Giant Robot Invasion!

Dear Diary,

Today was my first day playing the Pokemon Trading Card Game! I was a bit nervous at first, but I’m okay now. Mom told me that I was practically born with an Abra card in my hand. Dad says it was a Geodude, and that he’s correct because he had a better view than she did at the time.

Mom sent me up to Dr. Mason’s laboratory. Dr. Mason does a lot of research on card games. Once he made a Psychic/Grass deck with Venusaur after everyone else told him it couldn’t be done but it worked so well that it got him a Golden Electabuzz Award for Excellent Use of a Type Combination. When I got there Dr. Mason gave me a free starter deck. He offered to teach me how to play but I said I already knew how because all the books in my room are rulebooks and strategy guides, and for my birthday Dad gave me a quiz about energy cards.

When we were done playing, Dr. Mason told me that there were eight Card Clubs on the island and that I was supposed to win a card game against the leader of each Club. I wanted to go right away but he said that I had enough excitement for one day and that I should go home and rest. He told me to come back tomorrow where he would help me get ready for my journey. It sounds really exciting. When I got home Mom cooked spaghetti and Dad played catch with me in the backyard. He says I’m getting better at throwing cards, I just need to flick my wrist a bit more.

A picture of me getting ready to play card games

* * * * *

Dear Diary,

Today I met someone I really like a lot! Her name’s Jessica. She’s a member of the Fighting Club. I was looking for members of the Fighting Club around the island because the Club Leader Mitch said I had to beat his students in card games before I could play one againt him. When I went into the lounge at the Fire Club I saw Jessica sitting at a table. I asked her if she was one of Mitch’s students. She said yes and I said I knew it because she was wearing a karate outfit like Mitch was.

Jessica got really cross at me and said that you don’t have to be a member of the Fighting Club to wear a karate outfit and that maybe she was really good at martial arts. I don’t know what that has to do with card games but I told her I wanted to play against Mitch and to do that I had to beat her first. She said okay and we played against each other. It was really easy. I think Jessica was distracted by the people playing a card game at the table next to us. I couldn’t tell who won, they were too busy arguing and throwing their drinks at each other.

After that we talked for a while about the Pokemon Trading Card Game. I asked her where she was going and she said she was heading back to the Fighting Club. I said I had to find the other members of the Fighting Club but that when I went back to play a card game with Mitch, I’d would go see her again. She smiled at me and said “thank you”, then left. I really liked that. I think she’s really nice.

I’m going to look for the other Club members tomorrow so right now I’m back at my house. Mom cooked spaghetti and Dad drilled me on deck construction but I’ve been doing those since I was five so it was easy.

Me playing a card game with Jessica

* * * * *

Dear Diary,

I’m really worried about Jessica. Today she said she didn’t want to play card games anymore. I’m not sure what to think.

This is what happened. After I beat the leader of the Science Club, Jessica and I went into the lounge to take a break. Jessica wanted some lunch so I said okay but she would have to pay for it because I don’t think they take booster packs. After a while a waitress came to our table and gave us the hamburgers we ordered. Mine had extra Hitmonchans on it. I asked Jessica if she wanted one of them but she said no because she wasn’t really hungry.

Then she started asking me if I wanted to do anything else with my life besides playing the Pokemon Trading Card Game. I told her that nothing was better than playing card games, but she said that she had a different dream than I did and would rather do that instead. It was confusing because I thought every other kid wanted to get the Legendary Pokemon cards too. I asked Jessica if something was wrong with her but that got her really cross at me. She said I didn’t understand and that I wasn’t listening. I told her I was listening and that even I don’t play card games all the time because I have to eat but she looked really angry so I didn’t say anything else.

When we finished eating I said I would walk Jessica back to the Fighting Club but she told me she had to go home and do something important. She sounded really serious when she said that, so I began to feel really nervous, but I said goodbye anyway and went home.

Now I feel like something bad’s going to happen to Jessica. I hope not. I hope she feels better tomorrow so we can play some card games together again. We haven’t done that in a while.

