, where they got to talking. Antonio revealed that he was a traveller, and that he had learned a unique martial art passed down by old, wise Japanese cartridges. If Ace learned this martial art, it would help him harness his power and prepare himself for his union with Kirby Super Star.

“What’s this martial art called?” George asked.

A stroke of lightning cracked the sky as Antonio spoke. “‘The jiggle’.”

“I do that when no one else is in the house,” George said. “But if you think it’ll help, then go ahead and teach him.”

And so, under Antonio’s care, Ace Cartridge learned the art of “the jiggle”, until he became a very handsome and strappling young cartridge that girl cartridges would fight over in hot cartridge catfights.

But Antonio knew that a Game of Kirby Super Star’s magnitude often had other, less worthy cartridges attempt to combine with them, ruining the Game for everyone so that it would not recieve “good reviews”. They had to be ready for anything-Ace’s union with Kirby Super Star would no doubt attract a challenger.

When the skies were flooded by dark violet clouds, a Game was about to descend, and Ace felt anticipation stirring in his cartridge soul. George and Lydia quickly drove him and Antonio to the sacred altar, where a crowd had already gathered, watching the sky as Kirby Super Star fell.

“Quick, Ace!” Antonio cried when the car stopped. “Climb onto the altar!”

Ace dashed up the stone stairway leading to the altar, but before he could reach the center, another cartridge wearing a black mask leapt onto the altar from the ground below, blocking his path.

“That’s as far as you go, Ace Cartridge!” the other cartridge sneered.

“Who are you?” Ace said.

The cartridge ripped off his mask. “I am Shroud Cartridge, the cartridge that has combined with Action 52!”

*****

CHAPTER THREE: THE PASSIONATE STAMPEDE OF GODS AND DEMONS

Ace gasped. “But you’re supposed to be dead!”

“The dark power of Action 52 revived me,” Shroud said. “But now I want more. Kirby Super Star has been highly anticipated, and I’m far more deserving of that power than any cartridge here-especially YOU, Ace Cartridge!”

“I don’t think so!” Antonio said, as he leapt up to the altar, landing by Ace’s side. “Kirby Super Star was destined to combine with Ace!”

Shroud mockingly bowed. “Why, hello, Antonio. Have you come to stop me too?”

“I should have never taken you on as a student!” Antonio said. “Ever since I met you, I knew that your heart would one day be corrupted by evil!”

“He knows ‘the jiggle’ too?!” Ace said.

“Yes,” Antonio said. “But you have become a powerful user of ‘the jiggle’ in the time I have known you, Ace. If we battle together, I know we can defeat this fiend for good!”

“Come on, then!” Shroud laughed. “Let’s see how powerful you really are!”

All three cartridges fought, and it was an awesome battle to behold, each one flopping across the floor and flinging themselves at their opponent with the skillful throws known only to wielders of “the jiggle”. But the power of Action 52 was too great, and combined with Shroud’s experience, Antonio and Ace found themselves struggling.

“Look!” one of the cartridges in the crowd shouted, and all looked up and saw that Kirby Super Star was about to land on the altar.

Antonio tackled Shroud and pinned him to the ground. “Quick, Ace! You must combine with Kirby Super Star! I’ll hold him off!”

Ace rushed over to the altar and entered the ancient combination position as foretold in the scriptures-flipping upside down and sticking his slot straight into the air.

“Foolish fool!” Shroud said, freeing himself from Antonio’s hold. “Nothing will stop me from combining with Kirby Super Star! Not even YOU, Master Antonio!” Then, reaching inside Antonio’s slot, he did the unthinkable and tore Antonio’s Game free from the old cartridge’s body!

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Ace cried, as Antonio fell to the ground.

“Good luck…Ace…” Antonio gasped, until he passed his final cartridge breath, and stopped moving.

Shroud laughed. “At last, Kirby Super Star is mine!”

“I don’t think so!” Ace shouted, and at last, Kirby Super Star cleanly inserted into Ace’s open slot.

“No!” Shroud cried. “IT CAN’T BE!”

*****

CHAPTER FOUR: THE TITILLATING RELEASE OF SACRED ABUNDANCE

“You will pay for your crime, Shroud Cartridge!” Ace declared, his voice having dropped several octaves. “Your Action 52 is powerless against the strength of Kirby Super Star!”

“No! I won’t give up!” Shroud tossed himself at Ace. “Kirby Super Star IS MINE!”

“Feel the power of all nine Games I hold!” Ace shouted.

Spring Breeze!

Dyna Blade!

Gourmet Race!

The Great Cave Offensive!

Revenge of Meta Knight!

Milky Way Wishes!

Megaton Punch!

Samurai Kirby!

“And lastly…”

THE ARENA!

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Shroud cried out. Action 52 released a primal scream, for its dark power could not stand against the majestic light emitting from Ace’s empowered body, and without Action 52 to support him, Shroud Cartridge was reduced to dust in the wake of Kirby Super Star’s brilliance.

At once the catridges let out a great cheer. Shroud had been defeated and Action 52 was destroyed, and thus, he could not endanger the land of the cartridges again. For now, all of cartridgekind had been saved.

THE FINAL VERDICT:

* Ace Cartridge went on to earn many good reviews for Kirby Super Star, and eventually settled down with a young female cartridge.

* George Cartridge entered a bout of depression after Antonio’s death, becoming an alcoholic. He gave his old alcoholism to Lydia Catridge, who had forgotten to suffer postpartum depression.

* Antonio Cartridge is still dead. He is fond of cheating at poker against Abraham Lincoln.