Me playing a card game with this old guy because Jessica’s not interested

* * * * *

Dear Diary,

Today Mom told me that Jessica’s parents told her that Jessica ran away. They have no idea where she went. All they found was a note that Jessica wrote that said that she was sick of card games and that she was going to go learn martial arts on another island. Mom told me about it while I was playing a card game with my goldfish Gupper and I felt so sad that I couldn’t even finish.

Why did she run away? Why does she hate the Pokemon Trading Card Game? She always played it with me and she was always happy when I won, so why does she hate it? Dad thinks that maybe if Jessica’s parents played card games with their daughter more often, they wouldn’t have this problem, but I don’t know what the reason could be.

I didn’t play enough card games today, but I don’t really want to right now. I don’t even know how well I’ll do on the obstacle course Dad set up.

Me trying to edit my deck to get Jessica off of my mind

* * * * *

Dear Diary,

Last night Jessica climbed into my room through the window. I was so excited that it was her. I told her that Dad wasn’t asleep yet because he was talking to Mr. Jack Daniels so we’d have to keep it down.

I asked her where she’s been and she told me that she’s been trying to get off the island. I asked her if she was really sick of card games and she said she was and that she had to leave. She said it was time to move on and choose her own life, because she wanted to be a martial arts champion and nobody would stop her from reaching that goal.

I didn’t want to cry, but I did, and I couldn’t find a card to wipe my eyes with because it was really dark. I said I didn’t want her to go and that ever since she left, I haven’t been in the mood to play any card games at all. Jessica hugged me and said that she was glad I cared so much for her and that she would miss me. She gave me her deck and told me to take care of it, and not to tell anyone that she came in my room. She hugged me one more time, and before I could stop her, she climbed out my window and back down the tree in the backyard. I looked around for her outside, but I couldn’t find her at all. She was gone.

I still don’t feel like playing any card games.

(By the way, if you ever read this Dad, I’m sorry I didn’t hit her with my baseball bat and I promise I’ll use it the next time someone breaks in.)

Cubone is a sad Pokemon so today I am a Cubone

* * * * *

Dear Diary,

Ronald came up to me today and asked me what was wrong. Ever since we both heard about the Legendary Pokemon cards, he’s been really mean and trying to beat all the Club Leaders before I do and making fun of my hat. Today he sounded a lot nicer. I told him I was trying to play the Pokemon Trading Card Game to get my mind away from Jessica, but it was really hard because I missed her a lot.

Ronald sat down and looked right at me. He told me I was a great card game player and that I couldn’t let one girl stop me from being the best. He asked me what was more important-friendship or card games?

I thought about it for a bit. I thought and I thought and I thought. And then, I knew that Ronald was right. I couldn’t let this stop my dream of becoming the best card game player ever. I worked hard to get where I am today. Ever since I started, I’ve played card games day and night. I’ve played card games while my friends went to school and when they went to the beach. I’ve even played card games on Christmas morning with the booster packs Santa brought me. I’ve played so many card games, trying to make my dream come true, and now I was letting my friendship with Jessica threaten that dream. That was something I knew I couldn’t do.

I stood up and thanked Ronald for helping me figure everything out. He said that it was okay and that he just wanted to see me playing card games again because I was a strong rival for him even if I was just a booger head with a stupid hat. I said his grandma could play card games better than he could and he said that was the spirit.

I told Dad about what Ronald told me and he said he had a better way of putting it. He said that “relationships are fleeting, but card games are eternal”. I thought it was a really good way of saying it.

I feel a lot better now, Diary. I lost sight of my dream for a while, but now I know I have to keep going no matter what, and that no one will stop me from reaching my goal. Not Jessica, and not anybody else. Tomorrow, I’m going up to the Lightning Club and I’m going to play card games until I puke!

Anyway, I’ll talk to you later. Mom cooked spaghetti tonight and Dad’s going to teach me how to catch cards with my teeth.

THE FINAL VERDICT:

Dear Diary,

Today I met a really strange man. He was dressed in a black suit with black ears. He told me he was the super musical star Imakuni and then he started dancing. I didn’t know what to do at first, but then I remembered that Dad always told me that whenever you meet a stranger, you should always ask him if they want to play a card game. When I asked Mr. Imakuni if he wanted to play a card game he said that if he won, I would have to dance for him. I told him I didn’t know any dances but he said he knew one that he would show me. It was a special kind of dance that you did with another person, but it had to be in a small space like a janitor’s closet. Normally people had to pay to dance with him but he said he would show it to me for free. I didn’t get to see it, though, because I won. Maybe next time I see him I’ll get to learn it.

Me and Mr. Imakuni

RATING:

GIANT CARD GAME PLAYER SPOTTED

TERRORIZING CARD GAME ISLAND

(Pokemon and Pokemon Trading Card Game copyrighted to Nintendo.)

-Written by Badass “Chump Destroyer” McKenzie

This is how America got Yu-Gi-Oh: Dark Duel Stories:

One day this Japanese dude was all, “check it, I’m gonna draw somethin’ hardcore,” and when he did that, BOOM! Yu-Gi-Oh came out and did a Godzilla scream that melted everyone’s faces off in a hundred mile radius. Japan tried to shoot it down but it didn’t work, and they were all, “Who’s RADICAL enough to destroy this thing?” SUDDENLY: AMERICA. Twenty four hundred American fighter jets came in out of nowhere and they started shooting Yu-Gi-Oh too.

But then a scientist was all, “It’s not gonna work, it’s only vulnerable to implosions!” so Captain Henry Washington Reagan Ford starts flying toward the monster’s mouth, and his son was all, “No, dad, you haven’t taught me how to lift cars yet!” but the Captain just says, “I’ll teach you when you visit VALHALLA,” and he flies right into Yu-Gi-Oh’s mouth and self-destructs. Yu-Gi-Oh explodes into a million pieces because he can handle any kind of explosion except American explosions, which is like a hundred normal explosions all in one, and when he blew up, the fallout was so intense that everyone grow mohawks.

EPILOGUE: Yu-Gi-Oh was made out of trading cards and video games, so when the Japanese saw that, they were all, “Here, sell these to get gas money for your monster trucks,” and that’s why we’re allowed to play this now.

Today’s Story: BADASS DESTROYS CHUMPS

Here’s the scoop-five duelists per round. Objective: beat some chumps into floor paste. How do you do it? A deck full of monsters ready to take a bite out of butt. Oh, no, here comes a giant dragon! CHOMP! Now you’re just a pair of legs. Where’s the rest of you? DIGESTION STATION. That’s what you get for challenging me. And when the other guy loses, this hot chick comes up to you and gives you free cards. Nothin’ like a smokin’ hot glass of babe after victory. But it ain’t over yet-you also get card parts to make your own monsters with. Splice a warrior and a tank together-BAM! Who wants to mess with Frankenstein’s BADASS? Answer-FOOLISH CHUMPS.

“It doesn’t get any better than this!” INCORRECTAMUNDO. Yu-Gi-Oh: Dark Duel Stories lets you enter the passwords on your trading cards into the game. Result? MORE POWER. Who doesn’t want more power? This ain’t for chumps. You a chump? No? PROVE IT, CHUMP. Get cards, get codes, get game, MURDER OTHER CHUMPS. Trial by EXPLOSION-can you handle it?

CHUMPS! THE WHOLE LOT OF YOU!

But don’t get wise. You can’t just load up a bunch of awesome cards and go to town. Dark Duel Stories has an anti-chump system to stop chumps like you from getting too fresh of yourselves. Ears at the ready-each card you put in your deck costs points, and if you go over your point limit, you don’t get to duel. NOW SERVING: FAILURE. How do you increase the limit? Duel like there’s no tomorrow, because for chumps, THERE WON’T BE A TOMORROW. Dead man walking = YOU, unless you get your ass in gear.