* The Head Elder still loves to shout dramatically and watch the other Elders repeat the same thing among themselves.

* Harold Cartridge was run over by a truck. Nobody missed him.

RATING:

“An absolutely dreadful story.” – The New Yorker

“Who thought writing about cartridges would be a good idea?” – Time

“(BARF!)” – Newsweek

“Well, I thought it was good.” – The Author’s Mother

(Kirby Super Star copyrighted to Nintendo.)

It always seem like I’m behind the gaming curve. When I finally got my hands on a PS2, for example, people were already playing their XBox 360s. I’m used to this by now. Even when I was a child, I could never hope to keep up with all the stuff my friends had. Hell, I was surprised that they already knew about the wheel.

Yet I stayed informed about the gaming world through magazines. After all, magazines are definitely cheaper than video game consoles. Reading about the latest developments was the only way for me to stay involved, and so I constantly poured through magazines like Electronic Gaming Monthly and InQuest Gamer. (InQuest Gamer covered Pokemon often, and if you read my previous article about it, you’d know that I had problems affording air, much less Pokemon stuff.)

But out of all of the gaming magazines I’ve read over the years, nothing has stood out for me quite like a little monthly called GamePro.

DIE, Zelda logo! Die in the FACE!

Back then GamePro was like no other magazine I had seen. It was bright and colorful, mixing attractive screenshots with lots of in-house artwork. And I mean lots. Cartoons were littered everywhere, mostly to break up the letters and gaming news sections. Even the number ratings for a game review were illustrated with pictures of zany heads. The reviewers weren’t immune either-instead of normal people, games were reviewed by fantastic personas like “Four-Eyed Dragon” and “Dan Elektro”. You know, I always liked the idea of a man with electric powers reviewing games. It’s good to have a hobby outside of getting your ass kicked by Spider-Man.

One of the big appeals of GamePro was its emphasis on helping players beat games. Remember, I read these in 1999. GameFAQs was only a few years old by this point, and the Internet wasn’t as widespread or as fast as it is today, so a lot of help on games still came from magazines and guides. I liked how GamePro spread full game walkthroughs over several issues. It was annoying when I only managed to get part one and part three of a walkthrough, though. It’s like if someone gave you a treasure map and glued a picture of some fat guy’s sweaty ass over the middle. You’ve got no choice but to do it blind.

Even the game reviews themselves had bits of strategy in the form of the ProTip. Screenshots were captioned with these little hints, so even without a strategy guide, you had a bit of help going in. A lot of people rag on the ProTip for giving obvious gameplay advice, but I can’t help but like them. They’re small and unforgettable. You know, just like things that suck your blood.

I don’t even need to make a quip here because every guy reading this article said the exact same thing when they read “Samus Spank”.

Besides strategy guides, the back of the magazine featured a buttload of cheat codes in a section called S.W.A.T. Pro. Apparently lots of people don’t know what S.W.A.T. stands for, since a reply to a letter in one issue declares that, “once and for all”, it stands for Secret Weapons and Tactics. Well, maybe if you picked a name that was easy to remember, you wouldn’t get this kind of flak. Why not something simpler, like “CodePro” or “CheatPro”? Or how about “Porsche”? Kids’ll remember that.

Now, even though I was mostly interested in the strategies, I made sure to read each issue from beginning to end. Well, most of the time. I didn’t give a crap about sports games or the latest gaming technology. Going back now, though, it’s strange to read about old game tech and know how well it did in the future. Remember when the Dreamcast was coming out? The first issue of GamePro I ever got ran a feature of it, and the last words of the article are, “Whether Dreamcast is Sega’s dream come true or its worst nightmare remains to be seen and played out…onscreen.” How prophetic those words turned out to be.

Then again, something tells me that the Dreamcast would’ve done better if Sega didn’t run ads telling players how much they sucked.

Buy our console! Dickcheese.

Eventually I quit reading GamePro after my local convienence store stopped carrying it. Since then I’ve drifted between Electronic Gaming Monthly and Game Informer, neither of which carried the same punch as my beloved magazine. However, GamePro has apparently made quite a few changes since I stopped reading it-not only are a lot of my favorite sections and features gone, but the ProTips and the editor personas have been dropped in an attempt to “get serious”. Although, let’s be fair-I don’t think anyone will miss a persona named “Bad Hare”.

Still, that’s a point I’d like to bring up. These days gaming is a major business and appeals to many people, but those people seem to forget about gaming’s roots as a niche purely intended for children. Gaming magazines reflected that. Sure, GamePro back in ’99 was silly and childish, but it matched the times, and that’s why it kicked ass. Some of you may look at these pictures and think, “Wow, that looks so awful”, but this is a different era. It may not be the prettiest one by your standards, but it was an essential part of the developing gaming industry, and so it deserves our respect.

Who knows? In twenty years, you may feel the same about the magazines and games you read now.
“You kids have it made! Our games were brown as hell and we liked it!”
“Hell is brown?”
“Yeah, and God calls it XBOX!”

Eventually I might pick up GamePro again. Maybe I’ll rediscover what made the magazine so awesome for me as a kid. Until then, I’ll remember GamePro for what it was used to be-silly, yet fun. Some gamers may have gotten the power with Nintendo Power, but as for me…I just have to say, “Game On, GamePros!”

(I’m sorry. That was horrible and I apologize. To make up for it, I will now enter a cave full of hungry ProTips.)

No back cover of a magazine can hope to advertise the entirety of Duke Nukem, but God knows they try.

Absolute huge mondo thanks to 2xSlick, who graciously sent me some of his old GamePro issues for me to use.