After you chumpify every duelist five times, here comes another stage. Rinse and repeat. BAM! BAM! BAM! Everyone gets the chump treatment. You gotta keep clearing stages and getting cards. It’s like a ritual-beat chumps, get cards, improve deck, UNLEASH THE MURDERSTORM. And at the end, OH HOLY MOTHER OF CRAP. You get to the final stage, with duelists made out of Kryptonite with decks that’ll make your brain leak out your ears and explode like fireworks. Man up, chump. You’ve made it this far, you gonna quit now? You’re gonna let my chainsaw down right through your SPINE if you quit now. Prove your metalcality! Are you metal? Are you VIBRANIUM? Shut up. I’m vibranium. You can be anything else, but I’m Captain America’s shield. NON-CHUMPS ONLY.

Go for the kill, Hideous Duck Monster! Be METAL and EARN YOUR DINNER!

THE FINAL VERDICT:

INCOMING TELEGRAM: ROCK SOLID. Yu-Gi-Oh: Dark Duel Stories will make your Game Boy Color grow chest hair, and so will you, even if you’re a super hot chick. It’s MAN HAIR and you’d better appreciate it. What do we call losers who hate free chest hair? ANSWER: SWEATY, UGLY CHUMPS. Do yourself a favor and accept what works.

RATING:

“I’LL BE WATCHING.”

(Yu-Gi-Oh created by Kazuki Takahashi. Yu-Gi-Oh: Dark Duel Stories copyrighted by Konami.)

-Written by Justin Bailey

Fans have certain expectations when a new Metroid game hits the scene. They expect a huge, interconnected world to explore, populated by a variety of alien creatures. They expect to power up with classic weapons such as the Super Missile and the Ice Beam. Most importantly, they expect that they should be able to bypass certain parts of the game with skillful maneuvers, allowing them to collect items in a different order, or even skip items and bosses altogether. Yeeeeep. It was always just the player’s character all alone in a dangerous, fascinating world, and that’s how the fans liked it.

Metroid Fusion was…different.

PLAYER: Man, I’ve got to sit here and listen to this stupid computer tell me what to do, and I can’t even bypass this guy to go pick up some bombs! What kind of Metroid game is this?!

NINTENDO: We decided to try something different this time-we’ve included an actual plot! Your interactions with the computer deepen the game as you explore the true nature of the X, as well as what frightening consequences would occur if they were to be unleashed on the entire galaxy!

PLAYER: Look, Nintendo, I’m not even going to bother to read that novel you just spouted, so just answer me this: can I skip any weapons in this game?

NINTENDO: Um…no.

PLAYER: Any bosses?

NINTENDO: Not really.

PLAYER: Can I skip ANYTHING?

NINTENDO: You can skip through the text! Just hold down the B Button and-

PLAYER: That’s what I thought. EYE LASERS GO!

NINTENDO: BLAAAAARGH! (melts)

Metroid Fusion is usually considered the black sheep of the Metroid family because of the inability to skip parts of the game. Also, no one likes being forced to talk with a computer that runs on Windows Tightass. Still, if you can ignore the departures from Metroid standards, Metroid Fusion is one nice-looking sheep.

Metroid Fusion begins with the bounty hunter Samus Aran escorting two other armored dopes into a planet called SR388. There, they encounter a glob of Flubber that attacks Samus due to his hatred of any movie Robin Williams stars in. Known as the X, the little bugger infects Samus and causes him to lose consciousness while flying his ship. As a result, the ship spirals into an asteroid belt and crashes.

Huh. That was fast, especially for a game that cost 30 bucks. Oh, well, I guess that just means I get to leave early today. Thanks for reading!

THE FINAL VERDICT:

???: Hold it! This review isn’t over yet!

It’s a pair of breasts! My boss must’ve finally gotten around to paying me!

*SMACK!*

???: Up here.

Whoops! Sorry. Who are you?

???: I’m Samus Aran.

Justin: Get out of here! Samus is totally a guy’s name and you are very clearly not a guy.

Samus: Well, I guess just you’re going to have to deal with it, aren’t you?

Justin: Okay, you drive a hard bargain. Just let me touch them and you can stay.

Samus: Look, I came to tell you that there’s more to the game than just me crashing my ship into an asteroid belt.

Justin: Don’t tell me there’s an actual GAME in this cartridge!

Samus: Mmmhmm. See, even though my ship crashed, it managed to eject me before the collision. I was rescued by the Galactic Federation, and they discovered that the X had already infected my body. My suit protected me from a lot of the damage, but they still had to surgically remove it from me. The results were…not so good.

Justin: Stop, stop! I can’t bear to look at it anymore! It’s blinding me with science!

Samus: And rather than letting me rest after my near-death experience, the Federation sent me over to the Biologic Space Labs spacestation to investigate a problem. Turns out the whole station’s crawling with X.

Justin: So I assume you set the whole station to self-destruct upon discovering this.

Samus: No! Though it’s a pretty good idea, when you think about it…

Justin: I also understand that to aid you in your mission, they gave you a virtual babysitter that told you where to go and to make sure to look both ways before crossing the street, right?

Look at this thing. It’s so formal that running Linux on it would give it a heart attack. You can’t tell me what to do, computer! You hear? I may only use ten percent of my brain but at least I can eat cheesecake! What do you have to say to THAT?

Samus: The main problem is that the space station is designed to recreate various enviroments in different sectors. There’s a tropic sector, a cave sector…there’s even a sector with lava.

Justin: Wouldn’t that burn through the space station or something?

Samus: I guess they figured out a way to prevent that.

Justin: Must’ve used a lot of asbestos.

Samus: Anyway, each of these sections have creatures possessed by the X. Since I was cured using a vaccine created with a cellular sample of a Metroid, I can now absorb the X and use them to replenish my health and weapons.

Justin: Quick! Get the red ones! They cure cancer!

Shoot! It got away. Great job, Samus.

Samus: I don’t think those can cure cancer.

Justin: And now we’ll never know because YOU refused to take action. Tsk tsk. For shame.

*SMACK!*

Samus: Anyway, besides the small X, there are bigger X that possess even larger creatures. Absorbing their X grants me some of the powers I used to have.

Justin: Like COMPASSION for your FELLOW MAN? Please don’t hit me.

Samus: I’m warning you…

Justin: R-Right! Anything else you’d like to tell us about the game, Samus?

Samus: Well, it’s definitely more plot-driven this time around, but it’s not really so bad. Sure, you lose the ability to skip parts of the game, and that can be bad if you’re really into that part of Metroid, but still, you get to learn a bit more about me, about my past, and that there’s something even more dangerous than the X on board. Something that could spell doom for the entire galaxy. As for what that is…well, you’re going to have to play the game for yourself.

Justin: I’m sure it’s a fine ride. Anyway, thanks for taking time our of your busty schedule to speak with us, Samus. And readers, be sure to give Metroid Fusion a try!

Samus: …did you say “busty schedule”?

Justin: What? Oh ho ho! No! No no no no no, I said…I said, um…uh…

Are you sure I can’t touch your boobs?

*SMACK!*

RATING:

Hey! Can I touch YOUR boobs?

*ZAP!*

(Metroid Fusion copyrighted to Nintendo.)

Released in 1991, Street Fighter 2 revolutionized the gaming world and helped popularize the fighting game genre. Sure, there were games in the past that featured head to head combat with multiple playable characters, but Street Fighter 2 took it to the next level by introducing a big Russian man into the roster. It was an incredible hit, spawning a rash of imitators. Coincidentally, most of them were just remakes of Street Fighter 2 itself.

In the single-player mode, a great tournament is held to determine the strongest fighter in the world. Each of the eight selectable fighters have their own unique backstory and reasons for entering the tournament. Since these details are found in the instruction manual, let me just sum them up for you here.

RYU: “I’ve dedicated my life to the art of karate.”

E. HONDA: “I’ve dedicated my life to the art of sumo.”

DHALSIM: “I’ve dedicated my life to achieving peace and enlightenment. Now sit still so I can painfully burn you with my fire breath.”

GUILE: “I want revenge.”

CHUN-LI: “I want revenge.”

ZANGIEF: “I want revenge.

“Revenge for old mohawk.

“Once Zangief used to have mohawk. We had such fun-how we laughed and cried together! But then American bastards…they had problems with Russian mohawks. Said we ‘cramped style’, whatever that means. I was asleep with mohawk after hard day of piledriving bears, but then someone rings doorbell. I go open the door and I find American frat boy outside pointing gun at me.

“‘This is for taking American fashion trend, man!’ he shout, and before I could stop him, he shot hole through mohawk, who let out bloodcurdling scream. I tried to grab American bastard but he ran off before I could catch him, drove off with other American frat boys to get drunk on crappy American beer. I take mohawk into bathroom and try to wash out wound.

“‘I’m not going to make it, Zangief,’ mohawk say.

“‘Don’t speak like that!’ I say. ‘Mohawk get wound cleaned and then mohawk still look good even with giant hole in him!’

“‘Don’t be stupid,’ mohawk say. ‘I can’t go around with a giant hole through me. It looks unnatural.’

“‘No, mohawk!’ I shout. ‘Don’t give up! Zangief need you!’

“Mohawk give me sad look and watch tears stream down my face. He say, ‘I’ve taught you everything I know about wrestling, Zangief. It was great being your mohawk…but now it’s time for me to move on.’

“‘No, mohawk!’ I shout. ‘Stay with Zangief! STAY WITH ZANGIEF!’

“But I was too late. Mohawk was already gone.

“That is why I fight. I enter this tournament and fight for honor of old mohawk who taught me all I know about hurting people. In name of mohawk, I will win tournament, and bring glory to his name! ALL WILL KNOW NAME OF ZANGIEF’S OLD MOHAWK! MOTHER RUSSIA IS WITNESS! RESPECT ZANGIEF’S MOHAWK! RESPECT ZANGIEF’S MOHAAAAAAAAAWK!“

KEN: “Uh…”

BLANKA: “I’m Blanka!”

You’ll take your selected character across the world and beat up fighters from other countries. When you think about it, this could be a great way to settle disputes between nations. Rather than spend millions of dollars on a pointless war that would only result in the loss of innocent lives, both countries can just have their most powerful warriors enter a ring and duke it out. It would work great, unless Japan decides to spend the entire round throwing fireballs, which China would consider “totally cheap”.

After you trounce your fellow warriors, you’ll have to do battle with the four Grand Masters, a legendary band of superjerks who will stop at nothing to end your quest for total awesomeness. They include:

SAGAT: A master of Muay Thai, an apprentice of the comb over.

VEGA: A Spanish ninja who equates beauty with power. Under this belief system, he is weaker than Marilyn Manson.

BALROG: Hates Gandalf.

M. BISON: By wielding the evil energy called Psycho Power, he gained superhuman strength and powerful flying body attacks. All I can say is that if Hitler got his hands on that stuff, World War II would’ve been a lot cooler.

But even if you beat the game with each character, the main feature that keeps bringing players back is the two-player mode. Many a gamer spent hours of fun chucking fireballs at their friends in front of a flickering TV. This irritated parents to no end. I mean, if they were going to throw things at each other all day, they might as well do it outside with rocks.

Be warned! Street Fighter 2 is definitely not for casual gamers. Expert players make it seem easy, but with all of the special moves and tactics avaliable, an aspiring street fighter must work hard to perfect his craft. Only through rigorous training and experience can you shape your thumbs into champions of victory.

Buuuuuuut, if you’d just rather win, there’s a few tricks you can use to ensure maximum success.

THE FIREBALL STRATEGY: To limit your entire strategy to one move illustrates devotion to a single path. Many men choose a variety of moves as part of their combative style, but you strive for simplicity. There is nothing more enlightening than the repeated use of a single tired move. Do not hate the opponents that merely jump over your fireball and pummel you until you fall down. They are burdened by technique. Their lives are hard enough.

THE ELECTRIC HUNDRED KICK STRATEGY: E.Honda, Blanka, and Chun Li all possess a move that works by repeatedly hammering on a certain button. Pick a button. It is imperative that you don’t stop pressing that button. That button determines your victory. Press it! Keep pressing it! I don’t care if your finger hurts! You want to win, don’t you?! Press it! PRESS IT! Unleash the fury of your single move! PRESS IT TO THE LIMIT! YES! YES! YESSSSSSSS!

THE HIT AND RUN STRATEGY: A coward once said, “He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day”. I only hope he trademarked that quote, because otherwise he’s missing out on a bunch of royalties. In any case, this non-aggressive combat strategy involves hitting the opponent a few times while avoiding or blocking attacks. The goal is to have more life than your opponent when the timer reaches zero, and is also favored by proponents of the Fireball Strategy. This style was perfected by a mosquito named Monty, who chanced death against newspapers and survived for twenty whole days. Ironically, he died of old age before we had a chance to interview him.

With these techniques in your arsenal, no one except most players will be able to stand up to you! Go forth, young warrior, and do your country proud! Because if you don’t, you will be arrested for treason.

THE FINAL VERDICT:

Hey! Glad you enjoyed Street Fighter 2. Be sure to try out Street Fighter 2: Champion Edition. And while you’re at it, be sure to play Street Fighter 2: Hyper Fighting, Super Street Fighter 2, and Super Street Fighter 2: “Gigantic Knockers” Edition. Remember-Capcom loves you, and only wants to give you the best video game experience possible. That’s why our motto is: “If It Ain’t Broke, Put It Up For Sale Again!” ™

RATING:

PARTY AT GORBACHEV’S PLACE!

(Street Fighter copyrighted to Capcom.)

-Written by Badass “Manticulate” McKenzie

There’s a guy I know called Duke Nukem and he’s better than all of your sorry butts.

The man who created this title screen was executed for the typo.

Duke Nukem was kicking robotic ass before Terminator stole the idea and went back in time to make a movie about it. Hell, Duke Nukem was even dishing out a side of justice as a baby. One day somebody tried to kidnap baby Duke Nukem. That person was thrown so far back in time that he turned into Jimmy Hoffa. When Jimmy Hoffa disappeared it was because Duke Nukem came back to finish the job.

Now America wants to give Duke Nukem a mission. His mission: find Dr. Proton and hit him with forty nukes. Where do you get forty nukes, you ask? NONE-OF-YOUR-BUSINESS LAND. Point is that Duke’s got a job to do and nobody’s gonna stop him. Not even you, Gandhi. And check out what’s gonna happen after:

BA-BA-BA-ZAM! There goes your comeback, Sir You Lose.

You say Dr. Proton’s no big deal because he’s always stuck in a rocket-powered chair? STUPID. That’s how he gets you. You think Dr. Proton’s disabled when suddenly, BAM! Face full of robot. Dr. Proton has ten million plus robots and all you have is your little science fair project that powers light bulbs with potatoes. How’s that gonna help you? INCOMING MESSAGE: IT AIN’T. All Proton has to do is raise one eyebrow and you’ll be pumped so full of lead you’ll die of lead poisoning before you die of getting shot a million times. Good job, Swiss Cheese. Let a real man like Duke Nukem take care of this. Go back home, dairy.

To take out Dr. Proton’s ten million robots, America gave Duke Nukem an atomic blaster that fires bolts of nuclear energy. This bad boy would turn you into a carnival freak if I shot you in the face with it. COME SEE: PERSON WHO GOT MELTED BECAUSE HE QUESTIONED DUKE NUKEM. That could be you. Not only that, Duke can collect even more guns to power up his weapon. Me, I’ve got no clue how collecting atomic blasters powers up your gun when there’s only supposed to be one atomic blaster in existence. Does that concern Duke Nukem? This just in-IT DOESN’T.

Duke Nukem: more armed than EVERYBODY.

But Dr. Proton isn’t gonna sit there and get his face melted off. He’s gonna send a bunch of his ten million robots after Duke Nukem to try and turn him into GAME OVER pudding. Little treadmill robots? Dead. One stomp. What killed the robot dinosaurs? Duke Nukem’s FOOT. That’s YOU, treadmill robot. You’re a dead as hell dinosaur. Then there’s the little helicopter robots that fire at Duke Nukem. All Duke Nukem has to do is flex and they explode. One time Duke Nukem was at a weight-lifting competition. Not only did he win, everybody went home sick. BRAWNY MAN. Then there’s the big walker robots that take forever to kill. Anybody playing this game as a kid gets scared by them when they jump in out of nowhere. Not Duke Nukem. He jumps out of the inside of nowhere. And when those walker robots try to figure out where he is, BAM! Face full of Duke. Instant doorstop, because you’re a dead as hell robot.

Then there’s all the traps Dr. Proton throws out as well. Flamethrowers on the ground or the wall? HORSE PLAY. Duke Nukem walks up to that flame and it’s the fame that starts to feel hot, because oh man, Duke’s one hot spicy death pepper tamale. Then he punches that fire and it turns into a bunch of kittens, he hit all the fail out of that fire. After he gets those kittens into a good home, he’s gotta deal with fields of electricity. Some regular Joe Schmo can just flick a switch. Does Duke swing that way? HELL NO WITH A SIDE OF BACON. Duke Nukem eats that lightning because he’s hungry after punching fire all day and destroying Communism. Lightning tastes good, like chicken drenched in victory. HUNGRY MAN. That’s what’s gonna happen to your lightning, Dr. Proton. Into Duke’s arteries where men cannot survive.

Women who are pregnant or may become pregnant should not try Duke Nukem, for fear of making the resulting offspring RADICAL.

But Duke also uses a bunch of tools to help him out, because inventors gotta eat too. He can collect sweet-freaking grappling hooks to let him crawl across ceilings. Radioactive blood? PANSIES ONLY. Duke takes things into his own hands, he doesn’t expect handouts from radiated bugs. He can also collect super jumping boots that lets him leap onto Mount Olympus so he can punch Zeus in the face. Not only that, Duke’s gotta find colored keys so he can enter doors, because he won’t destroy doors out of respect for the door that saved him from being hit by a truck. What happened to that door? NO ONE GIVES A BUFF.

Check this-you get three whole episodes of taste-Duke’s-foot action. THREE. That’s Shakespeare right there. To rock or not to rock, that is the question. ANSWER: Sweet. First one’s free, but that’s a small price to pay for a taste of the man-splosion that is Duke Nukem. Proton doesn’t give up after the first episode. He should’ve gave up when you popped in the disk. Now loading: DUKE NUKEM. But he’s brave for a man who’s half-chair. Duke Nukem’s half tsunami, I know who’s gonna win. But you gotta take him there. Duke wants you to see him beat up Proton for good. He’s a class act like that. CLASSY MAN. And when you’re done watching Duke teach Proton how to get shot, you can take Duke out to eat ten steaks. You want some meat too? DENIAL. You get garlic bread. Learn to wear pink first, Captain Chump.

I’ll see you in HELL, CHUMPCOPTER!

THE FINAL VERDICT:

Ring ring! Who’s there? MAN-HATTAN. Duke Nukem is the manliest thing you can ever load onto your computer. But I don’t need to tell you that. Get a peep at our real-life testimonials:

“After playing Duke Nukem, my love life’s never been better! I keep blowing holes through my girlfriends, but everything before that feels incredible! Thanks, Duke Nukem!” – Glen Q. Mannison

“Duke Nukem made me realize that life as a simple weenie would get me nowhere. After watching Duke crawl on the ceilings like Spider Man, I attempted to duplicate the accident that gave Spider Man his powers. I am now in the hospital with a black rash over my entire body. Thanks, Duke Nukem!” – Rupert “In Extreme Pain” Manford

“Sorry to bother you, but DOS keeps telling me I need 640KB of free memory to run Duke Nukem. What does that mean?” – A Failure

RATING:

“I’m Duke Nukem, and the more I watch you use a rating to determine to play a game or not, the more I get angry.“

(Duke Nukem copyrighted to 3D Realms.)